In search of understanding...

[Cal]

Do you ever just feel exhausted or spent? Too often lately do I find that I understand nothing at all. The effort needed to continue holding  on to any kind of mindset, or idea is utterly pointless, as it only serves to drain me. It's become almost impossible to balance. I think this is the work of the charisms, and I do hold much gratitude for their relentlessness. I also think that this is the path and what is meant to be accomplished through them. I think that returning to meditation time and again can relieve this pain. I think that they wish for surrender. But truth be told....the only thing for certain is that I do not know.

I'm so angry lately. The spiritual, life, worldly requisites, the wife, kids and those I have reached out too DO NOT cooperate well. These "visits" at night exhaust me even more. I do not feel rested, or that there is peace to be found. My thoughts are ugly and untamed. My discipline is nothing more than a plastic bag in the wind. When I attempt to restrain myself in anyway, my thoughts of what I attempt to restrain consume me. When I attempt to meditate at depth my body will move of its own accord. It will literally roll over onto a side in meditation before bed, even when I thought I had resolved to continue with meditation. There is a rift within me between body and soul with no harmony.

What bothers me is that I missed it coming about, I was not aware of it. Unlike similar experiences in the past, the charisms are still with me always. I hear them feel them breathe them now; but it's not enough anymore. The other night the feeling of unity came over me. For reasons completely unknown to me this "unity" was in regards to what has been the biggest struggle of my adult life. I have been resolved in relinquish, I had begun planning, I felt an air of freedom from it. I began to relish the thought of peace and solitude. Then this "unity" came over me. Why must I endure this? When is enough, enough? I cannot turn away from this guidance...but it is, in part, what angers me. My wife tells me, as she wakes up from sleep while I am meditating, after exhibiting kriya like movements for at least 20 mins prior, all the while frustrating me during meditation, then that her body feels like it itches everywhere and that shes hot, on fire hot. So you see, I cannot walk away. This "unity" makes sense. I know why it is asked of me. But fuck man, I just want peace =(.

As to the image above, the only correlation that I have with it is in a flooding of information I received after deep meditation. To be perfectly honest, the amount of information was too much and I do not even recall a fraction of it. When passing by this image, I got a feeling, and it came back to that information flooding somehow. But I'm just too deflated right now to try and understand why =(, so I shared the image thinking it's place was better here. In the future, I can attempt to put more time into these kinds of posts, instead of just dumping them like this.

[bodhimind]

Do you ever just feel exhausted or spent? Too often lately do I find that I understand nothing at all. The effort needed to continue holding  on to any kind of mindset, or idea is utterly pointless, as it only serves to drain me. It's become almost impossible to balance. I think this is the work of the charisms, and I do hold much gratitude for their relentlessness. I also think that this is the path and what is meant to be accomplished through them. I think that returning to meditation time and again can relieve this pain. I think that they wish for surrender. But truth be told....the only thing for certain is that I do not know.

I do feel this too. And I find that doing sati on my body through moving exercises like walking or standing meditation seems to help me a lot. I don't know if it can help for you. I just find that keeping equanimity within helps me most, like you said... peace.

Desire feels like some kind of fire to me. It really does burn. I've learnt this the hard way recently and I realize that any pleasurable experience can only be pleasurable with a background of pain... So really to retreat and calm the mind again and again has been my week-long endeavor. To attend to the charisms... I admit that I haven't done it as intensely and I've been ensnared by mara, but I am constantly pulling myself back... I guess that's why sila, discipline, is part of the N8P. It's a constant effort...

It kind of feels as if I'm trying to hold onto a buoy and make it not move, even though the waves of the ocean are constantly pushing it up and down. The tension, the resistance, I realize is because I'm trying to oppose the natural way of how things are, through my mental fabrications... I'm still learning and I too, realize that I really don't know anything. All I can do is to do my best in upholding the N8P...

This world really burns. It can seem beautiful sometimes, I admit... There are times where I become really grateful for everything, feeling as if I was unified and expansive. Then there are also times where I feel like extending outwards drains me, trying to reach and constantly achieve something drains me...

