Thanks Jeffrey for the invite. Here is my history.
I was a very spiritual child, intrigued by those who chose the spiritual life. I was a sponge and read everything I could on spirituality too. My mother would tell me tales about vows of poverty and simplicity and I even wondered about taking vows and becoming a nun. But at the same time both parents were alcoholic and my father was violent so it was a very painful childhood. I decided to commit suicide the very first time I heard about it and planned for many years. Fortunately I was uninformed and thought 20 aspirin could kill you. I fell asleep thinking I would never wake up but instead had a dream which I later believed was a glimpse of the after life and it wasn’t pretty. So suicide was no longer an option, however I felt that if I died by other means it would not be the same. So I developed a detached attitude toward life in general. This primed me for wanting to renounce the world. I was of the Timothy Leary era where tune in, turn on and drop out was an actual option, so I did.
I had a baby at just 18 and left home the same year, 1967, with the man I later married. I was unhappy with him and my child was very disturbed, though undiagnosed, so I didn't know she was ill. So when I got pregnant again I knew I could not handle the second baby. After giving birth I developed what is called post partum depression bordering on psychosis. I was seeing things and was having panic attacks, not sleeping for 5 days and so on. I took up meditating to save my sanity, with no formal instruction, except for one lesson about sitting ZaZen at the Theosophical Society years earlier and another one page instruction from some book I came across. Relax the body, let go of emotions, empty your mind, etc. It really helped me to have a refuge and I practiced daily until I was well again. But then I stopped doing it as much. Life went on, my husband moved us around a lot. We would have been considered homeless now but then it was just life and I enjoyed living like a mendicant. Except for the crazy spouse and child.
In 1972, living in the woods, after a spell of awful unhappiness, I decided to do what the Buddha had done, go off by myself and meditate until I found my answers. (Enlightenment?) I didn't even know what that meant really. I sat for hours each day, 6 to 8. I would break for lunch to feed my child and again I stopped at dinner time. No one knew or even asked where I went after breakfast. I was really naive, turns out it was a real blessing. I won’t go into a lot of detail but I went through a number of levels quite quickly over a matter of a few days. Delight in each new discovery kept me motivated. The distinct things I discovered and mattered to me were:
1) stopping all physical discomfort
2) stopping the internal dialog, wonderful, a real surprise
3) watching the thought stream which consisted of images, at first vague but becoming increasingly vivid to lucid
4) experiencing a "nothing" beyond the thought steam accompanied by realizing it had nothing to do with self and,
after a few weeks of this practice
5) feeling the outpouring of divine love and a strong knowing that some kind of purification had taken place and was continuing.
I knew I had experienced what the ancients had spoken about and were so eager to convey to us all.
I had changed and nothing would ever be the same. The life long sadness and depression were gone. I could be free of physical pain, emotional trauma and thoughts were just wisps of nothing. I was my own best friend and something deep inside me poured out a never ending flood of love and healing.
This all transpired over a brief summer. That fall we had to move back to the city. I still felt there was more to learn but my Inner Teacher would show me the Way. I was of course more distracted by the world. I then only meditated at night after everything got quiet. The purification still kept happening, I got divorced from my dysfunctional spouse, and after about a year I gave up drugs became celibate and was very very happy. Floating on air every day. There wasn’t even a name for what I felt, later I called it Bliss.
Eventually, I had one ongoing problem, I felt quite alone and disconnected from others. I just couldn’t fathom why everyone didn’t see this wonderful happiness. I felt some guilt I suppose and forcefully stopped all practice. It took quite a while for the various things to fade but I was determined to once again experience how all the others around me seemed to be suffering. (so I could help?) I did "remember" how to suffer and was lost again. I was afraid to try my previous routine again because perhaps Heaven wouldn't let me back in. By the way, I never told anyone what I had seen and done for more than 25 years.
Eventually, I decided to give it another try when my husband started meditating on the recommendation of a therapist. I decided to reveal all to him. We meditated together. We attended some classes in the Vispasana tradition. My husband attended a 10 day Goenka retreat which was very traumatic for him. I attended a 10 day retreat led by a Teravadan, I was very disappointed. Here is my account of that.
"Just got back from a 10 day retreat, and would like to share with
you my experiences. The teacher is a Theravada nun in the Thai
tradition. We sat for 45 minutes at a time starting at 5:30 a.m.
followed by 45 min. walking meditations, on and off throughout the day.
We did not have an evening meal, having taken 8 precepts, though there are some things allowed in the tradition, like cheese and chocolate, which are considered medicine! I did not indulge in these after the noon meal. The sister was a wonderful speaker and very funny. She had us get very grounded in the body. She did mention the jhanas very fast, in passing, as one of the "projects" that meditators fixate on, very disdaining in her tone. Her own teacher, Ajahn Chah, spoke quite openly about the jhanas, but she didn't. Maybe she had us all pegged as novices. Most were.
