Wow. I've been reviewing much of the forum, such as "Can arahants be hostile" and learning things I didn't know about the Buddha or Jhananda.
I suppose I came here carrying quite the belief system. Or at least I hoped that meditation and enlightenment were a guaranteed ticket to blameless peace, wisdom, happiness and security. That it is the very best one could do, in consideration of as much of the bigger picture one can see.
But now I am seeing this all seems to be governed by the laws which make the rest of life kind of lame, also. Duality blows. (2 words i haven't used in quite a long time, and honestly it felt good not to censor this expression).
There has been an upside to this, though.
Suddenly I re-realize how precious it is to just to let the house cat lay on my chest, and laugh as she continues to smother my face while I am trying to write this. That, even though I intend to keep meditating, I think I also want to at least try to enjoy and do well in what worldly things are still in this life I inhabit. To balance both the worldly and spiritual as much as possible, without losing the way or desired fruit. I wonder if the Buddha would consider this the middle way. I doubt it, but to me it is a comforting feeling.
This all reminds me of how I would feel while on a psychedelic back in the day. Except this time it isn't induced by one, which is a little freaky. There was a sense of freedom, wonder, and opportunity. but with leaving the cage comes a greater sense of insecurity. That insecurity often inclined me To appreciate more and live in the moment. But it also can open up to fear and despair, as it sometimes did. I've been down this road enough to know just go with the former and not worry.
I hope there isn't something big I am missing. I hope, despite how correct this path seems to me, that i am not missing something more necessary that I could put my efforts toward. I hope to find a lasting security from suffering in even the slightest. I hope this is the right way, and that it is the greatest investment one can make. I hope it is worth it.