Fruit of the Contemplative Life
Fruit of the contemplative life: => Contemplative Blogs => : Michael Hawkins January 18, 2014, 03:52:44 PM
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Hello dear friends and contemplatives.
After nearly a year, I just managed to post a new essay, which I thought I would reproduce here to see if anyone else resonates.
Yes, there are hints in here as to why I've been so silent and unresponsive -- I'm hoping to cycle back into a place of availability and communication, but we'll have to see what the charisms have in mind....
http://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2014/01/18/jhana-and-the-death-of-self-identity/
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Charisms, which are inevitable manifestations of spiritual awakening, are more than just pleasant sensations. We know them as expressions of jhana, samadhi, kundalini, chi, or any number of names pointing to mostly-pleasant “signs of absorption.” While they may arise as euphoric, blissful or overwhelmingly powerful waves of energy, we need to remember that these phenomena are not meant as a reward or prize for having meditated a certain number of hours, for praying fervently enough, or for being lucky.
From the moment these phenomena begin to arise, we are subject to a series of changes that flood into every area of our lives, and these changes continue for the rest of our time on Earth.
When “it” started happening for me – some time in 1994, during a cycle wherein I practised “trance work” (later known to me as “laying-down meditation”) upwards of ten hours a day – my first thought was, “Well, this certainly is interesting – I wonder how long it will last?”
Twenty years later, those initial inklings – a gentle vibration on the forehead between the eyes, a “halo” around my head, persistent vibrational sounds independent of my outer ears – have matured, expanded and integrated into my experience of life. They have become ever-present and stabilized – although there are times when a “spike” will throw everything into chaos and uncertainty, when I’m taken to levels of absorption I’ve never been to before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come back to “normality” again.
What I did not know back then is that these charisms were not just giving me validation as a dedicated, practicing contemplative.
They were ripping me apart from the inside out.
* * *
There came a time, about eight years after the onset of these “signs of absorption,” when I gleefully committed myself to the life of a contemplative – a meditator, a prayer-warrior, a studier of Scripture. Such liberation! “I am a monk! This is IT! This is ME for the REST OF MY LIFE!” February 1, 2005 is when I made a formal announcement to this effect. A flash of spiritual lightning had hurled down from the heavens, struck me between the eyes, and given me absolute conviction that my “marching papers” had finally been delivered – my life would be one long meditation retreat, and the world would just have to get used to it.
Looking back, I see that this lightning-struck declaration of who I AM was a “gift” from the charisms, and that this gift signified that authentic, undeniable transformation had commenced.
What I did not understand at the time, however, was that this “gift” would not always lead to bliss, joy and ecstasy. Granted, bliss, joy and ecstasy are always present, but they do not define my total state – they only define my presence without reference to the context of my life.
In other words, while these twenty years of daily meditation and living with the charisms have saturated me in bliss, joy and ecstasy, there is still the matter of living life. Living life creates friction, in my experience – friction resulting from the expectations, demands and requirements of a world that does not value its contemplatives, wanting them to “get a job” and spend hours at work, buying things, paying bills and contributing to the economy, rather than sitting silent for hours at a time on a meditation cushion.
This friction has been wearing at my self-identity for two decades.
It has been challenging all the beliefs I’d previously taken for granted – about myself, about the world I inhabit, about the nature of existence itself.
The charisms, once they take hold, gradually whittle away at the contemplative – and, depending on how enlarged the contemplative’s ego was upon onset, and how much the contemplative kicks and screams as the process unfolds, the “fall from grace” can form one long, tortuous, humbling period of relinquishment.
If I could counsel a “newbie” contemplative who is just coming into the charisms, I would say that there is nothing more important than to discard one’s need for self-justification as quickly as possible. If we are habitually defensive when validation and respect are withdrawn from us, we need to go straight into that burning need for validation and we need to let it go, once and for all.
I know, because I have kicked and screamed, I have issued rationalization after rationalization, and I have retained a stance of self-justification out of sheer habit – all while maintaining a vigorous daily meditation practice. The whittling away deepens as time goes on, adding torque and pressure to the imperative to relinquish. Relinquishment WILL HAPPEN, one way or another – some of us take the easy way, some of us bang our heads on every rock in the road.
While it’s true that ALL of life constitutes a challenge to let go of our erroneous beliefs, I can say that the charisms represent a guarantee that we won’t be able to avoid the utter death and destruction of our self-identity. The charisms are here to smash all of that, no matter what it takes to get the job done. Until our habituated sense of self is broken beyond repair, we are just pushing against the tidal wave – and no human is strong enough to hold it back.
Better to dive into the wave and swim wherever it wants to take us.
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Hello dear friends and contemplatives.
After nearly a year, I just managed to post a new essay, which I thought I would reproduce here to see if anyone else resonates.
Yes, there are hints in here as to why I've been so silent and unresponsive -- I'm hoping to cycle back into a place of availability and communication, but we'll have to see what the charisms have in mind....
http://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2014/01/18/jhana-and-the-death-of-self-identity/
* * *
Hello again dear friend. It is so good to hear from you again, after so long, and to read one of your excellent essays. I imagine some day all of these essays will become a book that will inspire many future mystics.
Charisms, which are inevitable manifestations of spiritual awakening, are more than just pleasant sensations. We know them as expressions of jhana, samadhi, kundalini, chi, or any number of names pointing to mostly-pleasant “signs of absorption.” While they may arise as euphoric, blissful or overwhelmingly powerful waves of energy, we need to remember that these phenomena are not meant as a reward or prize for having meditated a certain number of hours, for praying fervently enough, or for being lucky.
From the moment these phenomena begin to arise, we are subject to a series of changes that flood into every area of our lives, and these changes continue for the rest of our time on Earth.
When “it” started happening for me – some time in 1994, during a cycle wherein I practised “trance work” (later known to me as “laying-down meditation”) upwards of ten hours a day – my first thought was, “Well, this certainly is interesting – I wonder how long it will last?”
Twenty years later, those initial inklings – a gentle vibration on the forehead between the eyes, a “halo” around my head, persistent vibrational sounds independent of my outer ears – have matured, expanded and integrated into my experience of life. They have become ever-present and stabilized – although there are times when a “spike” will throw everything into chaos and uncertainty, when I’m taken to levels of absorption I’ve never been to before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come back to “normality” again.
What I did not know back then is that these charisms were not just giving me validation as a dedicated, practicing contemplative.
They were ripping me apart from the inside out.
* * *
This transformation, or ripping apart is all about reorganizing our life around the contemplative life; but when i read the description of our charisms in another religious context it is often believed to be, "the work of the devil.' I often have reflected upon why mystics are almost consistently marginalized in every culture and period; and who does that marginalizing? It is the devout who martyr the mystics, because they erroneously believe that what we are about is evil.
There came a time, about eight years after the onset of these “signs of absorption,” when I gleefully committed myself to the life of a contemplative – a meditator, a prayer-warrior, a studier of Scripture. Such liberation! “I am a monk! This is IT! This is ME for the REST OF MY LIFE!” February 1, 2005 is when I made a formal announcement to this effect. A flash of spiritual lightning had hurled down from the heavens, struck me between the eyes, and given me absolute conviction that my “marching papers” had finally been delivered – my life would be one long meditation retreat, and the world would just have to get used to it.
Looking back, I see that this lightning-struck declaration of who I AM was a “gift” from the charisms, and that this gift signified that authentic, undeniable transformation had commenced.
What I did not understand at the time, however, was that this “gift” would not always lead to bliss, joy and ecstasy. Granted, bliss, joy and ecstasy are always present, but they do not define my total state – they only define my presence without reference to the context of my life.
In other words, while these twenty years of daily meditation and living with the charisms have saturated me in bliss, joy and ecstasy, there is still the matter of living life. Living life creates friction, in my experience – friction resulting from the expectations, demands and requirements of a world that does not value its contemplatives, wanting them to “get a job” and spend hours at work, buying things, paying bills and contributing to the economy, rather than sitting silent for hours at a time on a meditation cushion.
This friction has been wearing at my self-identity for two decades.
It has been challenging all the beliefs I’d previously taken for granted – about myself, about the world I inhabit, about the nature of existence itself.
The charisms, once they take hold, gradually whittle away at the contemplative – and, depending on how enlarged the contemplative’s ego was upon onset, and how much the contemplative kicks and screams as the process unfolds, the “fall from grace” can form one long, tortuous, humbling period of relinquishment.
If I could counsel a “newbie” contemplative who is just coming into the charisms, I would say that there is nothing more important than to discard one’s need for self-justification as quickly as possible. If we are habitually defensive when validation and respect are withdrawn from us, we need to go straight into that burning need for validation and we need to let it go, once and for all.
I know, because I have kicked and screamed, I have issued rationalization after rationalization, and I have retained a stance of self-justification out of sheer habit – all while maintaining a vigorous daily meditation practice. The whittling away deepens as time goes on, adding torque and pressure to the imperative to relinquish. Relinquishment WILL HAPPEN, one way or another – some of us take the easy way, some of us bang our heads on every rock in the road.
While it’s true that ALL of life constitutes a challenge to let go of our erroneous beliefs, I can say that the charisms represent a guarantee that we won’t be able to avoid the utter death and destruction of our self-identity. The charisms are here to smash all of that, no matter what it takes to get the job done. Until our habituated sense of self is broken beyond repair, we are just pushing against the tidal wave – and no human is strong enough to hold it back.
Better to dive into the wave and swim wherever it wants to take us.
Yes, the world of humans does not value its mystics, and wants everyone to work themselves to death; and does not want to support its mystics who can no longer stand the struggle for life. Life is full of struggle, and the the struggle for life has worn me out, and it seems it has worn you down as well.
I have been working on an extension of the 4 Noble Truths. Here it is:
Surely suffering exists. Some of that suffering is the suffering that is the product of the shear struggle for life. And, arguably the degree of struggle is in some way proportional to our craving; however, even when we give up craving, and enter the contemplative live, which transforms us into a full-blown mystic, then we still have to come back here to meet the daily struggle for life its self; and it wears us down.
Thank-you for posting your blog here. I look forward to reading more of your blogs, as well of those of others. I never seem to tire of reading the blogs and case histories, and discussion here; when all else has turned to weariness.
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Thank you for your kind words, Jeffrey. Your efforts to provide a safe harbor for mystics and contemplatives have been a boon for folks like me.
This transformation, or ripping apart is all about reorganizing our life around the contemplative life; but when i read the description of our charisms in another religious context it is often believed to be, "the work of the devil.' I often have reflected upon why mystics are almost consistently marginalized in every culture and period; and who does that marginalizing? It is the devout who martyr the mystics, because they erroneously believe that what we are about is evil.
I have to agree with you here. In discussing with adherents the actual experience that mainline traditions and religions purport to preserve, foster and teach -- i.e., the universal manifestations of the "divine" that most religions consider to be "dead and buried" during some long-ago Golden Age wherein the progenitor displayed what were considered super-human spiritual phenomena -- there is a very narrow range of discussion allowed, as these people are so controlled by fear (of everlasting Hell or rebirth as a slimy toad) that they won't entertain the availability of actual experience. Better to burn the witches and warlocks than try to find common ground in the quest for divine union....
