Alexander's Blog

[Cal]

I have gotten a new job, and things have been going well, although I have been disciplined for multiple mistakes. I can be very highly-strung about this sort of thing so it does occupy and trouble me, and makes me feel insecure about work, which is an impediment to letting go in meditation. I'll be honest: I've either been working, home and fatigued, or home and stressed out for the past few months so I haven't meditated at all. I've tried in the afternoons but I'm too exhausted to stay focused, and in the morning I don't have enough time to sit. I've finally gotten to a week off this week, but I'm still too agitated to be silent/still right now. I'm hoping that after a couple days pass I'll be able to lie down or sit, and maintain myself in the 3rd jhana for a significant amount of time.

I'm still underwhelmed by what happens to me in meditation. I expected so much more to happen, and sooner. I also expected a much more holistic path of development, with the "meditation" that's integrated into my minute-by-minute existence counting as much as sitting sessions do. However, nothing "fantastic" has ever occurred. I look back at historic mystics like Dante Alighieri and others who hardly could have received half the instruction I've gotten from Jeffrey Brooks; yet within their lifetimes they went "all the way." I am looking forward, though, to coming out on retreat with the gang; I hope it will be as galvanizing as I expect.

I've been here Alex =( and am likely returning to it, in some measure. I start a new job tomorrow morning where I'll be working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. I took the opportunity to visit with Jeff for a few days, as I knew something was coming about (not exactly what) and that it may be some time before I would be able to do so again. He said something to me that caught me off guard when I was talking some about my home relationships, and to be perfectly honest, that snap eye opener was something I really needed. It was about ego, Alex.

Ego, I have found to be one of the trickiest, determined, and stubborn aspects of my own mind. It hides from me, even when I'm looking for it. I've found it to arise as an agitation to what is expected by another, communicated or otherwise, in opposition to a constructed sense of morality or self within me. An idea, or projection. "I am (or am not) _____". Its in this that an "action" can be produced. It's a tricky SOB for sure. The only thing that I have found to ease this, is to be the silent observer, because often I do not even realize my ego is present.

Just when I think I've mastered anything, something shows me how little I have learned.

I was talking with Michel in another thread about how I had to unpack the charisms and really re-work my perception of them. It truly is in the most subtle of them that we find the most value, the trick is just listening. I am not an expert by any means, as I likely chase my own tail more than anyone here 

Take care Alex.

[Jhanananda]

The ego is the trickster.  I am glad you are attending to dismantling it, and not giving it any quarter.

[Alexander]

1. I am no longer making any progress in the spirit. This has been the case for several years now. I reached the apex of knowledge in the spirit years ago. At that point I knew I had completed that part of my training. I knew I no longer had the call to know, but to be. However, being does not come. Meditation is fruitless and barren, and the fantastic experiences that seem to come to everyone else with such ease do not arise for me.

2. I am confronted with a trinity of failings: having quit my most recent professional job this month, I face failings professionally, romantically, and spiritually, that I cannot overcome. All this frustration makes me find very little reason to continue existing: having lived an ostensibly failed, foolish life - the life of one who always chose simplicity, being content with nothing, being content with little experience, little ambition - the life of one who forsook friendships, relationships, and fun experiences - the life of one who retreated, who withdrew - all with the vain expectation that compensation would come in return for every thing sacrificed. But, that compensation has never come.

3. The one validation was thoughts of alchemy; that all this frustration somehow had a transformative effect. That it was all a part of some process of "goldening," of remaking my chemistry, of transforming me into some higher self or higher person. However, I see no results of this, and feel no results of it; and the pains I feel are pointless, the trials unnecessary. There is no Hand that guides me. It is only random. The paradigms I have used to understand the world are false. There has come no empowerment, no galvanizing of the self. There is no reward for humility, faith, or celibacy.

