Alexander's Blog

[Alexander]

1. Starting a new job. Things are going very well. My ability to be dynamic is good. I am impressed by my mastery of emotions. Nothing from work has followed me home. There has been no anger, no thinking about coworkers, or anything, left over from the day. This means I have energy for spiritual practice at night.

2. Whenever I "let go," I am flooded with pleasure. I am surprised by this. I have lived a life of nothing but death and negation; but, when I "let go," every cell of me is flooded with pleasure.

3. Each day, I am amazed that I am standing. In truth I am like a dead body or a corpse. But, I have been resurrected. I have been animated by something supernatural. Certainly, I am not human anymore.

4. I texted Lauren last night. No response. Every time I text her I ask, “Is this right?” I have not heard from my Inner Guide. Sometimes, if I feel an inner wall, I will take no action. Often, I delay, if I had planned to message her. Every time I message her she is silent.

5. Celibacy is becoming very difficult for me. On the one hand, I am overjoyed with my observance of it. It has made me spiritual, and it may well have been my salvation from this world. But, I hate the wretchedness of celibacy, and the unmanliness to it. I find that I am at war. But, I must maintain my celibacy until I attain perfection.

6. Everything has been making sense to me these days. My whole life is revealed to me. Even going back to when I was born – how I urinated on the doctor – this is intelligible from the perspective of where I am now. Even things like my sexual preferences, going backward, make sense to my revealed identity.

7. We will see if the visions I had in Winter 2013 turn out to be true. They remain upsetting. But, without them I would not be bothering Lauren. It is also because of them that I have been able to understand myself in a way I never could before.

8. The psychic who told my future to Denise said (a) “I will perform” and (b) “I will study overseas.” That word "perform" convinced me of the psychic's truth. It is too excellent a word. Not only am I always putting on an act -- but I am also moved by the second meaning of the word, which means "to do well." Thank you. I hope I will be able to live up to that. In reference to the second prediction, "I will study overseas," I do not know what that means.

9. Been watching things on ghosts, curses, and demons lately.

10. Sent Father Roger copies of The Book of Shiva, The Harrowing of Hell, and Anastasis.

11. Saw several omens yesterday. If the personal meaning is clear I cannot throw them out:

(a) The red ladybug. A recurring sight. One found its way into my room last night. One also appeared on Jan. 14, 2013 (a critical date for my mystic death).

(b) The circle. When I am out walking I often see the circle. It also reminds me of the band A Perfect Circle, a favorite band/very important.

(c) The “M” in string. I asked for direction on when to send Lauren a new message. I took "M" for Monday.

(d) The “V” made by my headphones when they fell. A vaginal symbol. Similar to the circle or ladybug. It represents completion or union.

12. I have had some weird images from childhood showing up. Tarot cards? It interesting that I have such a good knowledge of them now.

13. Been thinking about the third eye. I had a strange fascination with it when I was 15. I wanted to get one tattooed on my forehead. It is interesting in reference to the Winter revelations.

14. I hate everything. I wish I could go into homelessness. It is interesting, because if Jeffrey lives in homelessness, that is what his Divine Guide tells him to do. But, I cannot do this. I must live a life of homelessness while living in the world.

15. I must continue with the path I have following. The mystic death is with me every day. Recently, I have been impacted by Jhanon and Cal, and their experiences. It seems they are on a different path. It is very strange. I feel I am ahead of them, but that does not make sense. However, each day I feel I am more and more infused with the spiritual.

16. Be simple and childlike. Be like a fool. That is the supreme wisdom.

17. It is a delight to walk in the darkness at night. What is there to fear? I am the most terrifying thing there is.

[Jhanananda]

Self-reflection is an important tool in self-awakening.  You are doing good work here.  Good to see you are also exercising restraint, and discipline.  One cannot expect to achieve much without Self-reflection, restraint, and discipline.

[Cal]

Once again Alexander, I am awwed by your words. I could not help but feel absolute joy for what you have accomplished.  I "see" the same coming for myself and I recoil from it. I have not learned to "let go". There are reasons behind my lack of effort, mostly fear. You are accurate in both saying that you are much further progressed and on a different path. I spend my nights searching for other mystics, reading, learning, and trying to find a medium to this path. I have a terrible tendency to go full throttle and head first, yet there are those that depend on me. I'll be honest, I view my efforts into meditative absorption as selfish. This is an obstacle that I must overcome before truly allowing myself to let go. You are truly an inspiration, Alexander and I look forward to learning all I can from you. The GWV as well.

[Jhanon]

Cal, not that an intellectual understanding is immediately beneficial, but I have always look at Practice as the absolute best thing I can do for my family and all beings. Because otherwise we're simply perpetuating the suffering for others that drove us into absorption. Of course, for a householder, this would need to be done with a sense of balance. I believe when you begin to see how your behavior changes, and impacts your loved ones in a profoundly beneficial way; this will become easier on you.

[Jhanon]

Alexander, I think I understand by what you mean "I feel I am ahead of them, but that does not make sense." I've had several insights that Cal and I are like some kind of binary star. And, while you may be "ahead", I think there is a power to this binary star kind of energy/load sharing and harmonized self-negation which exists between Cal and I, which appears to expotentiate progress. In other words, we are spiritual team mates that have repeatedly lifted each other up very effectively. It keeps going back and forth.

So, we're all going to the same "thing", but we're getting there different ways. And we may end up getting there the same time. I say this humbly, as it is only a feeling. It could just be identity illusions.

[Alexander]

Thank you friends, I am honored by your thoughts.

[Alexander]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAKATOLXFOw

[Jhanananda]

Thank-you, Alexander, very nice music.  I am listening to it now.

