In search of understanding...

[Cal]

Today I left work early, as I felt the need for refuge (Thank you Jhanon, there is nothing weak in taking refuge). A very egotistic co-worker was on a "rampage" today. I've began noticing others much more fluently, reading them, and his ugly head reared my direction. He's been doing this quite a lot actually. I believe he has caught on to my equanimity. I sense he feels threatened by it. Perhaps my facade has not been good enough. Now i have no anxiety in this regard, I only wish to share, and perhaps learn.

These people of our daily lives, they also wear a face. Yet theirs is one fabricated to hide emotions and trauma. They lash-out, they blame, they absolve, and they domineer. Their struggle is one of facade, they must "save face". They do so with absolute fervor.

So the situation at work was one that I needed to be there, at least for a few hours to get the place running after a stop of production, for cleanup. Equipment breaks, and is also good opportunity to "dig" into bigger mechanical/electrical issues. I recognized this co-workers attention yesterday, during the "downtime" I spoke of. I read it in his posture, his face, his words, and even some in his thoughts; Contempt. He was angry that he had to work, and believed that I was not working. Yet I was. It was that I did not "wear" any emotion, and this was my mistake. I had not been this way before the charisms. So today, I immediately recognized his contempt again, and it reminded me of how arrogant I had been to think that refuge was a sign of weakness. I did not "need" to leave work, or get away from him, none of this matters. I truly have only longed for the charisms, and work has made it a struggle indeed.

So after taking care of the immediate responsibility, I approached my boss. My boss is a very direct individual. The best way to describe his demeanor is one of "carnival barking". It is rather amusing at times to "read in between his lines" as there is also purpose within his charades. Yet dont be confused, he is one who rather enjoys to inflict damage and strife. He has coined the term; "What's going on here!?"

So he asks that I meet him in his office. We speak, rather he speaks and I occasionally attempt a response, about "an issue brought to his attention". This whole time he is probing my actions, my demeanor, my expressions. He blantantly says, "You don't give a shit, do ya!?" I finally have the chance to explain what I had done during the previous day and he very obviously conceded that I had not been AWAL, as my co-worker had suggested. Yet he still probed, he wanted a rise, something to "attack", as this is his nature. I did not give it to him, it was surprisingly very easy, not to. Yet I must say that I walked from his office with his eyes burning a hole in me. I felt his thoughts, he believes me crazy.

Now I recall some earlier posts that I made, ones that I felt I would be consumed, that I would lose myself. I believe I have. I believe I have lost the former self that was welcome among the deranged, the delusional. Why is it that they cannot accept one for what one is? It is clear that amongst them, they all notice. So what's next? Should one hide under ones mask, charade like the others? Where is the avenue of the householder?

All of this will have to wait, however. I now retreat to the charisms, as I have so longed for them. Thank you GWV for your ear.

[Jhanon]

This was also my experience, and why I can't keep jobs. I don't think this is uncommon at all. Even when you are extremely outwardly benevolent and helpful, their inward selves attack. I have LITERALLY lost jobs without any logical explanation or warning. And I have to deal with lack of empathy from those close to me because they are convinced I've done something wrong. "How could you lose a job for no logical reason?"

Reading your post reminds of about 10 years ago when I went into a friends place of work to get a job. I inquired, and left. Afterwards, the friend told me I didn't get the job because the boss thought "I had a lazy walk." Translation=I don't run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

This is, again to reference The Power of Now, described in that book. Your presence will either invite peaceful demeanor and acceptance, or egoic lashing out and insane behavior. It never fails. Those who GENUINELY "have God within them" will not lash out. Rather they will be drawn to you.

After many years dealing with this, I can say it is possible to mediate the selfs of others so well that it leaves even the "lashers" confused. There isn't really a choice. Even when I "put the facade" back on the surface, they can sense it inside you. They don't realize they are sensing it.

Jhananda would likely say this is why the mystics of past have retreated to the wilderness.

[Jhanon]

But, Cal, there ARE some employers who will appreciate your inner being. There aren't many, but they are there. This is also what has lead me to pursue self-gainful endeavors.

[Cal]

I find myself in a bit of a rut. I have no desire for anything. I used to play video games; not interested. I used to call friends and party; not interested. I used to want to do activities with the family; not interested. I still have not quit smoking, this addiction clings. I must say this is the only motivator I have found this entire day. The sad part is, I'm content. I am content to just be here, however aimless it is. I find myself drifting to the charisms, and I wonder for a time. The still uncreative mind, could be seen as rather boring, yet I am content. I find myself here, on the forum, alot. Just reading, absorbing all of this grand information.

I could see others calling this depression, perhaps Michel, this could be a reason for it being absent?
I'd like to ask; Is this normal? To be expected?

