Solidity

[Solidity]

Hello,

I'm a newbie and hope that I have come to the right place to receive guidance in concentration practices.

My only claim as a contemplative is that I have followed two ten-day Goenka Vipassana courses.

The second course was in 2003, and was almost purely a painful experience. Everything hurt all the time. But there was a certain beauty in accepting the pain.

The first course I did was in 1995, and that is when I had some of the experiences you speak of here. Of course I did not experience anything as solid as the people who have already posted here. Still, it was powerful enough to frighten me - or rather, I was theoretically frightened that it did not frighten me, and I ended up purposefully thinking unconstructive thoughts in order to break from my meditation. Because every time I sat down I would feel the energy moving up and down and I would automatically start meditating.

What I experienced was a radical shift in identity.
Before the course I had been lazy and would have to struggle with myself to do anything. But after the course I would get up early without a struggle, I would not need coffee, and I would work all the time without getting tired, and take breaks just at the right time and neither too long nor too short to regenerate and be effective.
I was at university at the time, and writing essays was a breeze because I would spontaneously open books in the right places and I would set about writing the essay without having to think or mentally struggle.
Also, I no longer had conflicts with anyone. When someone who usually annoyed me would come into my presence I would automatically do some things with my body language that made them relax, feel good and never get to the point of saying or doing anything that would previously annoy me.
Furthermore, time slowed down. When I spoke with someone, I was fully aware both of their words and the space between their words, and I could finish their sentences if I wanted to. A kind of mind-reading, but not really: it was simply that I was aware of far more things in the same time period.
I also had direct mystical experiences. For example, once I was talking with someone who had suffered a scizophrenic episode. We were walking in empty streets at night. Something made me look behind us, and I saw as clear as anything else the entity that was possessing him.
Whenever I would sit down to meditate I would feel a creature of light above me feeding me with light.

In short, I had no idea what was going on, and the meditation retreat had not prepared me for my experiences. I had become extremely effective, and I didn't recognise myself. So I forcibly extracted myself from my meditation practice.

I feel that now that so many years have passed I am more ready to accept changes in identity. So I have started a meditation practice again. However, there is strong resistance within me, and when I want to meditate other things seem to come up.

I have recently started investigating kasina practice. I tried meditating on a candle flame a few times. The effect I have felt is one of happiness and having a high level of energy and satisfaction the following day. In an effort to find the perfect kasina, I have also tried meditating on water filling a bowl of neutral colour to the brim. Here I got into a state of observing sea creatures swimming in darkness, and my dreams were quite animated afterwards.

I'm a newbie and I would be happy to receive any advice whatsoever.

I would also like to ask, more specifically, if anyone has some input about kasina practice, and perhaps the pros and cons of the specific kasinas.

[Jhanananda]

Welcome, Solidity, to the Fruit of the Contemplative Life forum, and thank-you for posting your case history with us.  I am sorry to read that your most recent Goenka retreat was so full of pain, but I am not surprised, because they tend to emphasize strenuous effort, and de-emphasize bliss.  However, it is our experience that those who want to experience the bliss, joy and ecstasy of samadhi, must learn to love to meditate.  One cannot learn to love meditation if it is a grueling effortful endeavor.

I am also not surprised that you were wholly unprepared for the experience of samadhi as you experienced it.  For some reason that is a common experience for those who attend Goenka retreats, so that is why this forum exists, to help other contemplative who find little to no support for the religious experiences that can come from a contemplative life.  And, with our guidance hopefully you will over come your fear of the religious experience, or samadhi as it is known in India.

We can discuss kasina meditation practice if you want, but gazing upon the candle seems to have given the answer already.  If you find joy and energy in a meditation practice, then stick with it to deepen that joy and energy into samadhi.

[Solidity]

Thank you, Jhanananda, for your reply. I am pleased to have found this forum. I forgot to mention that one of the reasons why I decided to try the Water Kasina was that my eyes started to hurt when staring at the candle flame, and I started to worry that I might be doing it in the wrong way and thereby be in danger of harming my eyes. Do you have any advice on this?

And I definitely do feel something from the Water Kasina, but it is so far markedly different from Fire. It's more like entering a tenebrous underworld.

[Jhanananda]

I am glad to read that you have found this forum useful.  I hope you continue to.

I do not believe that meditation upon a candle flame can be dangerous, unless you simply get too close to the candle, or the candle falls over and sets your house on fire. 

I spent many years meditating with a candle.  I did not obsess on the candle.  I just used it as a vehicle to samadhi.  I learned that once the samadhi began, then the candle was no longer needed, so I closed my eyes, and let the samadhi take me over. 

However, on one occasion, while I was deep in samadhi, the candle fell over and set my alter on fire.  It was the large flickering flame, heat and smell of smoke that brought me out.  So, after that I placed the candle on a large plate so that if the candle fell over, then the plate would contain the pool of wax and flame.  After that I could feel safe to meditate with a candle with complete abandon, because I knew I need not worry about any future fires.

There are many visual meditation objects, which is essentially what the term 'kasina' means; however, there is a tendency to make the kasina round or spherical.  But, shape is not essential to a meditation object.  What is essential is that the meditation object function as a vehicle to the religious experience.  So, for the religious experience to occur, then one has to understand what constitutes a religious experience.  That description is what the samadhi portion of this forum is all about.

A key component of meditation upon a visual meditation object is to know that looking at it will do nothing for you, other than entertain your mind.  One must learn to gaze upon the meditation object.  Gazing is resting the eyes upon an object without looking at it.  This means your eyes point in the direct of the meditation object, but the focus of your vision is soft, or out of focus.  Understanding this, then anything can become a meditation object. 

While on a 2-year wilderness retreat some years ago, I used hillsides of rolling grass, a mountains side, lakes, and the full moon, as very effective meditation objects.  You just want something that you can attend to without being distracted by it.