There is this large void inside me. I have been running from it my entire life. I have used video games, television, and drinking to hide from it. All the senses bring so much misery because I used them to distract myself. It is not even that I am nothing, or that I experience nothingness. It is not that I do not exist. It is not the infinite darkness.
Why am I here? Why am I existing? There is nothing but I am here. I cannot remember. There is no purpose. I have no desire... why do I have no desire? They say desire is the cause of misery, but the lack of desire sounds like a great misery to me. To see nothing, to be nothing, to become nothing, and yet still be here. I am so painfully bored it rips my body from the inside out.
There is no enlightenment. What have I been searching for? For answers on the outside... everyone has their ideas on what enlightenment is.... what is it? Peace and bliss, the ultimate knowing? The only people who talk about enlightenment are those outside ourselves. It does not really exist.
Those who say it exists seem to want to make weak fools out of us.
Why am I here? What is the purpose? Why can't I remember? Death of the self, the dark energy comes. No misery, no desire. No suicide allowed. What is there to desire? Nothing, again and again. Nothing. Can you live without desire? What propels us? There is only nothing. Why am I dead but within a body? I do not understand. Why was I chosen? Why was I given this?
Why do I trap myself in a life I do not want to live? Why am I not living MY life? Something seems missing. What is missing? What am I missing? What is there? What am I searching for... all on the outside... its all inside.... I know. I see. I experience.
Nothing.
I am the all seeing all dancing crap of the world. What's my problem?
I vow to trust this internal source, the ME, whatever it is
~~~~~~~~
Jay
