Rougeleader (beginner)

[Jhanananda]

Thank-you, Josh, for posting your interesting points of view, which I shared for many years.  Just be prepared for your sense of self to change as you deepen your contemplative life.

[rougeleader115]

I want to say thank you both for replying to my last post.

When i started this path about 7 years ago, I felt very similar to you Josh. But this world and the people who inhabit it make this life more of a hellish drag than it should be. As much as I aspire to to live the householder contemplative lifestyle, I feel like more of a monk at heart, with no temple to reside at and no fellow monks to sit with. The further I have gone down this path, the more disjunctive I feel in relation to my body, mind, and personality. To be a monk to me does not at all mean that we need to forsake these things.They have never stopped existing no matter how far removed I feel from them. They have just been shown to me to not have the same strength of substance or truth as my awareness/consciousness feels to me. I truly feel like an ancient or timeless entity residing in the home of my body, which contains a mind and an inherent personality.

It is not that I do not find these things useful and amazing in their own right, they are just not seen as important to me in comparison to the bliss and solidarity I find in deep meditation. I feel like my personality is more of a culmination of past experiences and reactions to make me move how I do in this present moment. It is unique and beautiful in its own right, but not at the same time. It feels like all of life is just that, without a direct purpose. This may seem like a negative or solemn view to have, but it has seriously freed me from so much of my anxieties about existence, life, death, god. I do not feel the need to worry, and instead simply feel inquisitive about various topics, but no longer feel like I am searching for the meaning of life or what my purpose is. It feels irrelevant in the overall picture, and most likely is. I feel like my only purpose is to dive deeper and cleanse my psyche and awareness of attachment to this never ending spiral of body, mind, and world. It has all occurred naturally through the experiences I continue to have and the heavy loads of daily bliss, that I feel such detachment.

But I cannot state enough how much bliss and happiness resides in my body and heart, regardless of all the hellish things this domain presents. And knowing that I may live and die without much purpose. That is something I am finding the average person never even experiences. Most of them only know anxiety and neuroticism, with brief moments of quiet.  And when they ask me for help, they often times get angry that I would ask them to let some of their concerns go and dive deep, at least give it a shot. Instead I find a lot of people tend to fight to keep their anxieties spinning so that they can continue to feel something solid about their existence, even though that is the very reason they fret. I am not trying to dismiss their problems and anxieties, as I have/had them too, but I feel like I have found(all due to Jhanananda) a truly wholesome way to manage a lot of internal strife and find a true sense of happiness not based solely on my circumstances or achievements. I am still diving to find the white light, but the bliss is ever deepening and strong and the ringing in my ears blasts loud and clear when I am saturated, so I know I am headed the right way.

Best Wishes
Rougeleader

[Jhanananda]

Rougeleader, I am so happy to see the progress that you have made.  Yes, we mystics become more, and more alienated by the world, and often through history we see solo monks rarely meeting a fellow mystic.  We can thank modernism, and the internet for one great gift to mysticism.  It allows us, who are thinly spread out all over the planet, to find each other, and commune here.  Do keep up the excellent work in this hellish world, because future mystics depend upon all of us here to complete the journey.

[rougeleader115]

Hello friends,

Im reporting quickly just to get some of what I have been going through out.

I can feel that I am definitely going through some kind of shift. I think it is a mixture of my personal maturity and my contemplative maturity. But I am feeling such and an intense change in my perceptions these past 2 months. My birthday is coming this weekend and for the past two months, I have felt as if I have been at an extended retreat. Or how I felt when i first began meditating seriously. I have been overwhelmed with energy, day and night. Usually it waxes and wanes in a loving playful way that keeps me relaxed and feeling continuely blissful and content almost all of the time. But lately it has been on full blast nonstop. The energy feels like it is seeping out of my nostrils and beaming out of my head. I feel this bliss dripping down my throat and raining on my heart. It feels like im in the center of a whirlwind of this blissful energy and it has barely eased at all since starting work. I feel as though i am meditating so naturally because of the simple manual work that i do, keeps me active enough without engaging my mind as much.

I think at any time before this in my practice, i would be beyond terrified. I would be certain i was going crazy with this much intensity. But I feel the need the just keep submitting. I am the one pushing the pace usually it feels like to some degree. i stop when it is too much, and dive deep when my soul calls for freedom. But i feel taken lately. I feel like i have to give myself internally because i am being burned beyond my capacity. It feels beautiful and scary and so deeply bonding of a relationship. I feel like im tangled in love and im sky high about to fall, but it seems impossible to avoid. Its such a strange feeling and I have been trying to process my thoughts about it, so I felt the need to type some of it here. I have never felt "religious" necessarily until the beginning of 2019, and it has just blossomed in my heart. I sense a connection to "god" even though I have not had a full on kundalini blast for a few years. I can just tell this is an opening to whatever is next for me and I am trying to keep my heart open, and my fears relaxed. It has been so difficult to sleep, and i still have very lucid dreams every time i rest my body all night long. I do not get to nap as often but it is the same.

