Josh's Blog

[josh]

I am left wondering what purpose I have with meditation.  I don't agree with meditation as the ends.  There are differing opinions on techniques.  There is also what I want from my life and what value I want to get from meditation.  I think its important to develop your mind body and spirit at the same time, so nothing is out of balance.

My practice is instinctive and interactive.  I don't think I could ever settle on technique to be honest.  I have tried a vipassana technique, and I tried to focus on 'charisms' but both technique were not what I needed.  Sure, I see value in both, but that leaves me wondering what it is I need at this stage.

I am noticing lately how ADHD I am.  I never noticed this before.  Outside and inside meditation, my concentration just jumps non-stop and I feel the need to fidget like a kid trapped at a desk.  I can spend hours just jumping my thought to thought and by the end I am exhausted.  I will spend 10 minutes before I leave the house pacing and wandering in thought, even though I have everything I need to leave.

When I noticed how much anxiety and panic attacks I had, my dreams and OOB's, I had a mental breakdown.  This however, really bothers me because of all the wasted energy into what exactly?  I have also noticed some old traumas in the surface influencing me, but I have no idea how to get past it.  It's there guiding my behaviours in ways I don't like.  No matter how much I think I develop and learn and grow, I see nothing but more problems!  But, I am determined to past them.

[Jhanananda]

I am left wondering what purpose I have with meditation.  I don't agree with meditation as the ends.  There are differing opinions on techniques. 

The thing to get about organized religion is it tends to focus upon serving the lowest common denominator for the purpose of funding.  Since the average IQ is only 2 digits, and the devout generally come from this range of IQ, and dumb people do not value intelligence, then we end up with religion as a complete fraud.

Meditation is not an end in itself.  It is a means to an end.  That end is negotiating all 8 stages of samadhi, which is not meditation,  but what meditation leads to.  It is an altered state of consciousness, the product of a meditation technique, but not a technique in and of itself.

There is also what I want from my life and what value I want to get from meditation.  I think its important to develop your mind body and spirit at the same time, so nothing is out of balance.

Well, most people have no idea what "balance" is, or what "spirit" is.  It is my experience that we experience spirit in deep meditation.  Since I have been demonized in a contemplative and Buddhist context.  Also, if you analyze how samadhi is misunderstood by the Buddhist priesthood, which they believe it is "concentration," which it is not, then I have had to conclude that the priesthood of Buddhism does not understand the 8th fold of the Noble Eightfold Path, which means they do not follow, nor  teach an Eightfold Path.

My practice is instinctive and interactive.  I don't think I could ever settle on technique to be honest.  I have tried a vipassana technique, and I tried to focus on 'charisms' but both technique were not what I needed.  Sure, I see value in both, but that leaves me wondering what it is I need at this stage.

I am noticing lately how ADHD I am.  I never noticed this before.  Outside and inside meditation, my concentration just jumps non-stop and I feel the need to fidget like a kid trapped at a desk.  I can spend hours just jumping my thought to thought and by the end I am exhausted.  I will spend 10 minutes before I leave the house pacing and wandering in thought, even though I have everything I need to leave.

When I noticed how much anxiety and panic attacks I had, my dreams and OOB's, I had a mental breakdown.  This however, really bothers me because of all the wasted energy into what exactly?  I have also noticed some old traumas in the surface influencing me, but I have no idea how to get past it.  It's there guiding my behaviours in ways I don't like.  No matter how much I think I develop and learn and grow, I see nothing but more problems!  But, I am determined to past them.

It sounds like you need to learn to still your mind, which is the second jhana.  There are 6 more stages of samadhi to go.

[josh]

Good to check on the site every now and then and see whats going through everyones head. I have a post I thought was interesting to share.

For two nights in a row I have had some lucid dreams, almost OOB but I didnt want to leave. I have this fear something will come and possess me. Even though I know its not true, nothing can possess or control you. Still, I had the fear and didnt leave. I am wondering how to get past the emotional instability and randomness of the experience.

For the past year I have taken time off from the sleep state/ lucid dreams/ OOB because it can be exhausting and not really ready. So, Friday I was in the black and rolling my eyes. Great, I thought.