Yes, the world of humans does not value its mystics, and wants everyone to work themselves to death; and does not want to support its mystics who can no longer stand the struggle for life. Life is full of struggle, and the the struggle for life has worn me out, and it seems it has worn you down as well.
The masses are brainwashed into enslavement on all levels. To challenge basic beliefs and assumptions about how to live one's life is considered treason against the obvious -- so they continue their parade march into forgetfulness and Borg-mind mentality. And it's hard for me to blame them -- their plight is just the logical outcome of a lifetime's indoctrination. Once you find yourself out on the margins, there's no re-entry into the hive.
Surely suffering exists. Some of that suffering is the suffering that is the product of the shear struggle for life. And, arguably the degree of struggle is in some way proportional to our craving; however, even when we give up craving, and enter the contemplative live, which transforms us into a full-blown mystic, then we still have to come back here to meet the daily struggle for life its self; and it wears us down.
In my experience, giving up craving is an automatic process that comes with the territory -- which is to say, once we are "activated" into 1st jhana and we gradually manage to surrender to saturation through daily immersion, we begin to lose our craving for all the enticements of life. At a certain point, the process digs down to the "root cravings" that manifest in things like the innate desire for validation, recognition, respect -- and we get to watch our reactivity based on these root cravings. This is when our suffering intensifies, as the charisms burrow deeper and deeper into our psyches, gouging out our most deep-seated attachments to this wretched collective dream-reality. So, I am to a place where I recommend that we mystics and contemplatives actively pursue individual policies of relinquishment. We are human, so our habits die slowly -- but die they must, and the sooner the better.
Thank-you for posting your blog here. I look forward to reading more of your blogs, as well of those of others. I never seem to tire of reading the blogs and case histories, and discussion here; when all else has turned to weariness.
I hope I'm back... I really do....
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Thank you for your kind words, Jeffrey. Your efforts to provide a safe harbor for mystics and contemplatives have been a boon for folks like me.
Thank-you Michael, I am so glad that you have found refuge here, because none of us have ever found refuge among mainstream Buddhist teachers, like: Geshe Tashi Tsering, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chödrön, Phillip Moffitt, Goenka and so many other frauds in Buddhism.
I have to agree with you here. In discussing with adherents the actual experience that mainline traditions and religions purport to preserve, foster and teach -- i.e., the universal manifestations of the "divine" that most religions consider to be "dead and buried" during some long-ago Golden Age wherein the progenitor displayed what were considered super-human spiritual phenomena -- there is a very narrow range of discussion allowed, as these people are so controlled by fear (of everlasting Hell or rebirth as a slimy toad) that they won't entertain the availability of actual experience. Better to burn the witches and warlocks than try to find common ground in the quest for divine union....
Yes, I agree, and those people would include: Geshe Tashi Tsering, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chödrön, Phillip Moffitt, Goenka and so many other frauds in Buddhism.
The masses are brainwashed into enslavement on all levels. To challenge basic beliefs and assumptions about how to live one's life is considered treason against the obvious -- so they continue their parade march into forgetfulness and Borg-mind mentality. And it's hard for me to blame them -- their plight is just the logical outcome of a lifetime's indoctrination. Once you find yourself out on the margins, there's no re-entry into the hive.
Yes, I agree, and the people who are part of that brainwashing into enslavement on all levels into forgetfulness and Borg-mind mentality include: Geshe Tashi Tsering, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chödrön, Phillip Moffitt, Goenka and so many other frauds in Buddhism. Of course every religion has its frauds, not just Buddhism
In my experience, giving up craving is an automatic process that comes with the territory -- which is to say, once we are "activated" into 1st jhana and we gradually manage to surrender to saturation through daily immersion, we begin to lose our craving for all the enticements of life. At a certain point, the process digs down to the "root cravings" that manifest in things like the innate desire for validation, recognition, respect -- and we get to watch our reactivity based on these root cravings. This is when our suffering intensifies, as the charisms burrow deeper and deeper into our psyches, gouging out our most deep-seated attachments to this wretched collective dream-reality. So, I am to a place where I recommend that we mystics and contemplatives actively pursue individual policies of relinquishment. We are human, so our habits die slowly -- but die they must, and the sooner the better.
Yes, I agree, and at the depth of the level of relinquishment you are speaking of is far, far beyond the comprehension of people like: Geshe Tashi Tsering, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chödrön, Phillip Moffitt, Goenka and so many other frauds in Buddhism.
I hope I'm back... I really do....
Good to have you back. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say. I am sure the other contemplatives here will find much to learn from what you have to say.
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It is good to see posts from you again Michael, they are very useful to me and I'm sure most of us here.
Surely suffering exists. Some of that suffering is the suffering that is the product of the shear struggle for life. And, arguably the degree of struggle is in some way proportional to our craving; however, even when we give up craving, and enter the contemplative live, which transforms us into a full-blown mystic, then we still have to come back here to meet the daily struggle for life its self; and it wears us down.
What I did not understand at the time, however, was that this “gift” would not always lead to bliss, joy and ecstasy. Granted, bliss, joy and ecstasy are always present, but they do not define my total state – they only define my presence without reference to the context of my life.
In other words, while these twenty years of daily meditation and living with the charisms have saturated me in bliss, joy and ecstasy, there is still the matter of living life. Living life creates friction, in my experience – friction resulting from the expectations, demands and requirements of a world that does not value its contemplatives, wanting them to “get a job” and spend hours at work, buying things, paying bills and contributing to the economy, rather than sitting silent for hours at a time on a meditation cushion.
If I could counsel a “newbie” contemplative who is just coming into the charisms, I would say that there is nothing more important than to discard one’s need for self-justification as quickly as possible. If we are habitually defensive when validation and respect are withdrawn from us, we need to go straight into that burning need for validation and we need to let it go, once and for all.
I was starting to get a sense as of late that this was the case. It has never seemed as simple as just giving up craving and enjoying the bliss train. But to see you two actually say something about it gives me hope still. It gives me more reason to dedicate myself to the contemplative life, because life here is never really going to be a cakewalk, even with deep absorption, but at the same time to just live this harsh and confusing life without putting effort towards a contemplative life seems wasteful. So I am hoping to be able to work through frictions in my own life with the understanding that the problems of living life don't necessarily get wiped away just because one has absorption. And seeing my own reactiveness bred from a "burning need for validation" has definitely been a recurring theme for me in the past year, even when it is not validation from society I am seeking, but that of a loved one. I have found right in the middle of an arguement that " I have retained a stance of self-justification out of sheer habit", and it makes me sick sometimes that I do it so naturally without realizing at first. What should I be practicing when these situations like this arise?
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Hello Roughleader, Jeffrey and friends,
I have found right in the middle of an argument that "I have retained a stance of self-justification out of sheer habit", and it makes me sick sometimes that I do it so naturally without realizing at first. What should I be practising when these situations like this arise?
I have not found any sure-fire methods, unfortunately -- seems like I am constantly watching myself crouch like a tiger, ready to pounce in situations like the one you describe. As time goes by and the charisms continue to whittle away at me, it's clear that whatever sense of safety and security I once derived from my conditioned sense of self is gone, gone, gone... leaving me in a constant state of self-questioning and insecurity with regard to life on Earth. What is asked of us is to find a more true, authentic focus of attention -- which, if the mystics of old are any guide, equates with the higher principle of LIFE that animates us all (i.e., God, the Divine, or even manifestations of such, as in jhana, samadhi, etc.). As Jeffrey is always saying, it doesn't matter what's going on in his world -- physical pain, suffering born of the need to survive in a harsh and corrupt world -- when he takes a moment to deepen his absorption, his perspective aligns with that which is not subject to suffering, and he is renewed. For me, I pray out to the Spirit, which is present as the very saturation in absorption that has been here for 20 years now.
What does not work, in my opinion, is to beat myself up. Self-judgement is just as bad as self-justification -- they both are strategies that the ego employs to keep itself at the center of everything. I've had to work hard on the self-judgement thing, since part of my historical self-identity is that I am a "good man" who cares about people and is in a position to help -- but what kind of "good man" blows up at his loved ones, says unfortunate things and is actually cruel at times? I try to give myself some slack, reminding myself that this was never going to be easy, that it's what I invoked at some point -- I have to believe that this path of identity-dissolution is not only necessary, but ultimately beneficial for all beings. It's all very humbling.
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It is good to see posts from you again Michael, they are very useful to me and I'm sure most of us here.
The more voices that we can have from fellow mystics, such as Michael, Stu, Sam, rougeleader115 and others on this forum, the more people find assurance that the experiences that they have in deep meditation that are like ours, are valid, even if mainstream Buddhism rejects them for "damaging their brain from incorrect meditation practice."
I was starting to get a sense as of late that this was the case. It has never seemed as simple as just giving up craving and enjoying the bliss train. But to see you two actually say something about it gives me hope still. It gives me more reason to dedicate myself to the contemplative life, because life here is never really going to be a cakewalk, even with deep absorption, but at the same time to just live this harsh and confusing life without putting effort towards a contemplative life seems wasteful. So I am hoping to be able to work through frictions in my own life with the understanding that the problems of living life don't necessarily get wiped away just because one has absorption. And seeing my own reactiveness bred from a "burning need for validation" has definitely been a recurring theme for me in the past year, even when it is not validation from society I am seeking, but that of a loved one. I have found right in the middle of an arguement that " I have retained a stance of self-justification out of sheer habit", and it makes me sick sometimes that I do it so naturally without realizing at first. What should I be practicing when these situations like this arise?
I enjoyed reading your mature response here, rougeleader115. As a mendicant I live closely to the homeless and I have observed that there is a definite significant faction of the homeless population who are devout Christians. Additionally, I have seen these devout homeless have ended up on the street with nothing, because they believed that "God" would save them from ruin, because of their devotion to their belief system.
In fact I regularly get auto parts from junkyards, where I happen to notice that many of the autos there have religious symbols remaining near the driver's seat, which has caused me to reflect that the junkyards are full of the autos of the faithful, as well as the graveyards are full of the faithful lying right next to the faithless.
Hello Roughleader, Jeffrey and friends,
I have not found any sure-fire methods, unfortunately -- seems like I am constantly watching myself crouch like a tiger, ready to pounce in situations like the one you describe. As time goes by and the charisms continue to whittle away at me, it's clear that whatever sense of safety and security I once derived from my conditioned sense of self is gone, gone, gone... leaving me in a constant state of self-questioning and insecurity with regard to life on Earth.
This is the kind of self-awareness that I have been speaking of.
What is asked of us is to find a more true, authentic focus of attention -- which, if the mystics of old are any guide, equates with the higher principle of LIFE that animates us all (i.e., God, the Divine, or even manifestations of such, as in jhana, samadhi, etc.). As Jeffrey is always saying, it doesn't matter what's going on in his world -- physical pain, suffering born of the need to survive in a harsh and corrupt world -- when he takes a moment to deepen his absorption, his perspective aligns with that which is not subject to suffering, and he is renewed. For me, I pray out to the Spirit, which is present as the very saturation in absorption that has been here for 20 years now.
