Hello fellow contemplatives: I feel that it is time to formally introduce myself to the forum. I've been lurking here for a while and have been "absorbing" all this info, but am having difficulty digesting it all. And difficulty in digesting has been a problem of mine for some time now. I am going to be honest -- I have thought this over many times trying to find ways to best introduce myself. I actually typed up a whole story once, but decided to not post because I thought it just wasn't time. But at this point I am just going to write, because energy is hard to come by in these times, and guarding my character is proving to be disastrous.
To begin, I'd first like to thank each of you who have contributed to the forum and its purpose. I respect each and every one of you as a friend that I can learn from, and I hope that we can continue to learn from each other as time progresses.
Ok so I know this is a forum of the fruits, but I have to provide some background knowledge of myself in this blog to serve as both a reminder of myself and as a stone for others to step on. I have never really regarded myself as being spiritual or anything relating to the term, and this was rather evident in my adolescence as I was caught up in sexual desires and impulses. The female body, for some reason, captivated me and threw my senses into a whirlwind of endless turmoil that seemed to be a blissful response to the "natural" beauty of what is presented. I was chasing the female form everywhere -- on the internet, in my head, and in the world. I was completely unaware of what I was causing to my body and, more so, how easily I fell prey to the sexual impulse. It's safe to say that I realized a lot about myself (and others) when I came to terms with this addiction. It was a mini-enlightenment, and it marked the start of a now steadily-paced journey that has, fortunately, landed me on this forum.
Now to the details..the fun part. It all started with a girl that I will name M. As a kid (as young as 7 or '8'), I always had this liking towards M but I never really expressed it in any healthy way. I enjoy the idea that at that age it was simply pure love which allowed me to gravitate towards her character, but it quickly became evident that the more I desired her the further I strayed from actually getting to know her. In the midst of this desire, I was placed between "grasping" and "knowing" and have suffered for years due to this. And in this suffering, I believe, is where my character really took form. It sounds like a tragic love story, but it's really just something I've struggled long enough with to realize how much it has affected my thoughts. This development that I have described is the groundwork of my current character; I "work" so-to-speak in this realm the most.
Anyhow, the real change came with a decision that I would change my worldview of women in its entirety (this was late 2012). What preceded this was an unusual feeling of unsatisfactoriness -- it enveloped my whole being to the point that I was beginning to question my sanity. This feeling permeated all aspects of my life, and it felt like drastic changes were imminent. And so it occurred. I first began browsing the internet searching for the truth. I stumbled upon a few sites which provided some eye-opening ideas which I pondered over for some time. Then I came across a book, which for some reason, completely captivated me. I remember I was caught up with the idea of understanding (specifically, my lack of it), and the first sentence of the first chapter started with “You cannot ever really understand it until you have achieved it.” At that I shed tears. I continued reading like a child earnestly listening to a grandpa telling a long-lost story of a beautiful treasure hunt filled with obstacles and joyous realizations. I would continue to cry throughout the book as images rolled into my mind of something beautiful that was beyond my current understanding. My heart ached, my head was racing, and pain was everywhere. I had a very difficult time getting rest from the mind. One night, as I was struggling to sleep, I remember being half-awake when I felt and realized how low I was -- and I mean low. I could feel the pain and agony all over my body as it struggled to maintain a connection to what joys I was finding in the book. If I remember clearly, my memory was diminishing at that point -- I could not define what I was feeling. As I reflect on that moment now, I remember the faint idea of falling very fast into something that I had no idea I could fall into. I kept falling, however, into something that continued for a very long time, with no apparent end. All this occurred in the span of a few seconds, as I have perceived it. This caused an extreme fear in my mind, and, rather immediately, the first major energy rush straight from the bottom of my spine to above my head occurred. This was my first experience of full-blown intense bliss. The energy remained on top of my head for a several minutes, and I was just lying on my left side on the bed looking at the wall with my eyes wide open. I remember the feeling of complete stillness..supreme peace and contentedness. I remember wadding my right hand over my head as though expecting to "feel" something there...and I smiled. As the energy subsided, slowly the thoughts began to return, but this time with a "different" air or weight to them.. decreased in density, if you will. It was an intense experience, and I can say that was the official beginning of this journey. This was my first significant religious experience. I was confused for a while after that, but I managed to compose myself and also was fortunate to come across this forum which helped me significantly in coping with the changes.
Ok now what has been in my mind for a while now, and which I am going to put forth now, is that the moment before the energy rush to my head occurred, I distinctly remember myself (or, simply a voice) calling out "Jesus" like a loud faint whisper which resounded in my head and produced the aforementioned energy rush. I have yet to fully understand this. I have made the assumption that it was my lower self calling to my higher self for help.
And so here I am. All this occurred, as I see it, after I purified some of my primitive sexual impulses and the subsequent opening of the heart. What occurred after that experience has mainly been me trying to find reason in a world seemingly void of all reason. This is my primary struggle. I currently do not meditate on a daily basis, but I am aware of what I am doing. I listen to what others say with an honest ear, hoping to hear some liberating truth from their mouths.. but have currently found none, yet. I will end this entry here, and continue to update this blog as time permits.
