Michael's Blog

[Michael Hawkins]

Here's a new post that talks about the trade-off between giving rise to bliss, joy and ecstasy (and being saturated in such), and the true fact that jhana/samadhi is NOT A TOY; it brings death and destruction, it gives rise to the darkest aspects of our being, it does not allow us to "take a pass."

https://rightabsorption.wordpress.com/2015/11/28/trade-off/

[Cal]

There’s a lot of that going on, for sure… but I can report from the depths of the Dark Night that there is no “getting back to the sublime states hinted at during the spiritual high.”  There is only one defeat after another, requiring one surrender after another, over and over as I learn how to relinquish my ego’s hold on how I think things should be.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the slow, gruelling death of a self-identity that must be completely blotted out in order for new life to begin.  This is what I bargained for, this is what I get.

From both personal experience and encouragement from past and present mystics, I gather that there’s no point in rushing things, and the only sensible choice is to let go, surrender, release, relinquish… and know that I was never in charge to begin with.

I feel you on this, Michael your words ring so true. I think what works best for me here is the realization that self-identity has been the delusion all along. That the difference between now, and then, is that now I know that is was a delusion. There was no fight, no challenge then, there could not be.  What is probably most painful is that in order to be cohesive with those around us, one must mimic and resonate with "normal" reasoning in order to be accepted. This "acceptance' is in the deepest regions of ones psyche and has been the ugliest of all to be drug up from the pits of shit that reside there. I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist. To my identity, this is the worst possible outcome, and that is why it must go. Why? I do not know...you're right in there was never a choice, and down the rabbits hole we go.

But be here with us Michael, I feel your pain, as I'm sure you have felt mine. Just be here, brother.

[Michael Hawkins]

Thank you, Cal.  It definitely helps to know that I'm not the only one, and that this is all leading somewhere.

[Alexander]

Great post, Michael, as everything I've read from you is; not only sharing your knowledge from direct experience, but relating it in a way which is extremely well-written and humane. Reading your post made me think of this quote from Teresa of Avila, which has the powerful image of Christ as the Crucified One, communicating the heroic traits that are needed by the mystic.

6. Perhaps He will answer as He did to some one who was kneeling before a crucifix in
great affliction on this account, for she felt she had never had anything to offer God nor to
sacrifice for His sake. The Crucified One consoled her by saying that He gave her for herself
all the pains and labours He had borne in His passion, that she might offer them as her own
to His Father. I learnt from her that she at once felt comforted and enriched by these
words which she never forgets but recalls whenever she realizes her own wretchedness and
feels encouraged and consoled.

7. I think this example is very instructive; it shows that we please our Lord by self-knowledge,
by the constant recollection of our poverty and miseries, and by realizing that
we possess nothing but what we have received from Him. Therefore courage is needed,
sisters, in order to receive this and many other favours which come to a soul elevated to this
state by our Lord; I think that if the soul is humble it requires more valour than ever for this
last mercy. May God grant us humility for His Name’s sake.

[Jhanananda]

Another excellent essay from you, Michael.  Congratulations you are making excellent progress, although I am sure you did not expect to be a raw sore the rest of your life, when you stumbled upon the charisms 20 years ago.

I found part of the problem for me was realizing that we are all in a sea of emotion, which may not be ours, which we might be responding to.  So, developing a great deal of equanimity allows us to step back from powerful emotions to see that we might just be reacting to the emotional baggage of someone near by, or the herd in general.

Another aspect of the anger and frustration that I have experienced is we are all trained from a very early age, and up through the present, that god/higher power will be pleased with us, when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle, which is evidenced by the arising of the chairsms; and, there is also an expectation that our problems in life will be resolved for us; however, we find there is no sugar daddy in the sky who is going to make all of our problems go away.  Life is just miserable (dhukkha), and it does not get better, even when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle.