This focus upon the internal religious experience, in a Judeo-Christian context, is keeping the Holy Spirit with you in every moment, even though one walks through the valley of the shadow of death, which is this evil and corrupt world, where mystics, like you, are commonly marginalized and even martyred by the devout of every religion.
English Standard Version
1 A Psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
What does not work, in my opinion, is to beat myself up. Self-judgement is just as bad as self-justification -- they both are strategies that the ego employs to keep itself at the center of everything. I've had to work hard on the self-judgement thing, since part of my historical self-identity is that I am a "good man" who cares about people and is in a position to help -- but what kind of "good man" blows up at his loved ones, says unfortunate things and is actually cruel at times? I try to give myself some slack, reminding myself that this was never going to be easy, that it's what I invoked at some point -- I have to believe that this path of identity-dissolution is not only necessary, but ultimately beneficial for all beings. It's all very humbling.
I have been closely observing myself, especially when i lose my temper working on one of the wrecks that I have been sweating bullets on to keep running. I can keep my patience for days, weeks, and even months at a time, but then, for example, after recently spending 2 months to replace just 2 radiator hoses on the military vehicle, which was clearly designed not to be serviced by the greedy manufacturer who wanted to sell more over-priced vehicles to the military, I finally lost my temper, and scream like a maniac. I got the job though that day. But, why the anger?
Well, my critics will just say, "that is proof Jhananda is a fraud."
My explanation for my emotional response to an impossible situation goes to having to accept that we are all spirit beings residing in a beast. Through leading a disciplined contemplative life we slowly train that beast, and bring it under control, and as we saturate ourselves in the charisms, we identify more and more with the spirit being, who is our "true-self." However, if we beat the beast, or abuse it, or over-work it, too much, then it rebels. So, I am now carefully walking a fine line between working the beast hard, but not too hard. However, sometimes, to get the job done, I just have to beat it, and beat it, until the job gets done. Perhaps that will help some of you.
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Michael,
Excellent well articulated writing. I'd like to ask a question though, do you think you'd percieve the stripping of your self identity so painfully if you were able to be supported more comfortable in vocation that was congruent to your gifts as a mystic? Personally i feel much of what you feel, but the frustration and ever slipperly slope of who i am and what i do seems to be precipitated more by a complete inability on my part to find a vocation that is even remotely close to my notion of right livilihood. So i am curious if you are experiencing similar?
Jhanananda,
Your observations between homeless being faithful is an interesting one, be interesting to know if indeed sincere faith in the values of christianity correlates with higher probablility of homelessness in this country. I'd suspect sadly that it does. Also I fully agree that we are a spirit being in the vehicle of animal ape. The operating rules IMO between spirit and flesh don't quite work the same, at least not yet. Jesus and the Buddha probably would have sworn too if they had to change the alternator on cheap japanese car. I tend to find myself in very similar car salvaging situations as you and also many odd arduous physical jobs. This is because i opted out of the formal career trajectory for a variety of ethical livelihood reasons and now find obtaining livilihood is stringing together part time hard and odd physical jobs (such as resensoring a 500ft tall tower today), to roofing, shoveling ect and mcgyevering my $700 vehicle to continue to run on improvised parts. In any case i feel no shame in admitting i move from being in equanimity and bliss to being focused and aggressive and maybe even a touch angry to get a difficult knuckle cutting job done. I also don't think it bad to get in touch with those more animalistic natures of healthy aggressive outlets, in fact while i live in a body in this world i find brief periods of very intense aggressive excercise to stimulate my health and help me better negotiate the difficult trials of this world.
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I am glad someone mentioned disassociation, I have been looking at that and since I am trying to let go all the time I have been getting stuck and I think the feeling is disassociation.
When I think about it I can switch to getting my identity from being but find that I have to do that all the time or I drift back.
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Michael,
Excellent well articulated writing. I'd like to ask a question though, do you think you'd percieve the stripping of your self identity so painfully if you were able to be supported more comfortable in vocation that was congruent to your gifts as a mystic? Personally i feel much of what you feel, but the frustration and ever slipperly slope of who i am and what i do seems to be precipitated more by a complete inability on my part to find a vocation that is even remotely close to my notion of right livilihood. So i am curious if you are experiencing similar?
Good question, roamer. I expect most of us would find development as a mystic a lot more positive an experience if we lived in a culture that valued our internal journey. This is why I keep urging the mystic of today to form their own community (sangha), because no one is going to help us, but ourselves.
Jhanananda,
Your observations between homeless being faithful is an interesting one, be interesting to know if indeed sincere faith in the values of christianity correlates with higher probablility of homelessness in this country. I'd suspect sadly that it does.
Well, most of the homeless I ever run into are self-medicating battle scarred veterans, but many of them are also devout Christians. Aside from the war-wounded, I believe what propels most of the, otherwise just devout Christian, into failure is their belief in a benevolent creator god who bestows material benefits upon his "righteous," which is in their belief system is just believing a bunch of nonsense that was sold to them by a bunch of pedophiles 1700 years ago for job security; and Christianity has done nothing to correct the deep flaws in their belief system since then. The devout Christians who end up on the street just conclude that they are not "righteous enough" to be rescued by god.
Also I fully agree that we are a spirit being in the vehicle of animal ape. The operating rules IMO between spirit and flesh don't quite work the same, at least not yet. Jesus and the Buddha probably would have sworn too if they had to change the alternator on cheap japanese car.
Thanks, I expect you are right. I keep thinking that going forth with a patched sheet wrap around me is all I need, but in this culture that would be the fast track to jail, which would not be conducive to a contemplative life.
I tend to find myself in very similar car salvaging situations as you and also many odd arduous physical jobs. This is because i opted out of the formal career trajectory for a variety of ethical livelihood reasons and now find obtaining livilihood is stringing together part time hard and odd physical jobs (such as resensoring a 500ft tall tower today), to roofing, shoveling ect and mcgyevering my $700 vehicle to continue to run on improvised parts.
Sorry to hear that, but as we are all finding, this is the lifestyle that any dedicated contemplative is going to find in this culture.
In any case i feel no shame in admitting i move from being in equanimity and bliss to being focused and aggressive and maybe even a touch angry to get a difficult knuckle cutting job done. I also don't think it bad to get in touch with those more animalistic natures of healthy aggressive outlets, in fact while i live in a body in this world i find brief periods of very intense aggressive excercise to stimulate my health and help me better negotiate the difficult trials of this world.
Well, use the best as best you can for now, because everything wears out, even the beast. I wore mine out, and now it is at the point that I have to take it easy on it, if I am going to get a few more miles and years out of it.
I am glad someone mentioned disassociation, I have been looking at that and since I am trying to let go all the time I have been getting stuck and I think the feeling is disassociation.
When I think about it I can switch to getting my identity from being but find that I have to do that all the time or I drift back.
Good to hear from you, Valdy. The religious experience is essentially non-dual, so a psychiatrist would interpret our descriptions here as dissociative.
In psychology, the term dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality – rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.[1][2][3][4] Dissociative experiences are further characterized by the varied maladaptive mental constructions of an individual's natural imaginative capacity.[citation needed]
Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum.[5] In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanisms in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict.[6][7][8] At the nonpathological end of the continuum, dissociation describes common events such as daydreaming while driving a vehicle. Further along the continuum are non-pathological altered states of consciousness.[5][9][10]
More pathological dissociation involves dissociative disorders, including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal (depersonalization and derealization); a loss of memory (amnesia); forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue); and fragmentation of identity or self into separate streams of consciousness (dissociative identity disorder, formerly termed multiple personality disorder) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder.[11][12]
Dissociative disorders are sometimes triggered by trauma, but may be preceded only by stress, psychoactive substances, or no identifiable trigger at all.[13] The ICD-10 classifies conversion disorder as a dissociative disorder.[5] The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders groups all dissociative disorders into a single category.[14]
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Hello roamer,
I'd like to ask a question though, do you think you'd percieve the stripping of your self identity so painfully if you were able to be supported more comfortable in vocation that was congruent to your gifts as a mystic?
Thanks for your kind words and question.
I think that being supported in a vocation that is congruent with my gifts as a mystic would be wonderful. As you know, I've spent the past 20+ years taking multiple stabs at putting myself out there as an astrologer and Tarot reader -- which are, of course, windows through which a discussion of the "deeper things" may be accessed. I do thrive in the "alchemical crucible," as my teacher Charles Bebeau used to call it -- the place of intimacy between two human beings searching for truth and meaning, insights into why things are the way they are. Getting paid for that is something that I've always felt conflicted about -- which is why, I imagine, I've never been able to go fully professional.
Since members of this board have gone "off the reservation" in terms of connecting with mainline spiritual traditions and religions, there is no comfortable landing place in terms of being spiritual teachers -- again, we would need to have a base desire to succeed in a business-sense -- something that I've struggled with all my life. I've lived my entire adult life, in fact, in a state of financial precariousness. I've learned to live with uncertainty and insecurity, but I recognize that there are emotional challenges to this lifestyle that get in the way of pure tranquillity and equanimity. In a way, this is perfect for the process of self-identity dissolution -- I couldn't ask for a better environment to challenge my self concepts. I would be lying, however, if I said I didn't ruminate from time to time what it would be like to have financial security.
Like Jeffrey, I feel bittersweetness when I look toward my final years. It would be so wonderful to watch the sun set from within a retreat or monastic scenario, devoid of the stresses associated with survival in this dog-eat-dog world -- and, who knows? Perhaps it will happen....
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Karen and I have been struggling mightily to "get organized." When we work, we are consumed with it -- and my beast quickly becomes irritable and angry, resentful because it knows the value of solitude and contemplative practice, but is forced to engage economic challenges in WAY too intense a manner. I meditate frequently, I read spiritual books and I commune with the Spirit -- business fades into the background. So, we beat the beast back into work mode, and we hope to find respite at some point along the way....
Like Jeffrey, I feel bittersweetness when I look toward my final years. It would be so wonderful to watch the sun set from within a retreat or monastic scenario, devoid of the stresses associated with survival in this dog-eat-dog world -- and, who knows? Perhaps it will happen....
Hello, Michael, good to read more from you. I had hoped that when you two started selling lots near Ft Garland, that the community of mystics who resonate with the GWV, would buy lots from you, and cooperatively build a retreat center there for fellow mystics; but, sadly, that has not happened. So, my "retreat center" is one of my vehicles parked in a national forest for the camping limit, where those who wish to join me on retreat are welcome.
It looks like that is going to be it. I choose not to think about what happens when I get too old and feeble. If it all goes well, then this beast will gracefully just stop living one day.
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Word.
I'm sorry work is filling your days with irritation, Michael. I understand. Or, at least, I really despise work. I long for time in the south, in the warmer clients, in the forest, among you all who I consider to be the greatest of friends I have. I have plenty other friends, but it is this lot which I resonate most with, and I wonder if we haven't known each other many times before in past lives.
