5 Lower Fetters
1) Narcissism - extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
It is there. My selfishness to do what I want to do, and my inconsiderate-ness to my family and their needs. I am aware of it, I also see it arise. Im conflicted on this issue because the selfishness is to pursue what I find "valuable", and is most always in direct conflict of what my family finds "valuable". There is a silent craving for admiration, which I also see arise. I do not "feed" it, however. I call attention to it and attempt to remedy the action. Although I have an impulsive nature at times and it is reactive as opposed to proactive. Narcissism exists within me, yet it could not be called a defining quality.
2) Skeptical doubt - Denying or questioning the tenets of a religion. regarding the doctrines or opinions of philosophical Skeptics.
Way beyond the possibility of any kind of doubt. I dont believe there is anything that could happen from this point forward that could ever instill even a sliver of doubt of a higher power. However, I do not think there is ever a moment when reading something religious related that I do not hold a skeptical doubt of the writing. I tend to try to place myself in the shoes of the writer, I want to know what they were feeling when they wrote it, so i take a more critical approach to literature.
3) Clinging to rules, rights and rituals - This is pretty straight-forward. I think a good example is someone saying "You can't do that; it's illegal."
I dont cling to them, however, I do try to upkeep an ethical lifestyle. I think it would be better put that I recognize and understand them and willingly adhere to those that make practical sense. I enjoy my solitude though, and in solitude there are no rules, rights, or rituals to adhere to. My only desire in this regard is to be without conflict, so long as what is required does not directly impact my own pursuits.
4) Desire for sensuality - Sensual means physically pleasing. It often is used in a sexual context, but is not exclusively sexual in meaning.
I attempt to respond to this without an excuse, however, my internal dialouge is filled with "thats only because", that must mean that I do still have a desire for sensuality. I am a pleasure seeker. Mostly i seek it as a distraction. I do not pursue women, or relationship, or companionship. I do seek distraction in the moment. Some habitual, "this is what I do here". This is not limited to sexual. If i go upstairs, I go to the fridge, see whats there, im not actually hungry.
5) Ill-will or aversion - Animosity or bitterness. A strong dislike or disinclination.
Aversion to people, ill-will in brief instances. Mostly, its like the others, the thoughts and feelings arise, yet I am less impulsive in this regard. Most always I recognize the thought or feeling arising and i check it, disagree with it, or question it.
5 Higher Fetters
1) Craving for Material Existence - Craving to be a human or animal, for example. (?)
I do not want material existence.
2) Craving for Immaterial Existence - Craving to be an angel/deva (?)
I do not want immaterial existence.
3) Conceit - Excessive pride in oneself. A fanciful expression in writing or speech; an elaborate metaphor.
I constantly have thoughts that I can do something better than someone else. It fuels me at times. Yet again, it is something that I re-actively check. Sometimes this takes some time.
4) Restlessness - Characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood. Unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.
Hit and miss. At best I am completely rested and content in the moment. There are other times, mostly as of late, that everything is restless. Sleep, meditation, life.
5) Ignorance - Ignorance is a state of being uninformed (lack of knowledge).[1] The word ignorant is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware and is often used as an insult to describe individuals who deliberately ignore or disregard important information or facts.
Utterly. I would like to think it is brief and secluded to the moment as reflection relieves the ignorance, mostly followed by guilt of an action.
Eleven Fruits
1) Equanimity - mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation
Hit and miss as of late, however there have been times of great equanimity. It all depends on my attention in the moment, if I am self-aware then a sufficing level of equanimity is accompanied. However, there are times when I am restless and uncomfortable that equanimity is something that I grasp at.
2) Fearlessness - lacking fear
I dont care enough about anything anymore to be afraid. I am at the point of surrender, broken, anything could happen and I wouldnt care.
3) Beyond Pain and Discomfort
Not even close, everything is pain and discomfort.
4) Meditative Absorption
Yes.
5) Manomaya lit. "mind-made body" (OOB) - "wields manifold supranormal powers"
2 experiences that I can remember, both i can only remember leaving and returning.
6) Clairaudience "divine ear-element"
Every waking hour, loud.
7) Mental Telepathy - knows the awareness of other beings
Words and feelings. Any feeling from another person who I am in close proximity to i feel it in myself, like absorbing their feeling into myself. This is accompanied by some thoughts, mostly just a passing word. Intensity can vary. This is a very taxing quality, as it drains me both emotionally and physically.
8 ) Recollection of Manifold Past Lives - lit. “rethinking” or "dependent origination"
Yes. Some of them.
9) Clairvoyance - "Divine eye" or "sees beings passing away & re-appearing." The faculty of perceiving things or events in the future or beyond normal sensory contact.
I have had some experiences with this, although it is not a developed faculty.
10) Ending of Mental Agitation
Hit and miss.
11) Direct Knowledge/Transcendent Insight(?) - lit “knowledge" (nana) and "vision" (dassana)
No.
Verdict?
Verdict is this place is Hell.