Any way, this is all I can type up at this time. Hopefully my next update will be sooner. I wish you all the best letting go into whatever levels you find yourselves at. I will be trying my best to do the same.

Best Wishes,
Rougeleader

[Jhanananda]

Clearly, Rougeleader, you are making excellent progress.  I am certain if you keep going as you are, then the bliss, joy and ecstasy that you are experiencing now will only deepen, and become more profound.  So, keep up the good work.

[rougeleader115]

Thank you Jhanananda!

[Alexander]

I am happy for you Rougeleader. :) Unfortunately it is very painful for me to read these as my practice has not led to the same results.

[Naman]

 
I m happy for you. Keep up.

Hello friends,

Im reporting quickly just to get some of what I have been going through out.

I can feel that I am definitely going through some kind of shift. I think it is a mixture of my personal maturity and my contemplative maturity. But I am feeling such and an intense change in my perceptions these past 2 months. My birthday is coming this weekend and for the past two months, I have felt as if I have been at an extended retreat. Or how I felt when i first began meditating seriously. I have been overwhelmed with energy, day and night. Usually it waxes and wanes in a loving playful way that keeps me relaxed and feeling continuely blissful and content almost all of the time. But lately it has been on full blast nonstop. The energy feels like it is seeping out of my nostrils and beaming out of my head. I feel this bliss dripping down my throat and raining on my heart. It feels like im in the center of a whirlwind of this blissful energy and it has barely eased at all since starting work. I feel as though i am meditating so naturally because of the simple manual work that i do, keeps me active enough without engaging my mind as much.

I think at any time before this in my practice, i would be beyond terrified. I would be certain i was going crazy with this much intensity. But I feel the need the just keep submitting. I am the one pushing the pace usually it feels like to some degree. i stop when it is too much, and dive deep when my soul calls for freedom. But i feel taken lately. I feel like i have to give myself internally because i am being burned beyond my capacity. It feels beautiful and scary and so deeply bonding of a relationship. I feel like im tangled in love and im sky high about to fall, but it seems impossible to avoid. Its such a strange feeling and I have been trying to process my thoughts about it, so I felt the need to type some of it here. I have never felt "religious" necessarily until the beginning of 2019, and it has just blossomed in my heart. I sense a connection to "god" even though I have not had a full on kundalini blast for a few years. I can just tell this is an opening to whatever is next for me and I am trying to keep my heart open, and my fears relaxed. It has been so difficult to sleep, and i still have very lucid dreams every time i rest my body all night long. I do not get to nap as often but it is the same.

Any way, this is all I can type up at this time. Hopefully my next update will be sooner. I wish you all the best letting go into whatever levels you find yourselves at. I will be trying my best to do the same.

Best Wishes,
Rougeleader

[rougeleader115]

Thank you all friends for encouraging me forward.

Alexander, I am sorry to hear that your practice has not been as fruitful as you wish. I hope you do not take it personally. I am sure it is but a matter of time. I do not have many of the experiences that i have read from others on this forum. The light charism is also nonexistent for me, so i often feel like i am still in the "dark" in my spiritual practice. I take Jhanananda's words to heart that each person may have their own experience of the sacred, and not everyone will have all the charisms. But that it does not detract from their progress. I am simply trying to say, i hope you do not give up. I wish for my experiences to do nothing more than encourage others to explore deeper themselves and to know they are not alone. I do often think of you and your practice, and i think you have been very dedicated and disciplined. So i am wishing you the very best in finding the depth you are looking for.

Best Wishes
Rougeleader

[rougeleader115]

Hello friends,

I am here again to state how absolutely intense and attention grabbing this energy is getting. At times it is so heavy i feel like the air around me is just saturated in blissful energy. Like i breathe in and it is blasting through my nostrils and brain, all in my mouth and jaw, down my neck and throat, exploding in my heart and lungs, and making my abdomen swirl with butterflies. My arms and legs and feet and hands are just lit and almost trembling with energy. I find any moment i find alone, i am able to go deep into meditation quickly. My mind just gets lost in all of this energy and loud but "joyful" ringing. It feels like i can "feel" the ringing inside as a tacticle sensation throughout my whole body. I am trying to say that the charisms i experience feel like one thing "inside" of me. Both the tactile energy and ringing feel like they are in the space around me, but almost boundless, my body feels like the framework im holding onto to keep myself centered in the whirlwind of energy i feel all around and through me.