I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with talking about it. I just want to find a way to make it work so that at least some of us can form a little community of mystics to caravan or build a center.
I know, at the very least, that if I can get Social Security payments coming in, then I will have the freedom to at least go throw Jhananda in his van and we can hit the national forest. Or something! I've not once had the pleasure of outdoor retreat, and I long for it.
I really hope to see more of you and Karen on here, Michael. You two are an interest of mine, because I know OF you, but I don't really know you.
You know, I am really starting to be tempted to just find out where all the active or long-standing members of the GWV live. Then one-by-one, visit their homes like a Mormon looking to recruit you all. Listen to your ideas, and try to inspire a way to make this all work.
Please forgive the idealistic nature of us youngin's. Best wishes.
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Word.
I'm sorry work is filling your days with irritation, Michael. I understand. Or, at least, I really despise work. I long for time in the south, in the warmer clients, in the forest, among you all who I consider to be the greatest of friends I have. I have plenty other friends, but it is this lot which I resonate most with, and I wonder if we haven't known each other many times before in past lives.
I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with talking about it. I just want to find a way to make it work so that at least some of us can form a little community of mystics to caravan or build a center.
I know, at the very least, that if I can get Social Security payments coming in, then I will have the freedom to at least go throw Jhananda in his van and we can hit the national forest. Or something! I've not once had the pleasure of outdoor retreat, and I long for it.
I really hope to see more of you and Karen on here, Michael. You two are an interest of mine, because I know OF you, but I don't really know you.
You know, I am really starting to be tempted to just find out where all the active or long-standing members of the GWV live. Then one-by-one, visit their homes like a Mormon looking to recruit you all. Listen to your ideas, and try to inspire a way to make this all work.
Please forgive the idealistic nature of us youngin's. Best wishes.
It all sounds good to me. The GWV retreats tend to be during the summer, so perhaps you can join us this summer on retreat in the wilderness.
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As long as I can transport myself there, I suspect I will be there.
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Here's a new post that talks about the trade-off between giving rise to bliss, joy and ecstasy (and being saturated in such), and the true fact that jhana/samadhi is NOT A TOY; it brings death and destruction, it gives rise to the darkest aspects of our being, it does not allow us to "take a pass."
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2015/11/28/trade-off/
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There’s a lot of that going on, for sure… but I can report from the depths of the Dark Night that there is no “getting back to the sublime states hinted at during the spiritual high.” There is only one defeat after another, requiring one surrender after another, over and over as I learn how to relinquish my ego’s hold on how I think things should be. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the slow, gruelling death of a self-identity that must be completely blotted out in order for new life to begin. This is what I bargained for, this is what I get.
From both personal experience and encouragement from past and present mystics, I gather that there’s no point in rushing things, and the only sensible choice is to let go, surrender, release, relinquish… and know that I was never in charge to begin with.
I feel you on this, Michael your words ring so true. I think what works best for me here is the realization that self-identity has been the delusion all along. That the difference between now, and then, is that now I know that is was a delusion. There was no fight, no challenge then, there could not be. What is probably most painful is that in order to be cohesive with those around us, one must mimic and resonate with "normal" reasoning in order to be accepted. This "acceptance' is in the deepest regions of ones psyche and has been the ugliest of all to be drug up from the pits of shit that reside there. I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist. To my identity, this is the worst possible outcome, and that is why it must go. Why? I do not know...you're right in there was never a choice, and down the rabbits hole we go.
But be here with us Michael, I feel your pain, as I'm sure you have felt mine. Just be here, brother.
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Thank you, Cal. It definitely helps to know that I'm not the only one, and that this is all leading somewhere.
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Great post, Michael, as everything I've read from you is; not only sharing your knowledge from direct experience, but relating it in a way which is extremely well-written and humane. Reading your post made me think of this quote from Teresa of Avila, which has the powerful image of Christ as the Crucified One, communicating the heroic traits that are needed by the mystic.
6. Perhaps He will answer as He did to some one who was kneeling before a crucifix in
great affliction on this account, for she felt she had never had anything to offer God nor to
sacrifice for His sake. The Crucified One consoled her by saying that He gave her for herself
all the pains and labours He had borne in His passion, that she might offer them as her own
to His Father. I learnt from her that she at once felt comforted and enriched by these
words which she never forgets but recalls whenever she realizes her own wretchedness and
feels encouraged and consoled.
7. I think this example is very instructive; it shows that we please our Lord by self-knowledge,
by the constant recollection of our poverty and miseries, and by realizing that
we possess nothing but what we have received from Him. Therefore courage is needed,
sisters, in order to receive this and many other favours which come to a soul elevated to this
state by our Lord; I think that if the soul is humble it requires more valour than ever for this
last mercy. May God grant us humility for His Name’s sake.
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Another excellent essay from you, Michael. Congratulations you are making excellent progress, although I am sure you did not expect to be a raw sore the rest of your life, when you stumbled upon the charisms 20 years ago.
I found part of the problem for me was realizing that we are all in a sea of emotion, which may not be ours, which we might be responding to. So, developing a great deal of equanimity allows us to step back from powerful emotions to see that we might just be reacting to the emotional baggage of someone near by, or the herd in general.
Another aspect of the anger and frustration that I have experienced is we are all trained from a very early age, and up through the present, that god/higher power will be pleased with us, when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle, which is evidenced by the arising of the chairsms; and, there is also an expectation that our problems in life will be resolved for us; however, we find there is no sugar daddy in the sky who is going to make all of our problems go away. Life is just miserable (dhukkha), and it does not get better, even when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle.
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Alexander wrote:
7. I think this example is very instructive; it shows that we please our Lord by self-knowledge,
by the constant recollection of our poverty and miseries, and by realizing that
we possess nothing but what we have received from Him. Therefore courage is needed,
sisters, in order to receive this and many other favours which come to a soul elevated to this
state
Thank you for the kind words, brother -- and for the Teresa of Avila quote, which I really like -- hits the spot....
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Jeffrey wrote:
I found part of the problem for me was realizing that we are all in a sea of emotion, which may not be ours, which we might be responding to. So, developing a great deal of equanimity allows us to step back from powerful emotions to see that we might just be reacting to the emotional baggage of someone near by, or the herd in general.
Another aspect of the anger and frustration that I have experienced is we are all trained from a very early age, and up through the present, that god/higher power will be pleased with us, when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle, which is evidenced by the arising of the chairsms; and, there is also an expectation that our problems in life will be resolved for us; however, we find there is no sugar daddy in the sky who is going to make all of our problems go away. Life is just miserable (dhukkha), and it does not get better, even when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle.
Your points are extremely valid, and I've thought about both an awful lot during the past months away from this list (away from everything, really). Living in a sea of suffering, trained as a preacher's kid to exude spiritual grace and endless Christ-like behavior, finding that it just doesn't add up when I'm literally being torn to shreds from the inside-out -- it's been hell, and there never comes a moment of resolution. What's required, apparently, is acclimating to feeling everything with increasing intensity, living with the awareness that it never gets "better," knowing that this is actually what it takes as a contemplative in Dhukkha World....
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Cal wrote:
I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist.
I confess to feeling defeated on a very regular basis any more. If nothing else, I'm working on adjusting this belief/attitude by giving thanks for the good things whenever possible -- such as the availability of this community of mystics and contemplatives who have been around the block a time or two, and who are genuine enough to share with others. Thank you so much....
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What's required, apparently, is acclimating to feeling everything with increasing intensity, living with the awareness that it never gets "better," knowing that this is actually what it takes as a contemplative in Dhukkha World....
You got it brother. And, to compound our difficulties giving up all for liberation and enlightenment is, no one cares, but the few, who have stumbled upon the same bliss, joy and ecstasy that you, I, and many of those on this forum have.
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Cal wrote:
I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist.
I confess to feeling defeated on a very regular basis any more. If nothing else, I'm working on adjusting this belief/attitude by giving thanks for the good things whenever possible -- such as the availability of this community of mystics and contemplatives who have been around the block a time or two, and who are genuine enough to share with others. Thank you so much....
I should be thanking you. Although I have never had any sort of dialogue with you, I have learned a great deal from your journey. Its like Alexander said, you have a great way with words. I've spent many hours here reading, not only on this forum, but using the GWV resource. Your essays have always pointed to something I may have missed, or overlooked, and they have always provided a genuine perspective of one who is living the story being read. I could not be more appreciative of you and your work. Thank you.
Jeff has been pointing towards perspective a lot with me in our discussions. Admittedly, for the longest time I could not see Jhana as a refuge. My ego thinks itself tough, that there is no need for refuge, that anything this world can throw at me I have either already seen/felt/dealt with, or that anything left it could throw does not measure to what I have already experienced. If only I had known there was a depth of experience left to be faced. That there are terrors beyond what ever could be experienced here, on this plane. I have been defeated, many times, and it was through perspective that defeat was accepted. But that very same defeat could be victory, from another point of view. So, like you, I also see Jhana as a doubled edge sword.
I've become quite cynical as of late. Everything is a test, all the pain and suffering this world has to offer; its necessary. It's the only way to liberation, for if we cannot suffer, there is no contrast provided, and we do not know what it is to not suffer. There is refuge, there is the divine, and it is there for us when we must escape the overbearing, selfish, and delusional world that all of us currently reside in. I have not succeeded fully in changing my own perspective, but I do know that Jeff is right in his words, and that laboring in this regard is worthwhile.
I think that I am most thankful for the contemplatives. This world, it's so "face-value" and without depth. There are so many people that live their lives drifting through and never take the opportunity to examine, to question, to seek what must be real. To live life as an observer, to me is the most genuine. It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast. I am a firm believer that we here walk this path, because we can. That, to me, is victory.
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Thanks for this conversation, Cal. I feel remiss in not being here (at the forum) over the past months, and that I've never really integrated myself fully into the community. The issues that we've been discussing here in this thread (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being) have impacted me in ways that I was not prepared for. The blow to my self-sense has been immense. I used to host a dedicated meditation group, I used to write frequently on my contemplative blogs, I used to "put myself out there" as a teacher and healer -- but for the past five years or so, all of that has crumbled to dust. Death wants to happen, and if we know nothing else, we know that the Reaper will not be denied.
As you wrote:
It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast.
I always wanted the "Full Monty" in terms of a spiritual path -- something that not only leads to direct experience, but that opens me to the guidance of that experience no matter where it takes me. That I (and many of the contemplatives here) am having to engage such deep, destructive and painful darkness is something I can accept... so long as I'm able to continue on the path, so long as I'm able to surrender as fully as possible, so long as I'm willing to confront the Death-before-death that has (and is) upon me.
This is not a path for the feint of heart....
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Thanks for this conversation, Cal. I feel remiss in not being here (at the forum) over the past months, and that I've never really integrated myself fully into the community. The issues that we've been discussing here in this thread (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being) have impacted me in ways that I was not prepared for. The blow to my self-sense has been immense. I used to host a dedicated meditation group, I used to write frequently on my contemplative blogs, I used to "put myself out there" as a teacher and healer -- but for the past five years or so, all of that has crumbled to dust. Death wants to happen, and if we know nothing else, we know that the Reaper will not be denied.