[Jhanananda]

...I just want peace...

Just attend to the charisms, and keep the mind still.  That is all any mystic need do.

... So really to retreat and calm the mind again and again has been my week-long endeavor. To attend to the charisms...

Good work.

[Cal]

Can anyone recall what its like to catch a plastic bag in a windstorm? The bag will flare up with the wind-burst and run away. You chase after it, because you need this bag, it will hold something for you at a later time. You get just within grasp of the fucker and another wind-burst carries it away once again. It comes to a point where one must sprint after it and stomp on it just to keep hold of it. Even then, if firm grasp isnt held on this bag, the next wind-burst could carry it out of grasp once again.

Now imagine this bag is the size of a parachute. It can comfort you, or provide warmth, like a blanket. It can shelter you from the rain or snow; become your home. Now imagine firm grasp on this bag in a hell of a windstorm. It could slam you around or become hung up on a tree; leaving your feet dangling and unable to touch the ground. It could carry you on the currents of the wind as far as the eye could see and beyond. If you do not know that the wind storm is coming, all you can do is be swept away, left at its mercy until it subsides; or you can let go. If you do know it's coming, and for reasons that seem absurd, decide to stay; what then? Do you pack it up neatly and tuck it away, leave it stored away until it is needed again? Do you let it go? Or do you hold onto it and prepare for the beating?

The wind storm will always come.

[Jhanananda]

Good metaphor, Cal.  We should always keep this in mind when we lose track of the charisms and have trouble returning to them.  The world and the mind are like a howling wind, so do not get caught up into them.

[Cal]

I know in the past I have put emphasis on locations across the world. I was reading an article http://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/royal-road-king-world-and-ancient-center-earth-005162 on the Royal Road and the Ancient center of the earth. Sedona, AZ, happened to be a location included in this article. I found it interesting that you live in Sedona haha.

What made you choose Sedona, Jeff? I know in the past I have had a feeling to certain places, holy place even. Much like the pyramids and ancient temples across the world have certain astrological alignments etc. I have felt there to be some significance, especially in iconography, in some of these locations. This fascinated me a great deal in the earliest parts after my awakening.

Radon and diabetes aside, what makes Sedona special? I'd like to think that after getting to know you, youre not one to waste effort needlessly, so I would think there is something and that you chose Sedona as your place of residence.

Apologies if I presume too much, as climate is probably a factor as well.

[Jhanananda]

I know in the past I have put emphasis on locations across the world. I was reading an article http://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/royal-road-king-world-and-ancient-center-earth-005162 on the Royal Road and the Ancient center of the earth. Sedona, AZ, happened to be a location included in this article. I found it interesting that you live in Sedona haha...

I know in the past I have had a feeling to certain places, holy place even. Much like the pyramids and ancient temples across the world have certain astrological alignments etc. I have felt there to be some significance, especially in iconography, in some of these locations. This fascinated me a great deal in the earliest parts after my awakening.

Radon and diabetes aside, what makes Sedona special? I'd like to think that after getting to know you, youre not one to waste effort needlessly, so I would think there is something and that you chose Sedona as your place of residence.

Apologies if I presume too much, as climate is probably a factor as well.

Wherever a genuine mystic walks is sacred ground.  All other claims are just marketing hype, like Sedona's so-called vortexes, makes the place nothing more than a New-Age theme park.

What made you choose Sedona, Jeff?

I did not chose Sedona.  It was chosen for me by someone who claimed he was interested in funding my research.  I believe he just wanted to tell single women that he funded an alternative energy research lab in Sedona. 

Living in Sedona nearly broke me.

[Cal]

I know in the past I have put emphasis on locations across the world. I was reading an article http://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/royal-road-king-world-and-ancient-center-earth-005162 on the Royal Road and the Ancient center of the earth. Sedona, AZ, happened to be a location included in this article. I found it interesting that you live in Sedona haha...

I know in the past I have had a feeling to certain places, holy place even. Much like the pyramids and ancient temples across the world have certain astrological alignments etc. I have felt there to be some significance, especially in iconography, in some of these locations. This fascinated me a great deal in the earliest parts after my awakening.

