Hi there,
I'm new and am grateful for the chance to say hello to all of you out there. For me, mediation has allowed me to experience amazing rapture and clarity but also some really dysfunctional mind states. It really has to do with what's going on with my life at the time and how I'm handling it. Given the up and down nature of my experiences with it, I've had my doubts about whether to give advice or not, so keep this in mind when you hear my story. I dabbled in meditation when I just got out of high school and after my brother converted me to Buddhism. This occurred at the tail end of a lengthy bout of questioning the meaning of life. It didn't work well for me, but once and even then I didn't see its significance. Mostly there was no effect and later when I sat at a 3 day retreat and the advice was to sit through the pain I had really negative side effects. It made me tense and short tempered. Not my usual state of mind, so I stopped. I moved to Northern California and years later Abhayagiri monastery showed up in my neighborhood. I began a relationship with them that was at first very rewarding. Their belief is that the heart needs to be cultivated, a teaching that Ajahn Chah received from Ajahn Mun that was pivitol to his success. The place was really fun and heartwarming and at the beginning simple and authentic. I loved to go there and I began meditating again. Along with the meditation I would volunteer and do all kinds of building projects for them and make trails in the forest. They appeared genuinely amazed with my skills and it was nice to know I was appreciated. Again, nothing much was happing with my meditation until one day I saw the abbot, Ajahn Amaro walk in and sit at the head of the group to visit with the people there. He had a flushed face and looked preoccupied with some kind of pleasure. To be honest, it looked almost sexual. It was then that I decided, there must be something to this meditation business. I decided, I wasn't going to look for enlightenment, that being too lofty and out of reach, if at all possible. I was going to change my attitude about life and investigate familiar but rare feelings I've had in my life. So that's what I did. I investigated feelings of gratitude, love, satisfaction, calmness, contentment and anything else I felt I needed to develop to live a happy life. During my mediation, I would pay attention to any feelings of balance and pleasantness. Little by little I zeroed in and began to feel amazing. Waves of pleasure, strange serenity and later, feelings of perfection. The world felt like it did when I was 5 years old. My emotions were coming alive and I felt alive. One of my practices was to ask myself to see things as if I didn't know what they were. To experience them as if for the first time. I could feel a part of my mind blocking a clear and immediate experience. During this whole time, I never told anyone what I was doing because I thought I had abandoned enlightenment and was goofing off, trying to learn how to enjoy life. There were times when my meditations felt almost sexual and I wasn't going to confide in anyone that I was doing that in the Dhamma Hall, so I kept it to myself. Later, the co-abbot arrived. Ajahn Passano. It was time to start planning the Monastery in earnest. I was invited to be on the building committee. I thought we were going to discuss how we were going to build things and stay true to the ideals of fugality that we chanted at Puja, but not the case. Ajahn Passano was a Snob and the committee was a formality. This was going to be his power trip and the architect, who was also a contractor was lining up a lot of business for himself. I decided not to be a part of the building committee. Soon after, I went on a 10 day retreat given by Ajahn Amaro in Santa Rosa. It was here that I was put through the ringer. I had gotten good at finding these perfect feeling and on day one I dove in. At the monastery I meditated a couple of times a week, but here, all day long. The first day, I went into a fevered rapture, It finally occurred to me that I was experiencing one of the Jhana's. Which one? I didn't know. I still don't. I was bothered by what happened and my mind would go back to it, in between Samadhi. I'd think about being contented and easily satisfied, unburedened with duties and frugal in their ways. What did that mean? During walking meditation I experienced a mind state that was more angelic than human. I was amazed but tried to stay calm and balanced, knowing that if I didn't I would fall apart. Day two, I was wearing out and decided to play the if I didn't know what it was what would it be game. I was feeling my foot and asking, how do I know its a foot? What really is a foot? The mental block parted and I could see it was a mental projection. There was no foot. It was a vibration. Its all a game. Identity is just a big game. There is no self. That's when I fell apart. Too much all at once. I wrote a little description of what happened to me on the retreat and it was read at the end. This was also read by the people at the monastery, so I became a star, which I didn't want or capitalize on in any way. One of things I was able to do after that retreat was know who knew and who didn't. Ajahn Amaro was the only other streamwinner at the monastery. They do exist. I wouldn't doubt Ajahn Sumedho is one also. Sadly, most of the rest are deeply ignorant and even corrupt. Ajahn Passano is one of these although he doesn't want to be. Over the next two or three years I tried to find a niche there but couldn't. The place was turning greedy and cultish but I still owe them. Without them, I wouldn't have had this experience.
