Recovery from psychiatric meds

[Jhanananda]

Yes, actually my COPD diagnosis followed local exposure to a control burn that filled downtown Prescott with smoke. I coughed up blood continuously for a month after that.

[Tad]

I can agree from my experience that air quality impacts neurogical state. I currently live in an area that has periods of poor air quality (AQI 150-200) and it tends to contribute to fatigue and increased tension in head and chest, which also makes the mind feel more sensitive to any mental stressors.

[Jhanananda]

Yes, and there is research to support your hypothesis. I find multi-gas air purifiers make all of the difference in my health.

Air Pollution’s Impact on Mental Health

[Alexander]

I stopped taking the Seroquel on May 4, and have had (what I now recognize as) withdrawal akathisia for one month. It is a horrible experience.

My memory and cognition seem improved (maybe to 87%) relative to the medicated period, but I am in an awful dysphoric, anxious, depressive, and bordering suicidal state. The state invokes a recalling of the past and much ruminating/regret. It strips one of a sense of wellness/self-worth. I do get relief in the evenings when my agitation gets *close* to normal, however the same cycle repeats the next day when I wake up agitated at 4 am.

Alcohol relieves the agitation briefly (I would prefer not to be day drinking…), but I’m learning it then causes a worse descent into dysphoria afterward. I have taken my last lorazepam just now (which I have as a leftover from my accident with the mineral spirits in the cellar in 2020). I will not consume any alcohol tomorrow and just try to tough through the suffering. I was having a better 4 am period this morning, with “windows” and “waves” cycling between periods of emotional normality and dysphoria.

I have a graduate school class I am taking this summer to try to facilitate my normalization, and it is a simple course of film study, but I am struggling simply to watch the films let alone write the literary analyses of them.

I’ve done well “externally” speaking - forcing myself to apply for jobs, go for interviews (I start a new one on Aug 30), sign up and go to the gym, sign up for dating apps and go for dates - but the akathisia remains my internal state and has not been overcome.

It appears some fundamental issue with dopamine-serotonin-simple wellness release in the brain. It creates an artificial state of suffering which cannot be mentally overcome - it’s something to do with the brain’s chemical imbalance instead.

Going “mad” was an interesting experience, and if I recover could be seen as a part of my path of self-development; however, brain damage and akathisia are fears I have that the experience could be disabling.

If I reflect on my life, I think I became too ascetical too early (15), and then continued onward in a secular life, without having the adequate material-social experience to be well-adjusted. The lack of a loving romance, in particular, caused a lot of cognitive dissonance and ultimately trauma, which led to the psychotic break. There is a deep, existential yearning in man to love and be loved, and that was not fulfilled in me, which ultimately caused my break from reality.

I believed I had a special connection with my (now former) friend Alexandra, who I corresponded with for 10 years. I believe the expectation this would materialize into a romance - and the lack of an expression of love from her - were what caused me to fall into psychosis.

This (21st century) time period has seen a major sexual revolution occur in a short time, particularly in regard to online dating, where women are highly valued romantically whereas men are not. Despite my accomplishments I failed to connect with someone that could give me a sense of self-worth, which led to my compensatory delusions, compounding grief, and (ultimately) breakdown. 

We all have a deep inner desire to love and be loved, which I was unable to fulfill. Sadly this caused me to go insane.

[Jhanananda]

Alexander, you might find some benefit in our discussion on Set and Setting, whereby the mystic cultivates the bliss and joy of the first jhana through adjusting and fine tuning Set and Setting, which I have found listening to spiritual and contemplative music useful.  After listening to some uplifting music, then I read a page or chapter in some inspiring book such as the Bible, New Testament, Pali Canon or the writing of a mystic.

