Hello,
My name is Jay. I found the GWV a few weeks ago. Upon doing reading various articles on the site, I can happily join the forum. I find many of the conclusions given on the site are many I have had, or do currently adhere to, although I had no ways of putting words to it. In fact, certain things that were written I had never talked about before! Let's introduce myself...
I am a guy in his mid-twenties. I practice a combat-orientated form of Shoalin Kung Fu. Many martial arts are exactly like spirituality -- fake & misleading. I happened to find an art which fits to the style of the person, but actually teaches one how to fight. I had taken Muay Thai, Taekwondo, and Kung Fu at a different establishment, but found something empty within them at the time. Now I know it is because I was not being taught how to actually fight.
How do I know this kung fu I am learning is true or not? I don't, but when I compare it to my experience with other martial arts, going through the motions of training and not really knowing how to fight, and seeing the results of the art I am currently in, I can say I am progressing like I didn't before. This establishment and my instructor teaches me, gives reasons for the shit we learn, and then we actually practice it in class on each other. I get hurt when I go to class, I go through pain and bruises. I learn how to move my body with the 'path of least resistance'... in other word, be lazy and do more damage. I am grateful to be there.
I have been a very deep and contemplative person my whole life. Since I was a young kid, I can remember going through experiences I eventually labelled as 'expanded awareness'. Other people call it kundalini in yoga, or jhana in buddhism (as I learned in the past few years). This happens when the sensitivity of my body and mind become very sharp that I become almost off-balance, but I am actually not. Things become too clear, which had caused me to get many panic attacks. Sometimes I fear my brain will bleed inside out, it is like it will explode. Sometimes the world does not seem real because it is too real -- it is all that there is.
I can see why people commit suicide, especially since I hear stories of people doing energy/kundalini/meditation work and going off the deep end. At deep levels I see my life as being meaningless, always, since I was young. I was never in a depression about it. When I was a teenager certain aspects of the 'expanded awareness' grew in intensity, the feelings and voices in my head kept edging me to kill myself. Even now at times, when that intensity levels grows I feel that same pull. It is interesting because I never truly feel the need to commit suicide, even if I am in my darkest moments. If anything it feels like I am dying, and in the past two years that is what the voice has shifted towards, that I am dying. The noise on the radio is too loud, ya know? I get it I'm dying, yeah kill myself, gotcha, now onto something that's important... what's beyond that label?
I started formally meditating a year and a half ago when I did my first 10-day retreat. Six weeks ago I came home after spending two months at a vipassana centre, a Goenka centre. I got much of out of my experiences there, and if I were to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down I would give a thumbs up. I saw problems with the place when I was there, although not necessarily the long-term servers.
My issues related to two important issues, and a few minors ones. First, it was too Goenka-centred. Why were the Assistant teachers not teaching and leading courses? The hallmark of any further growth comes from teaching --- you learn by seeing how far you've gotten and really have to internalize the teachings; are they really true? Plus, how does this survive in the west? And second, "otherwordly" experiences, bliss from meditation, or deeper states of mind, seemed to be discounted or talked about in the guise of impermanence. Not discounting attachment as dangerous, but this sole focus on bodily sensations seemed off to me.
That said, I still see the benefits from what they teach, but I am slowly incorporating it into my own 'way'. When I did my first 10-day, I talked to talk about this 'expanded awareness' but I had no idea how to explain it. I was told to just focus on the technique being taught. When I spent two months at the centre over a year later, right away I kept all these otherwordly experiences to myself instinctively. I could read from the situations how they would answer, the reasons why, and could tell that some of them did not have the same depth of experience like me (not like I am some yogi anyway).
I think I am a pretty good read of people. although I am far from perfect yet. People give off so many signs. I do not think this is anything divine, it is observing, listening, and feeling. I just do what I do. I have had many vivid and lucid dreams, but nothing I would call a true OOB yet. Of course, I am defining a true OOB of having complete awareness over the experience, which I do not yet. The infinite darkness, and having no form, had caused me great panic attacks while I was at the centre for two months. I am noticing the past couple weeks that the fear is dying off. In my last vivid dream experience, the fear was soooo small I was almost proud of my accomplish, ha!
Anyway, I hope to learn and connect with the people in this forum. Hope you enjoyed reading my experiences.
Jay
