Alexander's Blog

[Alexander]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

[Alexander]

I am trying to navigate the pain I am experiencing at the current time. The disappointment and frustration I feel overcome any I have felt before. I thought I had a heroic temperament that had endured a lot; now, I feel utterly like Job, failing to understand why a person so "good" should be immersed in this amount of affliction, hopelessness, and loneliness. I read the accounts of the mystics for what support they give, though they do not give me much:

The fourth kind of pain is caused in the soul by another excellence of this dark contemplation, which is its majesty and greatness, from which arises in the soul a consciousness of the other extreme which is in itself - namely, that of the deepest poverty and wretchedness: this is one of the chiefest pains that it suffers in this purgation. For it feels within itself a profound emptiness and impoverishment of the three kinds of good, which are ordained for the pleasure of the soul, which are the temporal, the natural and the spiritual; and finds itself set in the midst of the evils contrary to these, namely, miseries of imperfection, aridity and emptiness of the apprehensions of the faculties and abandonment of the spirit in darkness.

This [painful experience] is what the German mystics call the "upper school of true resignation" or of "suffering love"; the last test of heroic detachment, of manliness, of spiritual courage.

The soul cannot come to this union without great purity, and this purity is not gained without great detachment from every created thing and sharp mortification. This is signified by the stripping of the Bride of her mantle and by her being wounded by night as she sought and went after the Spouse; for the new mantle which belonged to the betrothal could not be put on until the old mantle was stripped off. Wherefore, he that refuses to go forth in the night aforementioned to seek the Beloved, and to be stripped of his own will and to be mortified, but seeks Him upon his bed and at his own convenience, as did the Bride, will not succeed in finding Him. For this soul says of itself that it found Him by going forth in the dark and with yearnings of love.

We must remember in the midst of our analysis, that the mystic life is a life of love: that the Object of the mystic's final quest and of his constant intuition is an object of adoration and supreme desire. "With Thee, a prison would be a rose garden, oh Thou ravisher of hearts: with Thee, Hell would be Paradise, oh Thou cheerer of souls," said Jalalu 'd Din. Hence for the mystic who has once known the Beatific Vision there can be no greater grief than the withdrawal of this Object from his field of consciousness; the loss of this companionship, the extinction of this Light. Therefore, whatever form the "Dark Night" assumes, it must entail bitter suffering: far worse than that endured in the Purgative Way. Then the self was forcibly detached from the imperfect. Now the Perfect is withdrawn, leaving behind an overwhelming yet impotent conviction of something supremely wrong, some final Treasure lost.

This last passage, with the attached poem of Rumi's, makes me feel the greatest sense of affliction and separation.

[Alexander]

Monks, the All is aflame. What All is aflame? The eye is aflame. Forms are aflame. Visual consciousness is aflame. Visual contact is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on visual contact, experienced as pleasure, pain, or neither-pleasure-nor-pain that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I say, with birth, aging, death; with sorrows, lamentations, pains, griefs, despairs...

The intellect is aflame. Ideas are aflame. Mental consciousness is aflame. Mental contact is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on mental contact, experienced as pleasure, pain, or neither-pleasure-nor-pain that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I say, with birth, aging, death; with sorrows, lamentations, pains, griefs, despairs.

Seeing thus, the instructed Noble disciple grows disenchanted with the eye, disenchanted with forms, disenchanted with visual consciousness, disenchanted with visual contact. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on visual contact, experienced as pleasure, pain, or neither-pleasure-nor-pain: He grows disenchanted with that too...

He grows disenchanted with the intellect, disenchanted with ideas, disenchanted with mental consciousness, disenchanted with mental contact. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on mental contact, experienced as pleasure, pain, or neither-pleasure-nor-pain: He grows disenchanted with that too. Disenchanted, he becomes dispassionate. Through dispassion, he is released. With release, there is the knowledge, "Released." He discerns that, "Birth is depleted, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world."

[jay.validus]

This is a great passage.  I have gone through many intense experiences that mirror what this discourse speaks.

