An unusually peculiarity surfaced some time back in my efforts. I found that just the resolve, if strong enough, to cease medicating causes the conditioned self to cause havoc. Even if I've not stopped medicating,
it begins to "disobey" because it knows what's coming. Emotions become overwhelming, and ancient behaviors arise. Behaviors which I find painful to watch. This has been vividly observed only through the recent efforts.
And it's only the one medicine. The other ones, when cessated, do not cause issue. It's just the one with opioid activity. I saw the conditioned self sees it as a friend. A comforting friend in a world of otherwise cruel, selfish, and ignorant humans.
And if you think of it, as a being, plants are far more benevolent than humans. Are they not? This is no justification. It is an opportunity to understand this complex relationship. Only understanding can bring resolve to do very difficult things. At least in my experience, this is so.
During my last and most successful attempt, the infant living here cried non-stop for a week. It was so painful. I began seeing memories of all the crying and pain of childhood. All the beating, ignorance and savage despair. I saw the will to not exist rise very high, which would ordinarily be interpreted as "my" desire to die. But it wasn't this way. No.
I feared I would be unable to be benevolent ever again if this comforting friend were taken away. I couldn't stand the thought of losing my patience, abandoning all those I slowly uplift and free from their own demons. I feared how much harm I would bring. I feared leaving behind all those people so as to avoid harming them, and myself. This is what ultimately caused the undoing of this last effort.
Even when I'm medicated, I feel pain of the imperfections which flow through me into the lives of others. But when unmedicated, I am utterly unworthy of a kind word or morsel of food. That is how it felt. There was no "light at the end of the tunnel." It felt very certain and real that the rest of this life would be spent sobbing. Not for me, like it used to feel. But for others. Which is somehow even worse.
I hesitate to post this because if it were confirmed that "yes, you will sob and feel intense emotional pain everyday, every hour and every minute for others---as long as you are unmedicated", I fear I would be unable to ever cease medication.
I found some solace in "adaptogens" like ginseng, and Ashwaganda, and mucuna, lately. Which do not seem at all like "drugs." Which was comforting and yet confusing. At what point is it a drug? At what point is it an addiction? If it is used not for pleasure but for avoiding causing pain of others, is it still to be condemned?
Didn't the Buddha say that food and medicine are used only to maintain the body and comfort enough to practice N8P?
It's my intuition that that is decided each moment by moment. Now I feel adaptogens are not to be condemned. And it will likely form a stepping stone down from the present, as ginsengs are certainly not pleasurable. Then again, neither is the herb which is a friend to me. But then, perhaps, a day will come when they, too, must go.
To take on all of it at once is not realistic. Because that is not what nature reflects. Nature reflects a smooth evolution. In any case, I don't cling to any of this. I just move on with the challenge of leaving the obvious drawbacks of adderall and this herbal friend behind, in favor for less drawbacks in adaptogens, healthy bacteria, and repairing the body.