Radon and diabetes aside, what makes Sedona special? I'd like to think that after getting to know you, youre not one to waste effort needlessly, so I would think there is something and that you chose Sedona as your place of residence.

Apologies if I presume too much, as climate is probably a factor as well.

Wherever a genuine mystic walks is sacred ground.  All other claims are just marketing hype, like Sedona's so-called vortexes, makes the place nothing more than a New-Age theme park.

lol I see.

What made you choose Sedona, Jeff?

I did not chose Sedona.  It was chosen for me by someone who claimed he was interested in funding my research.  I believe he just wanted to tell single women that he funded an alternative energy research lab in Sedona. 

Living in Sedona nearly broke me.

I'm sorry to hear this =( I recall you speaking before about abusive neighbors and such.

Ok, I'll trash this idea then haha.

[Cal]

Shortly after beginning to see images, shapes, "static", and golden lights in meditation I began to think of the stars as a roadmap to the inner magic that is the charisms. I had thought that they were God's way of leaving a permanent example of what to look for. So often, I find myself gazing upward at night, as it just seems so much more pristine and clear than in meditation.

But now, I think I may have gotten that backwards.

"Look, you have been told everything. Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star." Judas lifted up his eyes and saw the luminous cloud, and he entered it."

Even after reading this I still thought "Man, he MUST be speaking about the OOBE and meditation." I even feel a correlation in "the star that leads the way is your star" to the Kasina. I have always felt that the Kasina is a very intimate part of myself. The luminous cloud and the surrounding stars is something that I get hung up on though. As during the day, in deep meditation, I see a golden hued luminous cloud that breaks through the dark back-drop before it forms a Kasina and whisks away... But at night, I see it a bit differently, its more like a dark back-drop full of sparkles, or static (like from a TV with poor connection), or even stars. So how could they be there at the same time?

While reading here on the forum I came across an excellent essay written by Jhanananda http://www.greatwesternvehicle.org/non-materialdomains.htm that put this topic into a clearer perspective; or rather turned it upon its head haha, as now I need to rethink many things.

[Jhanananda]

I agree, Cal. I found when reading ancient religious, or contemplative, literature in translation that the translations might not be quite right, especially when it comes to descriptions of the religious experience.  So, like you, I found the quote in the gospel of Judas, and the book of Ezekiel, better explained by my interior experience of the OOBE, Kasina, etc. than as examples of alien space ships.

I also agree with you that the stars and moon in the night sky may very well have a subjective counterpart in our subjective interior world.

[Cal]

I am about to give the internet up all together. I'm getting so tired of being distracted by "sex". Every page a I visit there is an image of a half naked woman, and I can't help but let my thoughts wander. Having to remind myself that there is much more fulfilling aspects to this life than chasing tail has become tiresome. So, I think ill limit the time I spend "surfing".

Meditations lately have been fruitful, but painful. I have been focusing more on attending the charisms outside of meditation, rather than employing distractions, as in the past, this has helped get past what was making them painful. I'm at a point where something feels close, but just out of reach, I'm looking forward to learning what it is.

[Jhanananda]

I find when I keep my mind still, and my attention upon the charisms, then my mind become unshakable.  Perhaps you will find the same result. 

Please let us know what wonderful thing you find in greater depth of meditation.

[Cal]

I find little evidence that any of the Egyptian pharaohs, or their priests, or their artists, had any experience in deep meditation.  What I see in past advanced cultures is a hegemonic leadership praying upon the peasants for wealth and power, and using a pretentious and hypocritical priesthood to facilitate that control.  Nonetheless, those who practice deep meditation and the OOBE might have such experiences as described by the painting.

I was reading the prologue to The Dark Night of the Soul and I found it interesting that John of the Cross placed some correlation in ancient Egyptian text "if we read them aright by the light flashed on them by the Kabbala". I found it interesting that he later noted that Jews actually originated from Egypt.

