with self-arising bliss, joy and ecstasy,
Given I just suffered a severe mental breakdown, and am now in the clutches of institutional psychiatry, it would be grand if I could finally learn to access these states via meditation…
I’ve been devoted to Jeffrey as my teacher since I discovered him on YouTube at 18 (I’m 32 now), and it’s certainly not caused by a lack of trying. I had to re-convince myself that it’s not idleness yesterday (https://thetravelogue3.blogspot.com/2019/07/monthly-logs.html).
It could be my adult sexual PTSD. It was both the engine to this breakdown occurring, and perhaps is what impedes self-satisfaction when meditating. It could be a lack of long sits; though I’ve done them at length in previous periods to no result. Or it could be I don’t experience “kundalini” type energy when I sit which others do.
I don’t see how my complex PTSD could be the impediment, when the whole purpose of meditation should be as a vehicle to escape it.
I’m on dopamine-blockers now, which hopefully wouldn’t be a new impediment to bliss and joy when meditating.
Jungian Archetypal Psychotherapist
This was my background as well, Jungian psychology, then this nightmare happened 🙁.
Perhaps you and Jeffrey could give me a daily practice regimen, given I am here in the hospital for the next 50 days as a prisoner regardless.
Alexander - I think that using your time in the psych ward as a sort of meditation retreat is a great idea. I don't know how the dopamine blockers will effect your access to jhana, but I can see where being "incarcerated" for 50 days presents an opportunity to deepen your practice.
When I was a young boy, perhaps four or five years old, I would sit cross-legged on my bed and go into all eight of the jhana states - four in the material realm, four in the non-material realms. A holy man - I thought it was Jesus, but who knows - came to me during that period of time and took me on a tour of the arupa jhanas, where I learned of past lives and ever more refined states of being. When that period of time closed, he told me that he would be leaving me for exactly 30 years. When I was 33 (my 34th year), I was in the corpse pose trying to get out of my body, practicing astral projection. I spent up to ten hours a day in these efforts. As a result, jhana nimittas began to arise, starting with a tingling in my forehead, which progressed to a "halo" that then cascaded down my body so that I was in an energetic eggshell. It took eight more years of frantic searching for guidance before I found Jeffrey - around the year 2000.
What I'm saying is, I was blessed to have had those early-life experiences, because then, at 33 when the nimittas started up again, I had something to compare them with. My being was already acclimated, albeit in a dormant form. That said... for me, attempts to astral project seem to have provided the necessary stimulus for self-arising bliss, joy and ecstasy to re-emerge. The ecstasies have been present ever since. When I maintain a serious daily meditation practice, I am saturated in first jhana all day long, and will go into second or third jhana just sitting in my car waiting for Instacart orders.
I hope this doesn't come off as bragging or patting my own back. Truth is, the last 15 years (until about 2.5 years ago) were sheer Hell, because I was in a situation where I didn't feel capable of (or free to engage) a truly contemplative daily life. Being saturated in jhana under those circumstances was actually a form of intense suffering that I would not wish on anyone. Now that I'm free to have a full practice, I'm able to recognize my clinging to the aggregates, and I'm able to find the inner fulfillment that seems to immediately go bye-bye in relationship.
I terms of you finding jhana, it's tricky. Sometimes the desperate desire to make it happen can actually prevent it, since there is an expectation that is met with repeated disappointment, leading to discouragement and other negative mind-states. But if you don't have that desire, what's the point of having a contemplative life? There is a middle way in there somewhere. My sense is that complete self-honesty combined with a willingness to truly surrender, over and over and over again, is what eventually does the trick. Once there is a pleasant arising (like I said, for me it started in the forehead, but it can be anywhere), that becomes the object of meditation. It moves around, typically, changes form, sometimes expands, changes temperature, whatever. Stay with it and let it play itself out, in whatever way that happens to be. It is forging new territory for the next session, or the one after that. Let these nimittas guide you, and be patient with them.
My daily life is pretty much a retreat these days. The only difference is, I have to spend five hours in the afternoon taking Instacart orders so I can keep the lights on. That said, if I had complete freedom every day, my routine would look something like this:
Early morning (4:30-5:30) - wake up, hopefully capture whatever dream I'm dreaming; waddle down the hall to open Obsidian on computer, write the dream down. Drink morning dose of hydrogen peroxide.
First meditation - Depending on how active my mind and emotions are, I try (per a recent Jeffrey suggestion) to access recent successful meditation experiences so that I can drop right back into them. I sit for at least an hour, often longer, until things feel truly "done" for that session.
I would try to sit for a total of at least six hours per if I was on retreat in a psych ward, maybe more. I would do standing and/or walking meditation when corpse or sitting hits a wall. At a retreat with Jeffrey years ago, we stood on a ridge looking into an Aspen grove, and used the shimmering Aspen leaves as the object - truly amazing, that experience. Basically, I would get into a rhythm of moving in and out of meditation, dipping in, withdrawing, then dipping back in, over and over again.
In-between sessions I would read the Suttas and perhaps listen to dhamma talks from my favorite teachers. I would fit a midday meal in with perhaps a snack in the late afternoon - but that's me, according to my current dietary practice, everyone is different. Your practice of keeping a log can be useful, just to keep things organized and leave a trail. I've been journaling all my life and I never go back to read any of it, but just the act of writing things down seems to keep the cycles of life in motion.
One more thought - if you wake up in the wee hours, between 1 and 4 for in the morning, consider using that time for a meditation session. That time-frame seems to be a "magical witching hour" wherein absorption states are more accessible. Jeffrey can confirm this, because he's been doing it for 50 years.
I hope there's something in all of this that meets you where you are. I really respect the fact that you see an opportunity for retreat in your current situation - I think it can be a genuine turning point for you moving forward.
