A Ghost from the Distant Past

[Michael Hawkins]

Hello, community of contemplatives.  This is Michael Hawkins.  I was active here until early 2012, and may have posted something here and there since then.

Jeffrey reached out to me to see where the hell I've gone.  In our message exchange, I reflected on the fact that I logged over 10,000 hours on the cushion during the late 90's and early 00's, that I did regular long retreats, including with Jhanananda, and that I had found a home here with others who are struggling to walk a contemplative path in today's world.

For all the attainments I had gained "back in the day," I was not prepared for my personal crash and burn, which started in September of 2007 during an argument with my ex-wife.  My ego cracked that day, and it just kept falling apart until, perhaps ten years ago, I contemplated suicide on a daily basis.  I remember pacing back and forth in the unfinished basement of our rental house, out of my mind with a suffering that couldn't find the bottom.  I just kept falling, falling, falling.  Some part of me must not have wanted to die, because I reached out to an old therapist friend who, as it turned out, had retired from his therapy practice and was only interested in spiritual pursuits - mostly Advaita Vedanta, with a special love for Ramana Maharshi.  We had weekly phone sessions, during which time I began to recover.

One of the main insights that came to me during this period was that I was suffering from shame.  This is still very present in me today, as I write this to you, perhaps more so than in 2013.  Anyone who has looked into the shame dynamic understands how vicious and insidious it is.  Shame takes a regrettable action and turns it into self-condemnation.  "I walked away from my meditation family, therefore I am a horrible person."  "I abandoned my friends and loved ones, I am truly the lowliest of humans."  "I am a fraud, I wouldn't wish me on my worst enemy."  "I am unworthy."  It's a downward cycle that is very, very difficult to deal with.  It requires a lot of inner child work, a lot of emotional onion-peeling, a lot of trauma recovery work.  As Jeffrey would say, it requires a lot of meditation into the fourth jhana - but I can't verify that, at least not at this moment.

The fact is, in the state that I'd arrived at, I couldn't carry on with my work here in the Great Western Vehicle.  I also walked away from an astrology community that I'd built up over time.  I walked away from a writing community that I'd been involved with since 1995.  I walked away from every friend I have in the world.  All my worst coping mechanisms sprang into action, and I made the same exact decisions to run away as I'd made in 1982, when I left home in the aftermath of a murder suicide that blew my world away.

I'm sharing all of this with you because I have no interest in rebuilding the ego I once relied upon to get by in life.  I'm not interested in defending that asshole, or in gaining anyone's validation at the expense of integrity.  I am, however, interested in coming in from the cold.  I'm interested in communing with brothers and sisters who are working it out within the context of a contemplative practice, and who are willing to receive a Prodigal Son back into the family.

If you'll have me, I'd love to spend time with you here.

[Jhanananda]

You are so welcome to be back in this family as one who has seen into the darkest of places of the dark night of the soul.  We cannot hope to traverse the interior life without seeing into that darkness.  I look forward to reading the wisdom you have found. Welcome back friend.

[Michael Hawkins]

Thank you, Jeffrey.

I'll be coming straight from the heart from hereon out.  I look forward to what comes of it.  I am grateful for everyone who has kept this priceless community alive down through the years.

[KriyaYogi]

Michael your energy is incredible, energy in my body surges just reading your write up.  You are definitely a Siddha.  But even High Siddhas like Christ encounter problems as you know.  It may just have been someone targeting you for your power.  I would love to hear what you have to say and I am sure the rest of us would.

I also lost my best female friend in 2019 after being targeted, she lives out near Jeff in Sedona.  During early periods of my targeting my attacks were so severe I also contemplated suicide.  I was kept away for 3 days continuous without all but maybe an hour of sleep in three entire days.  I averaged 10 hours of sleep a week.  Slowly slowly I recovered and now I am very functional and sleep 7 hours a night, I am on a retreat to recover all of my personal power and am getting close.   We would love to hear more of your story if you care to share.  Can we help you recover what you lost?
-David

[Jhanananda]

Thank you, Jeffrey.

I'll be coming straight from the heart from hereon out.  I look forward to what comes of it.  I am grateful for everyone who has kept this priceless community alive down through the years.

Michael, I am so glad that you have returned, and I look forward to reading what you have to say here.

Please note friends that I moved this topic to the section of this forum that deals with the spiritual crisis, which clearly Michael recognized he was going through when he stopped coming to this forum, and some of the responses have gone deeper into the subject. There are a number of posts there that deal with this subject, and it is a very important topic for mystics who by necessity must traverse the spiritual crisis in their journey to mysticism.

[Alexander]

Hello, community of contemplatives.  This is Michael Hawkins.  I was active here until early 2010, and may have posted something here and there since then.