4. I am just carrying on...

[Jhanananda]

1. I am no longer making any progress in the spirit. This has been the case for several years now. I reached the apex of knowledge in the spirit years ago. At that point I knew I had completed that part of my training. I knew I no longer had the call to know, but to be. However, being does not come. Meditation is fruitless and barren, and the fantastic experiences that seem to come to everyone else with such ease do not arise for me...

3. The one validation was thoughts of alchemy; that all this frustration somehow had a transformative effect. That it was all a part of some process of "goldening," of remaking my chemistry, of transforming me into some higher self or higher person. However, I see no results of this, and feel no results of it; and the pains I feel are pointless, the trials unnecessary. There is no Hand that guides me. It is only random. The paradigms I have used to understand the world are false. There has come no empowerment, no galvanizing of the self. There is no reward for humility, faith, or celibacy.

4. I am just carrying on...

Perhaps you did not reach the "apex of knowledge in the spirit?"

2. I am confronted with a trinity of failings: having quit my most recent professional job this month, I face failings professionally, romantically, and spiritually, that I cannot overcome. All this frustration makes me find very little reason to continue existing: having lived an ostensibly failed, foolish life - the life of one who always chose simplicity, being content with nothing, being content with little experience, little ambition - the life of one who forsook friendships, relationships, and fun experiences - the life of one who retreated, who withdrew - all with the vain expectation that compensation would come in return for every thing sacrificed. But, that compensation has never come.

While religions in general, and the Abrahammic religions specifically, postulate that there is a benevolent creator god who punishes the wicked, and materially benefits the "righteous," we have to ask the basic question, "Why have so many mystics suffered, or were martyred?"  My answer is this premise is wrong. 

However, it is my experience that, while I have gained little materially from my spiritual quest; nonetheless, I have gained abundantly in the form of the superior fruit.  So, try to find some balance in your life, so that you can engage in the contemplative life to great depth, where you too will find abundant superior spiritual fruit, which is likely to lack in material fruit.

Fruitful attainment, as well as peace of mind, comes from living in the moment, stilling the mind, learning to relax deeply, and learning to enjoy a disciplined life.

[Alexander]

Rereading my last entry from 2 years ago, I am ambivalent on the question of whether or not I have made any progress in the spirit since then. I anticipated rapid progress after becoming so knowledgeable in these matters, but emotional and psychological issues have been major hindrances. If I were to give a major selection of highlights:

1. My goal to complete the quest and attain liberation in the current life remains my singular purpose, and occupies the overwhelming (>90%) of my efforts + thoughts

2. Maximal self-simplification and enabling myself to have the most leisure time possible for practice have been core things I have followed

3. I can say I have a reliable job now, which, though underpaid, provides the maximal time for practice and eliminates most of the stresses that would come as a result of other work (working at a private school now, working with good admin and great kids, not getting constantly criticized/abused by bosses, and I have a lot of creative and personal freedom: so I have genuinely become an excellent teacher now for my students)

4. My living situation, though I lack some financial independence (as I am living with my parents as part of the same apartment house) is again ideal for promoting simplicity, few distractions, and worries

5. I have avoided a lot of distracting relationships, financial woes, or other impediments to focusing on the inner life

6. A major impediment to me psychologically has been sexually. I definitely had what I feel was some severe post-traumatic stress brought on by sexual experience. This resulted in continually negative thought patterns, creating narratives and storylines, and high levels of anxiety and social evasion - the opposite of inner quiet. I believe the desire for control and wanting to create a "normal" sexual narrative for myself was a major issue. I have attempted to reach a new state now where I tell myself, "it is your fate," letting go + accepting the past

7. Money has developed into an issue of larger importance for me as I now hit 26 (never had a thought for it at all in younger years), though I have managed to be as frugal as possible and invest what I have, maintaining the goals to have enough money where I do not have to worry about it as an issue, and where my finances should be able to support me living the simplest life possible so I can complete the inner quest (and, also, later provide for a wife, children, or students)

8. For the past 2 years I have been using the "self-enquiry" method of Ramana Maharshi (and also using Gary Weber's clips on the web) to try to deconstruct my thoughts and get to a state of inner quiet. I have managed to eliminate many of the major sexual/psychological maladies but I still have many self-arising thoughts when I go to do things, react to things, etc - and I also have recurring thought patterns when it comes to thinking about others' opinions of me and wanting to improve them. I also think about the inner quest, and have thoughts of stress over wanting to complete it and reach liberation

[Jhanananda]

It sounds like you are making excellent progress, Alexander.  You will know if you are by the arising of the superior fruit.