During the first few days, it was easy to get into the lower
absorption state, except the short 45 minutes was not enough for me
to sustain it as hoped. Some low points but for the most part, was
able to feel very pleasant states each day. Had a strikingly vivid
dream on about the 3rd night, about 2 deformed children to whom I was extending metta. It was so real, still feel like the little boy is
real and wish to reach out and help him. Had a problem the next
night waking at 1 a.m. feeling very rested but wide awake, waited
until 3:30 a.m. before rising, to keep from disturbing the other
retreat participants , and then was very tired by the end of that
day. The weather turned cold and it is something hard for my
constitution. Woke the next night again at 1a.m. and started to
worry. I'm 55 and need at least 5 hours of sleep. Had some
amazing meditation sessions. Lots of insight. Told the teacher
about my previous meditation experience , which I have posted.
She told me it was insight, but I had also thought the jhana or absorption descriptions really fit and fully expected her to tell me that outright. But she called in Insight. During the dharma talk
asked her another question about insight and was told I was greedy
for insight! Jeff, you just can't win, damned if you do and damned if
you don't with these people. They just don't want you to have any
inner validation. So then I was somewhat reluctant to go to her for
further guidance. Continued to have deep meditations and insights but after the deepest one yet, I surprisingly found myself afraid to go back to my cell alone and be in the dark. This was very puzzling since I spend most of my hours alone and love it, and can't remember ever being afraid of the dark. Knew that I should just sit with the feelings but it was hard. Had an even deeper session which felt quite disembodied physically and had profound spiritual connection to that ineffable thing I can't describe. But the little voice which of course is not words, looked at my body from outside and said "poor thing, this is not the body you had to work with 30 years ago" referring to my pains and broken leg (I broke it 7 months ago and it is still healing) This intelligence was so compassionate and felt like I was really being witnessed and, at the same time, I was the witness. After, went back to my room, tried to close my eyes and saw this static like on the TV screen where there is not signal but this static was responsive to thought and I could play with it making it turn into fuzzy images. This scared the living daylights out of me and I slept with my eyes open and the light on. It seems funny now but not then. The Sister says it happens and that was comforting, but would like to hear if anyone else has had this experience. I had some "memories" of what this energy was; the stuff that thoughts are made of, like an actual substance. Meanwhile, my dreams are very vivid and my body starts having waves of what I thought was fear flow through me. Couldn't sleep and left the light burning. Now, I remember, Jeff, you said something about energy and someone else at the retreat mentioned energy waves also, so finally after several hours of discomfort, was able to walk off the energy. My body was having waves of shaking shivers and jerks. Was worried about driving home at the end of the retreat but was able to just observe the waves and it does get easier when you don't identify the sensations as anything but energy. But, now I have a strange headache like my head is packed with cotton really tight. I really wholeheartedly agree with you that the support is really not there. There were only 12 people at the retreat and yet it is as if you are held at arm's distance. I know the hierarchy in Buddhism is real and the golden rule of oligarchy states that eventually an organization lives to sustain itself alone. Perhaps, this is why so few get enlightened after 2000 years. Not because the method doesn't work but because those who are in charge don't care.
I don't want to disparage our teacher but she actually said she
doesn't even think about awakening very much. Wonder what
Buddha would have said about that. At least, we got a taste of monastic life. Many incidents of transference among the people which can help free the person of hindrances, if handled mindfully. I was disappointed that I was not able to spend any real extended time in absorption because there were just too many distractions, like a loud bell to call you to each sitting. (I really feel now that bell was a main cause of my episode because it caused stress)
I wish they had invited us to sit for at least 2 hours at a time, at least once per day. By the time we got permission to direct our own meditation, it was the last full day and I was spent. One thing you can say about the absorption states is how revitalizing they can be. I find the lack of faith in the spiritual seeker to be sad. If people were to get addicted to jhanas (not that I buy that crap much) what is the real harm? Is it worse than being addicted to pessimism in the face of suffering? I can see why I practice by myself for the most part.”
It was right around this time that I found Jeffrey and the Jhana Support Group. What a relief it was too. Since then I have had many more experiences and insights. Only once have I entered or should I say, stepped outside the thought stream, since that 1972 retreat, during which time I did see the glowing orb of light and love. I told Jeffrey about it at the time because I had not believed others accounts of such things.
Because I am still married, I still meditate only after all is quiet. I intend to do more this year when I warm up and can do more outside. We recently moved back to California. We live ½ block from a walnut orchard where I can feel secluded, a major component of good meditation, I believe.
Thanks to everyone for your continued support in the contemplative life. Sorry if there are any typos, my computer acts weird.