[Tad]

Alexander,

Interesting post about the deeply engrained desire to love and be loved. I think the passion for romantic relationships is the strongest one for most people. It is probably some sort of a delusion of the subconsciouss mind related to our yearning for unlimited bliss. It can be very painful, I agree. But the reality of this world is that the majority of the human beings will never find the kind of exciting romantic love that we crave for. Even if one finds it, it never lasts long enough... So the big question arising from this discussion is how to solve this problem? Maybe some minds need to experience a couple relationships to ultimately get disappointed? On the other hand, for some minds, even a bad relationship can result in limited pleasure possibly further increasing the craving for romantic love. Life is short so Jhananda's personal example of leaving society seems to be the most reliable route. But then again, I would assune that one has to be ready to a certain degree to face a lot of discomforts during the transitional period as the mind conditioned by modern living can go into panic mode.

[Jhanananda]

Alexander,

Interesting post about the deeply engrained desire to love and be loved. I think the passion for romantic relationships is the strongest one for most people. It is probably some sort of a delusion of the subconsciouss mind related to our yearning for unlimited bliss. It can be very painful, I agree. But the reality of this world is that the majority of the human beings will never find the kind of exciting romantic love that we crave for. Even if one finds it, it never lasts long enough... So the big question arising from this discussion is how to solve this problem? Maybe some minds need to experience a couple relationships to ultimately get disappointed? On the other hand, for some minds, even a bad relationship can result in limited pleasure possibly further increasing the craving for romantic love. Life is short so Jhananda's personal example of leaving society seems to be the most reliable route. But then again, I would assune that one has to be ready to a certain degree to face a lot of discomforts during the transitional period as the mind conditioned by modern living can go into panic mode.

Very well stated, Tad. To me the pursuit of romantic love is a divergence from our true goal of finding eternal love in bliss, joy and ecstasy found in deep meditation.

[Alexander]

Journal entry

Might feel a little less cynical a year from now 🤔. But my current thoughts

Jul 11-16, 2024

“Better late than never.”

After pursuing the spiritual life for 16 years, I went through a personal crisis in the summer of 2023. This crisis caused me to confront many of the ideas I had built my life around up to that time. I thought I would recount what I learned here so the wise can benefit from my experience.

1. There is no such thing as “enlightenment.”
When I was 15 and learned about Buddhism and Hinduism, I set as my life quest to reach “enlightenment”: to find the Pearl of Great Price, the Holy Grail, the philosopher’s stone, nirvana, theosis, moksha. I envisioned this as a permanent altered state of consciousness where one would experience a state of unity with the Divine. It does seem this was achieved in history by Christ and the Buddha; and in the Bible Christ says to “give up all you have and obtain the Pearl” — in other words, that the quest for this state is the ultimate thing worth pursuing in life, that to seek any other end is foolishness.

I listened to this injunction of Christ. At 15 I broke up with my girlfriend of the time so I could have the freedom to engage in introversion. In retrospect this was like my own imitation of the Buddha’s renunciation. I decided to live a hybrid life: half monastic, and half in the world. I did this to adapt my spiritual quest to modern times.

At the time I did not know who I was; I couldn’t control the flow of my thoughts; I was depressed; I was fascinated with the idea of enlightenment. While I learned to silence the mind and overcame my depression, the introversion I devoted myself to was false. There is no great achievement to be found in seclusion. There is no state free of suffering, no permanent altered state of consciousness that is the product of our work in the Inner Life. Indeed, if such a state existed there would be accounts of its attainment by individuals other than the Buddha.

It is sad to say I spent 16 years trying to attain something that does not exist; but, now I am able to adapt my beliefs. Ironically, when I was 15 I read UG Krishnamurti’s book on the “mystique of enlightenment” — that the enchantment of enlightenment seduces us but the state does not exist — and have to conclude with him that there is no such thing.

2. The Divine does not speak to man.
For years I studied the mystics, and recurring in their accounts is the idea that the Divine can speak to us through intuition. One example of this is in Socrates’ “daimonion” in the Platonic dialogues. Other manifestations of this idea appear in revealed writing, such as in the “inspired” works of the Gospels and the Bhagavad Gita, and in the psychic intuitions or “siddhis” of the yogis. Still others like John of the Cross and Francis of Assisi refer to their inner intuitions which guided them in their spiritual quests.

I have always listened to my “Inner Director” — a more powerful inner voice than “conscience” — but I have always been perplexed how it has misguided me and misled me. I must conclude that overall intuition arises from us, not from the Divine; it does not derive from an external source.