Through dispassion, he is released. With release, there is the knowledge, "Released." He discerns that, "Birth is depleted, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world."

Then, the next day comes...

[Jhanananda]

I am trying to navigate the pain I am experiencing at the current time. The disappointment and frustration I feel overcome any I have felt before. I thought I had a heroic temperament that had endured a lot; now, I feel utterly like Job, failing to understand why a person so "good" should be immersed in this amount of affliction, hopelessness, and loneliness. I read the accounts of the mystics for what support they give, though they do not give me much:

Thank-you for the quotes from the mystics.  To me, navigating the pain we experience in the world, is to know that the world is made up of vicious, delusional morons, who will make a career out of doing us harm.

[Alexander]

Seriously, leave me alone. I am not interested. Never was, and I never will be. In all sincerity, I do not want to talk to you and I do not want to hear from you. Do not contact me again.

1. Well, there is no reconciling this. I have always avoided rationalizing my life experiences: and this experience will have to be just the same. I did nothing ill here; and for two years I suffered attempting to assimilate the irony of this rejection. That Lauren refuses to exchange emails with me makes the situation even more frustrating and confusing. I will just have to keep moving forward, and try to get rid of the infatuation. But, I am fundamentally confused and hurt that there was no happy ending here.

2. It is clear to me I have spent the past few years navigating the dark night of the soul. I was encouraged, recently, reading the accounts of mystics, who shared how long it took them to navigate theirs:

But, if it is to be really effectual, it will last for some years, however severe it be...

But how dear I paid for this time of happiness! For this possession, which seemed to me entire and perfect - and the more perfect the more it was secret, and foreign to the senses, steadfast and exempt from change - was but the preparation for total deprivation, lasting many years, without any support or hope of its return.

I was repeating to myself, the past month, "I didn't sign up for this"; and I certainly didn't sign up to be impoverished of personal happiness to this extent. I signed up for a greatly simplified life: but, one which still had all the necessary worldly accidents fulfilled. It's accurate that if I knew I had to experience this pain, I would have reconsidered following a spiritual path.

3. I feel it may take another 1-2 years to be entirely through with these trials. True, on a macroscale, that is no time at all; but, while in the midst of it, I want all this to be over with immediately. I am encouraged, because I believe my infatuation with Lauren encapsulated within it the last of my human attachments: so, when it dies, that means the end of those identifications, and a climax in my spiritual crisis.

4. I am truly grateful for my ownership of a copy of John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul. His commentary on this poem is absolutely exquisite and one of the most valuable things ever written. In a way, I feel as though it was written just for me. Because how many people go through this experience? And have been able to own a copy?

I have reread every page of The Dark Night of the Soul many times, and have returned to the passages written by John of the Cross continually. He has also given me a renewed interest in the Old Testament, as he interprets many of the prophetic and other books mystically.

I have a particular identification with this quote of John of the Cross, when he talks about being suffocated, or held in the air:

All this God brings to pass by means of this dark contemplation; wherein the soul not only suffers this emptiness and the suspension of these natural supports and perceptions, which is a most afflictive suffering (as if a man were suspended or held in the air so that he could not breathe), but likewise He is purging the soul, annihilating it, emptying it or consuming in it (even as fire consumes the mouldiness and the rust of metal) all the affections and imperfect habits which it has contracted in its whole life.

It appears Teresa of Avila used the same analogy:

She feels an extraordinary loneliness, finds no companionship in any earthly creature; nor could she I believe among those who dwell in heaven, since they are not her Beloved. Meanwhile all company is torture to her. She is like a person suspended in mid-air, who can neither touch the earth, nor mount to heaven.

There could be no better description of the strange limbo I feel trapped in. It is an acute and painful state, because on the one hand I cannot have intercourse with worldly things, and on the other I cannot yet "mount to heaven," as Teresa of Avila says.

4. These parts of the spiritual crisis, described by Evelyn Underhill, certainly reflect my own experiences:

When they are in [this period of trials] everything seems to "go wrong" with them. They... lose grasp not only of their spiritual but also of their worldly affairs.

