Thank-you Stu, for posting your thoughts on your experience of agoraphobia.
OK here it goes: apparently I have been an agoraphobic for a long time. There have been many times I wanted to be invisible as well as wanting to escape right now. As a child I was painfully shy.
There are two ways of looking at your childhood experience of agoraphobia, and its impact on the present.
1) You started out with agoraphobia, or you acquired it from childhood trauma through your family, etc.
2) You were a sensitive, who was destine to become a mystic, which is evident in your childhood agoraphobia. I take 2 as my preferred option, because you have been a contemplative for decades, and you are presently a mystic, having arrived mostly there on your own, and having improved your mysticism learning from fellow mystics here.
Then in 2003 in Bodh Gaya I had a panic attack and could not wait to get away from all the people that seeing the Bodh tree was out of the question - I raced, while, walking, to find an auto rickshaw to the nearest railroad station.
As inspired as I have been by Siddhartha Gautama, I cannot imagine going to Bodh Gaya. The throngs of people would surely discourage me right away as well.
I actually do not dislike people I feel better when they are not around.
Well, aside from my few mystic friends, so far people have only proven to me that they do not deserve my company, nor my trust.
Curiously crowds in Indian cities do not bother me in the least - in order to walk you must remain fully present to avoid motor cycles, cars, sacred cows and their sacred dung that can bring you to your knees - not to mention all the people and lack of any structure for traffic control - at night it is even more exciting with more of everything and you can not see as well. So walking on a busy Indian street is exciting at anytime.
Even though I have been to many large cities, such as: San Francisco, LA, Philadelphia, New York London, Montreal, Cairo, Bombay, Sidney, Hong Kong, Singapore, Bangkok, etc. I cannot imagine going to a large city anymore. Even Sedona and Prescott are too big, and too many people for me now. When I get back to the wilderness the silence is just so soothing that I never want to leave it again.
As eldest child of three I only knew about being with people - never experiencing what it was like to be alone. So when I married to be with someone, then everyone married, but my spouse married to get away from her parents. Well, yes, there was a sexual component - it was fun. So after being asked countless times about children, my spouse produced a wonderful son and it only took eight years of practice. Little did I know my spouse was would claim to be all knowing about child rearing and since I was never right about same she devoted all her time to said son. So now I was not alone but I had little or no attention. Somehow I thought things would balance out but it never did.
Well, I believe it is fairly normal for a woman to obsess over her child to the alienation of the father. In polygamous societies it is often the woman who chooses the next wife. I believe it is because the wife wishes to devote her time to her children, and does not want the husband to feel abandoned, so each wife gets a replacement for him.
In as much as I have played tennis from age 13 I discovered a female across the street who played a pretty good game - then it was cross country skiing and day hikes. Ah attention at last. So on to divorce. I went back to the university for a teaching credential - teaching elementary school for about ten years - most of the children were fun to work with but administrators and parents had agendas that were far different from mine. Administrators want discipline and I grew tired of parents who disliked the same subjects as their children. Meanwhile my wife, a borderline personality, while amazingly interesting, excelled at everything, was difficult keeping up with new personalities all the time - sometimes switching positions on an issue in moment or two - very hard to keep up with. In the best relationship I ever had we got along by doing things together while exploring separate interests and for the better part of six years this worked. She always liked conspiracy theories. However one day I was told "I was being controlled by outside forces". One thing I immediately realized is do not not tell a delusional person they are delusional - the other thing I immediately realized was the danger inherent in such a situation. So although she did not want me to leave I did.
To me the world is full of insane, addicted and retarded people, so how can one expect to have a functional relationship with the insane? One cannot.
I have not mentioned my meditation since 1974 which really grew first with a Zen Buddhist Sangha - the visiting Roshi encouraged my experiences of charisms, I did not call them that to her. The Sangha was in my opinion the support group for it's leader - I confronted him and he had nothing to say - so I left.
I am surprised that you found a meditation teacher who supported you in your experience of the charisms. All I found was alienation when I made the mistake of telling the meditation teacher what happened when I meditated. I had one monk laugh in my face, and another monk accused me of being "so arrogant."
About this time some ten years ago I ran into the Great Western Vehicle - for some ten years I have had sound charisms 24/7 - plenty of other charisms also. Somehow my deepened meditation has enabled me to become my own friend, Jeff deserves much credit. Now I do not listen to CD' S, since I have the music of the spheres all the time and I have no need to be with other people. I do know a lot of people who I see when I choose. I am agoraphobic in the sense that agoraphobia, a Greek word, is not Greek to me...
It is interesting to note that when you found supported in your experience of the charisms, then you found them all of the time. And, by saturating yourself in the charisms you find so much contentment that you do not need others. I am the same way.
Just think of what would happen if all of the religions of the world accepted that the contemplative life was the holy life, and those who manifested the charisms were holy people? The world would stop being insane, stupid, addicted and lazy.
