Alexander's Blog

[Alexander]

Jesus, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I know I had that long year working in hell - and that obsession with Lauren - but I'm not sure now why I can't re-saturate myself with the peace, joy, and ecstasy which I used to have. Thinking back, the bliss arised on its own, even during the workday, without any technique. But it's not there now.

Been trying something each week:

Watch the breath
Fix the gaze
Stay self-aware
Keep myself from feeling stress
Listen to the inner sound
Keep inwardly silent

...No effect. Had a couple several-hour sits. Totally dry, boring. There have been some very brief experiences of self-arising bliss over the past 2 weeks, but the duration is of minutes, not continually. Can't find any correlation between action : effect.

The inner guide is also no help. It has no advice, tells me to do nothing, has nothing to say. Not sure that even if it was there for me I'd listen to it... it's proved that it can be wrong.

[Alexander]

obsession with Lauren

This is the only thing I can think of that is obstructing my return to the fruit of the contemplative life.

Even if there are no conscious thoughts about Lauren emerging, there is still an unconscious attachment/desire there. That is the only thing I can think of that is preventing the joy from returning. There are no other fetters...

The trouble is the attachment is based on -intuition-. I have no frame of reference for overcoming a belief when it's grounded on intuition. The inner self is so absolutely convinced that this person should have been/should be my wife.

There are only two courses of action to overcome a belief... justify/evade it, or be completely open and honest about it. In my inner life I have always chosen the latter, so I need to hope that by doing so and waiting that will be the remedy, whether the belief is intuitive or not.

There is a strange gratitude in me for the rejection... earlier in the year I would not have agreed. Back in 2013 I could not go deeper in introversion, although bliss was omnipresent/saturating me. I also had the belief I should avoid a physical relationship at that time, however I could not explain why. In the best possible world this rejection is the vehicle to finally getting over the inner wall/obstacle so I can go deeper inward.

Finally, the sexual needs of the body I interpret as blameless and natural. I cannot overcome them, or satisfy them. They are continually there as a thirst. It is my hope that they can be effaced, someday, through samadhi. However, in the interim I cannot say that the sexual needs/desires are, or can be, the obstruction to the bliss of samadhi. It is the intuitive belief/attachment that is still there, however subtle, that prevents the re-emergence of samadhi. And, if I can get the ecstasy to return, I have to keep the energy flowing "upward," not "downward," to a physical relationship/desire.

So, the silence of the inner guide, which could be interpreted as "keep doing what I'm doing" and wait more months, could be the correct prescription.

[Jhanananda]

Jesus, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I know I had that long year working in hell - and that obsession with Lauren - but I'm not sure now why I can't re-saturate myself with the peace, joy, and ecstasy which I used to have. Thinking back, the bliss arised on its own, even during the workday, without any technique. But it's not there now.

Been trying something each week:

Watch the breath
Fix the gaze
Stay self-aware
Keep myself from feeling stress
Listen to the inner sound
Keep inwardly silent

This is very good.

...No effect. Had a couple several-hour sits. Totally dry, boring. There have been some very brief experiences of self-arising bliss over the past 2 weeks, but the duration is of minutes, not continually. Can't find any correlation between action : effect.

Well, you are going to kick yourself when you realize just how easy it is to get back to the bliss.  It is really too simple, so it is all too easily pushed off. 

While siting in meditation, as you described above, just then recall the last time you experienced bliss.  Savor that memory.  Make it visceral.  Before you know it, it will arise again, savor it for as long as it arises.  Then come back to it, again, and again; and this time do not lose it.

[Cal]

obsession with Lauren

This is the only thing I can think of that is obstructing my return to the fruit of the contemplative life.

Even if there are no conscious thoughts about Lauren emerging, there is still an unconscious attachment/desire there. That is the only thing I can think of that is preventing the joy from returning. There are no other fetters...

The trouble is the attachment is based on -intuition-. I have no frame of reference for overcoming a belief when it's grounded on intuition. The inner self is so absolutely convinced that this person should have been/should be my wife.

There are only two courses of action to overcome a belief... justify/evade it, or be completely open and honest about it. In my inner life I have always chosen the latter, so I need to hope that by doing so and waiting that will be the remedy, whether the belief is intuitive or not.

There is a strange gratitude in me for the rejection... earlier in the year I would not have agreed. Back in 2013 I could not go deeper in introversion, although bliss was omnipresent/saturating me. I also had the belief I should avoid a physical relationship at that time, however I could not explain why. In the best possible world this rejection is the vehicle to finally getting over the inner wall/obstacle so I can go deeper inward.

Finally, the sexual needs of the body I interpret as blameless and natural. I cannot overcome them, or satisfy them. They are continually there as a thirst. It is my hope that they can be effaced, someday, through samadhi. However, in the interim I cannot say that the sexual needs/desires are, or can be, the obstruction to the bliss of samadhi. It is the intuitive belief/attachment that is still there, however subtle, that prevents the re-emergence of samadhi. And, if I can get the ecstasy to return, I have to keep the energy flowing "upward," not "downward," to a physical relationship/desire.