[Alexander]

The mind (ego) is a powerful and deceptive force. After a period without making progress, when I returned to Ramana Maharshi and discovered Gary Weber a couple years ago, I realized why I was not making progress subduing the mind - as I was trying to do so while retaining a sense of "I" or selfhood. I realized that the "I" and the mind are one and the same; if one wants to establish a perpetual silent mind, one must subdue the sense of I-hood - an enormous task.

Despite this insight, I still did not make progress. All the thoughts that arose seemed so "reasonable" and "necessary." For example, realizing that I do not need to plan out anything (what I will do, speak), that the body will automatically figure out how to do all that on its own when the time comes, was a hindrance.

I began keeping a "thought journal" to at least record all the thoughts gone through over the course of a day. Many of these thoughts are very negative, toxic, and unwanted. A lot repeat past events, continually evaluate them, or try to plan and control future situations. The thought log seems to have been fairly productive, as there are now 3-4 "demons" remaining that arise and take control over the field of consciousness:

1 Money: and all thoughts related to income, security, comparing oneself with others
2 Sex: reflections on the body, others, relationships
3 Planning: acting out future situations and conversations, mentally going over what I will do later on
4 Opinions: creating narratives about myself, trying to barter and reflect on others' opinions, trying to control others' opinions

The demon of "opinions" is an extremely powerful one which I had not been aware of just how compulsive the thoughts are about it. It and the demon of "planning ahead" seem to be the two biggest obstacles to overcome to get to interior quiet.

My approach for the four above questions for some time was to have a philosophical approach - reflecting deeply on each, dwelling on them, trying to come to insights and wisdom (thinking that at some point this process would lead to the thoughts dropping away), but this has been ineffective.

When I studied the Gurdjieff work one of his activities he used with his students was called the "stop" exercise. Students would have to freeze in whatever action or thought they were doing as a way of gaining self-knowledge about themselves. What I have tried to practice has been (whenever one of these thought forms arises) is effectively pronouncing a "stop." This process will hopefully reduce the compulsiveness and ultimately get the thoughts to drop away.

[Alexander]

I am aware of course, that reflecting on thought is itself a thought and invokes an "I" who is reflecting. So, the goal with the above compulsive thoughts, is to break them down to the self-reflection, and then to ask the question "who reflects on this thought?" This is the approach recommended by Ramana Maharshi. This has proved to be a relatively effective practice to me. There is, of course, no answer to this question, as the goal of it is to deconstruct the "I" who asked the question.

[Jhanananda]

Alexander, it sounds like you are making excellent progress.  The things that worked for me to still the mind, and keep it still were:
1) Be mindfully self-aware at all times.
2) Keep notes on what had to be done, and when, so that I did not have to think about them.
3) Attend to the mind, and actively keep it still, and on the present moment, at all times.

I found when the mind is still then there is no sense of self, so fabricating a delusion of no-self, as the non-dualists do, was not necessary for me.

[Alexander]

Thank you, Jeff, for the support and feedback. :)

[Alexander]

1. Got frustrated / despondent today. Nearly 12 years of work on the spiritual quest - and for years now an extended time of "no progress." It is difficult to avoid becoming disillusioned.

