Recovery from psychiatric meds

[Tad]

Alexander,

I think I wasted at least 15 years searching for things that would heal the mind. Even now my progress is slow due to work and family responsibilities. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with life and have doubts. But when I look at where I was 5 years ago, I see I definitely moved forward.

You are single and have a lot of freedom. You can go live in the mountains for a while to just rest and heal. Then go try meditation retreats, visit monasteries that may inspire you, do some solo retreats, etc. I do not remember you posting about doing anything like that. People give up modern life to live in forests, deserts, caves so they could spend all their energy on developing inner goodness. So I think there is a lot things that you can do to heal.

I read there is a Christian monastery in Maine where monks follow Hesychian practices. One person who stayed there wrote that the monks attained very blissful mindstates during prayer. There is also a Theravada monastery in New Hampshire based on the forest tradition. There are so many interesting things that are close to you. In my experience, it helps to get out there to hang out with real people who are also seeking something beyond this world. There can be doctrinal differences, it does not matter. But in my opinion, you can get a lot of inspiration and healing from that. Then when you get back to solo practice, you will feel stronger.

I would also recommend that you re-read some of the materials on GWV website. For example, Jhananda's article on practice regimen is a really great summary for day to day practice:
https://www.greatwesternvehicle.org/practiceregimen.htm

[Jhanananda]

Thanks, Jhanananda. This forum has seen people come and go. I wonder how many of them actually committed to disciplined everyday practice that you recommend before concluding that meditation does not work or something along those lines.

Well said, Tad. From the posts though it seems quite a few members here have acquired consistent attainment of jhana, but my declining health has kept me off the internet for long periods, so I think many of them may have moved on during my long absences.

[Tad]

Thanks, Jhanananda. This forum has seen people come and go. I wonder how many of them actually committed to disciplined everyday practice that you recommend before concluding that meditation does not work or something along those lines.

Well said, Tad. From the posts though it seems quite a few members here have acquired consistent attainment of jhana, but my declining health has kept me off the internet for long periods, so I think many of them may have moved on during my long absences.

Yes, I think some members of the forum had a natural gift for deep meditation. It would be interesting to hear from them how they progressed over the years. Unfortunately, some people give up regular practice when they hit difficult periods in life. 

[Jhanananda]

Yes, I think some members of the forum had a natural gift for deep meditation. It would be interesting to hear from them how they progressed over the years. Unfortunately, some people give up regular practice when they hit difficult periods in life.

While it might be true that as people age they may reduce their meditation practice, which could reduce their charisms; however, some of us have died since this forum started. Sam Lim, Stu and others have died. We don't seem to be accumulating new members might be the larger issue.  Why that is is not so clear.

[Tad]

Hi Jhananda,

Maybe some people just need more of your reminder "no progress without discipline" 

Regarding popularity of the forum, I think all online venues have their golden age which does not last forever. Another factor might be that these days there are all kinds of apps, youtube channels, FB groups, etc where people tend to hang out. It is probably becoming harder and harder for someone to find our dear forum.

[Jhanananda]

Hi Jhananda,

Maybe some people just need more of your reminder "no progress without discipline" 

I agree

Regarding popularity of the forum, I think all online venues have their golden age which does not last forever. Another factor might be that these days there are all kinds of apps, youtube channels, FB groups, etc where people tend to hang out. It is probably becoming harder and harder for someone to find our dear forum.

Good point

[Alexander]

There are a few forums that have grown in popularity over the years, like the Astral Pulse forum by Xanth, the obe4u board of Michael Raduga, and the Astral Projection board on Reddit. But, I always preferred Jeff’s approach, as it integrated all that fantastic stuff with a mature understanding of mysticism, including it in the same tradition as Teresa of Avila, the Buddha, John of the Cross, etc. It seemed Jeff was focused more on the “difficult homework” side of the spiritual life, whereas everyone else was skipping ahead to the “candy” of OOBEs.

[Alexander]

I stopped taking the Seroquel on May 4, and have had (what I now recognize as) withdrawal akathisia for one month. It is a horrible experience.

My memory and cognition seem improved (maybe to 87%) relative to the medicated period, but I am in an awful dysphoric, anxious, depressive, and bordering suicidal state. The state invokes a recalling of the past and much ruminating/regret. It strips one of a sense of wellness/self-worth. I do get relief in the evenings when my agitation gets *close* to normal, however the same cycle repeats the next day when I wake up agitated at 4 am.

