The story could probably use some artistic polish though, so it all sounds like the same thing a Tibetan Yogi could say.
I don't know. I like that the level of polish or wrapper-story is quiet thin. I can't stand reading Ouspensky/Gurdjieff with all the filtering and digging needed to get to the candy, so to speak. Another thing about this is that for me the inner journey was and is more organic than what I get from reading The Fourth Way stuff. I just get stressed about trying to figure out what they mean. It makes the teaching seem artificial in some way. But please notice I'm talking about that stream of knowledge, not your excellent writing.
Reading your story had me ponder the concept of the immaterial body and its formation. For me, life it self was always struggle enough, and my horrible state of mind and that of the family and society around me was always more then enough material to struggle against, and there by forming this body I suppose. That kind of exercises that the yogi recommended I could never do for a longer period of time, and I do think that if not incorporated into a meditative practice that leads to Jhana I would have not done them, otherwise it would just have added to the suffering.
On the other hand 1), keeping up the discipline of meditation and an ethical lifestyle would provide a fairly organic tension in relation to the self and world, to form that body.
On the other hand 2) I did have a period when I practiced yoga to silence the body and mind and maybe that was enough. But I still have the opinion that The Fourth Way as it is written, seemed to over-exaggerate the pre-contemplative states and exercises, and a philosophy that may be excellent but is also and 'after-thought' in relation to the religious experience. To me, it seems.
Of course, the above is not criticism of your story, which I would like to add again that I greatly enjoyed. I would like to encourage you to write and post more similar stories because I too, even though I do get the message, get inspired by hearing it again in new frames and forms.