Meditated about 7 hours total yesterday. The best results occurred during a 3-hour midnight session. The tactile charisms were strong, and each jhana developed slowly and fully. Upon reaching 3rd jhana, I actually found it's charisms to be too strong. It's subtle unsatisfactoriness eventually propelled me toward urgently looking for entrance to fourth jhana. Eventually I remembered to develop equanimity and let go further until I entered the 4th jhana. These slow-developing jhanas really gave me time to appreciate and analyze their primary qualities as described in the suttas.
Shortly after entering the 4th jhana, the same unsatisfactoriness of the last three jhanas, although even more subtle, surfaced. I was a bit surprised to be clearly observing unsatisfactoriness within even the 4th jhana. I suppose in the back of the mind I always assumed I would have a long honeymoon period with the first 4 jhanas until finally beginning to detect their subtle unsatisfactoriness. But, with the exception of the first days of consistent jhana which included a 5th samadhi experience, I have consistently found some subtle unsatisfactoriness.
A key characteristic of the 8 stages of the religious experience (samadhi) is each stage is so fulfilling that we feel as if we could spend the rest of our life there, and by so fully submitting to that religious experience, and savoring it, like a rare and delicious food, that we find the next stage. So, instead of being anxious, or craving, for depth, then overcome the Craving for immaterial or formless existence/experience (arupa-raga), and accept each stage of the religious experience on its own terms, as one leads to the next. Nonetheless, all mystic pursue depth to complete annihilation, and are ultimately unsatisfied until they are completely "slain in the spirit."
I'm beginning to wonder if those with ADHD often have had some considerable spiritual attainment in past lives. I continue to feel a strong intuition that I have. Looking back on my youth, I have a hard time not being fairly certain I was in the dark night of the sense even at the age of 7, as that is as far back as I can remember. I at least know that I was having deep contemplative thoughts, confusion about the behavior of humans around me, ecstatic energy, and hypersensitivity to all phenomena. I and my mother even recall my hiding behind rocking chairs when they watched children's movies, and crying when the radio was turned on. Wow, what hell to be in a highly dysfunctional and abusive family while in the dark night.
I mention this because it seems I am never satisfied with any phenomena, almost all of the charismatic and definitely all of the mundane. I certainly appreciate charismatic and mundane phenomena, but I always strongly sense a longing for Home and/or the removal of this unsatisfactoriness. The only time I can ever recall not feeling any dissatisfaction is during super-strong blasts of kundalini. My dissatisfaction with everything else is driving me to push beyond my fear of it's profundity.
To me it is a given that anyone who finds the genuine religious experience through leading a rigorous, self-aware contemplative life, most probably was a mystic, at one level or another, in a previous lifetime; and has come here to finish the journey, or be part of a genuine religious revival movement and community, like that which comes from the work of a genuine mystic.
Because of this, last night I spent much time in 4th jhana attempting to gain intuitive knowledge into the nature of kundalini. Specifically, I wanted to learn to activate its presence whenever I needed it. I remember reading that in the 4th jhana it is possible to direct the mind toward insights like this. While it's possible this was commentary garbage, I seem to recall reading it in a sutta. "While in 4th jhana, the Buddha directed the mind toward knowledge of the arising and passing away of beings..etc..discernment was born, knowledge gained" something to that effect. Unfortunately, no such knowledge was gained.
In my experience insight is most certainly the product of the religious experience (samadhi); however, in my experience it most often comes spontaneously. I just let go to the process of the religious experience (samadhi) and let whatever happens happen.
I haven't pinned down why the charisms were so weak throughout the last few days, but I certainly re-affirmed how big an impact evening has. Perhaps it's simply the ebb and flow of the oceanic depths of the divine. Speaking of, I found a new pleasure last night when I recalled how inspiring the writings of Rumi are. So I wrote. This is what came of that inspiration:
"Ocean of Mind"
"One could spend a lifetime amassing great worldly wealth, knowledge and experience. Yet it would be but a handful of sand among all the deserts of the Earth. Its very nature to slip through clinging fingers ignored as one hurriedly reaches down for more under the delirium of the baking sun.
Just beyond the desert lie supreme wealth, knowledge, and experience within the absorbing oceanic depths of the mind. Patience and compassion is friend to those who discover and explore its vastness. For though the ocean-delver's only worldly wish is to share the discovery of the ocean with others, they know the great difficulty with which the desert-dweller will take heed.
Narrow are the creeks of human language which lead out of the desert into the ocean. And very few are they with the boats of discernment to negotiate the way. Although access to the ocean's ecstasy lie just under the nose of the human, for most it is still countless lifetimes away.
It is only ever here and now which one can catch scent of the soft caressing winds carrying even the lightest essence of the infinitely abundant ocean. Its effect so intoxicating and yet so sublime and familiar. The few who then step forward, relinquishing their coveted handful of sand, do so as they realize its only true value was in precious fleeting moments which vaguely reminded of their oceanic Home."
Perhaps some will find it pleasing to the mind as I have. Its wording may not be as appropriate to the experienced mystic as it could be, but to this novice it suffices.
I shouldn't find it odd that moving ever deeper into the mystical inspires and urges creative outlets. I find myself suddenly very curious about Jhananda's "A Stone Worn to Sand." Despite any shortcomings of the "Ocean of Mind", I found it deeply relieving and soothing to attempt to express the beauty, power and profundity of the experiences which this community has so generously helped me to move deeper into.
I enjoyed reading your "Ocean of Mind" and sensed the flavor of Rumi in it. This is why we read the mystics, and avoid the commentaries of the unattained intellectuals.
