Heart Tension

[Aaron]

I’m sorry to bring such a difficult discussion to this community.  I know we haven’t truly met yet but I have no one else to talk to.   

There is an overwhelming tension in my heart. It is prevalent feeling that has been with me daily for 7 weeks now, slowly increasing in strength.   I meditate with it an hour in the morning and an hour at night every day.  Sometimes it gets to difficult to bare during my day and I take additional time to meditate back to a reasonable level I can endure.  While meditating, I can reach a point of mind in which it’s no longer painful, if I reach 1st Jhana it disapears.. a releif but it is still there after my sit.   

I see this tension becomes stronger with thoughts of the future ; when I think about the direction of our country and culture ; when I think about my future financial sustainability ; when I consider returning to the corporate workforce ; when I try to identify the work that I should be doing with my spare time.  I’m choosing to not feed these thoughts, but the tension is still there.

When the tension is present, my intelligence is drained, my vocabulary out of reach. My ability to focus strained.  It’s hard to stay mindful and appreciative of the present moment.  I can’t complete any intellectual work as my mind is exhausted. 

I was so confident in my choice to live on the road, now I feel foolish and regret leaving my safe career.  This is another thought I choose to not have a conversation with. 

With this tension, I can’t enjoy time spent with friends.  I’m uncomfortable, anxious, restless, feel unwelcome and nervous.  The pain steals my joy , I can't recall information and it dulls my wit ; I have nothing to share with my loved ones.  As a result, I’ve isolated myself to avoid their misunderstandings, I fear damaging my relationships.

I’m  lost, with no confidence to continue my road trip. I know that my interaction with strangers will be tainted with this tension and no good will come from it.  Everyone is so full of fear, unless I’m full of compassion there is no way to overcome their negative assumptions why a single man is living on the road.

I fear living for another 30 years with this pain. It has become a major source of doubt and I'm questioning continuing the path.  What did I do in a past life to have this tension?  I’m mindful of my thoughts and actions. I still succumb to sensual pleasure on occasion but I never harm others. I’m a virtuous man and haven’t intentionally harmed another in my entire life, why do I suffer so greatly?

I consider returning to a career, yet now I have no desire for material gain, no desire for a family and consider a relationship to be a burden…  I pray for some type of guidance, but there is no answer.

I’m planning a month hermitage in the forest, hoping time alone will help this stage pass.  I accept this tension, I just wish it didn't impact my interaction with others so negatively.  I want to spread compassion and joy, yet I'm a big ball of anxiety...

Struggling,
Aaron

[Aaron]

Reading around this side of the forum tonight.  Seeing others in similar struggles helps....

Michael, thank you for this blog post, it's comforting to see this experience discussed.

http://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/dark-night-of-the-soul/

What is the best way to negotiate the Dark Night?

The best way — or, perhaps, the only way — is to keep moving forward, knowing that this, too, shall pass. One must have faith in the principle of impermanence, which leads to letting go of clinging. Though it may be counter-intuitive for a person to plunge headlong into the mouth of her or his most frightening demons, this is exactly what is required of the skillful and rigorous contemplative. Attack, attack, attack, as if each meditation is the last one. Open, open, open to whatever the Dark Night is throwing at us this time. Release, release, release from our resistance, letting go of our attachment to that resistance. One foot in front of the other, forward, forward, forward into the Dark Night… until a moment arises when that feeling of aloneness and helplessness is replaced by a knowingness that we were never truly alone, that some agency of transformation has been assisting, guiding and arranging our journey in an orderly manner, propelling us toward the other shore.

Keep meditating, keep accessing levels of absorption, become saturated throughout each day and night… and let the process work itself out through an Intelligence greater than our own.

Once we come to this realization of being propelled, third jhana is quickly established and we are able to engage the advanced stages of sadhana that seemed so enticing before we ever heard of the Dark Night of the Soul.

Only then are we ready for the real work, the true purpose for our existence.

[Michel]

You are overcome with the unwholesome states, the Five Hindrances. Get a sense of what they are and arouse the wholesome states instead.