Jeffrey reached out to me to see where the hell I've gone.  In our message exchange, I reflected on the fact that I logged over 10,000 hours on the cushion during the late 90's and early 00's, that I did regular long retreats, including with Jhanananda, and that I had found a home here with others who are struggling to walk a contemplative path in today's world.

For all the attainments I had gained "back in the day," I was not prepared for my personal crash and burn, which started in September of 2007 during an argument with my ex-wife.  My ego cracked that day, and it just kept falling apart until, perhaps ten years ago, I contemplated suicide on a daily basis.  I remember pacing back and forth in the unfinished basement of our rental house, out of my mind with a suffering that couldn't find the bottom.  I just kept falling, falling, falling.  Some part of me must not have wanted to die, because I reached out to an old therapist friend who, as it turned out, had retired from his therapy practice and was only interested in spiritual pursuits - mostly Advaita Vedanta, with a special love for Ramana Maharshi.  We had weekly phone sessions, during which time I began to recover.

One of the main insights that came to me during this period was that I was suffering from shame.  This is still very present in me today, as I write this to you, perhaps more so than in 2013.  Anyone who has looked into the shame dynamic understands how vicious and insidious it is.  Shame takes a regrettable action and turns it into self-condemnation.  "I walked away from my meditation family, therefore I am a horrible person."  "I abandoned my friends and loved ones, I am truly the lowliest of humans."  "I am a fraud, I wouldn't wish me on my worst enemy."  "I am unworthy."  It's a downward cycle that is very, very difficult to deal with.  It requires a lot of inner child work, a lot of emotional onion-peeling, a lot of trauma recovery work.  As Jeffrey would say, it requires a lot of meditation into the fourth jhana - but I can't verify that, at least not at this moment.

The fact is, in the state that I'd arrived at, I couldn't carry on with my work here in the Great Western Vehicle.  I also walked away from an astrology community that I'd built up over time.  I walked away from a writing community that I'd been involved with since 1995.  I walked away from every friend I have in the world.  All my worst coping mechanisms sprang into action, and I made the same exact decisions to run away as I'd made in 1982, when I left home in the aftermath of a murder suicide that blew my world away.

I'm sharing all of this with you because I have no interest in rebuilding the ego I once relied upon to get by in life.  I'm not interested in defending that asshole, or in gaining anyone's validation at the expense of integrity.  I am, however, interested in coming in from the cold.  I'm interested in communing with brothers and sisters who are working it out within the context of a contemplative practice, and who are willing to receive a Prodigal Son back into the family.

If you'll have me, I'd love to spend time with you here.

Good to see you again.

You are always loved and never alone.

[Michael Hawkins]

It may just have been someone targeting you for your power.

...

We would love to hear more of your story if you care to share.  Can we help you recover what you lost?
-David

Thank you for the kind, accepting and insightful words, David.  They mean a lot to me.

I left my wife, who I'd been with since 1995, last April.  Something that I've found helpful during this time of recovery is to take responsibility for my role in what happened.  So, my response will be from the perspective of how I let this happen, how it fits into previously unresolved patterns, and how owning it sets the table for making different choices down the road.

One of the things I have to own is that I've always been very codependent in relationship.  By this I mean, I would seek validation and approval from my mate, which meant that I sacrificed my own needs, desires, values and principles in an effort to feel good about myself through whatever response I could draw from the other.  Toward the beginning of a long relationship (I've had three), the personal power that you speak of is completely intact - and, most likely, is what attracted her to me in the first place.  During this relationship, I met Jeffrey after I'd been meditating for five years or so, having awakened jhana in 1994.  I dedicated myself to a retreat lifestyle, posted my meditation schedule on the refrigerator, and enjoyed several years of being a yogi saturated in third jhana, meditating into the fourth, touching the arupa realms on occasion.  My wife and I attended meditation retreats during this time, including with Jeffrey.  We developed different points of view around the Buddha's teachings, especially around meditation itself, which, in retrospect, may have planted the seeds for the problems that followed.  As time went on, old coping mechanisms kicked in, and codependency dictated that I react to my wife during arguments.  Reacting instead of laying down boundaries was my downfall.  Jeffrey noticed what was going on way back then, and counseled that I get out, but I stubbornly stayed in it as personal power continued to seep out of me.  Eventually, deeper and deeper layers of trauma, suffering and wounds were ripped open, going back to early childhood sexual abuse, and multiple traumatizing events that were beyond my control, but that left scars.  My way of dealing with pain and suffering has always been to avoid while running away.  Oddly, while I turned my back on the GWV and literally every other important person and thing in my life, I chose to make a stand within the marriage, which was the crucible that guaranteed I would have to live through a genuine Dark Night of the Soul.

