Hello everyone,
My name is Aron, but this is a pseudonym to keep my identity hidden. I am from Australia. I have been watching the GWV and this forum since November 2015 and it is great to finally be a member and introduce myself.
If I recall correctly my first experience with jhana came at the age of 15. It was during the school holidays/break where I had a large amount of free alone time at home. I can't remember how it happened or the progression to it happening, but I do remember just staring out into a void and then the fourth jhana arose. In Jhananda's videos he describes it as a crown being placed on your head or a gaping hole. I would agree, but in the past I have described it to others as your mind feels like a closed flower that is filled with the weight of the world, but then it blooms and there is a sweet release; as if my sins rolled off my head like rain drops falling off the blooming flower. When it was over, a large amount of time had passed without me knowing and this world felt different, like there was less to worry about. I made a vow that I would live a normal life, similar to everyone else's - this included a romantic relationship which I was already in - but be on the look out for others and a teacher, and if that normal life that I had built crumbled, then I would investigate the experience further. Foolishly, I thought this experience was a normal part of everyones life that's why people went on holidays and getaways LOL.
When I changed schools I met someone who I believed to have experienced the same thing as me but through marijuana. We spoke vaguely of the experience, but I assumed he did as we were very similar in our thoughts and interests. I eventually began experimenting with marijuana to see if I could induce a religious experience, but this just led to suffering and the ending of my romantic relationship on my 20th birthday after 4.5 years. I was now a single university student with a marijuana dependency, due to the amount I was taking. I was angry, depressed and lost.
Months went by, and I read many books on philosophy and religion, particularly eastern such as Taoism and Buddhism. I renounced everything, but I did not understand the magnitude of this. I remembered my teenage years experience and began to sit again for 30 minutes in the morning and night, although I was still abusing marijuana and thinking it would benefit my practice. That same friend recommended I purchase a watch as well. During this period of practice I would wake up and lay in bed on my back and stare at nothing or the sky, trying to induce the fourth jhana jhana. Then I would I would go outside and sit in meditation. One day I awoke and during my stare I felt a surge of energy rise from the bottom of my feet to my heart - it felt like it was pierced, but then just as soon hardened, nonetheless, joy and bliss saturated my being for days. It felt like I was being baptized and new life was given to me. My bones felt like raw energy was coursing through them during this rise and my body could not lay still. During this period of meditation I experienced what seemed to be a vision during my sleep cycle. Also during my sleep cycle I dreamed of a blinding light and a voice telling me "you are the pharoah" - but I suspect the marijuana was the cause of the voice, as I heard a voice tell me "I did not have to be here" when smoking it. That marijuana I smoked was different from any marijuana I had before, I believe it was laced with some type of stimulant; as it was full of tiny crystals and of a bright light green colour. This is what I believe caused the hallucinations as I have never had hallucinations before or after the drug had been in my system until I got that batch.
I decided to dramatically change my life, I left university and got a job at a liquor store. I was trying to quit the marijuana but my dependence was too strong. Eventually I stopped for one week, but the pain was too much and I decided I would get a small amount and wean myself off. I knew this was a mistake but I didn't see any harm in it. My meditation was getting deeper and I reached the second jhana - this was so painful as I remembered all the horrible things I had done to others, especially the ones I loved. I sat with it for a few days or weeks, time was a blur during this period. My practice was still the same time length but I was saturated throughout this whole period of practice (day and night).
I went to see my drug dealer for the last time and he invited me to what I think was his safe house. I drove there and looked at the sun, it was huge, the largest i have ever seen it. He was waiting outside the property and then lured me over the threshold to his property. I got out of the car and could see his aura, it was red and he looked different. He made a proposition to join them in exchange for money, drugs and property such as cars and houses. I declined and he got angry. I felt weak and sat on the bonnet of the car. I tried to be friendly but could sense he was getting angrier, then i left but on what seemed good terms. That night my friend who originally introduced me to marijuana picked me up and told me "I have to get out because I'm losing grip of reality." He took me to the casino and offered me women and i declined, he then offered me coffee and cigarettes and I declined. We left the casino and on the drive home he asked if i hated him and I said "no, why would I hate you," as i did not understand what was happening. I don't remember going home though.