3. A personal God does not play an active role in our lives.
In the Bible Christ says that God “feeds and provides shelter to the birds” — and that as humans we are so much more important than them, that we should trust God will take care of us and look after our needs.

From this, there is the inkling to think that “everything happens for a reason,” that everything is destiny, that a wise and loving God determines what happens to us and intervenes either to challenge us or to make sure that things are just for us. This perspective makes one “like a little child” in life and before the Divine. It encourages us to develop a personal relationship with God and speak to him about what happens to us and what we need.

Throughout my life I took certain hardships as intentional challenges for me by the Divine; but, now I see it was all accident. A personal God is not intervening in our lives or ensuring that what happens to us is appropriate to our “karma” or “development.”

4. The spiritual crisis is not the path of development.
The English mystic Evelyn Underhill divided the spiritual life into the stages of Awakening, Purgation, Illumination, the Dark Night of the Soul, and Union. Over the last 16 years of introversion, I passed through these stages as I grew in my relationship with the Divine. I purified myself of the Seven Deadly Sins, overcame the “fetters,” experienced the “negative ecstasy” of the dark night, and grew in my confidence of the reality of the transcendent. Yet after all these years of Inner Work and transformation I have not achieved the state I thought was awaiting me; on the contrary, when I surrendered to the sacred, my spirituality led to renewed crisis instead. Thus, we should conclude that there is not an inner path of crisis that leads one to enlightenment.

5. Suffering does not ennoble man.
The symbolism of Christ on the cross appears to teach us to embrace the suffering that is a natural part of our lives, suggesting that it is a vehicle to ennoble and elevate us — that it is a part of our spiritual growth. Over the last 16 years I have embraced the suffering that has come to me (such as that alluded to in “Anastasis”) as a part of my own “imitation of Christ.” While I have become wiser and more humane, I am confronted by the increasing needlessness of my sufferings.

Overall, my suffering has hindered my development, negatively affected my relationships, limited my extroversion, and impaired me socially. Rather than ennoble me it has injured me. I am confronted with the uselessness of my suffering.

6. Justice requires reincarnation.
Radical inequality characterizes the human condition. Some individuals are born as Saudi princes; others are aborted in the womb. Some grow up with loving parents; others are orphaned. Some are born with great physical attributes; others are born with multiple sclerosis or cystic fibrosis.

The world, additionally, seems extremely random. Some people drive to work and meet a spouse who fulfills their lives; others drive to work and die in a car accident. Some are born as infants to well-off families like the Trumps; others are born as infants in places like World War II era China, where they are bayoneted by the Japanese in that era’s massacres.

When I pondered these questions as a youth I concluded that the only way to make the world just was through the existence of reincarnation. An afterlife is also required to vindicate the injustices experienced during a human life. Interestingly, Plato, the Buddha, and Gurdjieff came to a similar conclusion. Thus, this remains my perspective. Without reincarnation, it is a nihilistic universe.

7. There are no discrete levels of being like Gurdjieff said.
Gurdjieff was a unique spiritual thinker: a sort of alchemist who taught that the spirit was built through inner work and hardship. I discovered him as an adolescent and was devoted to his teaching for many years. Jhanananda ironically found Gurdjieff unimpressive; that since the Gurdjieff work lacked the contemplative life he could not be said to have found any spiritual attainment.

One Gurdjieff practice involved “shocks” — strikes to our sense of ego integrity — that were supposed to facilitate an alchemical change in the body. Gurdjieff taught that some people achieved higher levels of being through these shocks and a life of “work on oneself.”

I subscribed to this belief for many years; and found Gurdjieff’s four higher types of man — “man no. 4, 5, 6, and 7” — were analogous to the Buddha’s four types of noble one — streamwinner, once-returner, nonreturner, and arahant.

I overcame the sensuality and ill will of a nonreturner, and pondered the spiritual attainments of the figures I studied, like Socrates and Dante. Now I am confronted if it was all a poor use of time. If instead we live in a world of radical equality; if the afterlife is simply the operation of the principle of “like attracts like.”