2. About five months now of having overcome the compulsive PTSD-type thoughts. They have not returned. Identifying it as PTSD seems to have been an important step. And the habit of "expelling" / negating the thoughts seems to have done it. It is extraordinary but I think I have overcome PTSD. This was a long process of denial, rage, acceptance, rumination, and self-love. Why fate or destiny required me to have traumatic stress is unknown. But, I can say it disrupted nearly 9 years.

3. About a year and a half now of keeping the thought log. When the thoughts were particularly compulsive I made extended entries in it. Still logging the major thoughts when they arise but using it less now.

4. The "four demons" that were particularly compulsive thoughts - planning, opinion, sex, and money - seem to be less compulsive now.

5. Two major recurring thoughts today. Frustration and analysis of the quest; general self-arising thoughts. The latter is most troubling. How to stop just those thoughts that arise from nowhere, or from association? It seems endless.

6. Using the thought log as a dream log also - when I remember any on awakening. Dreamed about grandmother last night (remember that one...).

7. My approach for the past years has been to use passive practice ("24/7 practice") to overcome the mind and establish stillness. The frustration has been this has not happened. I am not sure why this is; there is not much difference in the self-enquiry or practice whether sitting, standing, laying down or going to the bathroom.

8. Based on the above, and with the PTSD thoughts gone, New Year's resolution is to add a new formal practice: 60 minutes sitting a day. Logging the minutes every day. Been able to follow it for the most part for the past month. Issue arises when there is stress as work: ends up disrupting emotional stability for several days.

9. Current job / home situation is as optimal as possible for the spiritual life. Compounds the frustration and anger over no progress. Didn't pursue relationships, money, or fun stuff all this time. Not that any of those are of real significance. But, nothing to show for the life choices. Death is coming.

10. Been improving general life habits. Cut down on alcohol consumption significantly.

11. Using self-enquiry questions. Current ones: Who evaluates? Who listens? (To the ringing in the ears...)

[Jhanananda]

Congratulations, Alexander, in having success in stilling your mind through rigorous daily practice, which includes long sits, and keeping your mind still, and in the present moment all day long.  I too have found similar success, and many of the members of this forum have also.  Do keep up your contemplative journey.  It only gets better the deeper you go.

[Alexander]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK8pcUt4gio

1. I have been using Gary Weber's videos to help give me a better perspective of where I should be headed. In this lecture and a few others he explains what happened to him. How he practiced self-enquiry for years, then achieved a persistent nondual/thoughtless state which he has had now for two decades. In some of his other comments I have read he says he experiences nightly OOBEs. His methodologies and ways of explaining things make him very similar to Jeff which makes him quite agreeable to me.

2. I am trying to just keep up the practice and not be discouraged. I was reading Teresa of Avila yesterday who wrote she went 12 years struggling to silence her mind. So, if that titan of the spirit went through the same, it makes me feel much better about progress.

[Jhanananda]

I found that stilling the mind is the gateway to the rest of the charisms.  However, I succeeded in stilling my mind, at least for significant periods during meditation, in the first few months of meditation practice.  I got to a persistent stillness of the mind, which also came with OOBEs and lucid dreaming in about 6 months.  So, it is good to hear there are more people out there getting to deep meditation.  Good to hear from you, Alexander.

[Alexander]

Jeff, you are in a persistent thoughtless state correct? As I have been able to still the mind for ages - not silence it however.

I feel I have been waiting at the door to enter the final chamber for years now; struggling with what the issue is. At first I thought it was the traumatic stress thoughts - but those have subsided now.

Is a still mind sufficient for charismatic phenomena? Is there something necessary about prolonged bodily motionlessness? Is that my issue? As I have been thinking for so long the "quest" is a purely cognitive activity. I notice when I sit for long periods the body begins to paralyze itself. Should I just be satisfied with the still mind and stay motionless for long periods rather than commit all this labor on the silent mind? Would that be my error? What do you recommend? What might I be missing?

I always thought if I got "stuck" on the path I'd just come out there and put myself under your yoke; though my Inner Director doesn't compel me to do this.