Below are the key factors of the Noble Eightfold Path that you should get a sense of through study. You should be practicing them every moment throughout the day. So you've got a lot of studying to do. The Eightfold Path is discussed in great detail here: http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,555.0.html

6. Right Effort  (samma-vayama) 
Mundane:
1) to prevent unwholesome states from arising (the five hindrances/the ten defilements/the seven deadly sins)
2) to abandon unwholesome states that have arisen (the five hindrances/the ten defilements/seven deadly sins)
Supramundane:
1) to arouse wholesome states that have not yet arisen: serenity, equanimity, the brahma-viharas, insight, the four foundations of mindfulness, the noble eightfold path, etc. - especially to arouse the seven factors of enlightenment leading to jhana
2) to maintain and perfect wholesome states already arisen (also implies the cultivation of the 4 jhanas)

7. Right Mindfulness and self-awareness (samma-sati)  –  the four foundations of mindfulness:
1) mindful awareness of the body (kaya)
2) mindful awareness of feelings/sensations (vedana) - pleasant, unpleasant, neutral (the triggers for the three unwholesome roots: greed, aversion and delusion)
3) mindful awareness of moods (citta) - the six unwholesome and wholesome roots: greed, aversion and delusion, and their opposites: generosity, loving-kindness,wisdom
4) mindful awareness/contemplation/investigation of the Five Dhammas (dhammas):

The Five Hindrances - to be abandoned
The Five Clinging Aggregates - seen as arising and passing away, that they are impermanent, suffering & non-self
The Six-sense Bases - awareness of any fetter generated by them, that they are impermanent, suffering & non-self
The Seven Factors of Enlightenment - to be developed
The Four Noble Truths - to be utterly understood

8. Right Meditation (samma-samadhi) –  Four levels of  jhana or meditative absorptions
1) First Jhana: The first ecstasy (jhana): bliss (piiti) and joy (sukha) born from withdrawal, accompanied by applied and sustained attention (vitakka and vicára).
2) Second Jhana: With the stilling of applied and sustained attention (vitakka and vicára), one enters and remains in the second ecstasy (jhana): joy (sukha) and bliss (piiti) born of tranquility, unification of awareness free from applied and sustained attention (vitakka and vicára) with internal assurance.
3) Third Jhana: With the fading of joy one remains in equanimity, aware and alert, physically sensitive to bliss (piiti). One enters and remains in the third ecstasy (jhana), of which the Noble Ones declare, 'equanimous and aware, one has a pleasurable abiding'.
4) Fourth Jhana: With the abandoning of grasping and aversion for pleasure and pain (sukha and dukkha) -- as with the earlier disappearance of pleasure and pain -- one enters and remains in the fourth ecstasy (jhana): purity of equanimity and awareness, with neither pleasure nor pain. This is called right meditation."

I also find walking meditation to be very blissful. There are all sorts of ways to practice it. I just keep my attention on the feet.

[Jhanon]

I’m sorry to bring such a difficult discussion to this community.  I know we haven’t truly met yet but I have no one else to talk to.

This is what we are here for. There is no subject or content out of bounds here. If you look back on my early posts (I can't speak for the others), you'll see a lot of unpacking I went through. Jhana changes everything. Turns it upside down and inside out. This is a good thing, but at first it is very difficult.

There is an overwhelming tension in my heart. It is prevalent feeling that has been with me daily for 7 weeks now, slowly increasing in strength.

Tension or friction can only be present if there is resistance. This is sound logic, yes? You already know this, I think--but it's good to reaffirm. The good news is, something within you must be changing in order for their to be resistance--in order for there to be tension.

I meditate with it an hour in the morning and an hour at night every day.  Sometimes it gets to difficult to bare during my day and I take additional time to meditate back to a reasonable level I can endure.  While meditating, I can reach a point of mind in which it’s no longer painful, if I reach 1st Jhana it disapears.. a releif but it is still there after my sit.   

I am almost certain you are meditating beyond 1st jhana, considering how long you are meditating for. 1st jhana is fairly subtle, but it becomes obvious after a while. These are subtle states of letting go, which is why the tension dissipates the deeper into meditation you go.

