Hello From The Road - Seeking a Sanga

[Aaron]

Hello GWV,
A friend recommended I participate in this site a couple times now and a recent phone conversation helped me realize I need a Sanga.  I’ve been feeling a considerable amount of despair lately and it would be nice to share thoughts with those also on the path.

I’ve been meditating daily for the last 4 years now and have experienced some beautiful states of mind, full of compassion, contentment, intelligence, creativity and skillfulness.  The balancing act necessary takes so much will and alertness.  Each time I lose my balance and drift into some unskillful behavior, the resultant experience is more painful then the last.  I’m currently trying to pull myself out of this current mental mess.

About 14 months ago , I was experiencing sever depression.  I felt a need to get out of the office and into the world to help the situation at hand.  I felt if I could obtain that calm abiding state of mind, I would be able to help make an impact.  I quit my career as a mechanical engineer and dedicate my time to the path.  I bought a pickup truck with an in-bed camper and hit the road. 

The first couple of months were very painful but in the long run, it was a great victory against the sensations of stress, fear and loneliness.  Those emotions have far less pull on me after going through such intensity.  I still experience them but they don’t bother me, I can look directly at them and watch them fade.
 
Time alone on the road helped me address all the subconscious thoughts that have plagued my life.  It helped me come to terms and accept the truth about the human nature.  I was even able to experience that clear state of mind for multiple days in a row.   

On the road,  I floated from one adventure to another.  I maintained a consistent mediation practice but often got swept into pleasurable experiences ( women ).  Each time I followed pleasure, I experienced a strengthening to craving and a resultant lose of energy.  Yet time and time again , I allow myself to consume pleasure. 

I recently parked my camper and flew back to Seattle to visit friends.  My peaceful abiding came crashing down like house of cards.  I attribute the loss of balance to taking intoxicants, having a sexual partner and not having enough time alone ( I was couch surfing ).  The anxiety became unbearable when I couldn’t interact with my friends.  I had no personality, no memories, no lexicon.  I had no ability to hold any type of conversation, it was beyond frustrating. 

Why do such small mis-steps in skillfulness cause me so much distress these days.  I want to walk the line of a peaceful mind and yet still interact with my world. 

I returned to my camper 3 days ago and I feel lost.  I’ve been sleeping more then I should.  It’s been over a year and I have done nothing to help bring the social change we need.   My intelligence feels dull and unresponsive,  my capabilities to even have a conversation are limited.  When I meditate, my mind is jumpy, uncomfortable and full of doubt.  I know it will change but am frustrated at how fragile my peace is. 

Perhaps I should abandon the path of a contemplative.  I want to become stronger so that I can interact and change the world around me.  Yet right now I feel weak, vulnerable to the smallest of transgressions. 

The thoughts in my mind say that I’m foolish to take this path on.  It says that I’m too small and too unstable to help bring significant change to our society.  It says that my savings will run out soon.  It tells me return to the work force and just take whatever medication is given me to cope with society.   

My current plan is to not have conversations with these thoughts.  Wake up at dawn, meditate daily, eat healthy, exercise and wait patiently for that clear state of mind to return. 

I expect to travel into the deep south this winter and network with those who want social change.  I have some ideas I hope to gain traction on to bring real change to our ridiculous politics in this country. 

I’m hoping the GWV online community fortifies my practice and speeds me along the process.  If I could just stay in that peaceful state of mind, where those ideas flow and skillfulness comes without effort ; I feel I could satisfy this internal pressure to help society in a state of content compassion.

I invite your advice and hope to develop compassion for you all.

Namaste,
Aaron 

[Michel]

Welcome to the Fruit of the Contemplative Life Forum, Aaron.

Interesting story. I think you're doing great. This forum is designed for someone like you.

If I was young like you, I'd be living on the road just as you're doing. Just find the odd job here and there to keep the truck on the road.

See these  discussions about right livelihood/Lifestyle for the contemplatve:  http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/board,48.0.html

I would encourage you to explore your experiences relative to the experiences of others here on the forum. An excellent place to start are the discussions under "Case Histories with religious experiences":

http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/board,33.0.html

Great Western Vehicle website: http://www.greatwesternvehicle.org/index.htm

Strive to keep your mind in the present moment throughout the day. There is an excellent book on the subject titled "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It is well written, full of wisdom, and a great joy to read. But try not to think of it as the gospel. It's available from Amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

[Jhanon]

Hi Aaron,

I second Michel's suggestion to go through the experiences of the sangha. It will help you in more ways than one Thank you for the thorough glimpse into your awareness. I've found it's very helpful to just lay it all out right away, like you have here.