Once again I awoke and stared at the sky and clouds while laying in bed. This time when experiencing the fourth jhana, I hallucinated red and instead of my mind blooming like a flower it felt like something was blocking it from opening and all I felt was pain; but i was fearless at this time, laughing and saying to it "bring it on". I came back to normal awareness later in the afternoon and my mind was filled with pain - i ate then went to bed. I couldn't understand what was happening, or why it was different. A few days passed and then it was Monday. I woke up and received a text message from my drug dealer telling me he had more of that same marijuana. I then experienced psychotic symptoms and called my parents for help. I was taken to the hospital and drugged further by the medical staff, then persuaded to admit myself into a psychiatric ward. I do not remember signing any papers either, but I still have to investigate this.
My first day in the psychiatric ward I met a lady who was pregnant, she was introduced to me and then I went to my room. Soon it was time to eat, I was the first to the cafeteria. I sat patiently until I was called to the window for my tray of food. When I returned to my seat, the pregnant lady I previously met was sitting in my seat, I didn't say anything and sat elsewhere. I returned to my room after eating and soon heard the lady talking to one of the staff, she said she felt happiness but it was gone and was asking for them to give her something to level herself out - at the time of her happiness she seemed ecstatic and without illness. I saw this pregnant lady as the nightmarish outcome of my romantic relationship; my lust - she even had the same name as my ex-partner. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and this was literally hell and I was tormented by one of the patients, but I will not tell how. The more time I spent there the more time it felt my mind was playing tricks on me. For example, I would have a long shower then when it would be group activity time where there was a obese lady telling everyone how she loved long showers, which I was thinking while in the shower; I saw this as my gluttony. I wanted out of that place and pleaded with them, I held back my anger and frustration as they would not let me out, soon after an elderly man came near me and started screaming to let him out and he said what I was thinking; I saw this as my wrath. I remember one lady used to get dressed up whenever she left her room; I saw this as pride. When I was discharged a man who I met came up to me with envy in his eyes, but he was harmless, I think he wanted me to take him with me. He was middle aged and smoked marijuana, he still lived with his family; this was sloth. One day I sat in the open area and it was complete madness in the place, everything was so loud, I picked up the book on buddhism and began reading, eventually everyone left to go to their rooms and it was quiet.
When i was released from the psychiatric ward my dad took me to the shops even though i felt uncomfortable. I sat in a store then a tornado hit the shopping center. I thought this was strange because we don't get tornadoes in Sydney, but my dad told me to ignore it -
http://www.smh.com.au/environment/weather/hornsby-tornado-nothing-mini-about-it-20131119-2xsk4.htmlI was meant to be in the ward for 1 month, but got out in 2 weeks as I had convinced them I was "normal". I was put on medication for a minimum of 1 year and had to see them every week; it felt like I wasn't given a choice or informed about any of this, but I sat with it. When I returned home from the hospital I was scared and confused. Scared of that hell hole and what horrors exist on this plane. My mind was filled with agitation and paranoia, but I felt somewhat safe at home. My father gave me two books to read, one was titled “The Heroes of Olympus - The House of Hades”, which I read while I was in the hospital and felt a portion of my self return which allowed me to convince the staff to let me out. The next book I read when I was at home, it was titled – “In Great Spirits”. The book was about the war and the final chapter told the story of how the main character returned home. When I finished reading it, it was as if I had strengthen my mind or a part of my self was back. I had strength and began cleaning out my room and all my past possessions from 5 years. I burnt my ex-girlfriends letters and photos – when I accidentally inhaled the smoke I felt my something like my soul being slightly displaced from my body. After burning some possessions I thought I would return to normal but something was still causing significant agitation and paranoia. I lay on the couch closing my eyes and there was a figure in the black made of red reaching for me, I went upstairs and moved my clothes off my bed and the figure went away. I had dreams that part of my soul was captured somewhere by demons. Eventually I remembered I had the watch that the friend had told me to buy, i smashed it in the sunlight and removed the battery. I felt my heart be released from the aforementioned hardened state during the rising of energy and my paranoia and significant agitation leave. That night I dreamed I was in a house with two demons and they were holding others there but I could not get to them, the window was behind me so I opened it and escaped. Since then I have been cautious of the possessions I keep, only the essentials and a few luxury items such as a computer and games.