I can't really encapsulate everything into one post, but the essence is that I sacrificed my spiritual needs on the alter of marriage, and once that choice was made, I found that my life was a barren, empty wasteland.  On the other hand, I remember in the mid-90's praying, "Please, God, I wish to wake up completely in this very lifetime, no matter what it takes."  I believe that, for me, it required that I enter into the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  Besides losing my path, I also lost many false notions of who I am.  I've been stripped down to the nub, so to speak.  For this, I am deeply grateful.

[Michael Hawkins]

Good to see you again.

You are always loved and never alone.

Thank you, Alexander.  It's wonderful to be back with my contemplative brothers and sisters.

[Michael Hawkins]

I also lost my best female friend in 2019 after being targeted, she lives out near Jeff in Sedona.  During early periods of my targeting my attacks were so severe I also contemplated suicide.  I was kept away for 3 days continuous without all but maybe an hour of sleep in three entire days.  I averaged 10 hours of sleep a week.  Slowly slowly I recovered and now I am very functional and sleep 7 hours a night, I am on a retreat to recover all of my personal power and am getting close.

I'm so happy to hear that you made it through the darkest moments, David.  I feel relief knowing that you're getting good rest and are recovering your power.

What you describe here could very well be the life I have lived during the past 15-20 years.  Sleep-deprivation was a primary form of torture, one of the things that led me deeper into despair.  I never thought about the possibility of being targeted, but in a sense, power dynamics within a marriage often end up sapping the energy from one of the spouses - again, if boundaries are not established and respected.  Like a frog in water that slowly comes to a boil, I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.

[Tad]

Michael,

Welcome back. I enjoyed reading your old posts. Looking forward to seeing you on the forum again. Thanks to Jhananda for reaching out to you.

It seems that all mystics face a deep spiritual crisis at some point on the path. Even our Buddha must have gone through an intense crisis. We can only imagine what it felt like to leave a pleasant life in the palace to wander in forests and almost starve to death while looking for enlightment.

Ego is just powerful and tricky. It takes so much suffering to burn it. Sometimes I think that suffering is almost like a blessing as it is kind of like a cold shower waking us up from the depths of delusion. I think just to experience existance in the physical world we have to accept so much delusion, which clouds the minds even of the most advanced souls. Then they have to go through pain to remember what has been forgotten.

That is why I am coming to a conclusion that understanding that we gain from living the life with all ups and downs is the most precious thing. Even meditative attainments are not as important as understanding. One can develop good samadhi but it if there is not sufficient understanding, sooner or later they will destroy it.

Romantic relationships, wealth, comforts of life, family attachments, and so on are all rooted in craving. Even when these things go well, they have an aspect of suffering.

 

[Alexander]

Michael,

Welcome back. I enjoyed reading your old posts. Looking forward to seeing you on the forum again. Thanks to Jhananda for reaching out to you.

It seems that all mystics face a deep spiritual crisis at some point on the path. Even our Buddha must have gone through an intense crisis. We can only imagine what it felt like to leave a pleasant life in the palace to wander in forests and almost starve to death while looking for enlightment.

Ego is just powerful and tricky. It takes so much suffering to burn it. Sometimes I think that suffering is almost like a blessing as it is kind of like a cold shower waking us up from the depths of delusion. I think just to experience existance in the physical world we have to accept so much delusion, which clouds the minds even of the most advanced souls. Then they have to go through pain to remember what has been forgotten.

That is why I am coming to a conclusion that understanding that we gain from living the life with all ups and downs is the most precious thing. Even meditative attainments are not as important as understanding. One can develop good samadhi but it if there is not sufficient understanding, sooner or later they will destroy it.

Romantic relationships, wealth, comforts of life, family attachments, and so on are all rooted in craving. Even when these things go well, they have an aspect of suffering.

Remember, Tad, that ignorance is one of the last fetters. The arahant lacks ignorance.

[Michael Hawkins]

Michael,

Welcome back. I enjoyed reading your old posts. Looking forward to seeing you on the forum again. Thanks to Jhananda for reaching out to you.

It seems that all mystics face a deep spiritual crisis at some point on the path. Even our Buddha must have gone through an intense crisis. We can only imagine what it felt like to leave a pleasant life in the palace to wander in forests and almost starve to death while looking for enlightment.

Ego is just powerful and tricky. It takes so much suffering to burn it. Sometimes I think that suffering is almost like a blessing as it is kind of like a cold shower waking us up from the depths of delusion. I think just to experience existance in the physical world we have to accept so much delusion, which clouds the minds even of the most advanced souls. Then they have to go through pain to remember what has been forgotten.

That is why I am coming to a conclusion that understanding that we gain from living the life with all ups and downs is the most precious thing. Even meditative attainments are not as important as understanding. One can develop good samadhi but it if there is not sufficient understanding, sooner or later they will destroy it.