Seeing that your focus is on helping our country, I can see why you would pursue enlightenment. Without enlightenment, we merely add to the confusion and complexity.

For me, I also began this path for sake of helping others. I looked into history and saw the greatest assistance brought to humanity was done by individuals like the Buddha, and other enlightened beings. Slowly, I found myself focusing more and more on the practice, and less and less on helping others. To my surprise, the assisting of others started flowing effortlessly and more greatly then when I toiled over it. Like magic, really. Instead of toiling, it became blissful, effortless, and deeply fulfilling.

Soon, the entire life I'm living became that beacon of hope for others. It was all magical, blissful, and profound. It now has that "special something." And all I'm doing is practicing, which is learning to reside in the authentic way, often called Tao or Dhamma.  This requires great surrender, but following that surrender has always been bliss, ecstasy, and truly amazing things. Piles of coincidences ontop of coincidences. Abilities I only saw hinted at in obscure books. And they just flow.

In other words, I've found the best we can do for everyone else is get out of the way of this natural flow. And to do that, we have the refuge; sangha and jhana, or as I often call it; meditative absorption.

Please let me know if I can do anything to make you feel more welcome, or to develope specifically what you want to develop.

Until then, know that we have all gone through dark nights, and can empathize with your current state. Afterall, in my experience, it is only through suffering that we grow--just as a plant not getting enough light will start to grow towards it. Just as you've reached out for a sangha here

Relax. This is a refuge, like jhana, where you can say and be authentic. I'm happy you're here with us. I hope you'll give us a good chance to reveal just how profound of a discovery I feel you've already made with the mind.

Cheers!

[Michel]

I think you need inspiration, Aaron. Aside from this forum, I find great inspiration from reading the teachings of the great mystics. I read suttas from the Pali Canon every day. I feel this is very important, it keeps me on the path, it energies me.

It is also important to understand the 4 Noble Truths (scroll down a bit): http://www.greatwesternvehicle.org/pali/Phala_Nikaya/mahasatipatthanasutta.htm

 And it is important to master the Noble Eightfold Path and put into practice everyday. Good discussion here: http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,555.0.html

The world is full of greed, hatred and delusion. But you can change the world by overcoming the greed, hatred and delusion that is within yourself. Then you can help others do the same. That's the revolution. That's what the Eightfold Path enables us to do.

[Cal]

Hello Aaron,

Welcome to the GWV, you are truly with friends here. Firstly, Id like to tell you that I relate with you. I've been a Millwright by trade for the last 7 years. I am also 1 quarter shy of a transferable AA into ME. I think what drew me to this work was the "problem solving" aspect. For me, something has always been missing, and through this work, I could "make it whole". It has always been in the end result, because everything in between was dull, yet occupying. I could "find" the answer, and "correct" it. I have always been searching...

There have been numerous events of suffering in my life, yet I think I'll talk about the ones that closet fit the stage I believe you're at. When I was 21 I got fed up with the life I was living and went to Alaska. The years previous were spent just "wandering" from event to event. I had turned my garage into a party shack. Drinking, drugs, partying, as often as I possibly could. I would fill that place, get drunk, because, I have also felt like I had no personality, and no memories. I was just present, and for me, life became alot easier if I was drunk or altered, and around other people that were of the same. That way the only things to be remembered were those of the foolish actions that particular night.

So I went to Alaska, and met my wife. There I learned to "live for" her, in a sense. She was not accustomed to our ways, here in America, as she was from Ukraine. She did not know how to stand on her own, she was pretty lost, man. So i lived through her for awhile...well the last 8 years. This, at the time, felt to be the answer, the end to the search. Then my daughter was born, and again, I felt I had found the answer. Yet, I have always returned to this place of "searching". Thats what it is, you know, you're searching for something, something lost to you, but very close. Its why when others are happy/distracted/content with the ways of the world, we just cant seem to be as into it as everyone else.

So as I've also shared here, I turned to opiates. http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,800.0.html Heres the link, if you would like to read it. I'll add, that I quit that long addiction, cold turkey, with what I found here. What I found in Jhana.

