Fear and Axiety Pulling Me Away From My Practice

[Intuition]

I was considering posting this in my blog, but I decided to post it here, because I wouldn't be surprised if this is a problem that occurs for others aswell.

Here is my issue, and it arises again and again and again. I know what I should be doing. I know my practice. I will go for 4 days or so, with constant self-awareness, being in the 2nd jhana for much of this time, and meditating. And then, at some point, fear and anxiety will arise for whatever reason. Much of it is in some way related to my girlfriend (even though she is the most loving and kind being I've ever met). And, this fear and anxiety makes things hard for me. I should probably mention now that I unfortunately have the condition of OCD, although it does not affect me if I perform the right therapy upon myself. But, to continue, my mind goes into a frenzy, and becomes chaotic. Telling me that I need to think about this, I need to think about that. Respond to this fear. Respond to that. You must think, you must think. It makes me tired, saps my energy, takes my attention, and then, I find, that I've abandoned my self-awareness and my meditation, after being stuck in this fear and worry and anxiety. Then, finally, at some point, I'll pull myself out of my anxiety 1-2 days later, release all the negative energy, and get back onto my practice.

I feel like I could be so much further if it weren't for these constant interruptions. Can anyone offer any advice?

[Naman]

There is no way around it. Let it all fade itself out.  Sometimes reducing the intensity and taking it slow helps,  smoothen the ride.

[Jhanananda]

Good advice, Naman.  Intuition, your recurring anxieties are common for those who meditate deeply.  I found when I began to move from the 2nd jhana to the 3rd is when I would become flooded with anxieties, which did not seem to have their origin with me.  It was not until I left the material world, and its cities, and moved into remote, solo-living in the wilderness that I began to feel free of these recurring anxieties.  After 2 years of solo living I succeeded in traversing the 8 stages of samadhi, and thus became free of the cultural neuroses and delusions. So, when anxieties arise reflect upon whether those neuroses are simply the group psychosis imposing itself upon your still mind.  Then let it go, and return to deep meditation.

[Jhanek]

Dear Intuition,

I think you are deluded. This is because the jhana is a state which is a continuous concentration with no interruptions.
Therefore I think: you think Jhana whenever it is pleasurable, fine state. Multiple times I tricked myself into same pattern - oh it is jhana - and then BUM! Something cropped up meaning it was not jhana or maybe just an early stage.
I even remember writing here that I can reach certain jhana so fast. How wrong was I - reached semi state, never fully emerged, with pride exploding hidden in the shadow of ego. The longer I meditate I see those little things...

Secondly-ability to discern changes, so you may really notice piti+sukha somewhere in the background but being not established, single pointed one is far from dwelling.

Anxiety for 1-2 days is extremely long. Which means that one has to improve factor of equanimity.
In the same way - having those storms in shallow buffer zone of the mind it is very hard to dwell. As you mention - constant interuptions - this is what we want! How otherwise to clean the mind? When the mind is clean there is hardly any interruption and you enter 1st jhana almost immediately. Such a rare case! Most of the people cannot reach for so many years because neither is their mind purified nor is their concentration improved.

So it is indeed excellent advice from Jhananada and Naman to do one step back, meditate more, lower the pace to balance things. Such strong anxiety or panic or fear or whatever sort of deep emotion is there - we all do have - blocks the ability to remain focused. Should be dealt within hour.

All the best!

[Jhanananda]

Dear Intuition,

I think you are deluded. This is because the jhana is a state which is a continuous concentration with no interruptions.

This makes no sense, because jhana comes to an end when one ends the session, and goes one's way.

Therefore I think: you think Jhana whenever it is pleasurable, fine state. Multiple times I tricked myself into same pattern - oh it is jhana - and then BUM! Something cropped up meaning it was not jhana or maybe just an early stage.
I even remember writing here that I can reach certain jhana so fast. How wrong was I - reached semi state, never fully emerged, with pride exploding hidden in the shadow of ego. The longer I meditate I see those little things...

Secondly-ability to discern changes, so you may really notice piti+sukha somewhere in the background but being not established, single pointed one is far from dwelling.

Anxiety for 1-2 days is extremely long. Which means that one has to improve factor of equanimity.
In the same way - having those storms in shallow buffer zone of the mind it is very hard to dwell. As you mention - constant interuptions - this is what we want! How otherwise to clean the mind? When the mind is clean there is hardly any interruption and you enter 1st jhana almost immediately. Such a rare case! Most of the people cannot reach for so many years because neither is their mind purified nor is their concentration improved.

So it is indeed excellent advice from Jhananada and Naman to do one step back, meditate more, lower the pace to balance things. Such strong anxiety or panic or fear or whatever sort of deep emotion is there - we all do have - blocks the ability to remain focused. Should be dealt within hour.

All the best!

It appears that your primary delusion is believing that jhana is a permanent state, when Buddhist philosophy is based upon understanding impermanence.

[Jhanek]

This makes no sense, because jhana comes to an end when one ends the session, and goes one's way.

Maybe wrongly - but I replied to what Intuition wrote basing only on what has been written. And it sounds like a two-day break-out.
Couple of posts ago I wrote exactly the same. Jhana is not permanent state. And I wrote to You but the context was slighly different.

