Practice vs. family

[Tad]

When I was around 18-19 I lived a very simple life. I could get a lot of bliss from meditation and felt close to loving kindness/God or whatever there is in the universe. I did not use any intoxicants and had no sex. I felt happier than ever. But as time went by I got sucked into the so called normal human life. I started experiencing stress, looked for happiness in material things, sought all kinds of sensual pleasures, etc. Eventually, I got married and we had a child.

My family is great and I appreciate it. But quite often I feel like I am being torn apart between living a family life and pursuing mystic practice. For example, having a spouse requires intimacy, giving attention, which leads to indulgence in sensual pleasures physically and mentally. I have strong attachment to such pleasures because my mind still needs a lot of purification. So every time I engage in those pleasures I feel like I'm drifting further apart from the real goal. I would like to work on developing more dispassion for wordly things. But it would really hurt our relationship. I also feel strong responsibility to take care of my family. Thoughts of leaving family feel selfish. In some way, family life teaches selflessness and can be conducive to developing loving kindness toward others. As a minimum, I feel I have to do the best for family until my son grows up.

So how do you balance your family life and mystic practice?

[Jhanananda]

While as you found, and I too, that life as a single mendicant is much simpler, so I recommend it if possible; however, once we have children we have responsibility for them, so we should learn to balance a contemplative life that seeks depth with responsibilities.

I found I could maintain depth in meditation by making sure I started and ended every day with some depth in meditation. Nonetheless, if you want a happy married life, which is needed if you are going to remain married, then you have to be able to provide sex for your partner.  But, you could also inspire your partner to join you in meditation that seeks depth, but should not require it.

I found withholding sex was not necessary for depth, as long as I could maintain the depth on a consistent basis.

In Asia, it is common practice for the father to pass the family business onto his children when he turns 50. So, if you can provide the
necessary support for your children to negotiate a successful career, and to become stable in it, before you retreat into the interior life,
then you pass on to your children a sustainable contemplative lifestyle.

Thank you for posting your inquiry here.  I hope others can benefit from this discussion.

[Tad]

Thank you for very wise words.