[Michael Hawkins]

Alexander wrote:

7. I think this example is very instructive; it shows that we please our Lord by self-knowledge,
by the constant recollection of our poverty and miseries, and by realizing that
we possess nothing but what we have received from Him. Therefore courage is needed,
sisters, in order to receive this and many other favours which come to a soul elevated to this
state

Thank you for the kind words, brother -- and for the Teresa of Avila quote, which I really like -- hits the spot....

[Michael Hawkins]

Jeffrey wrote:

I found part of the problem for me was realizing that we are all in a sea of emotion, which may not be ours, which we might be responding to.  So, developing a great deal of equanimity allows us to step back from powerful emotions to see that we might just be reacting to the emotional baggage of someone near by, or the herd in general.

Another aspect of the anger and frustration that I have experienced is we are all trained from a very early age, and up through the present, that god/higher power will be pleased with us, when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle, which is evidenced by the arising of the chairsms; and, there is also an expectation that our problems in life will be resolved for us; however, we find there is no sugar daddy in the sky who is going to make all of our problems go away.  Life is just miserable (dhukkha), and it does not get better, even when we lead a "righteous" lifestyle.

Your points are extremely valid, and I've thought about both an awful lot during the past months away from this list (away from everything, really).  Living in a sea of suffering, trained as a preacher's kid to exude spiritual grace and endless Christ-like behavior, finding that it just doesn't add up when I'm literally being torn to shreds from the inside-out -- it's been hell, and there never comes a moment of resolution.  What's required, apparently, is acclimating to feeling everything with increasing intensity, living with the awareness that it never gets "better," knowing that this is actually what it takes as a contemplative in Dhukkha World....

[Michael Hawkins]

Cal wrote:

I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist.

I confess to feeling defeated on a very regular basis any more.  If nothing else, I'm working on adjusting this belief/attitude by giving thanks for the good things whenever possible -- such as the availability of this community of mystics and contemplatives who have been around the block a time or two, and who are genuine enough to share with others.  Thank you so much....

[Jhanananda]

What's required, apparently, is acclimating to feeling everything with increasing intensity, living with the awareness that it never gets "better," knowing that this is actually what it takes as a contemplative in Dhukkha World....

You got it brother.  And, to compound our difficulties giving up all for liberation and enlightenment is, no one cares, but the few, who have stumbled upon the same bliss, joy and ecstasy that you, I, and many of those on this forum have.

[Cal]

Cal wrote:

I hate facing the worst of myself, yet, I do not see it as defeat, which is probably one of the most confusing aspects. I do not see any of this as defeat, knowing full well where it leads. That when this war has concluded I will just exist.

I confess to feeling defeated on a very regular basis any more.  If nothing else, I'm working on adjusting this belief/attitude by giving thanks for the good things whenever possible -- such as the availability of this community of mystics and contemplatives who have been around the block a time or two, and who are genuine enough to share with others.  Thank you so much....

I should be thanking you. Although I have never had any sort of dialogue with you, I have learned a great deal from your journey. Its like Alexander said, you have a great way with words. I've spent many hours here reading, not only on this forum, but using the GWV resource. Your essays have always pointed to something I may have missed, or overlooked, and they have always provided a genuine perspective of one who is living the story being read. I could not be more appreciative of you and your work. Thank you.

Jeff has been pointing towards perspective a lot with me in our discussions. Admittedly, for the longest time I could not see Jhana as a refuge. My ego thinks itself tough, that there is no need for refuge, that anything this world can throw at me I have either already seen/felt/dealt with, or that anything left it could throw does not measure to what I have already experienced. If only I had known there was a depth of experience left to be faced. That there are terrors beyond what ever could be experienced here, on this plane. I have been defeated, many times, and it was through perspective that defeat was accepted. But that very same defeat could be victory, from another point of view. So, like you, I also see Jhana as a doubled edge sword.

I've become quite cynical as of late. Everything is a test, all the pain and suffering this world has to offer; its necessary. It's the only way to liberation, for if we cannot suffer, there is no contrast provided, and we do not know what it is to not suffer. There is refuge, there is the divine, and it is there for us when we must escape the overbearing, selfish, and delusional world that all of us currently reside in. I have not succeeded fully in changing my own perspective, but I do know that Jeff is right in his words, and that laboring in this regard is worthwhile.

