I find it interesting how I still have a sense of deep awareness at many times I am sleeping. I partly suspended mediation because of how I internalized the practices in unhealthy ways, partly because I felt I was going insane and needed appropriate balance, and then partly because I needed to curb down my dreams during this healing process.
I had went for a nap in the evening a couple nights ago. A woman came in my dream. She was a young looking 50 year old with short blond hair just past her ears. I was telling her I am not choosing this feeling [the insanity and deep hopelessness] anymore. We walked around a fire in a room. Her dark eyes looked at me and she said not to look at her, otherwise I would not be able to stop. Of course I looked anyway and said the same thing to her, I am not choosing this feeling anymore. I was straining in my eyes to keep my vision clear and it was painful.
I kept coming back to the black trying to awaken, but I just kept dreaming instead. When I was floating in the black, I was holding in a lot of pain and stress. The woman spoke to me in my right ear saying to relax. It is always interesting to see how you can see and feel the sound in this state. She added her form of a joke, saying if I tensed too much I would physically die. It is not true and I knew it, but in a very theatrical way, I shouted how I was safe, and how I have guardians around me to protect me. I ended up seeing a black dog, a hummingbird with a beautiful glow, and other glowing animal spirits surround me as I laid on the couch for my nap.
Near the end of my nap, the woman was helping me leave my body, much to my irksome, although I appreciated how she was there. I was tensing during the process, and once again she kept saying to relax. Eventually I must have, because I left my body. My eyes were in much pain, and I brought my hands and felt them. I thought I was physically straining my eyes and then realized I needed to wake up soon to avoid any damage. My vision was clear in the centre but the peripheral vision was cloudy. Sometimes when lucid dreaming my vision is like this, but sometimes to is completely clear too. I noticed the part of myself creating the environment I was in, changing it from dusk to a clear sunny day, with cars on the road and people walking. It was very cool, but I am not looking to achieve that skill in my life.
I woke up and felt like the world was not real. My physical eyes were in zero pain and I sighed in relief. I called my mother and said what happened. She has had many vivid dreams. She ended up saying, yes it doesn't feel good to fell that, but it was just a dream. You are normal! Everyone dreams, she said.
