Cal's Blog

[Cal]

Recently I began taking college courses at the local community college with hopes of securing some employment in a field that could better support a contemplative lifestyle, as well as the monetary needs of my family. Day 1 of a multicultural communications class I was asked to write a description of "Who am I?". Very interesting that as this course has progressed it continually encourages identity development as opposed to any sort of contemplative or critical ways of thinking. The students are all very self absorbed in their thoughts, yet the thoughts are of mundane things...all of them. Very judgemental as well. I believe the instructor of this course has made the direction of the class very clear. I constantly question keeping my mouth shut vs sharing how ignorant the subject material is. I refused to turn in the first assignment on "What is my identity." When attempting to write this paper, I had a hard time writing anything dishonest. There was also a fear of what being honest would bring. Perhaps college courses are not the right thing for me. However, I'll continue them to appease my wife.

Something that has been absent, or maybe just less apparent in my working life, was the "invisible" social order. Students sit in the same seat they did the day previous, even when there was no seating assignment. They park their cars in the same general area, walk the same routes. This could be "routine", yet it seems different. I think this is something I'd like to test out, maybe ill sit in a different chair tomorrow, one that someone has "claimed", and see what happens. It just seems that so many people are on auto pilot, oblivious to whats around them. Very little self awareness. I dont believe they even realize they do these things. I could go on a tangent with this, but it was interesting as its not something ive seen in a long time.

Psychology class is interesting, yet for me, its more of an opportunity to exercise critical thinking in a social setting, more outwardly i should say. The instructor is actually an anthropologist, and he holds some pretty obvious bias towards the psychiatry side of the house. Although I do wonder if the other students have picked up on them, as its not something hes outright said. I pissed him off the other day lol. He brought up something like a eureka moment and explained it as the correct neurons connecting and creating a chemical reaction. He said it in a way that led me to ask him "So all knowledge is already in our brain, all we need to do is connect the neurons?" He gave an example of how raising his right arm, and me watching him raising his right arm, would then help me with connecting the correct neurons for me to be able to raise my right arm. Basically he wanted me to raise my hand when I wanted to ask a question.  I had hoped he would bite on the question I asked him though, as it could have led to a worthwhile discussion. However, I tread dangerous waters.

One of the most noticeable things is my dis-inclination to interact with the other students. I want to help them though, but im afraid to.  My assessment of "college" thus far is the further culturing of the social identity. I am still unsure if the purpose of it is only social accreditment, or if there is some other value to it.
 

[Alexander]

Recently I began taking college courses at the local community college with hopes of securing some employment in a field that could better support a contemplative lifestyle, as well as the monetary needs of my family. Day 1 of a multicultural communications class I was asked to write a description of "Who am I?".

I struggled with assignments like this for years. It began in high school when my inner life began. I ended up developing two personalities: one that's boring, but able to deliver what others need; the other, the real me, that is never manifested.

There is a complex drama behind this and I think it has to do with the fact that people live in falsehood. When you're spiritual you empty yourself of all that falsehood, but for a long time you don't know what to think or say.

The students are all very self absorbed in their thoughts, yet the thoughts are of mundane things...all of them.

I am amazed at what occupies people as well. When you take their interests and juxtapose them with the fact they're going to die, the only conclusion you can come to is that human beings are insane.

I believe the instructor of this course has made the direction of the class very clear. I constantly question keeping my mouth shut vs sharing how ignorant the subject material is. I refused to turn in the first assignment on "What is my identity." When attempting to write this paper, I had a hard time writing anything dishonest. There was also a fear of what being honest would bring. Perhaps college courses are not the right thing for me. However, I'll continue them to appease my wife.

Try to re-do this if you can. Sometimes a course will only have 3 papers, so you want to do each one.

Personally, I always struggled with doing the readings outside of class. That paradigm began for me as a kid, and continues even now. I try to use as much of my time as possible disciplining the mind: and even now I can't maintain the 3rd and 4th jhanas. The readings seemed like a way to bring all that crap into my head again: the very nonsense I was trying to get rid of.

