This one

[mapeli]

It feels a bit strange to write about my contemplative history openly, but I realize I enjoy and even benefit from all those I've read and I would like to give back. It also seems this great community is comfortable enough with these things, for me to be comfortable too. I'm not a native English speaker (nor writer) but I will have faith that the message will get through.

My first, early experience with meditation and eternity was not a pleasant one. Due to a family collapse I was left alone in a very distracting state, and when I should have been falling a sleep at night, fear and anxiety would have me in it's grip with no one around to comfort me. I new in my intuition that this was wrong, life was not suppose to be like this, and I wanted to start over. I also knew (i.e. believed) this was impossible (because time only moves forward) and that would force me to contemplate death, annihilation, eternity in space and time. But from a deeply distressed state. As soon as I would close my eyes the darkness would turn into eternity and I into nothingness and this would scare me into panic and was very unpleasant. I remember racing through space thinking I would not find my way back. So, I learned to meditate my mind by visualizing something (so that it wouldn't be completely dark) and then tune out the intensity of concentration enough to fall to sleep but not enough to fall into panic. I wish the simple idea of the  jhanas would have fallen upon my mind back then. I was four or five years old.

Some time later I was basically keeping my mind in check most of the time, counting or thinking about certain things not to let my mind race. Still no pleasantness though, but I certainly enjoyed quietude and harmony where ever I found it, and could hardly stand the aggressive randomness of my peers.

I have no religious background at all, but read a book about Buddhism at the age of 19 but did not pick up anything about pleasant meditation. Some years later I started doing yoga and had my first ecstatic meditative experiences. I realized I could actually ask my heart things and get immediate responses but that was quickly followed by the realization that I have no questions to ask. I have not been curious since.

Around that time I got introduced to the GWV and Jhananandas clear teachings. But mostly, in the beginning, the claim of this guy to remain conscious during sleep. This was something else. I read most of the articles straight away but nut until a couple of years later had their truth grown upon me enough for me to buckle up and start practice what was written in a rigorous and serious way.

Besides the pull of the teachings, the primary driving force for me, besides the suffering and hardship of life, was the dark night of the soul. It has it's own pull and it's own transitions, that have been so clearly expound upon in the video series. I recognized this happening almost before I understood that the ecstasies were going on.

What happened was, as my practice and aspirations began to emerge, I felt a stronger disconnect (i didn't think that was possible) with careerish society and got more and more desperate, because I realized that life in the office wad growing unbearable. So I started working more and harder in order to grab a pile of money and then turn away and live the holy life. This, of course, failed miserably. But working more and more in a high concentration but calm occupation (software development) made me start develop bliss and joy so at least I would have a nice time. But that would put me in the first jhana and after a while my mind would go silent and I really couldn't start it up again. Peace at last, I'm not dropping this for anything.

But, from the perspective of the world I seemed to just drift away into depression or something. And when I was approached and interacted with I would truly sound miserable, desperate and lost. But I would be really happy when just left alone. I never was able to explain this to anybody. I would try to say something about my blissful inn life but It seemed like I was lying as the tears and pains of the night were reigning the outer part of my personality and life. Oh the ironies and contradictions...

Some time later, during meditation, I surrendered all my worldly aspirations, plans and wishes, all my dreams and relations and surrendered to the darkness. I would search out all graspings and aversions and face them and give them up, and relax all bodily tension I would find. I did not expect anything but after a while I saw a light. That talked to me and introduced it self with a biblical name. It came upon me and I felt held by God (the aura I suppose), I was struck by the light and then I got a visitation from Jesus Christ. I was lifted out of my body and somehow I came back. I cried of joy and my life has not been the same since. Very surprising. Very blissful. Lots as lots of powerful love. It turned out that the light actually do shine in the darkness...

The negotiating of my awakening has gone almost automatically since then. Life has become more pleasant in many ways, but I still just want to sit in silence most of the time and have a hard time being around people too much. I have had a couple more kundalini-experiences but mostly in my sleep, where I would wake up feeling like I almost had crushed my own teeth from the energy and my whole body would glow. That annihilation in white light had happened to me earlier as well, long before I knew what it was about.