Romantic relationships, wealth, comforts of life, family attachments, and so on are all rooted in craving. Even when these things go well, they have an aspect of suffering.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Tad.  It's really good to be back.

I agree with you about life with its ups and downs being a precious thing.  On some level, I feel grateful for having been through what I've been through.  It feels tailor-made for exposing a lot of stuff that keeps me in ignorance (foreshadowing Alexander's post from this morning) and perpetuates a false sense of self.

I also agree about attachments and cravings through relationship.  Even solitary monks have to deal with it, since, even without a wife or family, the absence of these things is still subject to craving.  Being lonely, for instance, is a form of craving.  I can see where prioritizing a skillful and dedicated contemplative routine helps us deal with our longings to satisfy the ego.

I still have a lot of work to do.

[Jhanananda]

Thanks, Michael, et al, for your contributions. I am reminded of my 2 failed marriages, and insights and advice I received prior to marriage.  Frances Grow, the woman who was my earliest, kindest, and most insightful teacher advised me to avoid marriage, and so did my insights, and yet I had so much loneliness and such a longing for love, which I never received in my childhood, then I thought I would find a female fellow contemplative and settle down and have children.

With that mission in mind I was an active member of the Tucson contemplative and organic community and figured I would one day meet someone in that community.  After a few years I did.  I met my first wife at a 10-day meditation retreat I attended outside Boulder, CO.  I figured anyone who attends a 10-day meditation retreat should be a dedicated contemplative.  I actually met my second wife in the same way.  What I found was 2 women who wanted to be dedicated contemplatives, and wanted to be organic vegans, but weren't.  After they delivered a healthy baby, then they stopped joining me for the morning meditation, and began to express a great deal of discontentment which they blamed me for.  I kept trying to keep the marriage together for my children, but the abuse only intensified.  My first wife mostly resorted to verbal abuse.  My second wife resorted to monthly tirades of physical abuse. I put up with the abuse for my children for as long as I could until it became truly insane, then I left.  It sounds like Michael did much the same thing.

[Michael Hawkins]

Thanks, Michael, et al, for your contributions. I am reminded of my 2 failed marriages, and insights and advice I received prior to marriage.  Frances Grow, the woman who was my earliest, kindest, and most insightful teacher advised me to avoid marriage, and so did my insights, and yet I had so much loneliness and such a longing for love, which I never received in my childhood, then I thought I would find a female fellow contemplative and settle down and have children.

With that mission in mind I was an active member of the Tucson contemplative and organic community and figured I would one day meet someone in that community.  After a few years I did.  I met my first wife at a 10-day meditation retreat I attended outside Boulder, CO.  I figured anyone who attends a 10-day meditation retreat should be a dedicated contemplative.  I actually met my second wife in the same way.  What I found was 2 women who wanted to be dedicated contemplatives, and wanted to be organic vegans, but weren't.  After they delivered a healthy baby, then they stopped joining me for the morning meditation, and began to express a great deal of discontentment which they blamed me for.  I kept trying to keep the marriage together for my children, but the abuse only intensified.  My first wife mostly resorted to verbal abuse.  My second wife resorted to monthly tirades of physical abuse. I put up with the abuse for my children for as long as I could until it became truly insane, then I left.  It sounds like Michael did much the same thing.

Yes, indeed, Jeffrey.  Insanity is the perfect word for it.  I didn't have children for whom to stick around.  I just had really low self-esteem and low energy, and I was addicted to the abuse/love-bombing cycles - which, if I'm honest, I participated in with full awareness.  I knew in the midst of terrible fights that I was contributing to my own unhappiness, my own trauma, but the filters had worn away and I had no one else in my world to offer a better reflection.  I knew I didn't want to end that way, so I somehow slowly turned the ship around, and finally came to a moment when escape was possible.  As I've been saying, this may have been the only way to bring my ego down from its towering and arrogant self-impression, so the Dark Night did its job.

I also think about the many hours I spent on the cushion during those early years with you.  I believe that absorption and saturation stripped me of the false sense of self that I'd counted on to get by in life up until that time, and because of pre-existing shame that suddenly emerged, I couldn't ask for help in negotiating the strange new world I found myself in.  I didn't know who I was any more.  I still don't.  In a depleted ego-awareness, all I had were terrible coping mechanisms and a Shadow full of unresolved trauma, all of which came spewing forth in the context of an abusive relationship.  I see it clearly now, but at the time, it was just suffering and chaos, every moment of every day, for many years.

I'll say it again, I could not be happier that you asked me back.

[Jhanananda]

We are all here happy that you came back to this community of dedicated bliss-bunnies. The poor self image is a common symptom of child abuse.  I certainly have it to this day, because I am very uncomfortable with being the focal point of a group of people.  I find it just fine to be one of several people in a community, and definitely not the leader.