If you have seen Dragon Ball Z, an pretty popular anime, i feel like a super sayian all of the time, even when my body and mind are completely exhausted and stressed out, i still feel this energy blasting out of me. As i said at least at this point in my practice i dont feel crazy necessarily. I just feel overstimulated in a way that i definitely have to continully submit internally, my psyche and such, and relax my physical twithes and contractions from the intensity. I know what i say isnt new in the language ive used, but the experience of all of this truly has deepened incredibly over the years. And lately i wish i could just transfer this energy into people so they could feel how intense this can be, and how i experience my life while trying to live a laymens life. It is nuts sometimes, and i just wish ididnt feel like people around have no clue what i am going through and judge me from what they get in my behavior only. Im going through stuff people! Lol. Thank you guys. Till next time.

Best wishes
Rougeleader

[Jhanananda]

You are doing very well, Rougeleader.  Just do whatever you have to to keep it present with you, because if you do, then it will get even better.  To go this deep and deeper one will have to make meditating deeply a full-time practice.

[bodhimind]

Hello friends,

I am here again to state how absolutely intense and attention grabbing this energy is getting. At times it is so heavy i feel like the air around me is just saturated in blissful energy. Like i breathe in and it is blasting through my nostrils and brain, all in my mouth and jaw, down my neck and throat, exploding in my heart and lungs, and making my abdomen swirl with butterflies. My arms and legs and feet and hands are just lit and almost trembling with energy. I find any moment i find alone, i am able to go deep into meditation quickly. My mind just gets lost in all of this energy and loud but "joyful" ringing. It feels like i can "feel" the ringing inside as a tacticle sensation throughout my whole body. I am trying to say that the charisms i experience feel like one thing "inside" of me. Both the tactile energy and ringing feel like they are in the space around me, but almost boundless, my body feels like the framework im holding onto to keep myself centered in the whirlwind of energy i feel all around and through me.

If you have seen Dragon Ball Z, an pretty popular anime, i feel like a super sayian all of the time, even when my body and mind are completely exhausted and stressed out, i still feel this energy blasting out of me. As i said at least at this point in my practice i dont feel crazy necessarily. I just feel overstimulated in a way that i definitely have to continully submit internally, my psyche and such, and relax my physical twithes and contractions from the intensity. I know what i say isnt new in the language ive used, but the experience of all of this truly has deepened incredibly over the years. And lately i wish i could just transfer this energy into people so they could feel how intense this can be, and how i experience my life while trying to live a laymens life. It is nuts sometimes, and i just wish ididnt feel like people around have no clue what i am going through and judge me from what they get in my behavior only. Im going through stuff people! Lol. Thank you guys. Till next time.

Best wishes
Rougeleader

I like how you said "ringing inside the whole body" - it points towards that "One Unified Sense" that I experienced too. Almost like synaesthesia, like a blending of all the different sense modalities into one pure single 'eye'. The charisms are what I seek solace in during busy life. The auditory charism in particular, seems to give me an endless source of energy and vitality along with blissfulness.

[Jhanananda]

Yes, friends, this is the path of the mystic, whereby we occupy our self, more and more with the charisms (jhana-nimitta), which results in more and more bliss.  You both have found the path, now just keep going deeper.

[rougeleader115]

Friends,

I am at such a strange place in my life. I feel it. I feel the pull in my heart all day and all night. For the past 2 years, I have been gripped by the bliss, love, tranquility, and passion. I feel like i cant see straight, i feel so taken in my senses. So many days feel like a beautiful dream. And the stressors of life feel like a reinforced nightmare that I see through, even if it makes me stir sometimes. Lately i just want to sing or dance, touch my fellow humans, hear and feel the vibrations of joy expressing through them. I want to remain sunken and deep in love. I want to love and dance with everyone. And the pain, this great seething pain that used to come from the fear of death, and the suffering of life, now feels like the pain of a missed song and dance. Like a sunny day gone before i ever see the rays and feel its warmth. Like something so simple that is turning into a blessed love inside of me, that i cant share with anyone. Everyone around me shackled and frowning, tears everywhere. And i just want them to know. I want them to be free. I want them to feel the winds of god blow through them, and liven their hearts and souls. I want them to feel the fiery dragon like passion that this life was supposed to be. Im so tired of frowning with them. Im tired of playing this sad part. My time is nothing, and i know death is coming so quickly. I hope i can reconcile these feelings with this life I am trying to live. It gnaws at me so often.

Best Wishes,
Rougeleader

[Jhanananda]

Hello, Rougeleader.  I hear your conflict, and I haw shared it.  I have come to realize that the confusion and fear that many of us experience is the inherent conflict between biology and spirit.  biology is driven by the biological imperatives of subsistence, reproduction and survival; whereas, spirit unites us all in love, bliss and joy.  I have found as long as I attend to spirit then I will have bliss, joy and ecstasy; whereas, when I attend to biology, then I will be filled with fear, insecurity, and craving and covetousness.