Something that has been absent, or maybe just less apparent in my working life, was the "invisible" social order. Students sit in the same seat they did the day previous, even when there was no seating assignment. They park their cars in the same general area, walk the same routes. This could be "routine", yet it seems different. I think this is something I'd like to test out, maybe ill sit in a different chair tomorrow, one that someone has "claimed", and see what happens. It just seems that so many people are on auto pilot, oblivious to whats around them.

I used to train myself to do the "opposite" of what the social order demanded. There are so many little crap ways human beings enslave themselves in life. For example, a person always drives to a place in the shortest way possible. Well, why do they have to do that? So, I thought, what if I just drive there and don't think about it? It is subtle, but over the long term liberating and powerful.

[Jhanananda]

Recently I began taking college courses at the local community college with hopes of securing some employment in a field that could better support a contemplative lifestyle, as well as the monetary needs of my family.

It sounds like a noble effort.  I hope you find something that works for you.

Day 1 of a multicultural communications class I was asked to write a description of "Who am I?". Very interesting that as this course has progressed it continually encourages identity development as opposed to any sort of contemplative or critical ways of thinking. The students are all very self absorbed in their thoughts, yet the thoughts are of mundane things...all of them. Very judgemental as well. I believe the instructor of this course has made the direction of the class very clear. I constantly question keeping my mouth shut vs sharing how ignorant the subject material is. I refused to turn in the first assignment on "What is my identity." When attempting to write this paper, I had a hard time writing anything dishonest. There was also a fear of what being honest would bring. Perhaps college courses are not the right thing for me. However, I'll continue them to appease my wife.

Interesting challenge of writing honestly without appearing delusional.  You could be honest and write something that challenges the teacher, but I donot think you will make a passing grade if you challenge the teacher in front of his or her students.

Something that has been absent, or maybe just less apparent in my working life, was the "invisible" social order. Students sit in the same seat they did the day previous, even when there was no seating assignment. They park their cars in the same general area, walk the same routes. This could be "routine", yet it seems different. I think this is something I'd like to test out, maybe ill sit in a different chair tomorrow, one that someone has "claimed", and see what happens. It just seems that so many people are on auto pilot, oblivious to whats around them. Very little self awareness. I dont believe they even realize they do these things. I could go on a tangent with this, but it was interesting as its not something ive seen in a long time.

It sounds like an interesting exercise.

Psychology class is interesting, yet for me, its more of an opportunity to exercise critical thinking in a social setting, more outwardly i should say. The instructor is actually an anthropologist, and he holds some pretty obvious bias towards the psychiatry side of the house. Although I do wonder if the other students have picked up on them, as its not something hes outright said. I pissed him off the other day lol. He brought up something like a eureka moment and explained it as the correct neurons connecting and creating a chemical reaction. He said it in a way that led me to ask him "So all knowledge is already in our brain, all we need to do is connect the neurons?" He gave an example of how raising his right arm, and me watching him raising his right arm, would then help me with connecting the correct neurons for me to be able to raise my right arm. Basically he wanted me to raise my hand when I wanted to ask a question.  I had hoped he would bite on the question I asked him though, as it could have led to a worthwhile discussion. However, I tread dangerous waters.

It sounds like you have already contaminated your results with this teacher.  I hope it works out for you in the long run.

One of the most noticeable things is my dis-inclination to interact with the other students. I want to help them though, but im afraid to.  My assessment of "college" thus far is the further culturing of the social identity. I am still unsure if the purpose of it is only social accreditment, or if there is some other value to it.

Learning new things can enrich our lives, but a lot of education is just training in social behavior and norms.  If you turn out not to fit the norm then you will be rejected.

I am amazed at what occupies people as well. When you take their interests and juxtapose them with the fact they're going to die, the only conclusion you can come to is that human beings are insane.

