Hello, community,
As a new member to the board, I’d like to introduce myself, share my experiences, and see if I can find help with some meditation issues I’m dealing with. My name is Michael, and I’ve been meditating for about eight years now. The first few months of my meditative path were the most extraordinary, and since then I’ve been seeking to understand and return to what happened back then.
In short, eight years ago I found myself on an accidental retreat—a summer during which I was living alone, with a passive source of income, few social contacts, and a lot of silence. Towards the end of one of my daily walks, I found myself in a pleasant, peaceful state of mind. I said to myself, “this must be what meditation is about.” So I went online and sought out instructions on how to do it. After reading some simple instructions in Mindfulness in Plain English, I soon began to have experiences which I can only describe as jhana experiences, or at the very least, near-jhana experiences, depending on one’s standard. From the beginning I felt that I was leaving worldly thoughts and concerns behind and reuniting with a joy that had been waiting for me all along. I very quickly got into an enjoyable flow of continuous attention with the breath. On one occasion I had an experience of light raining down cool, calm joy. It was not quite a visual experience, yet the best way to describe it is if someone shined a flashlight at my forehead at a downward angle, and I could somehow see the light through my head. The joy was pure and smooth, but very mental.
Soon after, I began to have other absorption experiences which happened very quickly, possibly within ten minutes. These were not accompanied by a sensation of light and the joy of these experiences was more sudden, but still subtle. When I later read commentaries and suttas on the subject, I was stricken by the accuracy of the simile of the wanderer in the desert who feels joy at the sight of an oasis, and then happiness upon basking in its shade and water. Equally apt to me was the description of “gladness arising in the mind” upon the perception of the absence of the hindrances. A sudden relief, a breaking-away of suffering accompanied by cool, refreshing bliss, and an immediate and deep gratitude for the bliss, characterized these experiences.
Finally, the most significant jhana experience of my life (so far) happened when I resolved to simply hold on more tightly to the sensation of air around my nostrils. The joy and bliss of this experience were jarring and accompanied by bright, saturating light which began at my head and then seemed to pervade my body. The suttas’ description of “soaking and steeping” one’s body so that no part of it is not pervaded by bliss is perfectly accurate to this experience. The power of this experience distracted me, of course, and I was flung out of it, moved to tears and thanking a God I did not believe in. I knew that if that was not a “supernormal” state, nothing is.
So now, my question:
I find myself in a situation where too much wanting and anticipating are in the way of returning to these jhanas. I suspect that simple faith and some lifestyle changes (less work, more silence), are the solution, but the “faith” is the part I find difficult. If I were to simply have faith that the jhanas would unfold if I only let them, then they would unfold! Yet I simply cannot seem to kick this reflex I have of thinking to myself, “you’re finally about to do it again!” every time I get close. It chucks me out of the experience instantly. How to deal with this mental trip-wire I seem to have installed? It is very easy to say, “don’t do that,” but it’s almost automatic. Old neuroses and self-defeating beliefs about what kinds of things can happen to little ol’ me are also getting in the way, making it difficult to believe I really can do this. I’ve come here with the hope of finding a few rare humans who can help me through such strange, little-understood terrain.
Another, more minor, question is what one should do when one is able to sustain attention on a meditation object (in my case, the mind holding onto the breath) for long periods of time, but no piti or sukha arise. This happened to me on a recent home retreat. The experience was pleasant, but it’s like the match refused to ignite.
Thank you all for reading this very long and involved post!
--Michael