Now a days I meditate at least the first and last thing of each day, as recommended, but the Jhanas are definitely deepened and clearer when I do more sessions and recalls during the day. I have a hard time reading or doing anything requiring stillness and concentration without drifting off into the bliss, which I mostly feel immediately upon closing my eyes. I still have lots of practice to do though, and need to develop the forth jhana more. I long for more of that intense energy. [more to come in next post]

[mapeli]

As of attainments and signs, going by what I have recognized from the GWV, I have been enjoying visual charisms of orbs moving around and flashes of light for some time. They always remind me of the divine and brings joy. The heavenly choir has been singing for sometime too, but are still changing and developing. My favorite is the star trek-ish sounds someone else on this forum mentioned.
For some time I have been unable to find balance even when just standing still, I cant seem to have both feet rest properly on the ground or something, but recently the kinestetic charisms have started to manifest in my sits too, and it feels great. I get why this is called euphoria.
I also just recently started having the sensation of something like oil on the top of my head and especially over the temples and I recall the terminology of the annointment from the Bible. Of course I would be burned for claiming something as silly as being one of the Lords annointed, but I'm just pointing out the sensations came, and there seem to be references to it in sacred literature. I'm not sure if I've read about it around here though. Anyway, this feels great too.

Increased intuition and revelation mostly makes it self known in relation to reading and translations, I still consider my self fairly lost in relation to the world.

Another attainment is probably some deep identity crisis, where previously the ego would have to go, but now it seems I - the observer - is "false" too. So it seems. Strange.

But the most important attainment for me is to always have access to bliss, joy and equanimity. That way the suffering and hard ship of daily living gets to be lifted off, at least while in meditation.

Maybe the most miraculous thing is that I'm freed of a lot of addictions and addictive behavior. The idea is so simple. Just cultivate a pleasure that is not of the senses, so that you will not have to import addictive pleasure. "Be in the world, but not of the world".

Thanks for reading. It feels sort of strange to put these things down in black and white and actually expect people to understand.

And much thanks to Jhanananda and the GWV. It's truly an invaluable piece of work.

Love and blessing to all.

[Alexander]

My first, early experience with meditation and eternity was not a pleasant one. Due to a family collapse I was left alone in a very distracting state, and when I should have been falling a sleep at night, fear and anxiety would have me in it's grip with no one around to comfort me. I new in my intuition that this was wrong, life was not suppose to be like this, and I wanted to start over. I also knew (i.e. believed) this was impossible (because time only moves forward) and that would force me to contemplate death, annihilation, eternity in space and time. But from a deeply distressed state. As soon as I would close my eyes the darkness would turn into eternity and I into nothingness and this would scare me into panic and was very unpleasant.

I do not know how other people deal with the impermanence, stress, and vanity of life, without becoming frustrated and done with it like we do. In a different world, maybe, it could be possible to derive happiness from the right alignment of external circumstances. But not in this one. Especially when even the best pleasures of this world are underwhelming. Fortunately - all the assaults and bombardment from the world build what is immaterial in us, and push us toward that Real kingdom.

Another attainment is probably some deep identity crisis, where previously the ego would have to go, but now it seems I - the observer - is "false" too. So it seems. Strange.

You're probably faring better than I am, then. I've been reading some of Ramana Maharshi's quotes about the unreality of the self or I. But taking that final plunge and destroying yourself, destroying that individuated "I" or mind, is difficult.

I have no religious background at all, but read a book about Buddhism at the age of 19

So would you say you went through the phases of stream-winner, once-returner, etc as you grew up? And it is interesting how fate works on some people even in isolation; with how people inherit the momentum or attainments from their former lifetimes.

[mapeli]

I do not know how other people deal with the impermanence, stress, and vanity of life, without becoming frustrated and done with it like we do. In a different world, maybe, it could be possible to derive happiness from the right alignment of external circumstances. But not in this one. Especially when even the best pleasures of this world are underwhelming. Fortunately - all the assaults and bombardment from the world build what is immaterial in us, and push us toward that Real kingdom.

I agree, and well put. Anything that leads up to something really nice, must have been ... terrible?

Another attainment is probably some deep identity crisis, where previously the ego would have to go, but now it seems I - the observer - is "false" too. So it seems. Strange.

You're probably faring better than I am, then. I've been reading some of Ramana Maharshi's quotes about the unreality of the self or I. But taking that final plunge and destroying yourself, destroying that individuated "I" or mind, is difficult.

Ah but then immediately stop trying. It's more comical than that. A realization, followed by a chuckle. A thing wanting itself not to exist seems to be in tension, but a thing realizing it doesn't exist can maybe find some rest in the paradox. But we should probably ask someone else. 