Sad, but true, and we mystics are supposed to negotiate this mad, mad world?

[Cal]

Recently I began taking college courses at the local community college with hopes of securing some employment in a field that could better support a contemplative lifestyle, as well as the monetary needs of my family. Day 1 of a multicultural communications class I was asked to write a description of "Who am I?".

I struggled with assignments like this for years. It began in high school when my inner life began. I ended up developing two personalities: one that's boring, but able to deliver what others need; the other, the real me, that is never manifested.

There is a complex drama behind this and I think it has to do with the fact that people live in falsehood. When you're spiritual you empty yourself of all that falsehood, but for a long time you don't know what to think or say.

This is very interesting Alexander, In highschool, I also remember having thoughts that i was boring. My thoughts just didnt resonate with my peers. ive always been a critical thinker. People used to tell me that i thought too much. I regret not finding that other me until much later in life.

This is so true. I have conversations with my wife about humans in general quite often. She'll get this excitement about her when she thinks of the worldly things that she can accomplish, the places she can see, and who she can "be" in a social context. It's disheartening, but a good glimpse at the falsehood you speak of. I will keep working on her though, i believe there is hope yet.

The students are all very self absorbed in their thoughts, yet the thoughts are of mundane things...all of them.

I am amazed at what occupies people as well. When you take their interests and juxtapose them with the fact they're going to die, the only conclusion you can come to is that human beings are insane.

Agreed, well put.

I believe the instructor of this course has made the direction of the class very clear. I constantly question keeping my mouth shut vs sharing how ignorant the subject material is. I refused to turn in the first assignment on "What is my identity." When attempting to write this paper, I had a hard time writing anything dishonest. There was also a fear of what being honest would bring. Perhaps college courses are not the right thing for me. However, I'll continue them to appease my wife.

Try to re-do this if you can. Sometimes a course will only have 3 papers, so you want to do each one.

Personally, I always struggled with doing the readings outside of class. That paradigm began for me as a kid, and continues even now. I try to use as much of my time as possible disciplining the mind: and even now I can't maintain the 3rd and 4th jhanas. The readings seemed like a way to bring all that crap into my head again: the very nonsense I was trying to get rid of.

Perhaps I'll ask about extra credit at some point. To be perfectly honest Im having a very hard time taking the instructor and the class seriously. The bulk of the course has been to seperate into groups and talk about our identity. "Multicultural communication" at its finest I suppose. But I am paying for the class, and it is requisite, i'll just have to pull the trigger on deciding to complete it or not.

This is so true Alexander. Over the last couple of weeks I've had to force myself to swallow the information I was reading as well as actively stimulate my thinking. It is definitely counter productive to what I seek as well.

Something that has been absent, or maybe just less apparent in my working life, was the "invisible" social order. Students sit in the same seat they did the day previous, even when there was no seating assignment. They park their cars in the same general area, walk the same routes. This could be "routine", yet it seems different. I think this is something I'd like to test out, maybe ill sit in a different chair tomorrow, one that someone has "claimed", and see what happens. It just seems that so many people are on auto pilot, oblivious to whats around them.

I used to train myself to do the "opposite" of what the social order demanded. There are so many little crap ways human beings enslave themselves in life. For example, a person always drives to a place in the shortest way possible. Well, why do they have to do that? So, I thought, what if I just drive there and don't think about it? It is subtle, but over the long term liberating and powerful.

Hehe youve used the word "crap" twice. School=Crap LOL Agreed.

[Cal]

Recently I began taking college courses at the local community college with hopes of securing some employment in a field that could better support a contemplative lifestyle, as well as the monetary needs of my family.

It sounds like a noble effort.  I hope you find something that works for you.