The psychiatrist diagnosed me with a drug-induced psychosis and said I might be bipolar or schizophrenic. For some time I did display symptoms, but after the watch was smashed I displayed no symptoms of any mental illness but was told I had to be medicated for at least one year in case I relapsed. I did not want to be medicated, but I listened to what my parents told me as they had just caught me doing drugs and bailed me out lol.
One year passed, it was the start of 2015 and the day after my birthday I was taken off the medication - when told the news i felt a warmth in my chest. I had experienced withdrawals for a few weeks but after that I was OK. When on this medication I could not meditate or access jhana. I also returned to university as I did not know what else to do and needed time to make sense of everything.
Eventually November 2015 came around and I had finished another year of university so I decided to treat myself and go to a Buddhist meditation retreat where I would sit and see if there were others like me. The retreat was 4 days and 3 nights, noble silence was observed, which was nice for me as I don't like talking that much, but others tried to get me to talk. I experienced the first jhana within the first night, felt my aura and for the rest of the retreat there was a constant dialogue. I remember contemplating what was reality and reflecting on the maddening of my mind. Around the middle of the year I injured my sciatic nerve and it was slowly healing, during meditation I could feel the pain decrease as well as the nerve healing. I met with a monk for a consultation hoping to gain some information about my past experience and what was currently happening. I told the monk my mind was talking a lot and the monk said I had a weak mind and the point was to calm it down. I was confused by our conversation and was hoping for more information as to what was happening. But I did not say anything and sat with it until it was time to go home. A middle aged man befriended me at the start of the retreat, I noticed in the middle of the retreat he looked distressed, until then he did not speak, after he began to speak - I suspect he was going through the madness as well. Throughout the retreat a young girl was very vocal about her thoughts and it sounded like she was going through the same madness. I remained silent as I knew it would probably end badly for me. I was hoping the retreat and temple would be a refuge for me but sadly it was just another place I had been to. It was time to leave the retreat and everyone seemed very happy with their experience. It was time to share something that we learned during our time there, when it was my turn I rubbed the middle of my palms out of anxiety and said I would adopt the 5 precepts - which I had been working on already. When I got home I stopped practice but the internal dialogue kept going and eventually my mind became still, but just as soon as it came it went back to the dialogue. I searched "meditation induced psychosis" and found Jhananda's video series on the spiritual crisis. I decided to go back on medication for 3 months and investigate further, as I did not know what to believe. Once again withdrawals occurred but I just sat with it knowing it would pass.
To go back on medication I had to go back to the psychiatrist and she thought I was having a psychosis and was crazy when I told her my mind was still and that I thought I was having a religious experience – she was not interested in it at all, even when I told her that it happened when I was younger. I think it was the first week of medication that my forehead started burning and felt strange. Once I finished the three months of medication and realised she wasn't interested I asked to leave the support program and they said yes. For the most part when someone has wronged me I have just turned my cheek and accepted it.
Once I was back on the medication another tornado hit -
http://www.smh.com.au/environment/weather/sydney-weather-tornado-warning-issued-for-city-20151215-glom16.htmlWhen i got off the medication the sky would turn a purple pink colour - as seen in the attached image. This has happened a lot recently and has coincided with me being on and off again sick due to me messing around with my body through diet and supplements (I was in the hospital twice).
That is my meditation experiences to date and I will not begin practice until I have found a livelihood to maintain a subsistence as well as practice. I feel as though if i sit i will not get up until the deed is done. I still have mental agitation but not like what it was when I was under the influence of drugs. I see my fetters and observe them in myself and others - it is all I see in others. I am in the process of abandoning my craving; I have been celibate since February 2013 and sober since February 2015. But I still crave, I am very lonely as I have slowly isolated myself from friends since 2013, while others have left me. If i thought I could survive in the wild I would leave but I do not have the skills; I am hoping to acquire some wilderness survival skills in the future.
This was my final year at university and I have dropped out as it felt like it would not take me anywhere I wanted to go and I hated it. But at the same time it seems like I need a degree as I do not have any skills and am currently unemployed. I am willing to do any minimum wage job that allows me to practice meditation, and am currently searching but not having much luck. I would appreciate any advice on this? I was thinking that maybe I should do a trade/apprenticeship like carpentry.
Jhananda your work has been an inspiration that has kept me going throughout the last few months, I thank you very much.
And thank you all for reading.