8. There are no omens.
I am sure this one will be self-evident to my readers, but it is something I learned the hard way. As a young person I read Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, and in it a passage stood out to me — that “the yogi discerns the future through the ‘reading of arishta (omens).’” Omen-reading was quite popular in antiquity but is more or less dismissed today. As an exercise I began practicing it, and slowly came to view certain signs — like the appearance of a ladybug when I was despondent — were consolations for me from a loving Divine. I also began pondering the Tarot, after a recommendation to do so by a friend; and found it was another source for predestined insight into our lives.

Regrettably this is not the case; the Divine is not communicating with us through signs.

9. The jhanas — from a secular perspective.
The Buddha described the jhanas as his path to enlightenment. In the suttas, he described a time as a child when he sat under a tree and felt bliss and joy. Returning to this experience later in life, when lying in meditation he was able to re-saturate himself with these states. One recommendation to elicit the jhanas when meditating is to recall a past experience of them, using that memory to re-slip into a serene state of consciousness.

One of the perplexing things about the jhanas is how few people experience these states; only a small handful out of the whole population of Earth. Out of all those engaging in meditation, practicing as monastics, or trying to experience OOBEs, why are the jhanas not more common?

If we re-interpret the jhanas from a secular perspective, what we might suspect is that they are a gradual conditioning of the brain through deep relaxation: training it to associate meditation with the release of dopamine and GABA when practicing. This would explain my own difficulties in recreating this state, with my complex post-traumatic stress disorder causing agitation rather than relief when trying to relax deeply.

Long-term, deep relaxation would ultimately bring the individual toward states of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, which would explain the bridge between these states and the OOBEs experienced by meditators.

10. The out-of-body experience is it.
Without enlightenment — a state in which one experiences a sense of unity with the All — what philosophical end should we embrace? If there is no state free from suffering, does there exist a spiritual end worth investigating?

Having ruled out enlightenment, the Inner Director, a personal God, omens, and other phenomena, what remains is the out-of-body experience. The OOBE is a relatively well-documented phenomenon, thus there is significant evidence that this state exists.

The OOBE should be the focus of our investigations, and the direct experience of it would prove there exists a spiritual continuity of self. Having said that, I think it’s important we recognize…

11. The here-and-now is why we are here.
In Plato’s philosophy, the physical world is a projection of the higher spiritual world, and is ultimately unreal or less real than the spiritual world is. Consequently, what happens here in the physical is of lesser significance: and the true purpose of life is to prepare for death. While conceptually I agree with this, I think this perspective should be tempered by us embracing the physical world while we are here.

It’s important for us to embrace life’s opportunities as they emerge. It’s important to avoid impairing ourselves, and to avoid excessive Platonic idealism in our expectations of reality (to know that “the perfect is the enemy of the good”).

12. Worldly morality is superior to otherworldly morality.
Nietzsche wrote about two forms of morality: he used the terms “master” and “slave,” but we could also use the terms “worldly” and “otherworldly.” The first type of morality values success in this life: knowledge, strength, and power. The second type of morality prepares us for the world beyond: humility, piety, and devotion.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is my repeated sufferings at the hands of the malicious — despite my own practices of inner humility and surrender. It is clear no spiritual force has protected me, no Divine Hand has guided me. Indeed, there does not seem to be any benefit to humility or other forms of otherworldly morality.

I have always been concerned with the question of what is most real. Plato taught that reality lied in the spiritual; that the physical derives from the transcendent. We should conclude that that is the case. But, while we are here we should act in terms of our lived experience. It is better to be strong than weak, wise than foolish, confident than uncertain, tall than short, rich than poor. It’s true: these are all verifiable goods. Embracing them does not mean we must become inhumane, arrogant, or forgetful of the transcendent; but it is clear one value system leads to benefits while the other does not.

13. The vibrations — evidence?
I have mentioned several instances of spiritual phenomena over the years, such as the ringing in the ears (meditation-induced tinnitus), spiritual tears, and the sensation of heat in the chest. Previously I offered both secular and spiritual explanations for these phenomena; now, I would have to conclude they can be understood from the secular perspective.

