Mental breakdown

[Alexander]

I’ve been absent for much of this year as I regrettably had a psychotic breakdown during the summer of 2023. At the time I thought I was receiving insights (if you recall, I emailed some of you and was posting frequently on the insight board). I thought I had achieved arahantship but it’s clear the ideas I had about the four stages of awakening were incorrect. I became more outlandish in my beliefs and thought I incarnated as a part of a “team” with two other (former) friends (alienated by my behavior). While consuming marijuana in what I thought was a Shaivist sacrament I thought my “Third Eye” opened and I experienced a state in which all my suffering vanished and I perceived we were all one. Unfortunately this experience did not last and turned into psychosis.

I went on to have increasingly inappropriate behaviors until I ended up where I am now, on a psych ward.

My website I filled with all my “insights” but I’ve worked the last few days to reset it back to where it was before.

I still haven’t processed this as a life event, it’s too devastating. They also want to put me on permanent meds which have side effects (which are what I’ve been dealing with over the past month).

Apologies for any strange or alienating comments I made during the breakdown 🙏.

It’s been a nightmare overall. The only spiritual work I’ve done is watch a few interviews with William Buhlman on OOBEs, and recently just read Raymond Moody’s Life After Life on NDEs.

[Tad]

Hello Alexander,

Welcome back. I was worried where you dissappeared. It is good to see you here again.

[Jhanananda]

Good to hear from you again, Alexander. I am sorry to read about your psychotic break. I hope you can get through this journey in the psych-ward. Yes, the first 4 stages of the religious experience, which we call here the 4 jhanas, are essential foundations for the OOBE. So, perhaps with a renewed daily meditation practice you will be able to build the necessary foundation for the OOBE.

[Michael Hawkins]

Thank you for sharing about your psychotic break, Alexander.  With only limited knowledge of what you're going through, I can at least relate to the nightmare aspect.  The Dark Night is no joke... but it can also offer an ego-purge (or cleanse) that disabuses us of our mistaken beliefs and assumptions.  I see it as a good sign that you've chosen to connect with supportive friends, rather than isolating and walling off.  Sending love and healing vibes to you.

[Alexander]

Thank you 🙏, all, for your kind comments 🙂. Unfortunately it was ~17 years of traumatic stress and grief which had built up and finally reached expression in this.

On one level it does feel like a purification of the self, but while here in the hospital (on mandatory medication) I’m unable to appreciate some of the positive aspects of the episode (as a life-transforming event).

I do have some memory deficits, which are concerning, but I’m hoping they will gradually reverse and recuperate with time.

[Tad]

Alexander,

It takes a lot of courage to make mistakes and then admit them openly and sincerely. You have provided us lots of inspiration and wisdom for spiritual practice over the years on this forum. So I want to send you some positive energy and encourage to keep going forward. I know you will get back on your feet sooner or later and rise higher than ever from this temporary fall. Keep going and never give up, dear friend.

[Jean]

Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. It takes immense courage to open up about such personal and challenging experiences.

I can only imagine how disorienting and distressing this period must have been for you, and I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you've faced. A psychotic breakdown is a profound ordeal, and it's understandable that you're still grappling with the reality of what happened. It's also clear that you were seeking deeper understanding and connection during that time, and it's heartbreaking that your journey led to such an unexpected and difficult place.

The insights and awakenings you believed you were experiencing must have felt incredibly significant, and to have those beliefs unravel in such a way is undoubtedly painful. The sense of oneness and relief from suffering you described is something many of us search for, and it's truly unfortunate that it escalated into a state of psychosis.

As for the changes in your life and the challenges that came with them, it's never easy to feel alienated or misunderstood. Please remember that you are not alone, and there are people who care deeply about you.

The prospect of being on medication is a daunting one, especially when considering potential side effects. It's important to have open discussions with your healthcare providers about your concerns and to explore all your options for managing your health. Your well-being is the top priority, and finding a balance that works for you is crucial.

Please give yourself time and space to process these events. Healing is not linear, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed. This is a significant life event, and it's more than reasonable to need time to come to terms with it. Be kind to yourself and remember that recovery is possible, even if it requires patience and self-compassion.

If you need someone to listen, to talk things through, or simply be there for you, don't hesitate to reach out. You're not alone on this journey, and there's a community of people ready to offer their support and understanding. Take care, and know that there is hope and help available to you as you navigate this challenging time in your life.

[Jhanananda]

Thanks, Jean, well stated, I wish we had a 'like' button here.