[Michel]

I feel like Dear Abbey.

Cal, I think you're doing just fine. In my view playing video games and hanging with friends, etc. is meaningless compared to meditating and learning the Dhamma. You just have to adjust the best way you can to being a mystic and contemplative as well as a person with family responsibilities. There's no going back. Jhanon will help you and so will everyone in the GWV. You must die to the frivolous aspects of your life. Choose how to spend your precious time wisely.

[Jhanananda]

Cal, you are doing just fine.  Contentment is something everyone seeks, and few find.  Those who find saturation in the religious experience (jhana) fond contentment.  Expect smoking to drop away soon as well.

[Cal]

Yea, saturation is a good word, it's always present. Everytime I close my eyes, I see a "static" there. Everytime I "look" for the charisms, they are present. Thank you both, again. =)

I had another dream last night, extremely vivid. Every detail, to the blades of grass, the smells, the sounds, the totality of the environment. Again I wasnt alone...it seems to be the faces of those who have been closest to me, are the ones in my dreams. I wont go into many details, as the dream was very unsettling. Perhaps it is the mind conditioning the mind. The effects of both recent dreams have been lasting, and required contemplation. They leave little confusion in regards to the fleetness of life. I am surprised to find that it does not motivate anything more than contemplation. It's seriously like, hmm, interesting, that was pretty effed up, what is the reason that my mind thinks this way when it does not while awake. As well as, is this something that has happened, or will happen? Yet in both dreams, I am present. Present in the sense that my physical body is there, looking only through my eyes. It is the faces of others that differ in "quality". They seem out of place in the extreme detail of the surrounding. The dreams remind me of the details of the demons I once saw, just so "real".

I also had another experience a few nights ago. I went outside after having somewhat of a "difficult" conversation with someone who is close in heart, yet far away. This person was emotional and i was doing everything i could think of to help. I went through my regular smoking routine, all the while contemplating the issue. I felt energy start to build when i thought "I wish I could just reach them". The energy was very much like my Kundalini awakening, it built in the bottom of the spine and expelled from the top of my head. Only instead of tears, It was like convulsions hahaha. This went on for about a minute or so, very blissful sensations. Yet I realized that I needed to regain myself, god forbid the neighbors take notice =).

I did some reading into some of your ideas on work for contemplatives today, Jhanananda. It seems like a worthwhile goal to pursue. Specifically the building of sound proof rooms. Now my career has been working metals, fabricating etc. Yet I've done some framing, Ive also got a pretty comprehensive guide into the procurement, set up, and installation of solar panels as well. I'm handy enough, I dont see any reason that couldnt be feasible. Especially if things turn out the way I suspect they will at my current job. 

Thanks for listening to my blabberings, GWV 

Oh, and LOL at The Dear Abbey comment...=) Thanks Michel

[Cal]

Hey GWV, I has a question.

Have any of you ever experienced, while looking at an old photograph, or reading an article, that you are very very familiar with this individual, yet have had no interactions with either, before that moment?

I was watching a video on the movement of electrons, quantum physics, that ended with the theory of a multifaceted existence. They were speaking more towards the possiblity of parallel dimensions, of a physical nature. Yet they showed a picture of a Physicist of the early 1900's, Neils Bohr. When they showed the photograph, I turned away a bit, like what the heck are you staring at, kinda. I've never had this happen before, but i feel like i knew this man. It could also explain some theorys I had, that were just off the wall at the time, while in an "altered state" in my younger years.

[Jhanananda]

Hello Cal, part of the insight we gain from deep meditation is recollection of past lifetimes; and sometimes those recollections occur as a product of a photograph, reading a book, or watching a movie.

[Jhanon]

Hello Cal, part of the insight we gain from deep meditation is recollection of past lifetimes; and sometimes those recollections occur as a product of a photograph, reading a book, or watching a movie.

Good to know.

What about music? I've recalled past lives through music listening, but set them aside because I am not aware of this being possible. Your comment implies any media can elicit such a recollection.

[Cal]

Hello Cal, part of the insight we gain from deep meditation is recollection of past lifetimes; and sometimes those recollections occur as a product of a photograph, reading a book, or watching a movie.

Yea, thats the feeling I got from it, too. It was subtle and not alot was taken away from it, other than I knew this person, somehow. I plan to look into it a little more, as I ve also learned not to disregard that feeling.

[Cal]

While working on a Dhamma chart, I found myself reading in depth, some of the suttas. I came across the story of Kevaddha. In this, the Buddha tells a story of a brother who searches the immaterial domains for the answer to his question; "Where now do these four great elements--earth, water, fire, and wind--pass away, leaving no trace behind?" against the teachings of the Blessed One.