Brief journal, Aug 6
It’s been a difficult process as I’ve had to reinstate the Seroquel to relieve the akathisia. This took about 1 month to complete. I hoped I could just come off it in a week and resume my former life, but I’m going to have to slow taper off it gradually over time. I’m hoping I will be able to come off this drug over the next months and get back to the spiritual life.

[Jhanananda]

There are a few forums that have grown in popularity over the years, like the Astral Pulse forum by Xanth, the obe4u board of Michael Raduga, and the Astral Projection board on Reddit. But, I always preferred Jeff’s approach, as it integrated all that fantastic stuff with a mature understanding of mysticism, including it in the same tradition as Teresa of Avila, the Buddha, John of the Cross, etc. It seemed Jeff was focused more on the “difficult homework” side of the spiritual life, whereas everyone else was skipping ahead to the “candy” of OOBEs.

Thank you, yes, that has been my observation that the OOBE movement tends to short cut the 4 jhanas in exchange for the instant gratification of the OOBE, but they miss the transformative properties of lingering in the 4 jhanas; consequently they do not tend to go deeply into the astral plane.

[Alexander]

Brief journal, Sep 24
Making progress toward normality. I've gone from 300 mg to 200 mg of the Seroquel. Side effects are drowsiness, sedation, insomnia, depression, amotivation, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, restless legs, and low dopamine (low pleasure or reward for daily activities). Have tried meditating on the Seroquel-- think I may need to be off it to resume practice with my desired intensity. Have gone back to work-- relatively easy job, but hard due to the medication. I've stopped doing any creative tasks-- painting or writing. Taking a benzo a day to maintain the motivation necessary to work. Have a tentative goal to be off the drugs by November-- maybe it's ambitious-- and resume normal life.

Did learn a lot from the breakdown-- the Inner Director is not a Divine guide. The Divine does not communicate with us through intuition. A shame. Surrendering to the Inner Director fully did not bear good fruit. It does negatively affect my views of mediumism, Tarot readings, destiny. From the breakdown-- Confronted my complex PTSD and have (now, hopefully) gotten on the other side of the trauma.

Doing relatively well financially-- I started the "financial independence and retire early" thing to save money so I'd have free time later in life for contemplative practice and creativity. May even be able to "retire early" in the next 5-8 years, unsure.

Goals are to get off the drug, find a way to experience religious ecstasy, and experience OOBEs. Then, continue with the painting and writing, and pass on what spiritual knowledge I have to others via the website. Also, to find a quality long term partner/spouse.

[Jhanananda]

I'm glad to read you are making progress.

[Alexander]

10-11-24
Have had akathisia for 6 months now. Losing a lot of hope I'll get my normal brain functioning back. The benzos are covering up the movement disorder, which is a living nightmare that lies underneath. The effort to reinstate then taper off Seroquel has failed. Even the name -- "Seroquel" -- made up bullshit, neither Latin nor Greek, is a giveaway not to go on this fucking drug.

Working, no purpose to working.

No pleasure from normal activities.

Social impairment; want to be healthy again first.

Unable to resume spiritual work.

The psychiatric complex that did this to me I fear may have given me a lifelong disability. Just going forward. Hoping my brain may restore itself someday. :|

[Jhanananda]

I'm sorry to read about your difficulties. The material life sure is a challenge for all of us.

[Tad]

10-11-24
Have had akathisia for 6 months now. Losing a lot of hope I'll get my normal brain functioning back. The benzos are covering up the movement disorder, which is a living nightmare that lies underneath. The effort to reinstate then taper off Seroquel has failed. Even the name -- "Seroquel" -- made up bullshit, neither Latin nor Greek, is a giveaway not to go on this fucking drug.

Working, no purpose to working.

No pleasure from normal activities.

Social impairment; want to be healthy again first.

Unable to resume spiritual work.

The psychiatric complex that did this to me I fear may have given me a lifelong disability. Just going forward. Hoping my brain may restore itself someday. :|

I was told by a very knowledgeable person that benzos will seriously mess you up if you use them for extended period. They are also extremely painful to quit once you get addicted. Have you tried finding any natural medicine doctors that work with conditions like yours? It sounds like you are in deep trouble and not something that you can just climb out on your own.

[Alexander]

I am at a low dose, 1 mg a day, which isn’t too bad… But, it’s currently treating suicidal akathisia. I’m just going to try to get off the Seroquel now. My psychiatrist is also suggesting remeron, to treat the akathisia.