Directionless

[roamer]

I suffer from a horrible apathy and ambivalence.  Nothing it seems I can think of to do or say seems to make any sense or do any good.   I am not nihilistic, life is still mysterious and I do know there is bliss and love at the base of reality but I only experience that in moments of stillness, when my mind is moving I am deeply horribly conflicted.

I dont have words or a point of reference to express where I am coming from.  I have this feeling that the whole human works is damn near rotten right down to the most fundamental stories we use to construct our reality.  Our goals and motivations nearly all of them just perpetuate a cycle a suffering.  I cant articulate it hurts my mind is too numb.  I want to write something inspirational I want to lay out a plan to fix it but I'm just stapled by the weight of it all.  Just one little clueless being in an ocean of even more clueless beings clawing away in a hiddeous nightmare of our own choosing.   

I can let this whole mass of thoughts go but I hold on out of fear.  I have no real place in the world.  No real identity no real home and no real accomplishments.  Holding on to the mass of delusional frameworks and thoughts in part lets me find ways to scavenge my survival and hold together little bits of relationships which make me feel somewhat human.  But its all mostly a lie and the stuff that sounds really good just an illusion a reflection.  And the closer I get to that the harder it is to play along with anything.

I live in the cheapest slumiest apartment in a rural town blighted increasingly by meth and poverty.  I stumbled in this situation following a romance trying to construct a normal life.  It failed just as all my relationships tend too, as usual I was too withdrawn, unrelatable, and unmotivated to do the little things in life people find fun.  I would try and suceed for a while only to be snapped like a rubber band back to intense craving of solitude and lonely self induced cathartic bouts that lead me back to contemplative life.

And so here I sit basically camping out in a $375/month stale rundown 70's styled efficiency adjacent to a drug dealer and an insane elderly women left by her poor family with a little bit of savings no job and no desire to due much of anything really.  My mind rolls through scenarios one by one of jobs to do and places to go.  Nothing moves me at all.  I can't go forward from here.  I feel freedom from my situation will only  be won by actively letting go and going deep into the crucible of the transforming embrace of the divine.  I have failed at this so many times, I have deluded myself at this so many times, i have attained some fruit and then became inattentive and sloppy and lacked the discipline and vigilance required to keep it going.  I don't know what at all will be different with this attempt, I am older, less energetic I feel like I made my best attempts already only to slowly get steamrolled by the demands of the world. What must I change and sacrifice to succeed?  Will i go insane?  Have I gone insane? And I can't help but wonder if the path of release is always so arduous will mankind always suffer in such hells?  I understand our desire for a merciful god to come and fix this all for us.  If i had some faith or evidence I'd pray to such a god to fix this all too.  I don't and so I sit in the stew of my thoughts waiting for the energy and resolve to sit on the cushion praying that I can surrender myself to the divine within and cross that chasm never to come back to the hellish delusions i remain snared in.

[rougeleader115]

This is a beautiful expression of the same pains and agonies I am finding within my own life. I have no advice, because I literally feel as though you have described my own experience, and that the only solution I have found is the same as yours. Finding the courage to dive deeper and deeper because everything else repeatedly hits me in the face with the futility of my efforts to help anything.

[stugandolf]

Being directionless can be alright.  I currently,and for a few years,  have been in the dark night of the soul.  I know that my pragmatic ego has to go along with everything else.  When I find myself in various situations without having a clue of how I got there, then directionlessness can be alright if one accepts the situation - fighting the situation only makes things worse - surrender to the situation... Stu

[Jhanananda]

I suffer from a horrible apathy and ambivalence.  Nothing it seems I can think of to do or say seems to make any sense or do any good.   I am not nihilistic, life is still mysterious and I do know there is bliss and love at the base of reality but I only experience that in moments of stillness, when my mind is moving I am deeply horribly conflicted.

This is why mastering the stilling of the mind, and keeping it still is so very important.

I dont have words or a point of reference to express where I am coming from.  I have this feeling that the whole human works is damn near rotten right down to the most fundamental stories we use to construct our reality.  Our goals and motivations nearly all of them just perpetuate a cycle a suffering.  I cant articulate it hurts my mind is too numb.  I want to write something inspirational I want to lay out a plan to fix it but I'm just stapled by the weight of it all.  Just one little clueless being in an ocean of even more clueless beings clawing away in a hiddeous nightmare of our own choosing.   

Yes, the world is a horribly corrupt world, and has always been so, because almost everyone is in mad pursuit of the 7 deadly sins.  This is why the mystics of the past and present renounce the world, and dedicated themselves to leading a disciplined, rigorous, self-aware, contemplative life.