'And when he had thus spoken, Kevaddha, I answered him thus: "Long, long ago, brother, sea-faring traders were wont, when they were setting sail on an ocean voyage, to take with them a land-sighting bird. And when the ship got out of sight of the shore they would let the land-sighting bird free. Such a bird would fly to the East, and to the South, and to the West, and to the North, to the zenith, and to the intermediate points of the compass. And if anywhere on the horizon it caught sight of land, thither would it fly. But if no land, all round about, were visible, it would come back even to the ship. Just so, brother, do you, having sought an answer to this question, and sought it in vain, even up to the Brahmâ-world, come back therefore to me. Now the question, brother, should not be put as you have put it. Instead of asking where the four great elements cease, leaving no trace behind, you should have asked:

"Where do earth, water, fire, and wind,
And long and short, and fine and coarse.
Pure and impure, no footing find?
Where is it that both name and form
Die out, leaving no trace behind?"

I only point to this from my own searching, remote viewing and such. I'm posting it more as a personal reminder, as I do tend to re-read posts here often.

[Cal]

On another note, everything that I am reading re-affrims that the Buddha believed the renunciation of the householder life to be requisite of enlightenment...I guess I realized this some time ago. Yet if it is something that is not desired, the householder life, if it is a means to an end, would I only be fooling myself? I have not found it possible to interact in a seemingly meaningful manner, at least that what is needed from one who is obligated to the Identity, while turning to the charisms at every moment, engaging meditative absorption to the point of saturation and continued absorption throughout the day...

If I continue to deal with things, as they come, live in the moment, yet retain Identity on the basis of necessity...It's not the responsibility that I would "run from"...Yet is it the comfort that I desire...Fack

There is no half in and half out...

[Jhanananda]

What about music? I've recalled past lives through music listening, but set them aside because I am not aware of this being possible. Your comment implies any media can elicit such a recollection.

Yes, Jhanon, any medium can trigger insight.

While working on a Dhamma chart, I found myself reading in depth, some of the suttas. I came across the story of Kevaddha. In this, the Buddha tells a story of a brother who searches the immaterial domains for the answer to his question; "Where now do these four great elements--earth, water, fire, and wind--pass away, leaving no trace behind?" against the teachings of the Blessed One.

'And when he had thus spoken, Kevaddha, I answered him thus: "Long, long ago, brother, sea-faring traders were wont, when they were setting sail on an ocean voyage, to take with them a land-sighting bird. And when the ship got out of sight of the shore they would let the land-sighting bird free. Such a bird would fly to the East, and to the South, and to the West, and to the North, to the zenith, and to the intermediate points of the compass. And if anywhere on the horizon it caught sight of land, thither would it fly. But if no land, all round about, were visible, it would come back even to the ship. Just so, brother, do you, having sought an answer to this question, and sought it in vain, even up to the Brahmâ-world, come back therefore to me. Now the question, brother, should not be put as you have put it. Instead of asking where the four great elements cease, leaving no trace behind, you should have asked:

"Where do earth, water, fire, and wind,
And long and short, and fine and coarse.
Pure and impure, no footing find?
Where is it that both name and form
Die out, leaving no trace behind?"

I only point to this from my own searching, remote viewing and such. I'm posting it more as a personal reminder, as I do tend to re-read posts here often.

Earth, water, fire, and wind, And long and short, and fine and coarse, Pure and impure, name and form, abstract and concrete, Die out, leaving no trace behind when one leaves the material for the immaterial domains.  However, if craving persists, then one returns.

On another note, everything that I am reading re-affrims that the Buddha believed the renunciation of the householder life to be requisite of enlightenment...I guess I realized this some time ago. Yet if it is something that is not desired, the householder life, if it is a means to an end, would I only be fooling myself? I have not found it possible to interact in a seemingly meaningful manner, at least that what is needed from one who is obligated to the Identity, while turning to the charisms at every moment, engaging meditative absorption to the point of saturation and continued absorption throughout the day...

If I continue to deal with things, as they come, live in the moment, yet retain Identity on the basis of necessity...It's not the responsibility that I would "run from"...Yet is it the comfort that I desire...Fack

There is no half in and half out...

Siddhartha Gautama recognized fully enlightened followers of his who were house-holders.  However, the house-holder life is not for everyone.  This is why some chose the monastic life.

[Jhanon]

+1 ^what Jhananda said.

Out of all those I've guided to the stream and onward, and all those I know already long entered; If they were given a completely blameless choice of leaving their lay life for a quality monastic life, it seems there isn't a single one which wouldn't take it. But that's not going to happen at the snap of the fingers, nor for everyone. If it's going to be, then one will receive reaffirmation in many forms. One of which might be the ties to the lay life severing amicably without force, desire or manipulation for it to sever. But there is also an in-between position, which is becoming more and more common.

This is my view on it.