Anyway man, you've come to the right place. The answer can be found by you, with the Sangha to support you, when you do.

[Cal]

I think you need inspiration, Aaron. Aside from this forum, I find great inspiration from reading the teachings of the great mystics. I read suttas from the Pali Canon every day. I feel this is very important, it keeps me on the path, it energies me.

It is also important to understand the 4 Noble Truths (scroll down a bit): http://www.greatwesternvehicle.org/pali/Phala_Nikaya/mahasatipatthanasutta.htm

 And it is important to master the Noble Eightfold Path and put into practice everyday. Good discussion here: http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,555.0.html

The world is full of greed, hatred and delusion. But you can change the world by overcoming the greed, hatred and delusion that is within yourself. Then you can help others do the same. That's the revolution. That's what the Eightfold Path enables us to do.

Yes, purpose should always be made clear, especially for those of us that continue to ride this "wave" of spiritual highs and lows...keep our bearings. One of the things that I've found interesting, is how the "balance" can operate at such extremes. For me, when worldly affairs seem to be at peak, is when the spiritual becomes less paramount, and visa-versa.

This has been one of my biggest struggles, as there is still great need to provide for my family. The worst part of it all, is I am aware of both, and even more aware that the worldly life is guided by Identity, and the spiritual by Awareness. Michael Hawkins wrote an article on this, which Jhanananda replied to saying; "The young struggle with letting go, because there is still that which must be done." (This is in my words, not his, his were better and not full of holes lol, ill look for it).

http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,374.0.html There.

[Aaron]

Michel,
Thanks for the welcome.  I read "The Power of Now" about four years ago.  It was probably the first real glimpse at the present moment for me.  I carry a portable hard drive around with several audio books to share ; "The Power of Now" is one of those books ( sorry Ekhart, I'm sure you understand the importance of waking up our population ).

Even if I revert back to life as an engineer, I know that living on the road is in my blood.  I expect to stay mobile, it facilitates meeting so many wonderful people and spreading positive energy around.  I day dream to be part of a caravan of seekers, a tribe going from one location to another, full of love, dropping random acts of kindness everywhere they go, left to reverberate in our society.

Inspiration would be nice, maybe just some encouragement to keep on trucking and hearing it will get better.  It's crazy how I forget the joy of calm contentment, the mind is so quick to doubt the pathust because my contentment disappeared for a while..... so strange.  Truly odd how so very painful my experience becomes if I stop meditating for a couple days.  I guess it's helping me along the path, appears to be one way....

So much to read, thank you.  I'm developing a daily chant/prayer that includes the 8 fold path, something worth reminding myself of.


Jhannon,
I appreciate how reassuring your reply has been.  It's nice to hear that this roller coaster is all part of the path.  I'm certainly more motivated now to stay skillful. 

I worry sometimes that my goal to help change society is unskillful.  It's so very easy to feel hopeless with such an undertaking, got to remember to not let my mind get carried away in trying to figure it out.  Instead, have faith, know that I'm a small part of something bigger happening and only take on what exists in the present moment.

I've read some of the philosophy you have posted here.  i'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on the writing I've been working on and perhaps gather an analogy or two from you    ;-)


Cal,
Sounds like we have a considerable amount in common.  19-25 was alcohol, 26-28 was pot and 29-31 was psychedelics ( however I feel sometimes these substances where skillful).  My father died of a heroin over does, so I've always feared operates, I can see how they could really grab me, as my sober experience can be so unpleasent.  Thank you for sharing your journey with the substance, I expect it to be a rewarding read.  I run the philosophy that it is unskillful to take a substance to run from a sensation in the present moment ( do not react to dislike ).  I know now to face it head on, although I still forget time to time and need a reminder.... also odd how I forget about the present moment. 

I see my engineering brain is constantly seeking new problems to "solve", yet it's that very same behavior that clings to the concept of a final "solution".  I realize it only leads to suffering when I believe that there is a final material solution for human behavior ( politics, society and myself ).  It's a constant effort to wake up, that's just our existence.     



I look forward to reading and sharing more with this group.  Thank you, I feel better already.

Cheers,
Aaron

[Jhanon]

Jhanon,
I appreciate how reassuring your reply has been.  It's nice to hear that this roller coaster is all part of the path.  I'm certainly more motivated now to stay skillful. 