Well put, the reaper will not be denied. Death is inevitable. With this in the forefront of our minds we can then use this as a basis for spiritual growth. I think without this realization, there can be no progress. It's the delusion I was speaking of, the one of the masses. They do not realize this, or they take the stance that "I've only got this one life" so I had better make the most of a worldly existence. It's crazy! We all will die, someday, sometime, somewhere. Death is the only permanence. So why not question this reality? Why assimilate to a "hive mentality" and relish the suffering! At the very least, why not recognize that it is indeed suffering? Thank you for this reminder. Lately I have been attempting to negotiate a more worldly lifestyle and these thoughts help with taking the healthiest perspective.
I'd very much like a link to (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being), I do not believe I have read this, and would very much like to.
As you wrote:
It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast.
I always wanted the "Full Monty" in terms of a spiritual path -- something that not only leads to direct experience, but that opens me to the guidance of that experience no matter where it takes me. That I (and many of the contemplatives here) am having to engage such deep, destructive and painful darkness is something I can accept... so long as I'm able to continue on the path, so long as I'm able to surrender as fully as possible, so long as I'm willing to confront the Death-before-death that has (and is) upon me.
This is not a path for the feint of heart....
I did not want anything. I stumbled upon the charisms seemingly randomly. It's interesting that when the words of truth were in front of me, they resonated with me. I had to explore what it was a member of this group was talking about. It was true, it was real, although I did not know why. This path chose me, is what I thought. I have since then learned the lifestyle that is required of a mystic. The Noble Eightfold Path, and its culmination, was coincidentally the way I was living, all seemingly without having any knowledge of it at all. I've always been a deep thinker, mostly, I thought was due to deaths of family members when I was young. Of course, this goes much further into the depths of dependent origination, and that it is not likely that I coincidentally was living this life, but more likely that I had lived this life many times before. That these experiences were that of remembering what I had forgotten. This continues to reveal itself much more vividly as I delve deeper into submission. Which leads me to question if in fact this path did choose me, or if it was in fact a choice that I made lifetimes ago.
So no, this path is NOT for the feint of heart. Who would think themselves capable of experiencing death, without first experiencing death, and then living to re-experience that death. Yet, with all of this said, it now stands true that I seek precisely what you wrote above...hmm I wonder if you might share some of your direct experience with us. I've had crazy, vivid, life-like to the point of every detail, that a dream is lived in the way that I live right now, except that I am killed by a band of madmen, or that I have fallen from a cliff and drowned. Have you also experienced these things, Michael?
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Thanks for all this. It's all hitting on a lot of what I have been thinking about and feeling lately.
I've found that most of it is so incredibly non-verbal, and it takes so much energy and concentration to "step-down" experience into relatable words -- since communication is only worth anything if someone else gets something out of it -- that the tendency is often towards silence. But the seemingly never-ending yearning for connection and expression cycles up, or a feeling of duty and desire for helpfulness, and a powerful need to say something mixes with the complexity and intangibility of the thing wished to convey, then that whole roiling bundle of internality comes up on the delicacy that politeness dictates, and the whole thing is usually better just dropped.
The level of feeling involved with this work is kind of bewildering, because how can any one person contain so much of it? Where is this all coming from? It seems so futile and pointless, and yet the endless endless waves of emotion and sensation keep coming, keep stacking up. I've really lived a boring life; it seems like the weight of what we're being asked to process is something far beyond our own internal make-up.
The extra layer of madness is trying to do this while dealing with the world of jobs, commerce, rents, taxes, social structures and obligations, people laying claim to "ownership" of just about everything, etc... all the incidentals that tie us to this insane world, the systems that are all increasingly mangled and skewed away from a lifestyle that promotes any kind of peace. Living in a world diametrically opposed to the bulk of your experience, being housed in a vessel thick with emotion and self-recriminating thought processes, barely having enjoyable activities to pursue -- it's maddening! And yet somehow within all this I feel the need to not take it all so seriously. That may be the battle itself: knowing there exists a lightness, while trudging along dragging the anchors of darkness and exasperation.
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I've found that most of it is so incredibly non-verbal, and it takes so much energy and concentration to "step-down" experience into relatable words -- since communication is only worth anything if someone else gets something out of it -- that the tendency is often towards silence. But the seemingly never-ending yearning for connection and expression cycles up, or a feeling of duty and desire for helpfulness, and a powerful need to say something mixes with the complexity and intangibility of the thing wished to convey, then that whole roiling bundle of internality comes up on the delicacy that politeness dictates, and the whole thing is usually better just dropped.
Right? Agreed. With me, it never really comes out right. Many times have I spent an hour or more writing something only to re-read it, highlight it, and decide if i should just delete it. The main reason that I do not is that every word that I had previously written, because of the effort and contemplation put into manifesting it, is an expression of my true self. In this is created a point of observation, a clearer point. I have thought to only do this in a journal, but there are others here, and they might just benefit. Plus, engaging each other, developing comparison, reinforcing actuality, simply having a comfort that I am not completely crazy because there are others who share similar experiences. The worst anyone here can say is "no". I have these feeling that you just expressed every time I hover over the "post" button. Especially when it comes to the intimate religious experiences that are sometimes shared here.
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This is not a path for the feint of heart....
Yes, indeed. In your honest dialog here I have been reminded that the kundalini movement tends to do everything they can to turn off the charisms, because they clearly have no idea what to do with them, and the intuition that comes with the open wound of sensitivity that we here are developing. I found once one turns on the kundalini, there is no turning it off. There is no going back. We must just annihilate our self in the charisms, because it is the only way through it.
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Micheal, I believe you're in the those wonderful Youtube videos?
If so, thanks for the excellent input. I have really learned a great deal from both your speech in the videos as well as what you have written here.
In fact, you were one of the people (via the videos) who convinced me that I should meditate with Jeffrey pronto.
I always wanted the "Full Monty" in terms of a spiritual path -- something that not only leads to direct experience, but that opens me to the guidance of that experience no matter where it takes me. That I (and many of the contemplatives here) am having to engage such deep, destructive and painful darkness is something I can accept... so long as I'm able to continue on the path, so long as I'm able to surrender as fully as possible, so long as I'm willing to confront the Death-before-death that has (and is) upon me.
This is not a path for the feint of heart....
I was a bit confused by this. On one hand, deep meditation seems like peaches n' cream. On the other hand, there's this dark side. I know there's a Dark Night of the Soul. Is this what you speak of? I thought the Dark Night was a stage then there was something better.
But after this, and other posts, I was a bit confused on this.
I'd appreciate any more illumination of the negative aspects of meditation.
This won't discourage me because I can't think of anywhere else to go. The life of pleasure and mindlessness seems to be closed off to me now. Meditation is my greatest refuge.
Much gratitude.
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It is a two-edged sword follinge. With one edge of the sword we penetrate through our delusions, drop our addictions and neuroses, and are free, free, free.
However, when we become enlightened we realize that the herd is deeply delusional. When the herd does not have a person's full participation in the collective delusion, then the herd turns against the one who sees through the delusion. So, the herd marginalizes the enlightened one.
With the other edge of the sword we are thus intimately aware of the collective delusion around us. The problem with those who are driven mad by the awareness of the collective delusion is, they never develop the necessary equanimity to handle seeing through the collective delusion.
This is why I emphasis the significance of mastering the 4 levels of deep meditation, known in Buddhism as the four jhanas. Without mastering the fourth jhana, one is still subject to deep darkness.
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Hello Follinge,
Thanks for your kind words.
You wrote:
I was a bit confused by this. On one hand, deep meditation seems like peaches n' cream. On the other hand, there's this dark side. I know there's a Dark Night of the Soul. Is this what you speak of? I thought the Dark Night was a stage then there was something better.
In 2009 I wrote an essay on the Dark Night (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/dark-night-of-the-soul/), from which I quote in my latest post (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2015/11/28/trade-off/).
My understanding is that the Dark Night is over if and when its work on the full contents of our unexamined Shadow material is complete -- and not a moment earlier. As Jeffrey mentions, mastering the 3rd and 4th material jhanas is the key -- but even when visiting these levels of absorption on a regular basis, we are not guaranteed a quick emergence from the Dark Night. We are asked to immerse ourselves in whatever is present, see the experience as an infallible Guide, and trust that the process with resolve in due time. The idea that frequent deep meditation (that leads to bliss, joy and ecstasy) is the most skillful way through.
The benefit is that, when we are steeped in 3rd and 4th jhana, our drama-based problems are at least temporarily put on hold....
Blessings to you,
Michael
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Zack wrote:
Living in a world diametrically opposed to the bulk of your experience, being housed in a vessel thick with emotion and self-recriminating thought processes, barely having enjoyable activities to pursue -- it's maddening! And yet somehow within all this I feel the need to not take it all so seriously. That may be the battle itself: knowing there exists a lightness, while trudging along dragging the anchors of darkness and exasperation.
I realize I never acknowledged your comment, Zack -- apologies for that.
And thank you for contributing to the conversation. Your observations from personal experience resonate with mine. There is this profound gift that we've received -- meditative absorption and all that it unfolds -- that is (as Jeffrey says) a two-edged sword. The sword carves out a place in our life through which we become saturated in bliss, joy and ecstasy. It also relentlessly, ruthlessly and honestly chops away at all the barriers (fetters) blocking our path to full Freedom. We have all these ideas about how things are supposed to be, along with vague notions of where we "should" be headed with all this -- but it's all garbage, every last scrap of it. Until we are totally and completely GUTTED, we will continue to experience suffering like we never anticipated for our lives.
The principle I've been working with lately is based on the imperative to surrender. Every time another aspect of my Shadow arises, I endeavor to surrender to its message -- which is ultimately emerging from the same Source as jhana/samadhi, yes? Getting to a place where I don't take my own ego-identity so seriously is very helpful -- which is what happens when I spend a lot of time in the 3rd and 4th material jhanas....
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My understanding is that the Dark Night is over if and when its work on the full contents of our unexamined Shadow material is complete -- and not a moment earlier. As Jeffrey mentions, mastering the 3rd and 4th material jhanas is the key -- but even when visiting these levels of absorption on a regular basis, we are not guaranteed a quick emergence from the Dark Night. We are asked to immerse ourselves in whatever is present, see the experience as an infallible Guide, and trust that the process with resolve in due time. The idea that frequent deep meditation (that leads to bliss, joy and ecstasy) is the most skillful way through.
The benefit is that, when we are steeped in 3rd and 4th jhana, our drama-based problems are at least temporarily put on hold....
...There is this profound gift that we've received -- meditative absorption and all that it unfolds -- that is (as Jeffrey says) a two-edged sword. The sword carves out a place in our life through which we become saturated in bliss, joy and ecstasy. It also relentlessly, ruthlessly and honestly chops away at all the barriers (fetters) blocking our path to full Freedom. We have all these ideas about how things are supposed to be, along with vague notions of where we "should" be headed with all this -- but it's all garbage, every last scrap of it. Until we are totally and completely GUTTED, we will continue to experience suffering like we never anticipated for our lives.
