My mother made me see a psychiatrist when I was 15, Michel. That was a big year for me. Anyway, I decided I would try to outsmart the psychiatrist. I omitted telling her about the intrusive thinking I was having about one of my classmates, and about my interest in G. I. Gurdjieff. The first because I wanted to get out of there: the second because I knew the mention of anything "different" would cause trouble. I certainly wanted to avoid being labeled as having a mental disorder: as I knew that would have caused an irredeemable headache, and I knew whatever path was in front of me would be challenging enough.
I knew I was a mess inside, but I also knew (and, ironically, that 15 year old was right) that I knew more about the mind than the woman in front of me ever would. I knew that she was wasting my time.
You started very young on the path. Gurdjieff is heavy duty stuff. I took a preliminary look at him. He sure likes the women. LOL. I stumbled across J. Kristnamurti when I was 27 which was my first look at Eastern thought.
My first encounter with a psychiatrist was a disappointment. I was 22 then. After some 3 sessions I realized he had nothing to offer, so I left.
At age 27 I was in a deep, chronic depression, totally desperate. So the family pressured me to see a psychiatrist. This fellow was a well-educated, sophisticated, a European gentlemen. He was very smooth and laid back. His personality and appearance was very much like the actor Ricardo Montalbán. He spoke with a deep masculine, confident voice, with an eloquence that I had never heard before - giving the impression that he was all knowing. So I thought this guy might be able to help me - he became my mentor. It was a terrible mistake, because I was eventually medicated with an antidepressant that induced a manic episode. So he diagnosed me as bipolar. It was downhill from there on. Once they get you on the drugs you become addicted and you're at their mercy. This goes into your file which follows you from doctor to doctor for the rest of your life. They have tremendous power over you.
At the time that I first saw him, I told him that I felt I was somehow different from most people because I was very shy and withdrawn from most people. I just didn't trust most people. I had this feeling that there was something tremendously important that was worth pursuing. I didn't know what that was at that time. But he did inspire me to read books and expand my knowledge. So, I started to read and investigate literature that I thought would provide answers to my questions. When I showed an interest in exploring meditation and Eastern ideas he discouraged me. This had some influence on me. But not completely. It's best to follow your own path.
Years later I heard this doctor speaking to one of his colleagues in the hall. He said that he didn't like any of his patients. Little did he know that I heard this. When he realized that I was close by waiting in the reception room, and when I saw him - he looked totally embarrassed. I pretended not to notice, since I was on many of his addictive drugs and knew that it would be problematic finding a new doctor and they would probably change my meds. By that time I had realized that l couldn't trust any of these doctors. So I remained silent and played along with his game.
I only ended up having one visit to the psychiatrist; however, it did not allay the fears of my at the time highly-strung mother. That experience ended up becoming the beginning of my "death" to my family (recalling the prescription from Christ to do so). I could not stand my family for a long time, and tried to distance myself from them. "Come out from among them, and be you separate," says the Lord.
The Buddha did not abandon his family. He helped his mother, his son, Raoul, and his wife attain enlightenment. But he had to leave them first and go forth into homelessness. So in that sense you might say he did abandon them.
It is very challenging to be a streamwinner. Because while you're on the right path, and you know a lot, you can't communicate what you know to others. When you do it just comes out as nonsense. You also say things to the wrong people. I tried to tell one of my girlfriends about my inner path when I was 17. All it did was confuse her. I learned the best way is self-restraint, silence, and patience. Not to worry: the eloquence will come later on.
Yes, I find it difficult to express what I know to others. But I did manage to help my nephew with the physical pain that he was suffering when he managed to impale his butt on a tree limb while climbing. I told him about which thoughts he should allow and which thoughts he should avoid in order to reduce his mental affliction regarding the pain. It's knowledge that comes straight out of the Dhamma. We are blessed that we are exposed to theses "greatest" of all knowledges. I am just a beginner and I feel I know a lot already, but I still have much more to learn. One day the speech will come to teach others that will listen.
I am thinking of a quote from John of the Cross I posted recently:
The angel said unto Tobias “Because you were acceptable to God, it was necessary that temptations should prove you.” Tobias was acceptable to God, therefore He tried him; He gave him the grace of tribulation, the source of greater graces still...
This is an apropos way to look back on my experience with the psychiatrist, and similar experiences. I complained about it after, saying it was an extra grievance when I was already suffering. But, my navigation of those problems demanded I be given something else: and by navigating that I gained even more.
Everything is a test. And let's not forget the small stuff: The box of a dozen eggs that falls on the floor, the noise next door, the pain in your foot, the fly in your soup.