One phenomenon that remains are the vibrational experiences felt by meditators and OOBErs. These sensations are felt in states of deep relaxation or sleep paralysis. They are often felt as exit sensations as one approaches the OOBE. When I felt these vibrations myself I found them extraordinary. They do seem to be evidence of the real nature of the OOBE. Thus, the vibrations are one of the last spiritual phenomena we can retain.

14. The nature of esotericism.
Esotericism is the belief that there are “some who know”: that through experience, there are individuals who have certain knowledge about the questions of life, death, and immortality. Esotericism is an answer to the question of agnosticism.

As I stated above, many of the spiritual phenomena I invested in over the years we can now dismiss from the secular perspective. Thus, regrettably, we can no longer use intuition as a source of spiritual authority. Consequently, what remains is the out-of-body experience.

Those who have had out-of-body experiences would be those with esoteric knowledge — assuming these accounts are reputable. This would make figures like William Buhlman, Bob Monroe, Robert Bruce, and Jeffrey Brooks the most authoritative when it comes to spiritual matters. However, we should not give excessive credence to anyone. We should view everyone from the perspective of spiritual equality, and focus instead on achieving direct experience of the Divine for ourselves.

Conclusion
When I was a teenager I wanted to be a soldier and a comedian before deciding to become a philosopher of religion. I spent 16 years becoming the world’s leading scholar of mysticism. I read more-or-less every philosopher and religious thinker over the years attempting to come to truth. I see now the atheistic intuitions I began with at 15 would have better guided me. “Better late than never.” I have not lost my religiosity, as the out-of-body experience remains in the domain of the fantastic; but, other than this, much can be dismissed as fantasy.

[Tad]

Hi Alexander,

It was interesting to read your thoughts and changes in your perception. But I would suggest that your mind is jumping to radical conclusions due to the difficulties and disappointments you experienced. Maybe some of your beliefs regarding spirituality were wrong, but it does not mean that all paths to spirituality are automatically false.

You mentioned that you tried living half in this world and half in the spiritual. I am not sure if this is a good strategy. I kind of try doing the same sometimes but I think it can put too much pressure.

Ive been going through some pains and dissapointments recently as well. I expected to attain more freedom but progress is not as fast as I would like. But a lot of my energy is consumed by wordly responsibities and stresses. At this time I do not care about enlightment. I only care about reducing suffering. I know directly from experience that I feel happier when life is simple and I can spend lots of time just resting and being with myself, rather when I am very entangled in worldy affairs.

Lastly, you say you are very dissapointed by spiritual paths and what they offer. But do you really think that the life that is considered normal by general society has anything better to offer? I think the problem is human nature not necessarily falseness of spirtiuality because no matter where we go we bring our ego, baggage of past traumas, etc.

[Jhanananda]

Good points, Tad. Also, I suspect Alexander never made it to the jhanas, or otherwise he would have found greater relief from suffering. Your point that mainstream life is deluded is also well said. I have given up on preaching to the deluded, and prefer to direct those who are capable of critical thinking, which begins with understanding the Four Noble Truths, which leads to following the Noble Eightfold Path.

[Alexander]

Hi Alexander,

It was interesting to read your thoughts and changes in your perception. But I would suggest that your mind is jumping to radical conclusions due to the difficulties and disappointments you experienced. Maybe some of your beliefs regarding spirituality were wrong, but it does not mean that all paths to spirituality are automatically false.

You mentioned that you tried living half in this world and half in the spiritual. I am not sure if this is a good strategy. I kind of try doing the same sometimes but I think it can put too much pressure.

Ive been going through some pains and dissapointments recently as well. I expected to attain more freedom but progress is not as fast as I would like. But a lot of my energy is consumed by wordly responsibities and stresses. At this time I do not care about enlightment. I only care about reducing suffering. I know directly from experience that I feel happier when life is simple and I can spend lots of time just resting and being with myself, rather when I am very entangled in worldy affairs.

Lastly, you say you are very dissapointed by spiritual paths and what they offer. But do you really think that the life that is considered normal by general society has anything better to offer? I think the problem is human nature not necessarily falseness of spirtiuality because no matter where we go we bring our ego, baggage of past traumas, etc.