The principle I've been working with lately is based on the imperative to surrender. Every time another aspect of my Shadow arises, I endeavor to surrender to its message -- which is ultimately emerging from the same Source as jhana/samadhi, yes? Getting to a place where I don't take my own ego-identity so seriously is very helpful -- which is what happens when I spend a lot of time in the 3rd and 4th material jhanas....
Precisely, and well stated.
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Thanks.
Along the way it is a lonely path. Sometimes it's a feeling of profound alienation, but more often just a subtle disconnect, with others never quite 'hearing' you. It's the subtle disconnect that provokes the most resignation.
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Yes, the path of the mystic is a solo path. As we can see from history you are not likely to ever be valued for your effort and successes. So, we keep it interior, because the experience of the mystic is interior. A secret joy.
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Once you leave the Reservation, there's no going back.
When I was 13 years old, I told my father, "Dad, I'll never be able to live within the System." He laughed and said, "Hope you don't mind being poor!" But the thing is, I already knew that I'd never be able to derive peace and harmony from the status quo -- that nothing short of direct experience of the Divine would ever give the slightest solace in this world of alienation. And even there, as Jeffrey says, our joy is an interior one, shared only with the very few who even begin to understand....
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Once you leave the Reservation, there's no going back.
Yes, we are no longer in Kansas any more.
When I was 13 years old, I told my father, "Dad, I'll never be able to live within the System." He laughed and said, "Hope you don't mind being poor!" But the thing is, I already knew that I'd never be able to derive peace and harmony from the status quo -- that nothing short of direct experience of the Divine would ever give the slightest solace in this world of alienation. And even there, as Jeffrey says, our joy is an interior one, shared only with the very few who even begin to understand....
Yes, all too true. It is a secret pleasure that eradicates our addictions. Sadly, when we attempt to share this with a herd member who expresses suffering and a desire to overcome suffering, then think we are nuts. Oh well. I smile, shake my head and walk away.
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Hello contemplative friends,
It's been a spell.
I left my marriage on April 8, 2022, so it's been one year and eight months that I've been acclimating to living on my own. By far the longest period of daily sovereignty this lifetime; my previous record was nine months.
I focused on trauma resolution, physical crises, taking personal responsibility, anxiety/PTSD-management, diet and finances until maybe a couple months ago. Gradually, however, I'm finding my own natural rhythms again, migrating into patterns and cycles that are not influenced by relationship dynamics.
For instance, I read somewhere on this forum that someone uses the Obsidian app for recording and working with dreams. Since I am a Linux enthusiast, I found the app in my distribution's repository, installed it, watched a few tutorials, and have been regular about writing down my dreams first thing in the morning. This has been going on for close to a year now.
Awareness of our dreams puts us in touch with the unconscious, which (I believe) is the mysterious realm from which we derive our mystical experiences. Something about linking up with the unconscious has led me into a daily oxygen therapy protocol; a mono diet customized for my body's unique needs; abstinence from recreational drugs, alcohol and (of course) all pharmaceutical products; an increasing compulsion to read contemplative texts - i.e., the Suttas, mainly, but also biographies and writings of mystics, the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the Bible, etc.
And, in a natural way without responding to any shoulds or shouldn'ts... I started meditating again. Not just dabbling my feet in the water, but an hour+ whenever it strikes me to sit. I have been drawn into a retreat lifestyle without even trying, which is how I'd hoped things would unfold. For a while now I've listened to the inner longing, and it's to the point where the contemplative life has settled in for the long haul.
And yes, it's like riding a bicycle. You never forget how to do it, and it doesn't take long to resume the experience as if it never paused. I know right where I am in the material jhanas, I know just how to comport my body when various pains and pleasures arise, I can sense when a shift is about to occur, and my being hungers for the chance to surrender as the rocket boosters fire.
My intention is to use this space (Michael's Blog) to report insights as they occur to me, hoping to engage others who may have similar experiences in their interior castles.
Blessings to you all.
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It is a two-edged sword follinge. With one edge of the sword we penetrate through our delusions, drop our addictions and neuroses, and are free, free, free.
However, when we become enlightened we realize that the herd is deeply delusional. When the herd does not have a person's full participation in the collective delusion, then the herd turns against the one who sees through the delusion. So, the herd marginalizes the enlightened one.
With the other edge of the sword we are thus intimately aware of the collective delusion around us. The problem with those who are driven mad by the awareness of the collective delusion is, they never develop the necessary equanimity to handle seeing through the collective delusion.
This is why I emphasis the significance of mastering the 4 levels of deep meditation, known in Buddhism as the four jhanas. Without mastering the fourth jhana, one is still subject to deep darkness.
It's been a long long while since I've checked in here. Its a blessing to find Michael and Jhananda sharing their hard earned insight. Just wanted to share how deeply resonant I find Jhanananda's quote here. About 15 years ago I started accessing 3rd and 4th Jhanas. Some years later I'd worked through enough shadow material that I eased up on practice got married started a farm retreat project and had a kid. Now access to those states are challenged and I find it all too easy to lose equanimity and fall out of charisms and inner peace. It is all too clear to me that skillfully stabilizing 3rd and 4th jhanas is a must for any seeking fruits of the contemplative life.
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It is so nice to hear again from both Michael and Roamer, and to gain from their insights. Life certainly has a way of heaping up the obstacles to deep meditation, so it is nice to find some insights posted from our friends here who have decades of maturity in their contemplative life to inspire us.
I have stumbled upon some linguistic and archaeological insights that I have been doing more in depth research on and I have been planning some posts on these subjects, but the material world has heaped up some obstacles for me to deal with as well. So, perhaps we all will find a second wind to come our way to push through those obstacles and make some contributions. I am looking forward to is for sure.
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Feels like old times to get responses from roamer and Jhanananda. Roamer, it's interesting that you chose today to visit the forum, as I've not contributed in several months. I appreciate you sharing a glimpse of your home life during the past 15 years, which helps me to know that I'm not alone on my domestic journey. It's been a rocky road, but it seems to be smoothing out, knock on wood. In my return to frequent meditation, the longing for equanimity and peace through navigating and transcending pain and pleasure, and just resting in the fullness of the Present in complete abandonment of the cruelties of the world - I can validate and appreciate your insight around the need to stabilize in the 3rd and 4th jhanas. This type of statement is exactly why I decided to resurrect this blog - I'd missed our very basic, simple and true discussions around the importance of a dedicated contemplative life and all that it entails. It's so good to spend time with you again.
Jhanananda, I look forward to your linguistic and archaeological discoveries and insights, and to everything else that you continue to contribute. You are always present in my meditations and my dreams, as you are the most important influence on my current lifetime. The form that your influence takes often occurs when I realize that I "left the reservation" long ago, but my ability to just admit that this is who I am (someone who doesn't care about money, status, material possessions or any other transient aspect of existence) has been hit and miss since we met some 25 years ago. I feel as though I'm accepting it more fully now, and am so happy that this forum still exists. The community that I've neglected turns out to be what I need most.
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Jhanananda, I look forward to your linguistic and archaeological discoveries and insights, and to everything else that you continue to contribute. You are always present in my meditations and my dreams, as you are the most important influence on my current lifetime. The form that your influence takes often occurs when I realize that I "left the reservation" long ago, but my ability to just admit that this is who I am (someone who doesn't care about money, status, material possessions or any other transient aspect of existence) has been hit and miss since we met some 25 years ago. I feel as though I'm accepting it more fully now, and am so happy that this forum still exists. The community that I've neglected turns out to be what I need most.
For the mystic it is essential that we realize that the world of humans is driven by lies, so it is essential that we work through those lies, and much of the falsehood we have to shed is associated with materialism, which explains why most mystics we mendicants. So, we modern-day mystics really need to stick together and function as a community. So, I am encouraged by seeing how this community continues to come together in spite of the many difficulties that the world presents us.
I am currently preoccupied with rounding up my medical record and studying it to support a research paper that I have been working on for a few years to express my findings with respect to my recovery from COPD. However, I continue to have an autoimmune condition that makes me extremely allergic to air pollution, so I have to spend a great deal of time on a respirator, which is why I have overcome COPD.
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For the mystic it is essential that we realize that the world of humans is driven by lies, so it is essential that we work through those lies, and much of the falsehood we have to shed is associated with materialism, which explains why most mystics we mendicants. So, we modern-day mystics really need to stick together and function as a community. So, I am encouraged by seeing how this community continues to come together in spite of the many difficulties that the world presents us.
The world of humans truly is driven by lies. If I'm honest, a lot of what working through the lies means to me is discovering them within myself. My assumptions, beliefs and conclusions about what's really going on in the human world are constantly challenged, and the further down the rabbit hole I go, the more I realize that this truly is Hell. Evil (or sin) is that which leads to suffering, while virtue is that which leads to succor and healing. The mystic's quest is to transform suffering into bliss, joy and ecstasy, and to send it out into this broken world in the form of genuine love. The more I learn about the utter depravity and brokenness in the world, the more I realize how the world needs love if it's going to survive.
Meanwhile, this community is an island of support in a boiling ocean.
I am currently preoccupied with rounding up my medical record and studying it to support a research paper that I have been working on for a few years to express my findings with respect to my recovery from COPD. However, I continue to have an autoimmune condition that makes me extremely allergic to air pollution, so I have to spend a great deal of time on a respirator, which is why I have overcome COPD.
I haven't breathed so fully since childhood these past five months, since I started oxygen therapy. Truly a panacea, it wouldn't surprise me if it has an application to COPD. One of the operating principles is that, since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, humans have been breathing polluted air, which in turn has reduced the oxygen content of our blood to dangerously low levels. This, in turn, has hampered our natural immune responses to the point where the body's systems begin to malfunction. Oxygenating the blood reignites the immune system and balance is gradually restored. The list of benefits I've noticed, even in a short five months, is getting really long. I know how irritating it can be to have unsolicited advice flying at you after all the research and work you've done to find relief from your symptoms, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least put it out there. The book to read is called The One Minute Cure, by Madison Cavanaugh. I just looked it up and found that the Second Edition Kindle version is on sale for $1.79, which is ridiculously cheap for the life-saving information that it provides.
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Thank you, Michael, yes I agree with you, this is hell. A place where the soil, water and air is poisonous, and where war punctuates history, and were pedophiles dominate religious discourse and have had a 1700 year history of persecuting mystics is surely all of the evidence any rational person needs that this is in deed hell.
Thank you for the recommendation of oxygen therapy. Have COPD I have had a great deal of oxygen therapy, and a few years ago someone gave me an oxygen concentrator, so if my experience with oxygen therapy was better than my experience with my modified CPAP machine then I would have been on oxygen all this time. However, oxygen therapy in the ER takes 4-6 hours for me to recover from my many Afib events and extreme low O2 levels, but it only takes 5-30 minute for me to recover using my modified CPAP machine. It just took me a year of using it to gain sufficient confidence in the system to return to it when I need it instead of going to the ER. David also recommended it. But I know a lot of people with COPD who are on oxygen 24/7. They never get better, but gradually get worse and die. Whereas, I continue to improve in health. So, thanks, but oxygen therapy is just another delusional bandaide; whereas, removing the air pollution a sick person is breathing works great for me.