I worry sometimes that my goal to help change society is unskillful.   It's so very easy to feel hopeless with such an undertaking, got to remember to not let my mind get carried away in trying to figure it out.  Instead, have faith, know that I'm a small part of something bigger happening and only take on what exists in the present moment.

I've read some of the philosophy you have posted here.  i'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on the writing I've been working on and perhaps gather an analogy or two from you    ;-)

I'm glad to hear it was useful. There is a tendency for some of us to jump straight to "the good stuff" when newcomers arrive. I am guilty of it, but made a special effort not to. But, If you looked through some of the jhana and samadhi experiences, or the blogs, you see what I mean by "good stuff."

Regarding the highlighted content of your response: I worry sometimes that my goal to help change society is unskillful. It seems you know the truth regarding this specific sentence. But, if you want to know how you can best do what you're trying to do, I can only recommend the highest mountain from which all else can be seen, the greatest gift I've ever come to be deeply fulfilled in gifting to others. That is, of course, samadhi/jhana. Although, I don't really give it to them. It's more like pointing out something....still amazing though!

I'd love to see your writing. There is also some excellent writing on here by Alexander. In my experience, our ability to tap into creativity increases manifold as we learn to navigate meditative absorption with greater and greater skill. I've written about it all over this forum. So, Feel free to post whatever you like. Start yourself some threads and just let her rip.

We all enjoy reading the mystical experiences of others. And because they become so intricate and common later on in development, they don't usually make it on the forum unless by newcomers. Or at least this has been my experience. So, I'd love to hear about anything profound or out of the ordinary you've experienced.

[Aaron]

We all enjoy reading the mystical experiences of others. And because they become so intricate and common later on in development, they don't usually make it on the forum unless by newcomers. Or at least this has been my experience. So, I'd love to hear about anything profound or out of the ordinary you've experienced.

[Jhanon]

Hi Aaron,

Did you mean to say something about the material you quoted? We had some issues with the forum yesterday, and it's unusual to see a post with just a quote.

[Jhanananda]

Welcome, Aaron, to this sangha of bliss-bunnies.  It sounds like you are well on your way to becoming a "bliss-bunnies," or "jhana=junkie" as the Buddhist community tends to all us.  Yes, there are many ups and downs on the path to bliss.  Those ups tend to come from discipline, and the downs tend to come from a lack of it.  So, work hard on your enlightenment.

By the way, some of your photos look like you were in Sedona, where I happen to have lived for the last 2 years.

[Aaron]

Hi Jhanon,
Ooppsss, that might have been my fault, I was quoting those links to compliment them.  A concise explanaition and practical instructions.  Thank You.

Welcome, Aaron, to this sangha of bliss-bunnies.  It sounds like you are well on your way to becoming a "bliss-bunnies," or "jhana=junkie" as the Buddhist community tends to all us.  Yes, there are many ups and downs on the path to bliss.  Those ups tend to come from discipline, and the downs tend to come from a lack of it.  So, work hard on your enlightenment.

By the way, some of your photos look like you were in Sedona, where I happen to have lived for the last 2 years.

Greetings Jhanananda,
Yep, I passed through Sedona last winter.  I wish I joined this community earlier, I would have loved to have practiced with you.

I've been in a down spell for 4 weeks now, can't seem to pull myself out of it.  On the positive side, I'm meditating 2-3hours a day, as it's the only break I get from the pain.  I could be more disciplined in my mindfulness, I slip up and dislike the pain more often then not. 

I feel lost, not clear to what I'm doing. 

[Jhanananda]

Greetings Jhanananda,
Yep, I passed through Sedona last winter.  I wish I joined this community earlier, I would have loved to have practiced with you.

I've been in a down spell for 4 weeks now, can't seem to pull myself out of it.  On the positive side, I'm meditating 2-3hours a day, as it's the only break I get from the pain.  I could be more disciplined in my mindfulness, I slip up and dislike the pain more often then not. 

I feel lost, not clear to what I'm doing.

Yes, I too am sorry that we did not meet and practice together last winter.  Perhaps some other time.

What is the nature of your pain?  Is it physical, or emotional?  If it is physical, then I can suggest Anthocyanin, which is a natural anti-inflammatory.

If your pain is emotional, then I can suggest moment-to-moment mindful-self-awareness, and using it to maintain a still mind, directing your attention to the positive experiences you have in meditation, which we call "jhana" here.  It has helped me immensely with my own deep emotional pain.