So, the silence of the inner guide, which could be interpreted as "keep doing what I'm doing" and wait more months, could be the correct prescription.

It seems as though that question "Why" burns within you. As you see, there is no simple answer to "Why". Perhaps this is a chasm in which choice can no longer be made in navigating?  Perhaps that chasm was never meant to be filled at all; but rather to be descended upon one side, trudged through, and then ascended on the other. That its purpose lies behind you.

"How different everything could be..." I've been here, and it is one hell of a place to come out of; but you can.

I think some of this can fit into our previous conversation.

"That a man might become golden with a single eye affixed upon destination" That he may use the other to see "which stone may be stumbled upon".

Right, wrong or indifferent I have always swallowed the term "It is, what it is."

Granted, seldom did I find comfort in this, but never could I deny its truth.

Don't be so hard on yourself Alexander, surrender to the moment; everything comes in time.

[bodhimind]

Jesus, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I know I had that long year working in hell - and that obsession with Lauren - but I'm not sure now why I can't re-saturate myself with the peace, joy, and ecstasy which I used to have. Thinking back, the bliss arised on its own, even during the workday, without any technique. But it's not there now.

Been trying something each week:

Watch the breath
Fix the gaze
Stay self-aware
Keep myself from feeling stress
Listen to the inner sound
Keep inwardly silent

...No effect. Had a couple several-hour sits. Totally dry, boring. There have been some very brief experiences of self-arising bliss over the past 2 weeks, but the duration is of minutes, not continually. Can't find any correlation between action : effect.

The inner guide is also no help. It has no advice, tells me to do nothing, has nothing to say. Not sure that even if it was there for me I'd listen to it... it's proved that it can be wrong.

It's too cognitive... May you can try to use the meditation object, then try to simplify it, withdrawing as much as possible from the senses, withdrawing away from entertaining unwholesome states, and shifting towards sensitivity to blissfulness and joy.

I remember reading on the site how we can start metta by thinking of someone that you love, and it works great for me. Even pictures of baby animals or young ones remind me of the innocent feeling of just being unconditionally happy and loving. I start off my day thanking something or someone that I've never thought to thank before.... Gratitude has that falling away or surrender that is quite wonderful. Forgiveness is great too.

You want to stop all "doing" as much as possible... and simplify the object as much as possible... I don't know if that's the right word. But it slowly retreats to a mental object, then manifests as the charisms. For me, doing metta meditation kickstarts the wholesome state for me, and I can also use that blissfulness to move on. Afterall it's about the mental state...

[follinge@gmail.com]

Seems really difficult to have attachment that you don't even want to have.

I'm curious about what's great about Lauren?

There are definitely great people in the world who are not like the rest so I can see how it's possible to be attached to someone unlike everyone else.

I wish you great success in getting back to your bliss. I don't know if getting rid of the attachment is the answer. I wonder if it's possible to keep the attachment, for now, but get back to where you want to be?

[Alexander]

Thank you friends, for your wonderful comments. Thank you particularly to Cal for sharing your very interesting vision/intuition.

It's too cognitive... May you can try to use the meditation object, then try to simplify it, withdrawing as much as possible from the senses, withdrawing away from entertaining unwholesome states, and shifting towards sensitivity to blissfulness and joy.

I remember reading on the site how we can start metta by thinking of someone that you love, and it works great for me. Even pictures of baby animals or young ones remind me of the innocent feeling of just being unconditionally happy and loving. I start off my day thanking something or someone that I've never thought to thank before.... Gratitude has that falling away or surrender that is quite wonderful. Forgiveness is great too.

You want to stop all "doing" as much as possible... and simplify the object as much as possible... I don't know if that's the right word. But it slowly retreats to a mental object, then manifests as the charisms. For me, doing metta meditation kickstarts the wholesome state for me, and I can also use that blissfulness to move on. Afterall it's about the mental state...

I was thinking about this but it isn't true. The mind is extraordinarily still, and I have few worries/occupations due to my lifestyle, and self-simplification. The conscious thoughts are generally not there. Also, by effort I will suspend even the unconscious thoughts (i.e., if I'm walking into the next room the judgment "open the door," "walk in the room," etc). That requires efforting and after a short time becomes very tiring/boring. I also recall the bliss element being there in the past regardless of those unconscious thoughts. And, never mind it contradicts the point which is to relax and let go.

No, the issue is the self-arising joy should be present as it is; and the energy should be arising as it is. It is a proper aridity: in order to surrender there should be something present to surrender to. The only underlying cause I can identify must be the underlying amorous attachment/identification.

[Cal]

No, the issue is the self-arising joy should be present as it is; and the energy should be arising as it is. It is a proper aridity: in order to surrender there should be something present to surrender to. The only underlying cause I can identify must be the underlying amorous attachment/identification.