So on goes the experience.  I feel this primal part of myself, in my whole face and part of my body, struggling to get out. I feel my eyebrows, mouth, and nose move as this part screams. Concurrently, the best comparison to the 'feeling' to this side is like a military commander. I have debated the military or law enforcement for years.

I am not scared. Its shocking. I know this side isnt evil, though at one point I did. I think to Christ and what becoming like Christ meant. Well my body then started to dissolve and my hands melted into nothing. I freaked out. Then my body came back my felt very odd, it was my body but almost like a purified dead body. Christianity is an odd religion yet is part of my birthright. Odd to make sense of.

Then, the next night i had another lucid dream at this meditation centre. We were all sitting and the teacher was showing us how to start using this force, the black, and how to get deeply aware of it yet get inside it at the same time. He was teaching us the act of creation while being in the black or deep meditation, which includes OOBs among other things.

Naturally for me I got scared of this thought and ran away. They tried to find me to help me but I was not ready. I have a hard time reconciling wanting to live my life while at the same time developing my meditation skills at this deep level. Often it requires huge amounts of energy and time I am not prepared to give it right now.

Anyway, thats my experience this weekend. Aside from that I keep on my meditation, prayer, and contemplative practice, keep active, eat healthy. Strapped from time lately because i work 60 hours a wekk Monday to Friday. 

[Jhanananda]

Good to check on the site every now and then and see whats going through everyones head. I have a post I thought was interesting to share.

For two nights in a row I have had some lucid dreams, almost OOB but I didnt want to leave. I have this fear something will come and possess me. Even though I know its not true, nothing can possess or control you. Still, I had the fear and didnt leave. I am wondering how to get past the emotional instability and randomness of the experience.

This is no small accomplishment.  So, you are doing very well.  To overcome the fear of the OOBE is to overcome the fear of death, which is very primordial.  I suggest that you just keep going.

For the past year I have taken time off from the sleep state/ lucid dreams/ OOB because it can be exhausting and not really ready.

Well, when you are properly practicing meditation for the OOBE, then it should be the most relaxing thing you can do.  Just don't fight the process, nor push it.  Just let go, and let it happen, when it wants to happen.

So, Friday I was in the black and rolling my eyes. Great, I thought.

So on goes the experience.  I feel this primal part of myself, in my whole face and part of my body, struggling to get out. I feel my eyebrows, mouth, and nose move as this part screams. Concurrently, the best comparison to the 'feeling' to this side is like a military commander. I have debated the military or law enforcement for years.

I am not scared. Its shocking. I know this side isnt evil, though at one point I did. I think to Christ and what becoming like Christ meant. Well my body then started to dissolve and my hands melted into nothing. I freaked out. Then my body came back my felt very odd, it was my body but almost like a purified dead body. Christianity is an odd religion yet is part of my birthright. Odd to make sense of.

Then, the next night i had another lucid dream at this meditation centre. We were all sitting and the teacher was showing us how to start using this force, the black, and how to get deeply aware of it yet get inside it at the same time. He was teaching us the act of creation while being in the black or deep meditation, which includes OOBs among other things.

Naturally for me I got scared of this thought and ran away. They tried to find me to help me but I was not ready. I have a hard time reconciling wanting to live my life while at the same time developing my meditation skills at this deep level. Often it requires huge amounts of energy and time I am not prepared to give it right now.

Anyway, thats my experience this weekend. Aside from that I keep on my meditation, prayer, and contemplative practice, keep active, eat healthy. Strapped from time lately because i work 60 hours a wekk Monday to Friday.

Very interesting.  There are some psychological states that are essential to progress in deep meditation.  It is referred to as "letting go."  Another term that might help you is "submission."  To progress into the immaterial domains one must completely let go to the point of complete submission to the process of deep meditation.  The term 'submission' in Arabic is 'islam,' which is one of the indicators that Mohammed might just have been a deep meditator.

[josh]

Greetings Everyone,

I am finally laid off from my job, so I finally have some more time to invest in study, meditation, and contemplation.  I do have other goals for this winter as well, learning more about auto-mechanics and carpentry and deepening that knowledge and experience.  And getting better at skating so I can play hockey (I am Canadian, its like a virtue here).