Thank you jhananada

Day 1 of a multicultural communications class I was asked to write a description of "Who am I?". Very interesting that as this course has progressed it continually encourages identity development as opposed to any sort of contemplative or critical ways of thinking. The students are all very self absorbed in their thoughts, yet the thoughts are of mundane things...all of them. Very judgemental as well. I believe the instructor of this course has made the direction of the class very clear. I constantly question keeping my mouth shut vs sharing how ignorant the subject material is. I refused to turn in the first assignment on "What is my identity." When attempting to write this paper, I had a hard time writing anything dishonest. There was also a fear of what being honest would bring. Perhaps college courses are not the right thing for me. However, I'll continue them to appease my wife.

Interesting challenge of writing honestly without appearing delusional.  You could be honest and write something that challenges the teacher, but I donot think you will make a passing grade if you challenge the teacher in front of his or her students.

Indeed. I could easily be diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, even with some very critical aspects of such a diagnosis being absent; violence, voices/conversations, impaired motor skills etc. Reading some descriptions of this...man they could frame anyone as a paranoid schizophrenic.

Psychology class is interesting, yet for me, its more of an opportunity to exercise critical thinking in a social setting, more outwardly i should say. The instructor is actually an anthropologist, and he holds some pretty obvious bias towards the psychiatry side of the house. Although I do wonder if the other students have picked up on them, as its not something hes outright said. I pissed him off the other day lol. He brought up something like a eureka moment and explained it as the correct neurons connecting and creating a chemical reaction. He said it in a way that led me to ask him "So all knowledge is already in our brain, all we need to do is connect the neurons?" He gave an example of how raising his right arm, and me watching him raising his right arm, would then help me with connecting the correct neurons for me to be able to raise my right arm. Basically he wanted me to raise my hand when I wanted to ask a question.  I had hoped he would bite on the question I asked him though, as it could have led to a worthwhile discussion. However, I tread dangerous waters.

It sounds like you have already contaminated your results with this teacher.  I hope it works out for you in the long run.

Its very possible. This instructor is very sexually driven. I see it in his posture and gesture, his choice of words, and his attention to the female students. Also, he used his personal youtube account when showing a video, his previous searches showed on the projector as being pretty sexually oriented. Its my hope that I dont "threaten" his space by just being present and involved. There are some things in this class I am slightly interested in learning. More-so interested in Anthropology and why the instructor developed this bias he holds for psychiatry. Back to the sexually oriented thing, I read the situation as he didnt want to talk to me, he wanted to talk with the females. Ridiculous really. I'm seeing those that are enabled, abuse.

[Jhanananda]

Indeed. I could easily be diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, even with some very critical aspects of such a diagnosis being absent; violence, voices/conversations, impaired motor skills etc. Reading some descriptions of this...man they could frame anyone as a paranoid schizophrenic.

As I see it misdiagnosis, and its unfortunate consequences, are any mystic's greatest threat at this time.

Its very possible. This instructor is very sexually driven. I see it in his posture and gesture, his choice of words, and his attention to the female students. Also, he used his personal youtube account when showing a video, his previous searches showed on the projector as being pretty sexually oriented. Its my hope that I dont "threaten" his space by just being present and involved. There are some things in this class I am slightly interested in learning. More-so interested in Anthropology and why the instructor developed this bias he holds for psychiatry. Back to the sexually oriented thing, I read the situation as he didnt want to talk to me, he wanted to talk with the females. Ridiculous really. I'm seeing those that are enabled, abuse.

Yes, the head of the anthropology department at the University of Arizona, back when I was working on my degree, was asked to step down for getting caught having sex with his female students.  I found there sexual predation among the faculty almost universal.  So, if you want to get a degree, you just have to avoid even the perception of competing sexually with your professors.  Take the nonsense that you feel you have to learn as an interesting research into the collective delusion, and how to help others overcome it.

[Cal]

Its very possible. This instructor is very sexually driven. I see it in his posture and gesture, his choice of words, and his attention to the female students. Also, he used his personal youtube account when showing a video, his previous searches showed on the projector as being pretty sexually oriented. Its my hope that I dont "threaten" his space by just being present and involved. There are some things in this class I am slightly interested in learning. More-so interested in Anthropology and why the instructor developed this bias he holds for psychiatry. Back to the sexually oriented thing, I read the situation as he didnt want to talk to me, he wanted to talk with the females. Ridiculous really. I'm seeing those that are enabled, abuse.