Tell me--what would you say this 1st jhana is like for you? What kind of inner sensations do you feel? What kind of mindstate to you observe? What kind of external sensations do you feel?

I see this tension becomes stronger with thoughts of the future ; when I think about the direction of our country and culture ; when I think about my future financial sustainability ; when I consider returning to the corporate workforce ; when I try to identify the work that I should be doing with my spare time.  I’m choosing to not feed these thoughts, but the tension is still there.

Is it possible your heart is attempting to encompass more of existence than it did before? This seems logical based on your road trip and seeing so much and so many people lately. To have unconditional love, or universal love, is to feel the pain of many. That is where the love comes from. When we begin to feel this, there is often resistance at first.

When the tension is present, my intelligence is drained, my vocabulary out of reach. My ability to focus strained.  It’s hard to stay mindful and appreciative of the present moment.  I can’t complete any intellectual work as my mind is exhausted. 

This is indicative of the above statement I made. The path, the stream, it carries us along once we've entered it. Sometimes we try to swim against the current, and tension occurs. Our arms (mind) will soon become exhausted. Everything will become exhausted, until there is only one option remaining. Letting go. Deeper renunciation than previously thought possible.

I was so confident in my choice to live on the road, now I feel foolish and regret leaving my safe career.  This is another thought I choose to not have a conversation with. 

This is normal. You will be okay. Think of the ways you could be okay, if it helps for now. Or think of the many ways that anxiety about your career doesn't really matter. A deep jhana would really go a long way toward giving you this wider view-point. This can happen by letting go at a deeper level while meditating.

With this tension, I can’t enjoy time spent with friends.  I’m uncomfortable, anxious, restless, feel unwelcome and nervous.  The pain steals my joy , I can't recall information and it dulls my wit ; I have nothing to share with my loved ones.  As a result, I’ve isolated myself to avoid their misunderstandings, I fear damaging my relationships.

I think you're doing a good job by focusing on meditation. If you're patient, and endure, and continue to discuss your struggles, you'll come out of this with far greater equanimity and ability than before. Speaking in my own experience, I am far stronger than a year ago when I came to this forum. It works. You're on the the right path.

I’m  lost, with no confidence to continue my road trip. I know that my interaction with strangers will be tainted with this tension and no good will come from it.  Everyone is so full of fear, unless I’m full of compassion there is no way to overcome their negative assumptions why a single man is living on the road.

This is another indication that your arms are getting tired from swimming upstream, and your being encouraged to let go. Letting go will "coincidentally" lead you to much deeper and far more fulfilling meditation. You'll feel more alive than you ever have

I fear living for another 30 years with this pain. It has become a major source of doubt and I'm questioning continuing the path.  What did I do in a past life to have this tension?  I’m mindful of my thoughts and actions. I still succumb to sensual pleasure on occasion but I never harm others. I’m a virtuous man and haven’t intentionally harmed another in my entire life, why do I suffer so greatly?

This is more evidence of encouraging letting go. The tricky part is discovering the stuff we hid in the corner, the stuff we didn't realize we were hanging onto.

I consider returning to a career, yet now I have no desire for material gain, no desire for a family and consider a relationship to be a burden…  I pray for some type of guidance, but there is no answer.

You are free to speak as you will on this forum. You don't need to fear being a burden. The guidance you need is with you. In comes in the form of our struggles.

Much love, my friend. You're going to come out of this feeling better than ever.

[Jhanananda]

I’m sorry to bring such a difficult discussion to this community.  I know we haven’t truly met yet but I have no one else to talk to.   

Welcome, Aaron, this section of this forum is specifically here to deal with precisely what you are going through.  So, thank-you for having the courage to share your difficulties with us.

There is an overwhelming tension in my heart. It is prevalent feeling that has been with me daily for 7 weeks now, slowly increasing in strength.   I meditate with it an hour in the morning and an hour at night every day.  Sometimes it gets to difficult to bare during my day and I take additional time to meditate back to a reasonable level I can endure.  While meditating, I can reach a point of mind in which it’s no longer painful, if I reach 1st Jhana it disapears.. a releif but it is still there after my sit.   