I am having trouble with focus on my prayer practice lately (oddly enough talking about this on a Buddhist forum).  I find I have discipline for my meditations, and I make time for my contemplation.  When it comes to prayer I am a bit lost. Specifically, when I 'sit with God'.  After every meditation, rather than do a loving-kindness meditation, I find I like to pray.  I count my blessings and give best wishes to people in my life and the world at large. It's very cerebral, a transition I use to ground myself after my meditations.

After this, I attempt to 'sit with God'. You can get into this mindset and it's interesting to meditate on it. It's self-awareness of yourself, body, and the depth and void to that, while becoming aware of this force larger than you. Whether or not it's 'God' is a larger question, its more the concentration and discipline to absorb myself into the experience is not there.  And I want to develop that discipline in this specific silent prayer.  It's the type of experience that asks large questions that often have no solid answer, and that is what runs through my head during this prayer.

Otherwise my meditation practice is good. It's the usual pleasant/unpleasant/neutral/void experiences.  I sometimes switch to the spine and try to expand my aware there with the rest of my body. I incorporate my meditations to my martial arts.  Lucid dreams, sitting with the blank while asleep, the odd out-of-body and practicing moving in that state, just all the usual stuff. I do have a questions, does anyone else find when they try to leave Earth they just can't? It's like hitting a wall and everything goes black.

[Jhanananda]

To me a good meditation is a deep meditation, and it is "listening to god."

interesting your black wall when attempting to OOBE off-planet.  The black has been a discussion here for some time.  It occurs when one gets to a maximum depth just prior to unconsciousness.  So, keep visiting that wall of black.  Perhaps it will one day turn into a wall of light, as it has for me.

[josh]

Hello,

I have been pondering on many things. I will go through in order to keep it concise.

1) Livelihood.

I don't aspire to be a monk. I choose to work to earn a living. This choice means I need a goal to believe in and then the work to achieve that goal.  It is interesting seeing the process in my mind, the energy I will put into things and how that affects my drive. Desire is important. I desire to do better, but I concurrently need to see that outcome in my mind to make it reality.  When you reach milestone you get a sense of satisfaction that makes the process worth it.

2) The religious experience.

I recently went through a break up. Happy its over. My ex thought I was behind the times in my religious and spiritual beliefs. I believe in self-honesty in regards to emotions. I believe in self-discipline and rationality, but I believe that controlling your emotions requires blatant and raw acceptance of your emotions to channel them properly. I told my ex, who is going through a struggle of addiction and lack of spirituality, that during my major mental breakdown I *felt* I was possessed by a demon. "Nonsense", I was told, "It was just you seeing the dark side of yourself. The way you talk about yourself you are outside the times, not up to speed with the present social consciousness". 

I was hurt by these words.  Yes, that is what I thought back then too, I am seeing the primal parts of myself I didn't acknowledge before.  But accepting it and allowing it to change me was quite the religious experience. I did that by fully feeling that emotion as it was, and I felt I was possessed by a demon. And that experience was real and changed me for the better. I became more mentally stable, mature, and rational. I became kinder to people. I became stronger. That experience would not have changed me if I only rationalized it.  It seems like this "religious" side my ex didn't like about me is the side that allows me to look at the deep and yes dark sides of who I am.  And I don't even see it as religious, but it definitely is a religious experience.  Being able to sit with yourself and accept the struggle, and then move beyond it, is quite the thing to be grateful. Hope my ex finds the right path.

3) Meditation.

I keep on meditating. Keep on praying. Dreams are pretty normal, at times intense. Not many OOBs, maybe once a month. Would be down to have full control but not at the cost of my life, sanity, and soul. I definitely feel more self-awareness and calm than when I started to meditate 6 years ago.  I am taking a more balanced approach to my meditations, not allowing myself to get complete absorbed in mind, but not dismissing whatever runs through my head.  It's a pretty peaceful approach, just what I need at this time of my life.

4) Art and Music.

I think I will use art and music as my means of connecting to the creative part of myself, you know where you feel like its going through you and you are just watching this divine will do its magic.  I used meditation for this before and WOW THAT WAS A CRAZY FEW YEARS! But, more balance is nice ha!

Thanks for reading.

[Jhanananda]

Congratulations, Josh, on making such good progress with your interior life.  It may not comfort you, but the world of humans seems mostly demonic to me.  So, my contemplative life has become more interior.