One thing was I keep feeling really scared of going back to Jhana these days because I tend to have really poor sleep and bad energy throughout the day. I'm not sure if this is right? Should I just stick to meditation in the day?
In my experience of negotiating the 8 stages of samadhi requires a complete lifestyle that is oriented strictly to the purpose. When one is fully occupied with negotiating the 8 stages of samadhi, then whether one gets a good night's rest no longer becomes relevant, because one is meditating several times a day, and one can take a nap when needed, so if one is awake all night saturated in the charisms, then one gets plenty of rest other times.
I also experienced this in the first big bang of progress when I came across Michael, and then Jhananda and the GWV. It is the purpose for writing the thread "Down The Rabbithole" or maybe it was "Frightening Dreams and Sudden Hesitancy." What was happening is that the experiences were becoming so profound, the white wall of annihilation was so frequent, and the fear of annihilation was becoming so constant, and I was so unprepared at the time to surrender--that I would be exhausted by the time morning came. Does that sound about right?
PS. I once again agree with Jhananda. I have other thoughts on this, but I trust he is far wiser than myself. So, I defer to him.
Yes it definitely sounds like it. It's a total irrational fear. I get so frightened that I try not to fall asleep at all, I'm so afraid that I might lose myself.
I'm afraid of losing myself, and my mind automatically goes to my parents, siblings and everyone else who cares about me. One part of me tells me that they won't understand and they would just break down in misery and it would pain me a lot to leave just like that.
The thing is, a lot of people have placed expectations on me. When young, I just picked out a career with the best prospect of helping people (it was like an innate drive) and chose to be a doctor. And here I am, in medical school with financial debts incurred where I cannot simply drop out because then my parents would have to struggle to survive the debts. As their son, it would be really out of character to leave my parents a financial bomb - I'd at least have to alleviate their burdens.
What I really wanted to do was to do what the scientists and doctors can't - to bring spirituality, mysticism, tribal medicines, eastern medicines, western medicine, surgery and all kinds of 'medicine' together into one unified experience, and in turn help increase the health as well as belief in seeking out the dharma within people. I find that I have an abnormal amount of creativity and insights when it comes to this subject. It just flows to me, I'm quite sure I can find a different perspective. Is it bad to have an ambition like this? It does not seem very reflective of a contemplative life...
My other drive was to quickly get through these phases of my life while cultivating my meditation as much as I could, and then fully devoting to it once my commitments/karmic bonds are done.