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So, thanks, but oxygen therapy is just another delusional bandaide; whereas, removing the air pollution a sick person is breathing works great for me.
Understood, no problem, I know that you get a lot of unsolicited suggestions and that you have tried everything under the Sun already.
Just to clarify: I'm now on a maintenance protocol consisting of 35% food grade hydrogen peroxide in water, three drops three times a day on an empty stomach. I'm aware of more exotic (and expensive) forms of oxygen therapy and have never tried any of them, but for me, increasing oxygen in my blood through this protocol has truly been a miracle of healing, a delusion I gladly buy into. I didn't really expect anything out of putting it out there, but decided I may as well. I'm happy that you have found something that works for you, I really am.
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Understood, no problem, I know that you get a lot of unsolicited suggestions and that you have tried everything under the Sun already.
I'm fine for us investigating health and fitness ideas here, but I have indeed invested most of my life into trying to manage my autoimmune condition. In fact it is one of the reasons why I took up a contemplative life and stuck to it, because doing so has helped a great deal.
Just to clarify: I'm now on a maintenance protocol consisting of 35% food grade hydrogen peroxide in water, three drops three times a day on an empty stomach. I'm aware of more exotic (and expensive) forms of oxygen therapy and have never tried any of them, but for me, increasing oxygen in my blood through this protocol has truly been a miracle of healing, a delusion I gladly buy into. I didn't really expect anything out of putting it out there, but decided I may as well. I'm happy that you have found something that works for you, I really am.
I have been hearing about hydrogen peroxide therapies for decades, and I have tried it, but didn't notice any improvement, but perhaps your method is the correct method, or it at least works for you.
What I wish I had done decades ago is to simply journal, or spread sheet, my vitals first thing every morning. Doing so we can have a data set we can go on to see if any changes in our lifestyle improve or diminish our health. I started this practice after I was diagnosed with diabetes, because my doctor recommended I test my blood sugar every morning. But, I have since added pulse rate, percent blood oxygen, blood pressure, temperature and weight. I have also added recording weather and air quality data, and I have found when air quality is not excellent I will see my vitals decline. I have also seen that my vitals decline as humidity drops below 50%. If you take up the practice, then do let us know how it works for you.
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I had an interesting texting interaction recently. A friend had experienced a significant kundalini rising in 2014. We decided to meditate together, although she lives in England, seven time zones away. Meditating together often leads me more easily/readily into deeper states of absorption, which was the case this time. She reported that the kundalini had "blasted" her - and then she spent the next several days dealing with various unwanted symptoms of kundalini overload. She basically sat in a dark room day and night until everything finally settled back down.
At some point she said that she doesn't feel right about formal sitting meditation, because she doesn't want to become attached to bliss states. Something we've all heard many times. It occurred to me that, once jhana activates (kundalini, chi, prana, whatever we want to call it), we have an obligation to be stewards of that energy. It's not something that can be stuffed back in the bottle. So I told her that I was aware of the "bliss bunny" phenomenon, but that what's really going on is finding a practice that supports this blessing, that respects it and gives it a proper home in our bodies. In a way it's about the bliss, but not from the perspective of bragging rights or personal accomplishment. It's about accepting that this has happened and adopting a life that aligns with it.
Of course, I walked away from this entire sentiment for a good while. It occurs to me that suffering increased because jhana was not given a proper home. This is the complicated part of the equation, because some relationships are more conducive to contemplative practice than others - just as no relationship provides the most freedom to build a life around contemplative practice.
I guess all I'm saying is, there is peace in fully accepting the presence of meditative absorption in our life. Once this acceptance has occurred, all the other priorities fall into line. It took me a long time to fully accept - had to deal with the Dark Night and all - but it does feel good to know peace again.
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It sounds to me like your are well on your way to figuring it all out. One of the things I have been working with for about 23 years is the sutta that describes Siddhartha's night of enlightenment in which he recalled a moment of bliss-filled meditating that he experienced as a child which launched him into the first jhana, then he progressed to greater depths from that point through the 4 jhanas, then he realized that he was enlightened. So, since then I have begun every meditation session with recalling a previous experience of depth. It works for me each time, and I am fine with being called a "bliss bunny" by people who have clearly never experienced the bliss, joy and ecstasy of deep meditation.
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So, since then I have begun every meditation session with recalling a previous experience of depth. It works for me each time.
I wonder if my process is similar. Having trained to first go to the breath and then the first pleasant arising, it got to the place where the pleasant arising is always here, for me in the pineal area. When I put my attention there, the pleasant sensation immediately expands and then starts cascading downward. Right away my lower extremities are engaged. At that point, especially early in the sit, it requires a good amount of surrendering so that the self-protective impulse to block the energy doesn't take over. There is a back-and-forth of increasing and decreasing intensity, like a bellows, until finally I surrender my way past all resistance and it's just a matter of riding the charisms.
Truth is, there are more "explosive" sessions than others, and now that I reflect on it (thank you Jeffrey), I really do recall those experiences. The sit with my English friend was one of those where my upper body swayed in circles and I could feel the serpent surging - and that memory is sort of the template. If subsequent sessions don't measure up to that one, it doesn't bother me because I know one will come along before too much time passes.
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It sounds like you have it, Michael, then just keep repeating the method for the rest of your life.
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I've been utilizing Jeffrey's tip on remembering previous experiences with bliss, joy and ecstasy, and it's been very helpful for bypassing some of the struggles to get to a stilled mind (second jhana). This morning after meditation I made a 16 minute video discussing my experience with this technique, adding an observation about what I'm calling "parking applied & sustained attention," which is a metaphor for when increased amplitude/intensity of absorption automatically stills the mind and I go into second jhana. For me, it's like parking a car in the garage - only in this case, the garage is like a pillow of bliss, joy and ecstasy, and the "thought box" just floats in suspended animation in there. Anyway, it's in the video if you'd like to check it out. I posted it on my old contemplative blog called Samma-Samadhi, which, I guess, is being revived.
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2023/12/28/parking-applied-amp-sustained-attention/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2023/12/28/parking-applied-amp-sustained-attention/)
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Thank you, Michael, you explained how recalling a previous experience of depth in meditation works so well. It has worked for me for 50 years, so I expect it will work for you and others in a consistent manner.
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Like I said in my response beneath the blog, I had been practicing something along these lines during the 2005-2015 period (before the Dark Night nearly killed me) - but there is something about codifying the recollection of a recent experience of absorption that makes it a formal technique. I'm finding that this little distinction makes a huge difference in reducing anxiety produced during the applied & sustained attention feature of the 1st jhana phase. It's allowing me to relax and enjoy the show.
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Last night before bed I happened to notice a handful of comments on my Samma-Samadhi blog that have been in moderation for over 11 years. Not sure what's up with that, whether I just missed them, or maybe I wasn't ready to weather a criticism storm, I don't know. I let the comments through, then when I woke up this morning I started pondering how I would answer them. After my morning meditation I decided to give it a go in a video:
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2023/12/30/comparing-the-buddhas-teachings-with-direct-experience/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2023/12/30/comparing-the-buddhas-teachings-with-direct-experience/)
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I enjoyed watching your new video. Thank you so much for creating it, and posting it.
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I decided to record readings of four Phala Nikaya Suttas and post them to my Samma-Samadhi site. Starting with the Anapanasati, I'll then go to the Satipatthana, Maha-satipatthana and Kayagata Suttas. These are the four that I used for the meditation group I used to lead at my home years ago. I got a lot of good feedback from aspirants at that time who were happy to have access to these teachings.
I just want to include these on my site so I can have a place to refer folks who are interested in developing a meditation practice and/or a contemplative daily life.
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/01/02/anapanasati-sutta-majjhima-nikaya-118/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/01/02/anapanasati-sutta-majjhima-nikaya-118/)
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Thanks, Michael. The track pad on my laptop has gone bad, which has created a great obstacle to me, in addition to my chronic health problems. Yesterday I took a 2 block walk with a nomad friend to the local food bank here in Wickenburg, where I am wintering. By the time I got back to my van I was extremely ill approaching anaphylaxis from the poor air quality due to the National Forest Service control burns all over the state making air quality for the entire state dangerous to breathe. Anyway I was too ill to do anything for the rest of the day even though I was using my modified CPAP machine and was at least not in critical condition. I know I have a mouse somewhere and I hope to find it today and be back functioning again.
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Thank you, Michael, for your excellent reading of the Ananpana Sati Sutta. I enjoyed your reading of this translation of that sutta. As everyone here surely knows by now, fruit (phala) is what we are all about here, and this sutta uses the term "maha-phala" which means 'superior fruit.' And, for us the superior fruit are described in the Samana-phala sutta, so from the beginning of Siddhartha Gautama's discourse on the practice of meditation he refers to the entire purpose of his Noble Eightfold Path is targeted to achieving the superior fruit.
A note on my comment yesterday. My track pad is back to working properly, so I believe its erratic movements for the previous 2 days were due to downloading updated software, which is evidence of poor programming of the operating system. Hopefully this upgrade will fix that bug.
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I will add the Samana-phala Sutta to my list of readings, Jeffrey.
Back in 2014 when I hosted a meditation group, we read from your rendition of the "Big Four" Phala Nikaya suttas. Your wording makes it much easier to put across concepts that help aspirants attain the "superior fruit."
Being a longtime Linux rolling-release enthusiast... I'm familiar with things suddenly not working until subsequent updates, lol....
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Thanks, Michael. I look forward to watching your next video on the fruitful discourses. The trackpad is still working, but it sure is frustrating to not be able to use my computer for about 48 hours.
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I'm stalled out on doing Sutta readings for the moment. My body decided to go into another detox cycle this week, so my voice sounds pretty awful. Hopefully it will clear before long and I can get back to it.
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I'm stalled out on doing Sutta readings for the moment. My body decided to go into another detox cycle this week, so my voice sounds pretty awful. Hopefully it will clear before long and I can get back to it.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I am not surprised we both live surrounded by forests, and the National Forest Service has been conducting control burns all over the USA. almost the whole state of Arizona has had terrible air quality this winter due to these control burns. Fortunately since the last storm front came through and put out a lot of these fires then air quality has been improving, but I noticed this morning air quality in central Arizona has been declining again. I don't suppose you have an air purifier.
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No, no air purifier. The other day I was in eastern Boulder County looking west toward the city, and it looked almost as bad as the smog we lived with in Pasadena in the mid-70's. The Denver/Boulder area tends to trap bad air under certain conditions, especially during winter. I haven't heard of any controlled burns, but that's probably because the mountains have been getting snow lately. Sometimes forest fire plumes from Arizona and New Mexico drift up here, so maybe that's part of it. I'm staying indoors today, exhausted, taking naps. Just have to listen to my body and give it rest when it needs it.
