This was a powerful experience as it was happening. I had went for a nap at 6 o'clock out of exhaustion. I kept mindful of my body, keeping my mind clear and awareness as long as I could. I have found in the past keeping awareness of the spine can make or break the difference.
Now, I know how the process works. You slowly lose control of your body until it goes away and the infinite darkness, or black, takes over. This happened to me in February for a couple weeks, but it has not happened in that progression since. Now, I have mindfulness just until that moment of darkness comes, then my awareness goes away. My awareness almost always come back for dreaming, lucid or not (this is normal) , and I will go to the level of infinite darkness through the night meditating on it (this is new in the past six months).
In this experience a new woman had come to help with this. She had quite beautiful eyes and seemed intent on helping me. It was a very vivid and very random dream sequence, with me practicing laying down meditation at the warehouse at my job. I ended up losing all emotional control and got up and walked to the kitchen at work on the woman's advice to have something to eat (she suggested beans and some other veggie). It was home time, one of the ladies came in the kitchen and was being her usual self. Bless her heart for her kindness, but she can be quite rude too, which I freaked out on. This is not like me at all. I saw the purpose of my compassion.
I went to the other room and phoned my mother. I cried to her and asked her what it is like for her when her dreams are vivid and real and spirits come to visit (referring to this new woman who was helping me). She gave me such an honest answer so typical of her, "I don't like when that happens and I try to ignore it, but I don't mind it happening every few months and it is a squirrel or something like that". Priceless. I then said to her hesitantly and in a quiet voice, worried if I said it would make it true , "Why did this have to happen to me (the intuitive awareness, the dreams, the spiritual, etc), why can I not be in the dark like everyone else?" After I said it I knew it was not the truth. I wish she could support me, understand, when I know she is capable. I wish I could turn to her in these matters for support.
I hope I did not disappoint that new spirit woman. I keep forgetting to ask these people/spirits their names. She was so compassionate in her dealings with me, I do not want to disappoint her and not achieve full awareness at night.