[Cal]

Greetings Jhanananda,
Yep, I passed through Sedona last winter.  I wish I joined this community earlier, I would have loved to have practiced with you.

I've been in a down spell for 4 weeks now, can't seem to pull myself out of it.  On the positive side, I'm meditating 2-3hours a day, as it's the only break I get from the pain.  I could be more disciplined in my mindfulness, I slip up and dislike the pain more often then not. 

I feel lost, not clear to what I'm doing.

One of the things I've found important, in my own practice, is to define the reasoning behind my own "down spells". Meditation, is of course, the correct solution. Many here have described the charisms (Jhana) as a refuge, a place of bliss, joy, and ecstacy. For a time, it was hard for me to recognize anything as a "refuge", but it truly is, what it is. Living in the present moment, as Jhanananada suggested, is the perfect solution. Heightened Awareness of everything, slow things down, search everything, just be present to "experience".

This is a work of Michel's, actually. Hes very critical in his search for exact meaning =), and because of that, we get gems like this. This is the 7th Stage of the Noble Eight Fold path, this outlines some very important things.

7. Right Mindfulness and self-awareness (samma-sati) – The Four Foundations of Mindfulness:
1) Mindful contemplation of the body (kaya)
2) Mindful contemplation of feeling (vedana) -- pleasant, unpleasant, neutral
3) Mindful  contemplation of mind-states (citta) moods - greed, aversion, delusion and their opposites -generosity, loving-kindness, wisdom [greed, aversion, and delusion are the first 3 factors of the ten factors of meditation]
4) Mindful contemplation of mind objects (dhammas) -- the Five categories of dhammas: Five Hindrances, Five Aggregates, Six-sense bases, Seven Factors of Enlightenment, Four Noble Truths

Again, definition is what becomes critical, here;

Digha Nikaya 22

Maha-satipatthana Sutta (DN 22)

The Larger Discourse on the Four Cornerstones (1) of Awareness Training
Four noble truths

"Furthermore, the aspirant abides focused upon mental qualities with respect to the four noble truths. And how does one abides focused upon mental qualities in and of themselves with respect to the four noble truths? There is the case where one discerns, as it is actually present, that 'This is dissatisfaction (dukkha) (9)... This is the origination of dissatisfaction (dukkha)... This is the cessation of dissatisfaction (dukkha)... This is the way leading to the cessation of dissatisfaction (dukkha).'

So, this is where we ask questions, be critical. Use the 4 noble truths as the mold in which to contemplate the 7th Stage of the Noble Eightfold Path. Then come here, and ask away =). Meditative absorption is the key to ending suffering. Contemplation is just the way, initially, to get there. We first have to come to an understanding of our own dispassion of the world, so that we may find what is lost.

One thing I can promise you, is we can get to the bottom of it =).

Good to see you again, Aaron.

[Jhanon]

I've been in a down spell for 4 weeks now, can't seem to pull myself out of it.  On the positive side, I'm meditating 2-3hours a day, as it's the only break I get from the pain.  I could be more disciplined in my mindfulness, I slip up and dislike the pain more often then not. 

I feel lost, not clear to what I'm doing.

I'm sorry, Aaron. Respectfully, I want to say that we've all been there, brother. That's why we're all here So, we can feel what you're going through. If not from memory of our own struggles, then directly.

A Little Personal Story on the Subject
You know what was really hard for me to accept about my own struggles with emotional pain? Was that it was a self-indulgence. Alexander, another member on here, pointed it out for me. When I talk too much, or say something impulsive, when I take a drug, eat a food only for sensory pleasure, or even when I cry out of pitying myself--it's all a self-indulgence. If we look at our conditioned identities as children that need to be loved, disciplined and educated; then these self-indulgences are like that of me spoiling a child I have to live with at all times.

Now, that is not something everyone can get on board with right away. I remember people saying similar things to me about 10 years ago, and it caused quite a bit of anger (which is of course, a self-indulgence as well--hahaha!). We're all in different places in development. But, in my personal experience, it's true that most of my pain and frustration are born of indulging the identity, the inner child 'Jhanon', in what he wants.

Best wishes, my friend. Hopefully you made it south before the weather turned. This time of year can be very confusing and saddening if you're in an area that is going through a classic autumn or winter.