[Alexander]

98. A hard teacher can destroy the fantasies of a beginner, and a soft teacher can nourish and invigorate a great soul.

This quote of Shiva makes me think of Jhanananda.

[Jhanon]

98. A hard teacher can destroy the fantasies of a beginner, and a soft teacher can nourish and invigorate a great soul.

This quote of Shiva makes me think of Jhanananda.

True dat

[Jhanananda]

I do not think of myself as a harsh teacher; however, delusion seems to be the underlying problem of most seekers, so the delusions will have to be dismantled.  That could seem cruel to some people, because people tend to hold hardest to their delusions.

[Alexander]

I am trying to apply the idea of the love of fate, from the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, to my personal experiences...

Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life.

I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.

My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.

[Alexander]

I do not think of myself as a harsh teacher; however, delusion seems to be the underlying problem of most seekers, so the delusions will have to be dismantled.  That could seem cruel to some people, because people tend to hold hardest to their delusions.

I have found you to be one of the most kind and charitable persons I've known; and despite the slanders you have unjustly gotten from others, you have invigorated me with a life and faith that was not there before.

[Jhanananda]

I have found you to be one of the most kind and charitable persons I've known; and despite the slanders you have unjustly gotten from others, you have invigorated me with a life and faith that was not there before.

I am so glad that I have inspired anyone, so thank-you for letting me know that I inspired you.

On your topic of love of one's fate (Amor fati).  I spent years accepting all as, "thy will be done," which I find more inspiring than just accepting one's fate.  And, I often had trouble with the atheistic center of Buddhism, because I found it truly inspiring to think of the entire universe as a creation of a creator god, who had our best interests in mind.

However, I can no longer sustain that point of view.  It is clear to me that there is no creator god; however, it is also clear to me that there is nonetheless a means of communicating directly with the sacred, as jhana is that vehicle.

I now see a belief in divine intervention as a classic example of the puer aeternus, which just infantilizes seekers.  Because it tends to make them victims of the criminals of the world.

So, now I just see things as they are, and realize that I have been an eternal victim as a New Age puer aeternus, and chose no longer to be one.

I suppose both perspectives are just necessary developmental stages.  I cannot at this time say which perspective is the more mature one.

[Alexander]

I see how a spiritual man must fulfill the line from the Old Testament: that he must be a vir dolorum, a man of sorrows, "despised and rejected by men, acquainted with grief."

1. Starting a new job. Things are going very well. My ability to be dynamic is good. I am impressed by my mastery of emotions. Nothing from work has followed me home. There has been no anger, no thinking about coworkers, or anything, left over from the day. This means I have energy for spiritual practice at night.

I have maintained this relationship with the world. I am as detached from it now as I was then. It is challenging to get down exactly what this way of relating to life consists of. But it means keeping the energies of the self from expending themselves on the vicissitudes of life. This enables them to be used for the spiritual life instead.

4. I texted Lauren last night. No response. Every time I text her I ask, “Is this right?” I have not heard from my Inner Guide. Sometimes, if I feel an inner wall, I will take no action. Often, I delay, if I had planned to message her. Every time I message her she is silent.

I do not know what to say about this. It has been an extremely long time. I have sent her more messages still. In the past I've dealt with a long list of disappointments - so when it came to Lauren my subliminal self said to me, "No, it is not so." That voice repeated itself in me again and again; and it resonated in me so many times I embraced an unshakeable, willful certainty that it was right, that I was proceeding correctly. I am still listening to it now: but there is nothing to support what I'm doing. Except intuition. Otherwise there is... silence.

5. Celibacy is becoming very difficult for me. On the one hand, I am overjoyed with my observance of it. It has made me spiritual, and it may well have been my salvation from this world. But, I hate the wretchedness of celibacy, and the unmanliness to it. I find that I am at war. But, I must maintain my celibacy until I attain perfection.

I move back and forth frequently about this. It is the lack of an ultimate proof of my spiritual attainment that makes the merit of celibacy so questionable. I am overdue for some worldly happiness: that is what the human side of me says. And it suffers. At the same time, the deeper self says that this thought is foolishness. That celibacy is the most efficient and necessary discipline to maintain. And, the more so, because it is only a short time till completion is here, and then the need for celibacy is over.

8. The psychic who told my future to Denise said (a) “I will perform” and (b) “I will study overseas.” That word "perform" convinced me of the psychic's truth. It is too excellent a word. Not only am I always putting on an act -- but I am also moved by the second meaning of the word, which means "to do well." Thank you. I hope I will be able to live up to that. In reference to the second prediction, "I will study overseas," I do not know what that means.

If we take the first prediction and put it next to my lost job, the idea I will "perform" is worth reflecting on. But, given the demonic nature of my employers - and the fact I kept going to work despite their tortures - that is proof, to fate maybe, that I did "perform."

14. I hate everything. I wish I could go into homelessness. It is interesting, because if Jeffrey lives in homelessness, that is what his Divine Guide tells him to do. But, I cannot do this. I must live a life of homelessness while living in the world.

Whenever I do something fun I disengage my attention for a while - and when I come back into my normal consciousness, I feel an acute and painful sensation about myself. I feel an acute hatred of myself, and I feel my own wretchedness.

Fortunately, this experience lasts only a short time: usually for about an hour or so. The pain of these episodes has diminished significantly compared to the past. I sit with the pain when I feel it: as though it were a part of some sort of transformative process. What encourages me about this is that it feels like I am being torn in two - like the human, passible part of me is being separated from another "me."

17. It is a delight to walk in the darkness at night. What is there to fear? I am the most terrifying thing there is.

I feel like an outer space creature. I write these terse, impersonal sentences: there is a resistance in my mind to writing, to expressing, to using "I"s and "you"s. As though they were false. "The better remedy," the deeper self says to me, "is long-suffering and patience."