I woke up from a dream contemplating on Surrender. I agree that the rational part of our mind, our ego as commonly called, does not run the shots. The divine within us does that. Without any doubt, I have seen too many times to count the divine aspect of myself shifts where I am going, what to say, or how to move. I have seen the divine shape how I should be perceiving, which then can change my emotional outlook. Even how I rationalize has been used and channelled, as if my way of thinking was used for a higher purpose.
I say this, and I do not believe there is some source outside ourselves which is omnipotent. I believe that the creator exists inside us. God is inside us. It is not some being who has this higher purpose for me, the ego and rational part of my mind. No, it is all me, just different levels and aspects. It does make me believe we are here to learn lessons and grow as individuals. If that is the case, then I have only gratitude for my life, the people in it, and the situations that arise. I still feel empty, but centring on the gratitude does bring comfort. It increases my faith and devotion, but I am not sure to what.
Why am I aware of this? Why am I here? Why can I not remember? It is like there is a feeling I can almost remember, which will answer all my questions. But I cannot touch it, no matter how close it feels. There are times I may get to areas where knowledge opens up, but as soon as I get back, the knowledge is gone. Sometimes I feel the divine nature contemplating an issue through me, deciding what is the proper course of action. It uses my rationalization processes. It switches up my perceptions and judgements to see how my emotions and mental structures will change. All the while I am looking at this, with no idea how to describe to someone the beauty I am experiencing. I am an instrument. I am a conduit. The more humble I am, the more my true nature arises.
A Union. A marriage. I don't know what kind and for what purpose, but there is no ending. There is no sweet everlasting bliss. I am still here. I am okay with that. It seems like the further I go along the stronger I become, and the more strength I realize I already had. The more strength I use, the further I push myself beyond my limits. Boundaries seem to be necessary, so I can push myself past them and refine them. Funny, how this realization is different from the experience of the black void, where infinity overcomes the soul and there is no set point and place to centre yourself. It just is. Isn't this the experience of my true self?
As soon as my true self comes, then the infinite loop returns. The cycle of suffering repeats itself, as I see new ways to learn and grow. Is this not attachment to the process? If I have no way to shut it off permanently, then it is a fact of my existence. I guess I need to go through the highs and lows of living, just like everyone else.
Spirituality used to give me much comfort, but I am finding that not the case anymore. What is spirituality if not a grouping of beliefs with a label on top? No, this divine aspect of ourselves, the union, and gratitude seem to be how I centre myself. All this searching to find answers, and I realized I came right back to myself. Soon to be carried away to come back again. I guess I might as well enjoy the ride. Time to go on living