Aye, you know your situation best. I recall not too long ago being in a similar situation. Aridity had arisen...but I also distinctly remember there was a cause to this. The charisms themselves, on the occurence that I could feel them they felt tainted and wrong, or painful, or "small" and un-inviting, or dull and not worthwhile. This event came to a head! http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,768.75.html

I've been talking alot about outside influences lately, and how they might come about. I remember this event as a cause and effect, as all of them have been. The path in which I took to relinquishing this asshat was to bring him to a place of observance, to acceptance, to relinquish. Perhaps this is your case, and this might help. 

I might add that I received help in this regard; and I will not hesitate to help in any way that I am able. If you recall, I also seen a slew of feline-like predators, all unfamiliar to me at the time. So if it comes time to ask; i'll be here for you.

[Sam Lim]

If you have the question that it is boring, then you should give up that. When you meditate, just meditate regardless of any result.
Maybe that is what you should let go.

[Cal]

After second inspection of your reply, Alexander, it seems as though "contentment" may be what is missing here. Perhaps you might pique inspection into this in contrast; think back to when you were not as still and silent as you are now. It could very well be that you have just become saturated in the charisms and no longer recognize their subtleties.

When I experienced this I took a long hard look into how I perceived the situation. I found, with Jeff's guidance, that recognizing the subtleties in the charisms as communion with the divine, no matter how great or small they may be to be most helpful in contentment. I believe this is what Sam is pointing towards as well. Since then, the charisms have begun to get stronger in feeling and frequency. Perhaps this can be true with you as well, brother.

[Jhanananda]

When I experienced this I took a long hard look into how I perceived the situation. I found, with Jeff's guidance, that recognizing the subtleties in the charisms as communion with the divine, no matter how great or small they may be to be most helpful in contentment. I believe this is what Sam is pointing towards as well. Since then, the charisms have begun to get stronger in feeling and frequency. Perhaps this can be true with you as well, brother.

This is it.  The charisms are just weird sensations, if we do not bring to the experience the realization that we are in direct communion with the sacred; and how truly wonderful that is, and how utterly fortunate we are to have that direct experience, which so many devotees crave, but do not have it.

[Alexander]

I have gotten a new job, and things have been going well, although I have been disciplined for multiple mistakes. I can be very highly-strung about this sort of thing so it does occupy and trouble me, and makes me feel insecure about work, which is an impediment to letting go in meditation. I'll be honest: I've either been working, home and fatigued, or home and stressed out for the past few months so I haven't meditated at all. I've tried in the afternoons but I'm too exhausted to stay focused, and in the morning I don't have enough time to sit. I've finally gotten to a week off this week, but I'm still too agitated to be silent/still right now. I'm hoping that after a couple days pass I'll be able to lie down or sit, and maintain myself in the 3rd jhana for a significant amount of time.

I'm still underwhelmed by what happens to me in meditation. I expected so much more to happen, and sooner. I also expected a much more holistic path of development, with the "meditation" that's integrated into my minute-by-minute existence counting as much as sitting sessions do. However, nothing "fantastic" has ever occurred. I look back at historic mystics like Dante Alighieri and others who hardly could have received half the instruction I've gotten from Jeffrey Brooks; yet within their lifetimes they went "all the way." I am looking forward, though, to coming out on retreat with the gang; I hope it will be as galvanizing as I expect. :)

[Michel]

I have gotten a new job, and things have been going well, although I have been disciplined for multiple mistakes. I can be very highly-strung about this sort of thing so it does occupy and trouble me, and makes me feel insecure about work, which is an impediment to letting go in meditation. I'll be honest: I've either been working, home and fatigued, or home and stressed out for the past few months so I haven't meditated at all. I've tried in the afternoons but I'm too exhausted to stay focused, and in the morning I don't have enough time to sit. I've finally gotten to a week off this week, but I'm still too agitated to be silent/still right now. I'm hoping that after a couple days pass I'll be able to lie down or sit, and maintain myself in the 3rd jhana for a significant amount of time.

What a bummer about your new job. Maybe you should try the same thing as the Spanish man who didn't show up to work for years, and the employer didn't notice, LOL:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/spanish-man-no-show-work-1.3445794

[follinge@gmail.com]

I'm still underwhelmed by what happens to me in meditation. I expected so much more to happen, and sooner. I also expected a much more holistic path of development, with the "meditation" that's integrated into my minute-by-minute existence counting as much as sitting sessions do. However, nothing "fantastic" has ever occurred.

Me too, haha.

However, I have had enough small successes which fills me with faith to continue to practice.

Also, I really did like Sam's advice; I'm going to follow it.

I just got back from a bicycle ride which was lovely in part due to years of practice on the bicycle of being compassionate for all beings.

I feel like a lot of the practice is learning good habits which will serve one well later. After a while, it's autopilot.

I don't consider myself to be the best meditator, but when I sit, I "feel" like I know what I'm doing.

Lol.

Wishing you and your practice well.

[Jhanananda]

I am sorry, Alexander, to read of your anxieties with your new job.  Anxiety is a major obstacle in the way of the contemplative.  Conquering anxiety is a life's work; and learning to relax deeply is a core skill to develop in this journey to freedom from anxiety.