Hello! I realize this topic might be moved, not sure where to place things yet.
After reading more posts on this forum, and finding it helpful in comparison to my experience, I thought I would expand a little on my own experience and share a few more of my thoughts.
In my meditations, when I contemplate, and in life in general, I enjoy keeping my mind at a deep level. This is where I am at the vast majority of the time. It can get very intense sometimes. Mostly, it a mild peace and joy, and usually it accompanied by emptiness. Sometimes that emptiness can become very intense, and I have noticed this is when my dreams become lucid. Other times emptiness can bring out much deep things to the surface, and then that becomes very difficult to handle. However, mostly I live happy and smiling all the time.
One of my most helpful insights was, "These two seemingly opposing things can co-exist together within me, why not?" This has really brought more understanding of myself and others, and also brought lots of peace. I don't feel the need to figure out everything. If two people can have two different opinions, why can't those two opinions be within me? I can hold both, what is stopping me, really?
Since a young kid, I always enjoyed watching within myself how stuff manifests in my mind. I enjoyed the content, usually about the other-world, God, spirit, meaning of life, purpose, and then how these interrelate to our worldly level. I did not realize how deep I kept myself until the past couple years, when a friend told me I am too deep (I don't chill with him anymore). I have an outgoing personality too, so I got a good balance going.
When talking about the creative force, I find there are a few parts of me coming to the forefront. One is one slice of me, that really does not desire anything. Nothing worldly, divine, but just to be. This is my general personality anyway. There has been a contention when the voice comes and speaks, "What do you want?". What do you want? I never have an answer to the question, but that acceptance attitude has been a major downfall for me.
This brings me to the creative force. I have a friend, with whom we both are on similar wavelengths spiritually. We were talking about the creative force, and he said for those who are artists and are really in tune will eventually have to strike a deal with the muses. Otherwise, you risk having the energy overload and overpower you. You go crazy. I have experienced a few of those psychotic moments because of the divine energy and changes in awareness, due to the intensity and loss of self.
What is the purpose of this creative force? To create, okay. But this creates a very real dilemma for me. If I do not desire anything at deep levels of my mind, only to surrender, but I can allow the creative force to work through me, then why do I not? It is easy to live a live of acceptance, having faith in God or the higher being, but another to really unfold as one likes. Part of being human is the free will to make our own choices, our own survival. This is part of our being. Why not embrace it?
In the past year, I am slowly coming to realize my acceptance attitude has been a hindrance to me in my meditations. I used to let what arose to arise as pass without any control in the manner. But, I have a choice to direct my thoughts, like a steam boat I steer in many different directions. There are times when acceptance and surrender has its place, but I find directing the thoughts and the mind does have a role as well, depending on the circumstances.
There are my hopes and dreams. Lately, I finally started to wonder, where do they come from? Where is the stem? Where is the root? Which parts of the mind are they connected to and for what purpose? What role is greed, love, fear, ego, delusion, the "personalities" etc, all of their roles? What is really there, and then what is not there?
I understand the destructive nature of this energy. I have read from others on this forum there is a fear. I am scared too. This fear this this "path" will become my entire life. I will leave society and dedicate myself to this 'noble' path. I am scared, yet it has been one of the sole focuses of my life thus far. It is like my life has been predetermined, but I am choosing it freely as I go along. But, when I get down to it, I am a pretty happy guy, so I just go one day at a time.
Jay