Jhanon's Blog

[Jhanon]

What if one was to write a fictional novel from the internal perspective of an average American. Capturing the audience first with the usual chaos and conflict, while documenting the savage insanity of the ordinary adult mind. But half way through the book, the character begins to develop self-restraint, and eventually, charismatic phenomena. Essentially, one would simply tell a "fictional story", yet it would be truth, and lend an inner perspective to the process of enlightenment--as well as how to do it. This would require absolutely no familiar religious terms be used, as if the central character is stumbling across enlightenment on their own. I think this would be to the benefit of it's likely popularity, essentially implanting the process like sitting in front of a TV all day. Except it would be positive. The author(s) would have to remain anonymous, and use only pseudonyms in order to avoid the book being corrupted by critique of the author(s).

I wonder if this interests Alexander. It seems to be for him.

[Michel]

The self is a whiny, spoiled, indulgent, ignorant, pain in the ass. And every time it kicks and screams, we put it in the corner. Until it is so exhausted and demoralized, it gives up to obedience.

Hahaha. I personify "the self" or my ego as the fool within me. I try not to believe everything it tells me. It is so damn stupid. It consumes a great deal of energy if you allow it to.

[Cal]

The self is a whiny, spoiled, indulgent, ignorant, pain in the ass. And every time it kicks and screams, we put it in the corner. Until it is so exhausted and demoralized, it gives up to obedience.

I made no progress this way. The only progress I made with "the self" was by simply calling its actions or thoughts what they were. In this way it learned what it's incorrect actions and thoughts were, it gave it no wiggle room. Slowly I began to have a silent moment in between this where the self waited to be told what it was doing. When that started happening, the work towards changing it was already being done.

[Jhanon]

Yes, but in my experience, that's just in the beginning. Later on it starts putting up a big fight, it turns into a beast, because we get to the more deeply ingrained, previously invisible conditioning. You can observe this in intimate relationships.

We're dealing with a child, educating it to mature. In the beginning, it's like a baby or first date with your future spouse. There's an innocence. You have to be gentle. But as one get's deeper, it turns into a teenager with all of it's vicious malevolence. With a baby, or on a first date, you don't have to think much. Just pay attention, and be gentle. With a teenager, or enraged spouse, you have to outsmart it. "Outsmart" is another way of saying how one learns the subtleties of absorption to reach the deep conditioning. "Putting it in the corner" is meant to mean "absorption." I was using imagery to express it differently.

[Jhanon]

The self is a whiny, spoiled, indulgent, ignorant, pain in the ass. And every time it kicks and screams, we put it in the corner. Until it is so exhausted and demoralized, it gives up to obedience.

Hahaha. I personify "the self" or my ego as the fool within me. I try not to believe everything it tells me. It is so damn stupid. It consumes a great deal of energy if you allow it to.

Yes, it does. Just like any dysfunctional relationship with a co-worker, spouse, or family member.

[Jhanon]

I keep having flashbacks of drawing eyes on my schoolwork as a child. It was only one. There was never two. Although I might draw many single eyes.

I drew eyes on almost every piece of schoolwork, and continued to do so into high school. Why? I don't know why.

[Jhanon]

It's so slow making progress on your own. Such a drag and lack of inspiration.

[Sam Lim]

Slow and steady wins the race. So the saying goes. There will always be ups and downs but one must be discipline. 

[Jhanon]

I just want to be forthcoming and get this down since you mentioned discipline. About 10 years ago, when I realized life was shit and I needed to do something about it, I began this whole campaign for "discipline and balance." I knew nothing of meditation or other practices.

10 years later, and I'm utterly worthless when it comes to discipline. I have to see the pain of lack of discipline over and over and over and over before I even come close to making progress. Times of discipline coincide with times of inspiration. And I've pissed away the last one like an idiot. I could die in a few minutes, and even when I recall that as I'm faced with the choice of discipline or not, I fail miserably and choose to forego the discipline.