I have no religious background at all, but read a book about Buddhism at the age of 19

So would you say you went through the phases of stream-winner, once-returner, etc as you grew up? And it is interesting how fate works on some people even in isolation; with how people inherit the momentum or attainments from their former lifetimes.

Absolutely no idea. Probably not. Bliss and joy were very rare back then. The book sucked but I think I got the message. I'm not sure I understand the classifications, nor how I would inherit attainments, but it would be cool to find out.

Thank you for your reply, and for sharing your thoughts.

[Jhanananda]

It feels a bit strange to write about my contemplative history openly, but I realize I enjoy and even benefit from all those I've read and I would like to give back. It also seems this great community is comfortable enough with these things, for me to be comfortable too. I'm not a native English speaker (nor writer) but I will have faith that the message will get through.

Welcome, mapeli, and thank-you for posting your case history here.  Even though writing, or speaking, about one's contemplative life is the quickest way to get marginalized in any religion, I too found a great deal of inspiration, and guidance, from reading the biographies of mystics.  So, your story is most welcome here.  I am; however, sorry that you were inadvertently banned.  I am sure it was all just a mistake.  Anyway all of the bans have been lifted.  Hopefully it does not turn into a SPAM fest.

My first, early experience with meditation and eternity was not a pleasant one. Due to a family collapse I was left alone in a very distracting state, and when I should have been falling a sleep at night, fear and anxiety would have me in it's grip with no one around to comfort me. I new in my intuition that this was wrong, life was not suppose to be like this, and I wanted to start over. I also knew (i.e. believed) this was impossible (because time only moves forward) and that would force me to contemplate death, annihilation, eternity in space and time. But from a deeply distressed state. As soon as I would close my eyes the darkness would turn into eternity and I into nothingness and this would scare me into panic and was very unpleasant. I remember racing through space thinking I would not find my way back. So, I learned to meditate my mind by visualizing something (so that it wouldn't be completely dark) and then tune out the intensity of concentration enough to fall to sleep but not enough to fall into panic. I wish the simple idea of the  jhanas would have fallen upon my mind back then. I was four or five years old.

It is all too sad that all of the religions have lost jhana and its equivalent, because so many would have found peace in this howling hell-plane.  However, it is indeed possible that it was the adversities that you, and I and John of the Cross, and so many other mystics, found peace in spiritual depths.

Some time later I was basically keeping my mind in check most of the time, counting or thinking about certain things not to let my mind race. Still no pleasantness though, but I certainly enjoyed quietude and harmony where ever I found it, and could hardly stand the aggressive randomness of my peers.

I have no religious background at all, but read a book about Buddhism at the age of 19 but did not pick up anything about pleasant meditation. Some years later I started doing yoga and had my first ecstatic meditative experiences. I realized I could actually ask my heart things and get immediate responses but that was quickly followed by the realization that I have no questions to ask. I have not been curious since.

Genuine spiritual attainment is so fulfilling that we find we crave nothing.

Around that time I got introduced to the GWV and Jhananandas clear teachings. But mostly, in the beginning, the claim of this guy to remain conscious during sleep. This was something else. I read most of the articles straight away but nut until a couple of years later had their truth grown upon me enough for me to buckle up and start practice what was written in a rigorous and serious way.

Besides the pull of the teachings, the primary driving force for me, besides the suffering and hardship of life, was the dark night of the soul. It has it's own pull and it's own transitions, that have been so clearly expound upon in the video series. I recognized this happening almost before I understood that the ecstasies were going on.

What happened was, as my practice and aspirations began to emerge, I felt a stronger disconnect (i didn't think that was possible) with careerish society and got more and more desperate, because I realized that life in the office wad growing unbearable. So I started working more and harder in order to grab a pile of money and then turn away and live the holy life. This, of course, failed miserably. But working more and more in a high concentration but calm occupation (software development) made me start develop bliss and joy so at least I would have a nice time. But that would put me in the first jhana and after a while my mind would go silent and I really couldn't start it up again. Peace at last, I'm not dropping this for anything.

There was a time, when I too thought I could make lots of money, which would give me the financial freedom to become more rigorous in my contemplative life, but it just came with more stress, and anxiety.  So, then I too found a way to work less, and live simply.  My life just kept getting more simple, until I now live off the food bank, make my own fuel, and stay as far from other humans as I can.

But, from the perspective of the world I seemed to just drift away into depression or something. And when I was approached and interacted with I would truly sound miserable, desperate and lost. But I would be really happy when just left alone. I never was able to explain this to anybody. I would try to say something about my blissful inn life but It seemed like I was lying as the tears and pains of the night were reigning the outer part of my personality and life. Oh the ironies and contradictions...