[Jhanananda]

OK, Jhanek.  Perhaps the other thing that is not commonly understood about deep meditation is, by meditating deeply our neuroses are exposed, which is often painful, and requires letting go of those neuroses, and allow one's personality to be changed for the better.  Also, as one learns to meditate deeply one becomes intuitive, and so one can become aware of the collective neuroses, which can be quite maddening, as the collective delusion is severely neurotic.  Thus, the reason why those who meditate deeply often retreat into the wilderness to get away from the collective neuroses.

[Jhanek]

Thus, the reason why those who meditate deeply often retreat into the wilderness to get away from the collective neuroses.

Oh yeah, to some extent that may be.
I am not saying I have not experienced that - but not going into the wilderness and staying social makes one much stronger when struggling . I also remember huge wavering, sometimes painfull hours rather than minutes but in the long run it usually closes in 30 minutes. So extensive socialisation in the long run reaveals more Kilesa and forces an individual to work on equanimity.
I wonder how is 4th jhana perceived vs typical equanimity.

All the best

[Jhanananda]

Jhanek, if you examine the history of most mystics, including Siddhartha Gautam, you will find that they spent a period of time in solitude in the wilderness.  I see it as an essential phase of spiritual development, which enables the contemplative to separate his/her psyche from the collective unconscious.

[Intuition]

Hello everyone. Following up on this original post now. It's been a little more than two months, and I'd like to mention what I did in the time being. I sought professional therapy for my OCD, and it has been greatly helpful. I have performed ERP (exposure response prevention therapy) on my obsessions and compulsions, one obsession at a time, and I'm doing much much much better. It has taught me that although the spiritual path is excellent and useful, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is also excellent and useful, and a great invention of mankind. Essentially, in CBT, you change your behaviors, and this has effects on the mind. In relation to the topics of this forum, I found it interesting to see the parallels between cognitive behavioral therapy and 'spiritual practice'. In spiritual practice, too, you are changing behavior, you are performing actions, which have positive effects on the mind.

Point being to all, I'm doing much, much better now, and I'm in a much better position to get back to the happy spiritual life. Don't underestimate the power of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), and don't underestimate the value of being in a good conceptual mental state as a foundation to spiritual practice.

[Alexander]

Hello Intuition,

Yes I have a couple of these OCDisms myself which I have been getting better at. What you say about not indulging in the behavior seems to be key. For example, the post I wrote to you I reread about 3 times. Now, the mind can justify this and say it is just good writing editing haha. But in fact it turns it into a compulsion. I try to train myself (I was quite good at this a month ago and backslid this week) not to reread what I write to people.

Another one is walking back to check the lights on your car (or things like that). That is a "benign" one many people have. Just stop yourself from doing it. Realize your mind is just trying to create a problem for you and keep walking away. I admit I went back and checked yesterday. The mind says "but if the lights are on your battery will die and you will have to jumpstart it!" But in >10 years of driving I have never left the lights on. So you should be pretty OK assuming you by habit turned them off.

[Jhanananda]

In the 90s, I spent 9 years in weekly therapy with a Reikian therapist.  What we did together was mostly cognitive therapy.  I found it to be an excellent exercise in mindfulness, in which I developed moment-to-moment observation of my psyche, and my motivations. 

However, a contemplative, who is seeking depth in meditation should keep in mind that most psychologists, and psychiatrists dismiss our religious experiences, and our contemplative philosophies as "nothing more than belief psychosis."  So, it is worth keeping in mind that your therapist is most likely not a contemplative, and even if the therapist is; nonetheless, most likely the therapist does not understand deep meditation; and if you happened to mention to that therapist any of what we discuss here, is most likely going to be recorded as some severe psychosis.

Also, since psychology, and psychiatry are not contemplative traditions, then their track record for improvement is quite low.  For instance all recovery programs have been found to be only 5% effective, which means they are 95% ineffective, which means they do not work at all.  It suggests that the 5% who gain recovery from substance abuse would most probably have found recovery on their own, and possibly because that 5% might just have IQs in the top 5%, and might have taken up a fruitful contemplative life.

[Intuition]

Yes jhanananda, I take care not to mention mystical experiences, because I can only presume what the reaction would be. Also, I will say, I do ponder what percentage the effectiveness of my efforts in ridding myself of ocd has been due to my own navigation, and what percentage is due to the therapy and exposure response prevention therapy itself. I will say that although perhaps you are right with regard to treatment for substance abuse not being very effective, the exposure response prevention therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) that I do myself has been a great aid in ridding the bodymind of ocd.

Although, I will say, that if I am not in the state of the stilling of the mind (no-mind), I almost always find myself in a hyper-neurotic, constantly worried, never-at-ease, suffering state, full of worry and the mind playing games with itself, ocd or not.

[Jhanananda]

Your honesty brought a laugh to me.  Essential I took up a contemplative life 45 years ago to deal with massive OCD and PTSD from a seriously abused childhood.  It was learning to still my mind, and keep it stilled that freed me from neuroses.  So, keep up the good work, as it is clearly paying off for you.