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With the current winter storm we are receiving rain right now in Wickenburg, and air quality all over Arizona is currently exceptional, and in fact most of the west has exceptional air quality except the Denver area, which includes you in Boulder, so I suspect control burns or agricultural burning is why your air quality and your health are poor.
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Two days later and I'm feeling significantly better, though not out of the woods yet. It snowed overnight, which I'm sure cleaned the air. There's a possibility that an arctic freeze will arrive next weekend into next week, so conditions are definitely shifting - finally. Hopefully I'll be back to feeling like myself in a day or two, maybe even making videos again. I was able to resume regular meditation this morning.
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I'm glad that you are feeling better. Every morning I check the Weather Channel app for air quality and it has been pretty good for the last few days, but declining today. I then check the AccuWeather web page for a satellite view of air quality for the entire hemisphere and noticed that nationwide air quality is rapidly declining most likely because the National Forest Service is still conducting control burns all over the country. Hopefully your health will continue to improve. I have been staying close to my air purifiers to stay alive.
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Only today has my voice returned to enough stamina to read-out the Satipatthana Sutta, which I've posted to Facebook (my Samma-Samadhi page and my regular homepage), and to my blog. Anyone interested can find it here:
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/?p=903 (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/?p=903)
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Thanks, Michael, I really enjoyed your reading of this most informative sutta on the 4 frames of reference on the practice of meditation and the contemplative arts
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I really love how it builds as you read along, like putting building blocks into place, ending up with the 7 Factors of Enlightenment. There's so much instruction here, but it also seems to boil down to noting what's there or not there, how it comes to be and how it dissipates. Letting go, letting go, letting go. One of my favorite Suttas, for sure.
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I'm glad that you are getting so much out of reading the fruitful suttas. How are you doing with recalling a previous blissful experience before each meditation session? Some times I like to listen to uplifting music before my evening meditation session. It just depends upon how I feel.
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My mind has been really active for a couple weeks now, for whatever reason. I do access a previous successful sit, but it's not taking me immediately past the racing mind like it initially was. In other words, I'm having to work to deal with the things that are arising. That said, once I reconnect with a successful past sit, that puts things in motion and after a while I notice that the mind is stilled. A couple nights ago I was surprised to see I'd been sitting for an hour and a half - must've spent half an hour in tranquility.
I've been listening to more music than normal lately. It seems to establish a sense of flow in my being, which is helpful for contemplative practice.
Have you been able to do sitting meditation, Jeffrey? Years ago when I was more active here, you were having to go with shivasana because of pain.
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My mind has been really active for a couple weeks now, for whatever reason. I do access a previous successful sit, but it's not taking me immediately past the racing mind like it initially was. In other words, I'm having to work to deal with the things that are arising. That said, once I reconnect with a successful past sit, that puts things in motion and after a while I notice that the mind is stilled.
It just takes regular practice and accepting some meditation sessions will be better than others.
A couple nights ago I was surprised to see I'd been sitting for an hour and a half - must've spent half an hour in tranquility.
This sounds like you had arrived at the 4th jhana, because it is characterized by a loss of sense of the passage of time.
I've been listening to more music than normal lately. It seems to establish a sense of flow in my being, which is helpful for contemplative practice.
I find differet music has different results. I've tried many traditions. I happen to like Gregorian chants.
Have you been able to do sitting meditation, Jeffrey? Years ago when I was more active here, you were having to go with shivasana because of pain.
Chronic pain is variable. I still sit in meditation, but most of the time I am in Shivasana, because most of the time I am wearing my powered air purifying respirator.
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Hello gentlemen,
I am really appreciating the dialogue here. Thank you Michael for your sutta readings, I will definitely be listening to those as they come. Music helps me a lot as well to get into the proper mind state to relax with concentration. I like Gregorian chants as well and female polyphonic singing. Its not necessary but it definitely helps when I am stressed from life, or simply want to dive deep with a sense of religious atmosphere.
Thank you
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Quote from: Michael Hawkins on January 17, 2024, 05:01:12 pm
It just takes regular practice and accepting some meditation sessions will be better than others.
Thank you, dear old friend. Having fully returned to the contemplative practice that served so well years ago, I am settled in for the long haul. Meditation puts the present moment right in my face, and there's nothing more that I could ask than that. When it deepens, I know I'm in home.
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Hello gentlemen,
I am really appreciating the dialogue here. Thank you Michael for your sutta readings, I will definitely be listening to those as they come. Music helps me a lot as well to get into the proper mind state to relax with concentration. I like Gregorian chants as well and female polyphonic singing. Its not necessary but it definitely helps when I am stressed from life, or simply want to dive deep with a sense of religious atmosphere.
Thank you
Hello rougeleader,
Lately I've been listening to a lot of the music I used to love in the 70's and 80's, into the 90's - not necessarily contemplative, although some of it is (like some of the piano jazz that's been coming across, or classical pieces here and there). For whatever reason, it's loosening me up in my emotional centers, so I can let go of my armoring, getting to a self-honest and raw place. None of this is by design, it's just part of the natural unfoldment.
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Good to hear from you again, rougeleader115. I am glad you are getting some inspiration out of our recent dialogs.
Thanks, Michael, for reminding me about some of the inspirational music I was listening to in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I recall listening to a lot of New Age music during those decades, as well as medieval music.
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I completely agree with the nostalgia and loosening of emotions. I have been doing layers of deep dives into my music past as well. This led me to a lot of very obscure video game original soundtracks from my childhood. Those soundtracks made me truly feel like a hero and close to divinity. Some of it sounds like a rainbow dance utopia in heaven that never made its way to earth but through the music. Some of those video game soundtrack artists in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s made some extremely unique sounds and compositions that I don’t necessarily hear in other places. So finding those was a nice treat. It was also nice to remember I have been striving to understand these feelings even during my naive and more innocent years.
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Hi Michael,
It is always interesting to me to learn about lifestyles that spiritual people live and how they make ends meet in this world while still maintaining significant time for practice. Are you able to share your experiences on this matter?
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Hi Tad,
Well, I am currently hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I've been living on my own for almost two years now - divorce will be final at the end of March. I managed to find a relatively inexpensive trailer to live in on a farm at the edge of town. There are other bills, though - insurance, internet, electric, gas, food, the normal stuff that everyone has to take responsibility for. I have been an Instacart shopper/delivery person since April 2020, at the beginning of the plague. It was a pretty lucrative endeavor at that time, but as the economy has tanked, so has this form of gig work. So, I am losing money month-to-month, gradually spending what little savings I have. I put myself out there as an astrologer, which brings in the occasional paying client - that does help in a pinch, for sure. I'm four years away from the potential for drawing early Social Security, and am currently looking for some cost-cutting measures (and financial relief) through government programs here in Colorado - so we'll see.
All of this is to say, with Instacart I'm able to maintain a daily contemplative practice, and I can do my Dhamma study in the car while waiting for orders. Living alone, there are no distractions, a situation that is really conducive to going deep and staying there. Lately I've noticed charisms arising while I'm out and about, so I actually end up being meditated while sitting in the car. I hope I can find a way to stay independent like this and still keep a roof overhead.
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Michael,
Thanks for sharing. It is hard to escape limitations of materiality. Even living simplified life, taking care of basic needs of physical body seems to consume considerable amount of time. I wonder if there are better worlds for spiritual practice. But Buddhist texts say that heavens are too blissful to practice something like N8P. I guess the exception would be pure abodes.
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Michael,
Thanks for sharing. It is hard to escape limitations of materiality. Even living simplified life, taking care of basic needs of physical body seems to consume considerable amount of time. I wonder if there are better worlds for spiritual practice. But Buddhist texts say that heavens are too blissful to practice something like N8P. I guess the exception would be pure abodes.
Tad,
I quit working "normal" jobs in 2011, when I had the opportunity to engage my father-in-law's retirement business buying and selling mountain properties in southern Colorado. He died a few years ago, then my marriage hit the rocks, and I ended up doing gig work. I notice that I'm sort of "ruined" in terms of getting regular employment, almost as though I got a taste of early retirement and can't go back (although you never know, of course). Looking at it from the positive angle, I'm astonished to have survived this long, and a part of me begrudgingly trusts that the Universe has my back, one way or another. We'll see what happens, I guess, but I tend to believe that the money-challenge is part of the deal for contemplatives in today's world - it really separates those who MUST follow a contemplative path from those who are content to dabble. I've never had an actual desire for financial wealth and wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. I do, however, have a desire for my basic needs to be met, so that I can do my practice with as little existential anxiety as possible.
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Hello contemplative friends.
I just uploaded a new video, this time a recitation of the Mahasatipatthana Sutta (DN 22). That leaves the Kayagata-sati Sutta as the fourth Phala Nikaya text that I plan to record - we'll see when inspiration hits for that one.
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/02/02/mahasatipatthana-sutta-digha-nikaya-22/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/02/02/mahasatipatthana-sutta-digha-nikaya-22/)
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Thank you, Michael, for your excellent reading of the Maha-satipatthana sutta.
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The time finally arrived for me to recite the fourth of four Phala Nikaya Suttas, the Kayagatasati Sutta. Here's a link to the blog post: https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/02/22/the-kayagatasati-sutta-majjhima-nikaya-119/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/02/22/the-kayagatasati-sutta-majjhima-nikaya-119/)
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Thank you, Michael, for another excellent reading of the 4 suttas on the practice of meditation that are found in the two largest volumes of the Pali Canon. This sutta is so useful because it is about using the body as a vehicle, or gate, for developing deep meditation, which, as you know, is called ‘samma-samadhi’ in the Pali Canon. It is a wonder how all of the famous meditation teachers in Buddhism didn’t know anything about these suttas, and their implication.
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Thank you, Michael, for another excellent reading of the 4 suttas on the practice of meditation that are found in the two largest volumes of the Pali Canon. This sutta is so useful because it is about using the body as a vehicle, or gate, for developing deep meditation, which, as you know, is called ‘samma-samadhi’ in the Pali Canon. It is a wonder how all of the famous meditation teachers in Buddhism didn’t know anything about these suttas, and their implication.
Thank you, Jeffrey. As I mentioned in a comment on my Samma-Samadhi blog, there are rumblings of a new local meditation group, as I've begun to sit with a friend who participated in the first one 15 years ago. Slowly but surely, the parts of me that are worth recovering seem to be recovering. Reading these four Suttas has been inspiration and instructional, grounding me in a rigorous practice that changes everything.
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I'm glad to hear that you are making progress in your recovery and a local meditation group is coming together for you. Please keep us informed of your, and its, progress.
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I lost a loved one a few days ago. It took a couple days for the shock to turn into pain and suffering, and yesterday was a challenge to say the least. It offers an invaluable chance to practice. This morning I journaled my way into a blog post about the process.
https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/03/06/the-dukkha-of-grieving/ (https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2024/03/06/the-dukkha-of-grieving/)
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Thank you, Michael, for posting your insight into how we fit the ecstasies into the traumatic material world.