Now a days I meditate at least the first and last thing of each day, as recommended, but the Jhanas are definitely deepened and clearer when I do more sessions and recalls during the day. I have a hard time reading or doing anything requiring stillness and concentration without drifting off into the bliss, which I mostly feel immediately upon closing my eyes. I still have lots of practice to do though, and need to develop the forth jhana more. I long for more of that intense energy. [more to come in next post]

I have found the deeper I meditate on a consistent basis the less craving I have.  It is good that you found the same thing.

[Jhanananda]

Some time later, during meditation, I surrendered all my worldly aspirations, plans and wishes, all my dreams and relations and surrendered to the darkness. I would search out all graspings and aversions and face them and give them up, and relax all bodily tension I would find. I did not expect anything but after a while I saw a light. That talked to me and introduced it self with a biblical name. It came upon me and I felt held by God (the aura I suppose), I was struck by the light and then I got a visitation from Jesus Christ. I was lifted out of my body and somehow I came back. I cried of joy and my life has not been the same since. Very surprising. Very blissful. Lots as lots of powerful love. It turned out that the light actually do shine in the darkness...

The negotiating of my awakening has gone almost automatically since then. Life has become more pleasant in many ways, but I still just want to sit in silence most of the time and have a hard time being around people too much. I have had a couple more kundalini-experiences but mostly in my sleep, where I would wake up feeling like I almost had crushed my own teeth from the energy and my whole body would glow. That annihilation in white light had happened to me earlier as well, long before I knew what it was about.

As of attainments and signs, going by what I have recognized from the GWV, I have been enjoying visual charisms of orbs moving around and flashes of light for some time. They always remind me of the divine and brings joy. The heavenly choir has been singing for sometime too, but are still changing and developing. My favorite is the star trek-ish sounds someone else on this forum mentioned.
For some time I have been unable to find balance even when just standing still, I cant seem to have both feet rest properly on the ground or something, but recently the kinestetic charisms have started to manifest in my sits too, and it feels great. I get why this is called euphoria.
I also just recently started having the sensation of something like oil on the top of my head and especially over the temples and I recall the terminology of the annointment from the Bible. Of course I would be burned for claiming something as silly as being one of the Lords annointed, but I'm just pointing out the sensations came, and there seem to be references to it in sacred literature. I'm not sure if I've read about it around here though. Anyway, this feels great too.

Increased intuition and revelation mostly makes it self known in relation to reading and translations, I still consider my self fairly lost in relation to the world.

Another attainment is probably some deep identity crisis, where previously the ego would have to go, but now it seems I - the observer - is "false" too. So it seems. Strange.

But the most important attainment for me is to always have access to bliss, joy and equanimity. That way the suffering and hard ship of daily living gets to be lifted off, at least while in meditation.

These are all excellent signs of genuine attainment from a rigorous, self-aware contemplative life.  Additionally, the direct teaching with the mystics of the past, such as: Siddhartha Gautama, Jesus, Krishna, etc., which I have received, are common for rigorous, self-aware contemplatives, such as yourself, and myself.

The feeling of oil upon your head is a classic description of the opening of the crown chakra.  I agree with your assessment that it is like the "anointing" of oil, such as Jesus might have experienced, which led him to believe that he was "chosen," which is what the terms, "christ,' and 'messiah' refer to.  I believe all of the charisms that the mystics on this forum describe are aspects of the manifestation of what the Bible and Gospels describe as the presence of the Holy Spirit, or 'shekinah,' as it is known in Hebrew.

Maybe the most miraculous thing is that I'm freed of a lot of addictions and addictive behavior. The idea is so simple. Just cultivate a pleasure that is not of the senses, so that you will not have to import addictive pleasure. "Be in the world, but not of the world".

Thanks for reading. It feels sort of strange to put these things down in black and white and actually expect people to understand.

And much thanks to Jhanananda and the GWV. It's truly an invaluable piece of work.

Love and blessing to all.

One of the things I like most about the suttas is the 4 levels of attainment are specifically defined in freedom from the hindrances or what we call today 'addictions.'  And, as you report here, and as I too have found, that a disciplined, rigorous, self-aware, contemplative life, that bares the fruit of attainment, also bares the fruit of liberation (vimokha) from addictive behavior.

Welcome to this forum.  I look forward to reading more of your contributions.