It left me pondering why I was stuck looking at this image that I had posted earlier, and thought to give it a second inspection. http://imgur.com/iM5LWtJ I added some notes to my contemplation of it, I am curious what others may think.

This is a quote from

14. Above, the gemmed azure is
The naked splendour of Nuit;
She bends in ecstasy to kiss
The secret ardours of Hadit.
The winged globe, the starry blue,
Are mine, O Ankh-af-na-khonsu!
15. Now ye shall know that the chosen priest & apostle of infinite space is the prince-priest the Beast; and in his woman called the Scarlet Woman is all power given. They shall gather my children into their fold: they shall bring the glory of the stars into the hearts of men.

16. For he is ever a sun, and she a moon. But to him is the winged secret flame, and to her the stooping starlight.

Now while I havent taken the time to actually look deeply into his ramblings, I do see some similarity here as well; and this isnt the only one that I see in this book.

Another thought is to the symbol on the moon, that I initially thought was the star of david, which points to the Jews, but later found it to be the Arabic Star of rub el hizb, which adorns the flag of several Islamic states, and may yet still point to the Jews.

There is also my own meditations and experiences with odd imagery and such that also correlates to this.

There were also feelings to watching videos of Egyptian architecture and iconography.
 
I think there is something to these ancient Egyptians, or rather at some point there was esoteric knowledge hidden in their scriptures/culture/architecture. While I cannot disagree with you or what you've found, Jeff, I can't help but notice how often something has lead me to exploring them.

I may eventually venture as far to say that their lifestyle was taught to them, but this will require much more research, and many more synchronicity's. And I don't mean by space aliens haha.   

[Jhanananda]

I was reading the prologue to The Dark Night of the Soul and I found it interesting that John of the Cross placed some correlation in ancient Egyptian text "if we read them aright by the light flashed on them by the Kabbala". I found it interesting that he later noted that Jews actually originated from Egypt.

The Kabbala is a Spanish mystical text that was written by a Jewish mystic, so it is not surprising that both Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross may have read it.  It is also likely that possession of the Kabbala was one of the books that would get one burned at the stake, like Teresa of Avila's grand father.

14. Above, the gemmed azure is
The naked splendour of Nuit;
She bends in ecstasy to kiss
The secret ardours of Hadit.
The winged globe, the starry blue,
Are mine, O Ankh-af-na-khonsu!
15. Now ye shall know that the chosen priest & apostle of infinite space is the prince-priest the Beast; and in his woman called the Scarlet Woman is all power given. They shall gather my children into their fold: they shall bring the glory of the stars into the hearts of men.

16. For he is ever a sun, and she a moon. But to him is the winged secret flame, and to her the stooping starlight.

The priest will be a reference to John of the Cross and the woman is a reference to Teresa of Avila.  The stars are what people believed were angles before Galileo pointed his telescope at the night sky and reported his findings.

Now while I havent taken the time to actually look deeply into his ramblings, I do see some similarity here as well; and this isnt the only one that I see in this book.

Another thought is to the symbol on the moon, that I initially thought was the star of david, which points to the Jews, but later found it to be the Arabic Star of rub el hizb, which adorns the flag of several Islamic states, and may yet still point to the Jews.

The star that you refer to is Venus.

There is also my own meditations and experiences with odd imagery and such that also correlates to this.

There were also feelings to watching videos of Egyptian architecture and iconography.
 
I think there is something to these ancient Egyptians, or rather at some point there was esoteric knowledge hidden in their scriptures/culture/architecture. While I cannot disagree with you or what you've found, Jeff, I can't help but notice how often something has lead me to exploring them.

I may eventually venture as far to say that their lifestyle was taught to them, but this will require much more research, and many more synchronicity's. And I don't mean by space aliens haha.

As an anthropologist who has studied mystics in a broad range of cultures, it is clear to me that every culture has its mystics.  The problem is every culture has its religion, with its pretentious priesthood, who invariably screw up the enlightened message of the mystic-founder; and the monumental religious architecture of the world only serves to reinforce that pretentious priesthood and the hegemonic ruler behind them, who funds the construction of monumental religious architecture.