There are a number of ways to look at this pain in your heart, but you are the only person who can answer truly what fits for you.  The spiritual journey has several Spiritual Crises.  They are simply so much a part of the journey, that every contemplative teacher should address them.  Since so few contemplative teachers address the Spiritual Crisis, and so few contemplative teachers who address the 8 stages of the spiritual experience, that I have had to conclude that too few contemplative teachers meditate deep enough to have a Spiritual Crisis.  So, you are fortunate to be in one.  Now it is your job to meditate through it.  Meditating deeply will help you through every Spiritual Crisis.

Another way to take this "tension" in your heart might be that your heart chakra is opening up.  If so, then meditating deeply will help you.

I see this tension becomes stronger with thoughts of the future ; when I think about the direction of our country and culture ; when I think about my future financial sustainability ; when I consider returning to the corporate workforce ; when I try to identify the work that I should be doing with my spare time.  I’m choosing to not feed these thoughts, but the tension is still there.

When I dwell upon the past or the future, then I become anxious, or depressed.  I expect this is true for everyone.  My solution is to simply live with my mind still and upon the present moment.  I am sure it will help you as well.

When the tension is present, my intelligence is drained, my vocabulary out of reach. My ability to focus strained.  It’s hard to stay mindful and appreciative of the present moment.  I can’t complete any intellectual work as my mind is exhausted. 

Equanimity will help you.  We find Equanimity at the 3rd jhana.  So, learn to meditate at least to the depth of the 3rd jhana every time you meditate, and keep your mind still and upon the present moment throughout the day, and you will have Equanimity throughout the day.

I was so confident in my choice to live on the road, now I feel foolish and regret leaving my safe career.  This is another thought I choose to not have a conversation with. 

You will only be foolish if you do not make use of this time, and establish your mind still and upon the present moment throughout the day in Equanimity.  If you succeed, then you will be very wise, even if the world considers you a fool.

I’m planning a month hermitage in the forest, hoping time alone will help this stage pass.  I accept this tension, I just wish it didn't impact my interaction with others so negatively.  I want to spread compassion and joy, yet I'm a big ball of anxiety...

Struggling,
Aaron

This sounds like a good idea.  Take as much time in solitude as you need, and see where it takes you.  Check in with us from time to time to tell us all how you are doing.

[Aaron]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, it's moving.  I felt considerably better after having posted.  My meditation that night was deep, I'll share the experience in a separate thread.  I feel there was some energy sent my way some how.

Michel,
This was the perfect reminder.  When I contemplated my recent past and current mental chatter, I identified all 5 of the hindrances.  In wisdom, this is a blessing because I know where I remain unskillful and where my efforts should be focused.  I spent the following day in study and meditation.  I read the wonderful discussion you and Jhanananda had around the 8 fold path, truely enjoyable and enriching.   

I've read so much in the last 10 years but it always seems to get lost when I need it most.  I've decided to study like in college, if I'm not jotting notes , I'm not studying properly.

Jhanon,
Your encouragement goes a long ways.  Yes, when considering the instructions in the Dharma, I'm trying to swim upstream.  I find myself so restless, I feel the need to strive for personal gain , pleasure and security.  There is a fear I'm going to become homeless and miserable if I don't.   

I like to reflect on times this last year on the road, when I let go and my experience naturally fell into place.  It was beautiful to just watch life and help when I was called to do so.     

It's been wonderful meeting people on the road.  It seems like I feel their sensations sometimes.  I have to remind myself that it is not me.  I have to remember to not feel aversion to these sensations and when skillful convert them to compassion. 

I'll post up my meditation experience and my observations when interacting with others on a separate thread.

Jhanananda,
Thanks for the kind words.  Hearing this is part of the path and that it will pass with my growth gives me strength to carry forward.  Reading the forum and the GWV has been a valuable companion out on the road.

You will only be foolish if you do not make use of this time, and establish your mind still and upon the present moment throughout the day in Equanimity.  If you succeed, then you will be very wise, even if the world considers you a fool.