Everything has indeed "gone wrong" for me: the worst results of every action have happened. Were it not for my knowledge I have of the inner life, I'd think I've lost everything spiritually. And I definitely feel uncomfortable navigating worldly affairs. It is extremely frustrating to feel so inept, impotent, and passive. At the same time, I know that I must stay in this state out of necessity.

The health of those passing through this phase often suffers, they become "odd," and their friends forsake them...

I have experienced everything listed here: the decline in health, the becoming "odd" to people, and the loss of friendships in consequence. For the past year, I have slowly been trying to restore my health. I have trained myself for a long time to be "shava," like a corpse, but maybe it's about time I tried to be "Shiva" instead.

[Michel]

Thank-you for sharing your Dark Night with us, Alexander. I hope it ends for you soon. Remember always, that this is your home.

[Jhanananda]

There is certainly a sense of alienation that arises for those who seek the deepest and most intimate communion with the sacred.  For those it might be best to retreat into the wilderness for a while.

[Alexander]

72. A virile man will have many children that survive his death, and a spiritual master will as well.

This quote of Shiva is becoming increasingly true of Jeffrey.

[Jhanananda]

Thank-you, Alexander.  We can only hope that following the path of the mystic would be a major social movement sometime soon.

[Alexander]

1. Well, the misfortunes keep piling on. I was not approved for my Section 30 benefits, which means I cannot collect an additional $13,000 in unemployment. This means in November my current benefits will expire. I will have to keep looking for a new job.

2. I have been rejected by the Foreign Service board of examiners for an oral assessment for a job. This is my long term goal for employment, so I am not too upset; but, it is unfortunate. I think I am going to try to become a fluent Spanish speaker. I took it in school but never had any interest: everyone told me I should have, since my father was born in Argentina.

3. Sometimes my troubles assail me sufficiently to bring me into a quasi-ecstatic state: what I believe the Christian mystics called a negative ecstasy, or an ecstasy of deprivation. What a bizarre path I am following. My contradictions are so forceful and violent that they can't be reconciled, and bring this effect. Clearly I am working against myself, against the world (thinking of a G. I. Gurdjieff quote, to work "against nature, against God")...

82. Cultivate seriousness and hardness in reference to yourself.

4. This is a great quote... and something to consider...

For this soul is now, as it were, undergoing a cure, in order that it may regain its health - its health being God Himself. His Majesty restricts it to a diet and abstinence from all things, and takes away its appetite for them all. It is like a sick man, who, if he is respected by those in his house, is carefully tended so that he may be cured; the air is not allowed to touch him, nor may he even enjoy the light, nor must he hear footsteps, nor yet the noise of those in the house; and he is given food that is very delicate, and even that only in great moderation - food that is nourishing rather than delectable.

5. This is such a great quote also... and encouraging. It is the correct way to understand these trials...

[Jhanananda]

Good luck with the cure, and the job search.

[Alexander]

It has cost God not a little to have brought souls thus far, and He greatly prizes this solitude to which He has led them, this emptiness of their faculties, for He has brought them thither that He may speak to their heart.

The Ordainer controls the fate of souls in accordance with their destiny. Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may to prevent it. This is certain. The best course, therefore, is to remain silent.

1. I was thinking of these quotes today. They made me think about teleology: that events have a "purpose" or "end" to them. What John of the Cross said was powerful. As it personifies God, and makes him into the mover of a person’s life, choosing what will happen, or not happen. If you think about it, it is so statistically impossible for a person to make it this far in the spirit. So, it makes you think that this was not by accident: and that, also, many other things in life are also not by accident. If you start to reason in this way, so many experiences become more meaningful or redeemable.

Well, there is no reconciling this. I have always avoided rationalizing my life experiences: and this experience will have to be just the same. I did nothing ill here; and for two years I suffered attempting to assimilate the irony of this rejection...

I am still suffering through this. It is an experience like Jacob struggling with the angel. It has become a war between my surface intelligence, with every worldly accident supporting it, and my subliminal intelligence, which disagrees. This would normally be a foregone conclusion for me to side with the subliminal mind. But I see that only ending in affliction. At least in this case both minds agree on the present course of action, which is to do nothing, the only choice.