I think that I am most thankful for the contemplatives. This world, it's so "face-value" and without depth. There are so many people that live their lives drifting through and never take the opportunity to examine, to question, to seek what must be real. To live life as an observer, to me is the most genuine. It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast. I am a firm believer that we here walk this path, because we can. That, to me, is victory.

[Michael Hawkins]

Thanks for this conversation, Cal.  I feel remiss in not being here (at the forum) over the past months, and that I've never really integrated myself fully into the community.  The issues that we've been discussing here in this thread (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being) have impacted me in ways that I was not prepared for.  The blow to my self-sense has been immense.  I used to host a dedicated meditation group, I used to write frequently on my contemplative blogs, I used to "put myself out there" as a teacher and healer -- but for the past five years or so, all of that has crumbled to dust.  Death wants to happen, and if we know nothing else, we know that the Reaper will not be denied.

As you wrote:

It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast.

I always wanted the "Full Monty" in terms of a spiritual path -- something that not only leads to direct experience, but that opens me to the guidance of that experience no matter where it takes me.  That I (and many of the contemplatives here) am having to engage such deep, destructive and painful darkness is something I can accept... so long as I'm able to continue on the path, so long as I'm able to surrender as fully as possible, so long as I'm willing to confront the Death-before-death that has (and is) upon me.

This is not a path for the feint of heart....

[Cal]

Thanks for this conversation, Cal.  I feel remiss in not being here (at the forum) over the past months, and that I've never really integrated myself fully into the community.  The issues that we've been discussing here in this thread (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being) have impacted me in ways that I was not prepared for.  The blow to my self-sense has been immense.  I used to host a dedicated meditation group, I used to write frequently on my contemplative blogs, I used to "put myself out there" as a teacher and healer -- but for the past five years or so, all of that has crumbled to dust.  Death wants to happen, and if we know nothing else, we know that the Reaper will not be denied.

Well put, the reaper will not be denied. Death is inevitable. With this in the forefront of our minds we can then use this as a basis for spiritual growth. I think without this realization, there can be no progress. It's the delusion I was speaking of, the one of the masses. They do not realize this, or they take the stance that "I've only got this one life" so I had better make the most of a worldly existence. It's crazy! We all will die, someday, sometime, somewhere. Death is the only permanence. So why not question this reality? Why assimilate to a "hive mentality" and relish the suffering! At the very least, why not recognize that it is indeed suffering? Thank you for this reminder. Lately I have been attempting to negotiate a more worldly lifestyle and these thoughts help with taking the healthiest perspective.

I'd very much like a link to (re: confronting shadow material from the depths of our being), I do not believe I have read this, and would very much like to.

As you wrote:

It's only through this moment to moment inspection, to view what is present now, are we provided with the tools to be free of what is overlooked by so many. It also provides the closest look at the deepest sorrows one could know. It provides that necessary contrast.

I always wanted the "Full Monty" in terms of a spiritual path -- something that not only leads to direct experience, but that opens me to the guidance of that experience no matter where it takes me.  That I (and many of the contemplatives here) am having to engage such deep, destructive and painful darkness is something I can accept... so long as I'm able to continue on the path, so long as I'm able to surrender as fully as possible, so long as I'm willing to confront the Death-before-death that has (and is) upon me.

This is not a path for the feint of heart....

I did not want anything. I stumbled upon the charisms seemingly randomly. It's interesting that when the words of truth were in front of me, they resonated with me. I had to explore what it was a member of this group was talking about. It was true, it was real, although I did not know why. This path chose me, is what I thought. I have since then learned the lifestyle that is required of a mystic. The Noble Eightfold Path, and its culmination, was coincidentally the way I was living, all seemingly without having any knowledge of it at all. I've always been a deep thinker, mostly, I thought was due to deaths of family members when I was young. Of course, this goes much further into the depths of dependent origination, and that it is not likely that I coincidentally was living this life, but more likely that I had lived this life many times before. That these experiences were that of remembering what I had forgotten. This continues to reveal itself much more vividly as I delve deeper into submission. Which leads me to question if in fact this path did choose me, or if it was in fact a choice that I made lifetimes ago.

