I'm so content I cannot even handle it

[jay.validus]

This is quite the oddball of a post, but I am deciding I will write it.  I find in my life I have gone through cycles, where I feel such supreme bliss, happiness, and pure ecstasy, to the complete opposite.  I will feel complete emptiness and nothingness as if I do not even have a soul.  What feels like evil has gone through my entire being.

Since starting a meditation practice two years ago, this cycle has stabilized.  I spent time living on a meditation centre and did a bike tour across Canada in the past few years.  I live on my own.  These experience have been helpful to me.  I find I have much peace, and the two extremes I mentioned above can play out, but I am much more calm to them.  In fact, the experiences have deepened in some ways.  In other ways, parts which bothered me previously now do not. 

I am at this point where I am very content.  I am at such peace, even though I can see all my problems right in front of me.  An old friend saw me a couple week-ends ago.  He asked me how I was doing.  I said I was feeling fine.  He replied that he has never heard such contentedness from anyone.  Yet, for some reason I am not aware of yet, I cannot handle this.  I cannot handle how peaceful and beautiful this all feels.

I am very grateful I have the parents I have, the family I have,  and the job I have.  I am grateful I have had such powerful inner experiences.  I am grateful I was born so open to my inner world.  I am grateful I have found a meditation practice, mentors, and ways to move beyond my previous stuttering.  I am grateful I have a strong body.

I was given what I wanted.  Now what?  Peace is wonderful, but now what?  I will go on living my life, through hardships up and down, with a powerful peace?  I will have deeper and ever deeper experiences?  I am getting exactly what I want, but I feel I am being pulled at the same time.  Did I ever have a choice?

I know I am very lonely.  I do not have that tribal bond with anybody.  I know I am ambitious and intelligent.  I do not know how to translate that into that world.  I write this, and I am at peace!  What the fuck!  Nothingness comes, and I am at peace.  Evil comes, and I am at peace.  Bliss comes, and I am at peace.  What is happening to me?  This seemingly normal event is driving me crazy, but I am growing ever more into my true being.  I am achieving a true balance of the mind.  Is this what they meant?

I do not think this is what somebody normally writes.  In fact, I could understand if someone says that I do not have a balance of the mind, because if I were really at peace I would not need to write this.

All I know is that I don't know.

[Jhanananda]

Now you know what equanimity is, which most Buddhist priests have no idea.  So, if you maintain your contemplative life, then you can also maintain this level of equanimity and contentment, while you go about your life pursuing what interests you.  If not, then you will lose the peace, tranquility, equanimity and contentment, and you will go back to suffering like the rest of the herd.  It is up to you.

[Michel]

I have made contentment a part of my practice. I use the word content as a kind of command mantra throughout the day. Total contentment is the antithesis of craving. It is also the antidote for craving. It is not wanting for anything more other than what the present moment offers. Discontentment or dissatisfaction with the present moment in any way is a prelude to vexation and agitation - which is what fuels craving.

Moment-to-moment human experience is mostly characterized by grasping for the pleasurable and aversion for the unpleasant. Being totally content overcomes desire for any of the sensory pleasures. Being tolerant for the unpleasant, which is another form of contentment, overcomes aversion for the unpleasant.

Contentment is not minding what happens. I would say that contentment and equanimity are the same.

[Valdy]

This is quite the oddball of a post, but I am deciding I will write it.  I find in my life I have gone through cycles, where I feel such supreme bliss, happiness, and pure ecstasy, to the complete opposite.  I will feel complete emptiness and nothingness as if I do not even have a soul.  What feels like evil has gone through my entire being.

Since starting a meditation practice two years ago, this cycle has stabilized.  I spent time living on a meditation centre and did a bike tour across Canada in the past few years.  I live on my own.  These experience have been helpful to me.  I find I have much peace, and the two extremes I mentioned above can play out, but I am much more calm to them.  In fact, the experiences have deepened in some ways.  In other ways, parts which bothered me previously now do not. 

I am at this point where I am very content.  I am at such peace, even though I can see all my problems right in front of me.  An old friend saw me a couple week-ends ago.  He asked me how I was doing.  I said I was feeling fine.  He replied that he has never heard such contentedness from anyone.  Yet, for some reason I am not aware of yet, I cannot handle this.  I cannot handle how peaceful and beautiful this all feels.

I am very grateful I have the parents I have, the family I have,  and the job I have.  I am grateful I have had such powerful inner experiences.  I am grateful I was born so open to my inner world.  I am grateful I have found a meditation practice, mentors, and ways to move beyond my previous stuttering.  I am grateful I have a strong body.

I was given what I wanted.  Now what?  Peace is wonderful, but now what?  I will go on living my life, through hardships up and down, with a powerful peace?  I will have deeper and ever deeper experiences?  I am getting exactly what I want, but I feel I am being pulled at the same time.  Did I ever have a choice?

I know I am very lonely.  I do not have that tribal bond with anybody.  I know I am ambitious and intelligent.  I do not know how to translate that into that world.  I write this, and I am at peace!  What the fuck!  Nothingness comes, and I am at peace.  Evil comes, and I am at peace.  Bliss comes, and I am at peace.  What is happening to me?  This seemingly normal event is driving me crazy, but I am growing ever more into my true being.  I am achieving a true balance of the mind.  Is this what they meant?

I do not think this is what somebody normally writes.  In fact, I could understand if someone says that I do not have a balance of the mind, because if I were really at peace I would not need to write this.

All I know is that I don't know.

Hello Jay, It could be survivor guilt that you are feeling. A lot of people are afraid of feeling good when the world is in such bad shape. One author said "When you save yourself you save the world" and not the other way around.

When you say "all I know is that I don't know" I also have a queasy feeling like that, I feel as if I am living with no visible means of support
and have to take it one day at a time.

About 30 years ago I had a spiritual experience that put me into a state where I felt as if I was brand new and not attached to the outside world. I worried so much about this that after a few weeks I was able to ruin the feeling by thinking all the time.

I didn't know what state I was in at the time, now I know but am not able to get back to that state except for a few minutes at a time. After loosing that state the only thing I have learned was that I should not have lost it. : -)

You could try grounding yourself and doing something you enjoy.

Bless Valdy

[Jhanananda]

I enjoyed reading your contributions, Michele, and Valdy.  Yes, contentment is not even something most Buddhist movements discuss, yet we here experience it, from deep meditation.

[jay.validus]

Thank you, Jhananda, Michel, and Valdy for your thoughts on the matter.  Of course I am not going to stop or say no to the experience, but sometimes shit (not literal) comes out from the void.  That is all what was happening, but there are always a million things happening to the mind below the rational level.