It is by these trials to which God subjects the spirit and the flesh that the soul, in bitterness, acquires virtues and fortitude and perfection... so, too, the Wise Man asks, “He that has not been proved, what does he know?”

I was led every step of the way in my infatuation by my Inner Guide. It encouraged me every minute to keep doing what I was, and rebuked me when I wanted to stop. It led me “like the Bride going after the Spouse” in the darkness.

Now, I have been given a struggle that is so mentally insurmountable I can't fail to think that it was meant to be. It is so characteristic, also, of my former life, and the method I've always preferred to use to progress on the spiritual path: that is, to put myself through a crucible.

O souls that seek your own ease and comfort, if you knew how necessary for this high state is suffering, and how profitable suffering and mortification are for attaining to these great blessings, you would never seek for comfort anywhere, but you would rather take up the cross with the vinegar and the gall, and would count it an inestimable favour, knowing that by thus dying to the world and to your own selves, you would live to God in spiritual joy; in the patient endurance of your exterior afflictions you would merit at the hands of God, that He should look upon you, cleanse and purify you more and more in these spiritual tribulations. They whom He thus blesses must have served Him well and long, must have been patient and persevering, and their life most pleasing in His sight. The angel said unto Tobias “Because you were acceptable to God, it was necessary that temptations should prove you.” Tobias was acceptable to God, therefore He tried him; He gave him the grace of tribulation, the source of greater graces still, and it is written of him that the rest of his life was in joy.

2. I was thinking, recently, of a couple people who entered my orbit, and who I saw spiritual potential in, but who rejected me or refused to keep in contact with me. These were Heather, who I knew back in high school; and Thomas, who I tried to connect with in college. I thought at both times I had had good judgment about finding people who would be interested in "getting out of here." And - while I don't want to say I have a "golden ticket" out of this place - I was assailed with the irony of how these two people - and now Lauren as well - chose in their ignorance not to escape from this world with me.

The red ladybug. A recurring sight. One found its way into my room last night. One also appeared on Jan. 14, 2013 (a critical date for my mystic death).

3. The red ladybug has been a recurring sight for me. One appeared for me, sure enough, on August 8th. I knew that it was coming: I just didn't know what day I would see it.

Symbolically, ladybugs represent good luck, or love. I've never considered myself a "loving person," so the symbol chose me. One has appeared now for almost every particularly troubling event in the spirit. There is also the added "ladybug" of the red Volkswagen beetle: its use as an omen, also, hasn't escaped me.

When I see the ladybug the message, it seems to me, is "this is all known beforehand," and "there is good fortune ahead"...

Some other omens:

Newspaper headlines:
- “A happy conclusion: worth the wait”
- “A night worth celebrating”

I saw these headlines by accident a couple weeks ago. They take on meaning if they're interpreted to reference the spiritual crisis.

The rubber band:
I sometimes wear a band around my wrist – it would take a while to explain the story behind it – but it represents spiritual marriage or union to me. Last month when I was feeling upset, I threw it off, and it formed into an infinity symbol on the table (which I had never seen occur before). It was an eerie reaction to my thoughts. As if to say, “you’re already betrothed to infinity.”

I think I am going to try to become a fluent Spanish speaker...

If I can keep this up, I may try to do my master's thesis in a couple years on the poetry of John of the Cross. I am not sure what the thesis would be, though. The translations of his books into English by E. Allison Peers are very good; I don't think they need to be re-translated.

[Jhanananda]

The dark night of the soul requires the shedding of the self. 
There are so very many layers to be shed. 
It seems that it will take ever so long. 

But, no matter how long this process of purgation takes
we will go through it sitting in silent meditation hour after hour,
day after day, week after week, month after month,
year after year, decade after decade, lifetime after lifetime;

because along the way we shall be given
glimpses of the most sweet bliss, joy and ecstasy
to keep us seeking more.

[Alexander]

Thanks, Jhanananda, for the poem.