This helped tremendously with my doubt. I wish I could recall past lives so that I stop clinging onto this one so much.  I find a fear of missing out on life, of making the wrong decision.

I have not been staying in the present moment consistently.  Nore have I applied myself for an extended period refraining from the hindrances. I realize how unscientific it is to cast doubt on a practice I've yet to truly follow.  I'm going to table my fears and reach a point where I'm following the instructions consistently.

I have another year I can live on the road comfortably.  I plan to let go of the future and follow the Dharma here in the present moment.  Hopefully in a year's time I'll have bolstered my faith and will know how to proceed.

When considering the last year living on the road, I realize I've been playing in a lifestyle of contemplative, following the practice, until something pleasurable comes around.  I'll find an excuse to "temporarily" divert my focus and I abandon the practice.  Then I'll find myself in some thick depression.  Why am I so surprised, it only validates the Buddha's lessons.  I've probably gone back and forth like this several times while in my travels. 

I think it's time to stay on the path, stop justifying breaks.  Perhaps this harsh wave of depression is just what I needed.

Thank you,
Aaron

[Michel]

Aaron, I think you're a pretty sane and sensitive guy. Considering the insanity of the world and our predicament, I say one should be depressed.

I often wonder why most people are not depressed, you know the "normal ones," that go around like a Labrador puppy chasing after one sensory thrill after another and finding nothing but pain, frustration and no real lasting satisfaction in them. All the pleasures of the world are hollow and empty. Most people are delusional since they don't realize this, until one day it hits them -- they suddenly realize that they're going to die, or they loose something or someone that is very precious to them. Life is a bummer, the 1st Noble Truth.

Depression is healthy. It's telling you that there's something very wrong with your predicament. Hopefully this propels you to find a way out.  And the good news is that there's a way out for the depressed, and that's the Noble Eightfold Path.

[Jhanananda]

Thank-you, Aaron, and Michel for your replies.  It brought gladness to me heart to know that there is genuine aspiration still alive in this world.  I hope you keep going, both of you.

[Jhanon]

When considering the last year living on the road, I realize I've been playing in a lifestyle of contemplative, following the practice, until something pleasurable comes around.  I'll find an excuse to "temporarily" divert my focus and I abandon the practice.  Then I'll find myself in some thick depression.  Why am I so surprised, it only validates the Buddha's lessons.  I've probably gone back and forth like this several times while in my travels. 

You're not alone in this, Aaron. I've yet to meet a single aspirant who doesn't go through what you're describing above. This is why it is so important to have authentic spiritual friends, such as this Sangha offers. Like the Buddha said "It's the whole path."

The ego/identity/self is like a smuggler, and uses long forgotten trade routes. We close the front door, thinking we no longer have an ego problem, and it comes in through the secret back door entrance. And an authentic spiritual friend will point this out, even if it means risking the friendship. But they'll also be the one to offer us their hand when we're hanging from a cliff.

[Cal]

To go along with what Jhanon is saying, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Jhanon and I butt heads on occasion, but it is his honesty that I appreciate most.

I just finished a rather frustrating conversation with my wife on the topic of spirituality. I was quite blunt with her. We, as human beings, have been focused solely on the pursuit of materialistic gains. This is a product of the identity. The identity that has been fabricated through human social hierarchy and the forces of corruption. We are here to find God (Nature, Dhamma, Tao), that is our only purpose.

I attempted to explain to her that this body is impermanent, and that if she believes in heaven, then she must understand that we are not a "human" being, but rather a spiritual being, housed in a human body. Otherwise, Heaven (Nibanna) becomes irrelevant, and could not exist.

This was a bit off topic, yet is the focus of my immediate passion. The Identity has become a major contributor to our suffering, and must be relinquished so that we may not return here, and be one with God. It is a painful thing to relinquish, yet that is the purpose, because without suffering, the "balance" can NOT be found. Why would one search if everything was just peachy?

I may need to rethink some things, as I told her that some day, someone very close to her will "pass away". I told her that when that day comes, it will drag her to the dirt, and she may spend a great deal of time asking why. I told her that then, I will hold her hand, and instead of showing her the way back to society, I will point the way to God.