If I ended up dying in a few hours and having to do it all over again on earth, I can't say I don't deserve it. I'm so fed up with identities and egos. How quick progress could be made in physical proximity to other dedicated mystics. It's become clear to me that is where progress comes for me. So everyday I counsel and help others resolve mundane issues with supramundane knowledge. Every once in a while they are ready for jhana, and then things get rolling.

[Jhanananda]

A fruitful contemplative life assures that discipline becomes a natural expression of life.

[Jhanon]

A fruitful contemplative life assures that discipline becomes a natural expression of life.

It's true that I have more discipline than most anyone I know outside of the GWV. But, I am frustrated with some stubborn addiction.

[Jhanananda]

It's true that I have more discipline than most anyone I know outside of the GWV. But, I am frustrated with some stubborn addiction.

As you become saturated in the charisms to the depth of the 4th jhana, then you will find even the most stubborn addictions will fall away.

[Jhanon]

I need to arrange for a retreat. Get all my work done as soon as possible (no projects for the GWV), and then meditate for as long as I can for as many days as I can manage. I understand--it's just that damn fear getting in the way. And if I can meditate enough, and stay absorbed in the tiny moments I need for food and bathroom, then eventually I think within 5 days of relentless meditation should overwhelm the identity, allowing fear to step aside and the understanding to be finally realized.

This might seem arrogant, but it's not. I know now why arrogance is always accused of enlightened beings. I know what the main truth is, but I am afraid to accept it. But enough time in bliss an ecstasy should be enough to reduce the conditioning enough to transcend the fear and accept the realization.

Otherwise it's like taking two steps forward and 1.9 steps back everyday.

[Jhanananda]

Yes, the fear is our final barrier, but the bliss keeps us coming back until we go for complete annihilation.

The accusation of arrogance comes from the frauds at the mystics.

[Jhanon]

Thank you, Jhananda.

Unfortunately, it feels like I can barely even get time to meditate in the morning. There are too many things to do "for the long term." I think it's because I have an utter lack of faith. I never talk about faith. And I rarely see anyone talking about it on here.

But, it seems without faith there is room for lots of fear and anxiety. Always rushing around, in body and mind, trying to make sure everything doesn't fall apart. Between my daughter, and companion, and the state and federal government bullshit (SSD/DSHS), and doctor's not mailing in my medical records, and roommates never knowing if they will have enough for rent--it's just exhausting. I woke up today feeling really dysphoric. I can only do so much before I need to retreat, at least for most of a day.

I almost forgot how nice it is to just be, alone, in a room or somewhere else of solitude. Moving at a natural pace in a natural way.

If I'm not in my "happy place of solitude", I usually worry that something won't work out, or that I get things done too slowly (which I do). And I don't know why I do. Because I look back on my life, and my basic needs have always been met. Things have always been "okay." So why worry and cause myself to fall away from meditation and the charisms?

I don't think I mean faith "in" anything, really. Even with equanimity there is still a lot that requires attention, which is why so many mystics have taken to the wilderness or other forms of refuge. I wonder if faith is even part of it this far down the path. At a certain point of trying to get everything "covered", it just becomes too much.

Maybe I should just start "being" as if everything already has worked out, and is worked out. Only problem is I adapt so slowly to new situations. Like the first couple hours of picking up my daughter for the day--they are brutal. In the end I have to abandon my peaceful center, and run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I don't know what i mean by all this. Like I said, the mind is in a blender right now. There's no foundation. And I have schoolwork and doctors to call, at the least.

This all probably should have gone into a private journal. Yet another thing I had to abandon due to lack of time.

It's funny. The longer I sit here, writing authentically, the more of an uprising joy and contentment I feel. God, I hope my daughter is a Buddha. LOL! So we could just sit quietly together in some meadow, meditating. And then it's time for the day's homeschooling. Her Mother comes home and there's just two very calm and peaceful humans there to meet her.