Yes, the head of the anthropology department at the University of Arizona, back when I was working on my degree, was asked to step down for getting caught having sex with his female students.  I found there sexual predation among the faculty almost universal.  So, if you want to get a degree, you just have to avoid even the perception of competing sexually with your professors.  Take the nonsense that you feel you have to learn as an interesting research into the collective delusion, and how to help others overcome it.

This seems like the noble course to take.

I'll admit, that a part of me had hoped that since my absence from education, and social interactions of the like, that things had changed, or that I had only remembered them differently. I had hoped that it may be different. It is not. It is the same vying for social acceptance, the same "popularity contest". I had truly forgotten how the like or dislike of someone towards you played the most important role. I do not appease them, I'm not like them. I don't care of youre an athlete or exalted among men. I'm not concerned with who did what on MTV. I'm not concerned that you will be attending a University on the other side of the country. Being aware, while around other students, I've found myself at times naturally, subconsciously wanting acceptance. This pull was small at first, but has grown some. I could be accepted by them. I think the hardest part is knowing that acceptance by them means nothing, and is only a delusion. I question who is actually delusional. In my adolescent years all I wanted was acceptance. In my late teens early 20's I found that acceptance in the contest of who can be more belligerent. I was good at that. The last 10 have been in the unity of a family... It is so very hard to walk the correct path.

[Jhanananda]

There are many challenges to a mystic.  If a mystic wants to negotiate acceptance by the herd, for whatever reason, then one has to not challenge the herd for their delusional thinking.  That was more of a challenge than I was willing to put up with, so I am marginalized for the lack of playing along with the herd.  You might do better, and if you do, then you are likely to be more successful than I was at influencing the herd.

[Cal]

Whelp the job is going "well". Its a smaller company with the majority of the employees being non English speakers, so it makes keeping to myself somewhat easier. The other mechanics arent that hard to deal with either, I only need to talk about beer and how nice it is not to work and they chime right along lol. I can say that my own mindfulness has taken a major blow and my meditation practice has went nearly out the window in this adjustment period. Although the other night after working a 14 hour shift I was awoken with some very intense charisms, so there wasnt much choice in the matter. I hope in the coming weeks, once my body has adjusted to hard manual labor again, and my mind has went back onto auto-pilot in troubleshooting equipment, that I might be able to be more mindful and return to the charisms. Otherwise, I can say that there is a definite difference to 2 years ago and now. Before the charisms I was lost, now the piddly shit doesnt matter so much, and I can view this life simply as a means to an end.

The wife has been a huge contributor since returning from the trip to AZ, and to be honest, im shocked....and grateful. I feel like I have missed so much with her simply because I chose not to pay attention. I've learned so many new things in the last few weeks and its led to unpacking my stubborn belief systems once again. I can say it really does feel good to be physically exhausted after a long hard day of work all while being distant from it. I finally came to a conclusion that providing for my family is an acceptable sacrifice and I can compromise. I also realized that I was not ready to lose them, not yet...love is a powerful thing, even in the light of what is.

I'll visit often, but Ill likely not reply as much due to limited sleep time. I tend to spend a couple of hours in contemplation and response, and at the moment, it would be hard for me. Just know that you all are in my thoughts 

[Jhanananda]

It is good that you see that often times our spiritual life has to take the back seat to our livelihood, and our family.  So, the challenge is to sustain enough of a spiritual life that nurtures us in a way that nothing else can, while providing for our self and family.  It often takes letting go, and just doing what has to be done, and fitting in our spiritual life into the few moments of silence that come our way.

Otherwise if we choose to fight against life as it is, then we just create more suffering for our self, our family and others.