So no, this path is NOT for the feint of heart. Who would think themselves capable of experiencing death, without first experiencing death, and then living to re-experience that death. Yet, with all of this said, it now stands true that I seek precisely what you wrote above...hmm I wonder if you might share some of your direct experience with us. I've had crazy, vivid, life-like to the point of every detail, that a dream is lived in the way that I live right now, except that I am killed by a band of madmen, or that I have fallen from a cliff and drowned. Have you also experienced these things, Michael?

[Zack]

Thanks for all this. It's all hitting on a lot of what I have been thinking about and feeling lately.

I've found that most of it is so incredibly non-verbal, and it takes so much energy and concentration to "step-down" experience into relatable words -- since communication is only worth anything if someone else gets something out of it -- that the tendency is often towards silence. But the seemingly never-ending yearning for connection and expression cycles up, or a feeling of duty and desire for helpfulness, and a powerful need to say something mixes with the complexity and intangibility of the thing wished to convey, then that whole roiling bundle of internality comes up on the delicacy that politeness dictates, and the whole thing is usually better just dropped.

The level of feeling involved with this work is kind of bewildering, because how can any one person contain so much of it? Where is this all coming from? It seems so futile and pointless, and yet the endless endless waves of emotion and sensation keep coming, keep stacking up. I've really lived a boring life; it seems like the weight of what we're being asked to process is something far beyond our own internal make-up.

The extra layer of madness is trying to do this while dealing with the world of jobs, commerce, rents, taxes, social structures and obligations, people laying claim to "ownership" of just about everything, etc... all the incidentals that tie us to this insane world, the systems that are all increasingly mangled and skewed away from a lifestyle that promotes any kind of peace. Living in a world diametrically opposed to the bulk of your experience, being housed in a vessel thick with emotion and self-recriminating thought processes, barely having enjoyable activities to pursue -- it's maddening! And yet somehow within all this I feel the need to not take it all so seriously. That may be the battle itself: knowing there exists a lightness, while trudging along dragging the anchors of darkness and exasperation.

[Cal]

I've found that most of it is so incredibly non-verbal, and it takes so much energy and concentration to "step-down" experience into relatable words -- since communication is only worth anything if someone else gets something out of it -- that the tendency is often towards silence. But the seemingly never-ending yearning for connection and expression cycles up, or a feeling of duty and desire for helpfulness, and a powerful need to say something mixes with the complexity and intangibility of the thing wished to convey, then that whole roiling bundle of internality comes up on the delicacy that politeness dictates, and the whole thing is usually better just dropped.

Right? Agreed. With me, it never really comes out right. Many times have I spent an hour or more writing something only to re-read it, highlight it, and decide if i should just delete it. The main reason that I do not is that every word that I had previously written, because of the effort and contemplation put into manifesting it, is an expression of my true self. In this is created a point of observation, a clearer point. I have thought to only do this in a journal, but there are others here, and they might just benefit. Plus, engaging each other, developing comparison, reinforcing actuality, simply having a comfort that I am not completely crazy because there are others who share similar experiences. The worst anyone here can say is "no". I have these feeling that you just expressed every time I hover over the "post" button. Especially when it comes to the intimate religious experiences that are sometimes shared here.

[Jhanananda]

This is not a path for the feint of heart....

Yes, indeed. In your honest dialog here I have been reminded that the kundalini movement tends to do everything they can to turn off the charisms, because they clearly have no idea what to do with them, and the intuition that comes with the open wound of sensitivity that we here are developing.  I found once one turns on the kundalini, there is no turning it off.  There is no going back. We must just annihilate our self in the charisms, because it is the only way through it.