Yes if I look at my current state now I’m asking “What have I accomplished?” and “What do I have to show now for 16+ years of this?” I suppose the Buddha, too, wasted years following the wrong path, leaving asceticism behind at 35.

I would say my main error was what the nature of the mystic life was. I started with Gurdjieff who was similar to an alchemist, and in the Work groups a lot of time was spent on “administering shocks” and trying to cultivate a “higher level of being” in the individual. (I mentioned in the journal the four stages of enlightenment and how similar they are between Gurdjieff and Buddhism.) Related to this was the life path presented in Underhill, of Awakening, Purgation, Illumination, the Dark Night of the Soul, and Union.

I basically viewed the spiritual life as a kind of alchemical transformation of the individual, which perfected and refined the spirit; however, I would say this is not the case. It may be fine to keep those models of the stages, but I think now it would be better to avoid the types of travails I went through.

Late in high school I experienced a kind of “social death” in which I became an outsider, and at the time I interpreted it as a Divine Hand giving me a quest to follow. That is, I was supposed to suffer in my own “imitation of Christ” and that would be my path of development. (In some Christian works they talk about “no suffering, no crown.”) I would say I also developed a “personal” relationship with the Divine around this time, viewing my travails as a specially tailored life path I was supposed to follow. When I shared this view with my friend Joe he spoke about how my view was really one of “spiritual narcissism,” thinking that God intervenes individually for us or that we are bargaining with a personal God all our lives, and I agree that this was the case.

Another error of mine was over the “Inner Director.” I spent 16 years surrendering to this Guide: What job should I pursue? When should I meditate? What relationships should I cultivate? What should I read or study? Etc. I attempted to listen more and more to the subtle inner pushes and pulls that I thought were the manifestations of that Guide.

The “Director” was what led me to inquire into jhana; it guided me through all the mystics I read; it led me to Jeff. It was the Director who inspired all my writings, paintings, etc.

When I surrendered to the Director in 2023, it felt like the same automatic writing that led me to write the Book of Shiva, etc. However, it was not a Divine source. So, it causes me to reassess a lot of “insight” as coming from us, not a Higher Self.

A central issue is I have found no relief from suffering in meditation. I recall one of my first questions to Jeff in his YouTube comments at 18 was “Is it possible to saturate oneself with the bliss of jhana?” This was one of the selfish thoughts I had as a teenager, “Can you get ‘high’ with meditation and overcome suffering?” It was this question that initially led me to Rajneesh (he seemed to be in such a state of continual “bliss”). But, he was high on actual drugs instead 😁.

I recall when I was in college and was meditating for the first time, I expected I would encounter some blissful respite in it - similar, for example, to the anxiety relief offered by the benzos from psych treatment, or from an alcoholic drink when one is under stress. I hoped it would be so strong it would cancel out or annul personal trauma, and that it would be a pleasure that surpassed that of my materialist friends.

[Jhanananda]

To me, the key to understanding jhana is the first jhana begins with bliss, and joy, so find a means of triggering bliss and joy as you sit down to meditate. Then meditate for an hour, not just 20 minutes. I find listening to inspiring music, then reading some inspiring literature, then meditating for an hour, and using meditating as a vehicle for stilling the mind. After all the second jhana is a still mind.

[Jhanananda]

Alexander, I am not sure if you paid attention to the thread "Set and Setting," but I have found it a key to my consistent depth in meditation.

[Alexander]

Alexander, I am not sure if you paid attention to the thread "Set and Setting," but I have found it a key to my consistent depth in meditation.

Appreciated 

[Tad]

Good points, Tad. Also, I suspect Alexander never made it to the jhanas, or otherwise he would have found greater relief from suffering. Your point that mainstream life is deluded is also well said. I have given up on preaching to the deluded, and prefer to direct those who are capable of critical thinking, which begins with understanding the Four Noble Truths, which leads to following the Noble Eightfold Path.

Thanks, Jhanananda. This forum has seen people come and go. I wonder how many of them actually committed to disciplined everyday practice that you recommend before concluding that meditation does not work or something along those lines.