I can let this whole mass of thoughts go but I hold on out of fear.  I have no real place in the world.  No real identity no real home and no real accomplishments.  Holding on to the mass of delusional frameworks and thoughts in part lets me find ways to scavenge my survival and hold together little bits of relationships which make me feel somewhat human.  But its all mostly a lie and the stuff that sounds really good just an illusion a reflection.  And the closer I get to that the harder it is to play along with anything.

Matthew 8:20 NIV
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

The mystic has no place to call home, but wonders in pursuit of truth, wisdom, and liberation.

I live in the cheapest slumiest apartment in a rural town blighted increasingly by meth and poverty.  I stumbled in this situation following a romance trying to construct a normal life.  It failed just as all my relationships tend too, as usual I was too withdrawn, unrelatable, and unmotivated to do the little things in life people find fun.  I would try and suceed for a while only to be snapped like a rubber band back to intense craving of solitude and lonely self induced cathartic bouts that lead me back to contemplative life.

And so here I sit basically camping out in a $375/month stale rundown 70's styled efficiency adjacent to a drug dealer and an insane elderly women left by her poor family with a little bit of savings no job and no desire to due much of anything really.  My mind rolls through scenarios one by one of jobs to do and places to go.  Nothing moves me at all.  I can't go forward from here.  I feel freedom from my situation will only  be won by actively letting go and going deep into the crucible of the transforming embrace of the divine.  I have failed at this so many times, I have deluded myself at this so many times, i have attained some fruit and then became inattentive and sloppy and lacked the discipline and vigilance required to keep it going.  I don't know what at all will be different with this attempt, I am older, less energetic I feel like I made my best attempts already only to slowly get steamrolled by the demands of the world. What must I change and sacrifice to succeed?  Will i go insane?  Have I gone insane? And I can't help but wonder if the path of release is always so arduous will mankind always suffer in such hells?  I understand our desire for a merciful god to come and fix this all for us.  If i had some faith or evidence I'd pray to such a god to fix this all too.  I don't and so I sit in the stew of my thoughts waiting for the energy and resolve to sit on the cushion praying that I can surrender myself to the divine within and cross that chasm never to come back to the hellish delusions i remain snared in.

The mystic who succeeds is the one who picks himself up every time he falls, and rededicates himself over, and over again; until he finds liberation and enlightenment.  So, keep moving forward, no matter what.

[roamer]

rogueleader115, I hope you find your way through barriers and emerge

Stu, I'm not so big on the egolessness aspect of buddhism.  I do surrender the ego and commune as deeply as possible when meditating but when outside of meditation I need a rational self interested mind to schedule, plan, calculate ect so that my body can survive.   I see the ego as an operating system of the body.  Occasionally it goes through systemic crises and requires an installation of a more evolved version such as dark night of the soul phases.  As I see it the purpose though isn't to try to rid ourselves of personality or ego but to reestablish a relationship with the divine so that the ego can channel and work on behalf of the divine rather than vice versa.  So i guess Im with you on the surrender aspect, just have seen alot of smoke and mirror egolessness talk and just stick more towards seeing if any of the easier to identify fruit manifest in meditation.

Jhanananda,
Thank you for the wise words and encouragement.  It is a very difficult and elusive goal, it is good to have my resolve tested and tempered.  I'm feeling much better all ready making meditation once again the start and end to each day.   I will be much less likely to ever stop, restarting a once fruitful practice is every bit as bitter as starting from scratch. 

"The mystic has no place to call home, but wonders in pursuit of truth, wisdom, and liberation. The mystic who succeeds is the one who picks himself up every time he falls, and rededicates himself over, and over again; until he finds liberation and enlightenment.  So, keep moving forward, no matter what."

[stugandolf]

I use, knowingly, a pragmatic ego but...   Stu

[Jhanananda]

So i guess Im with you on the surrender aspect, just have seen alot of smoke and mirror egolessness talk and just stick more towards seeing if any of the easier to identify fruit manifest in meditation.

I agree with you here.  In the non-dual community I find little evidence of deep meditation practice and its associated superior fruit of attainment, which we find here leads to a non-dual experience; thus the egolessness of the non-duel schools seems to be nothing more than a mind-game.

Jhanananda,
Thank you for the wise words and encouragement.  It is a very difficult and elusive goal, it is good to have my resolve tested and tempered.  I'm feeling much better all ready making meditation once again the start and end to each day.   I will be much less likely to ever stop, restarting a once fruitful practice is every bit as bitter as starting from scratch.

We can only just keep moving forward.  So, it is good to know that you are doing so.