I'll just start by saying that I'm new to long sits. I've been at it less than a month now and I'm grateful to have found this forum to help direct my efforts. I've previously meditated for no longer than 20/30 minutes and most of them were guided meditations on an app called Headspace. I used to just get to a point where I felt relaxed and then go about my day. I used it as a kind of ADHD treatment to focus my mind. Now I'm in a different place where I've become much less motivated by the world and want to develop myself spiritually as much as I can. I hope you enjoy reading these and feel encouraged to share any opinions, perspectives, guidance, etc on this thread.
Here goes:
Oct 21, 2019
Today, the first time I’ve meditated longer than 30 minutes in a few days, maybe a week?
I did 5 min then 7 min earlier in the day and then just now at 11:15pm, I set a 45 minute timer. The breath would be the focus of this sit, until lights/sound/etc of Jhanas came into the awareness. Soon after beginning, a sensation in the right ear, which had an ear plug in it, began to arise. Almost an itch, but much more dynamic. In a state of mindlessness, it would likely be scratched/rubbed continuously. Note: earplugs were in the ear, which may have contributed to this sensation. No movement of the hand was made to scratch/rub the ear. Instead, the itch was made the object of the meditation. An effort was made to notice the movement of the itch, the location of it, the intensity and how it changed. After a while, the thought arose that if the the original intention was to have the object of the meditation be the breath, then it should remain the breath, for as long as the meditation is to have an object of sensation. So the awareness moved back to the sensations of the in/out breath in and around the nostrils. Shortly thereafter, the ear sensation dissipated.
Then arose feelings in the lawn chair of almost being very lightly pushed through the chair. The thought of opening the eyes to check if anyone was around arose multiple times, and feelings of anxiety as well. These were not acted upon. Eventually the lights grew brighter and for the first time, the sounds grew prominent. An effort was made to move awareness up, up in the mind space. There was a sense of the sound rising up almost like a two blankets rising on both sides.The light grew more intense. A distant siren in the neighborhood was no match for the sound, which was very easy to remain aware of. With the continued effort to “go up”, a pressure began building in the head. Memories of reading about this sensation entered the mind, along with thoughts of fear: most notably some form of demonic possession/losing control of the body. An effort was made to ease these fears, but really the only solution I see is to keep going through the fear until it is proved wrong. Have faith. Cultivate equanimity. After holding in that state for some moments, the eyes began to spasm, I made efforts to relex/calm them but short of opening them, nothing would do. Almost like REM eye movements while awake. Finally I let go of trying to control the twitching. The experience was very new and I decided to call it a wrap. I felt a soft lowering feeling that lasted a bit until it felt like I was firmly in my chair again and in my head. Like my spirit was dropping back town to earth. I opened my eyes and checked the time. 30 minutes had passed. 15 remaining, so I decided to just remain seated, eyes closed and just focus on the lights but not try to go all the way back up to that peak. A vision in my mind through the lights of some mountains arose. A large mountain in the center and a smaller one to the left of it. The vision moved to the top of the smaller mountain. I’ve taken this to mean that I have peaked on a small mountain along the journey, but still have a much higher mountain to summit. I am excited, and admittedly a bit afraid. No bliss feelings yet at all, really. Perhaps if I let go and allow the head pressure to reach its summit, then there will be a release of sorts. That’s the working hypothesis anyway. Terrifying uncertainty. Is there any way to cultivate equanimity easier?
It’s a way of life, surely.
Should also be mentioned that at the beginning of the meditation, I felt some sinking feelings.. no lights or sound or anything. The thoughts came that I am upset and disappointed in myself for how foul my language was to my mother. Absolutely unacceptable conduct.. My eyes got watery and a tear came out of my right eye. The light began immediately after that realization of guilt.
Edit:
Lastly, this is the straightest I’ve kept my back in any meditation. In the beginning of the meditation, my back even felt a little uncomfortably stiff but I decided I would just keep it straight to see what happens. After watching Jeffrey’s video on posture I see now how this aided me and I was able to reach such an intense state so briefly.
