help through the dark night

[RoanF]

On Thursday I couldn't sleep and was curious about looking up my old girlfriend. I haven't spoken to her in 3.5 years. The relationship ended badly, I pushed her away because I just wanted her to be happy and I felt so drained. I lost myself to drugs and cheated with another girl by the end of it. I have been so ashamed of myself since. I was looking through her social media and some things didn't match. All of a sudden I got extremely anxious and could feel my heart beating throughout my whole body - then it was as if the past decade revealed itself to me. My ex girlfriend possibly has bipolar disorder and a personality disorder and didn't tell me directly. I didn't sleep for 2 nights and 3 days nor each much during that time as the past was revealed to me - like a puzzle being put together. 10 years ago I just wanted my girlfriend and to forget the world was the way it is - all the others did was take from me. My craving to belong is my suffering.

On the 3rd day (Saturday) I went to the hospital because I thought something physical was wrong because I was having chest pains. I had a chest x-ray, bloods and other tests done. All came back normal. So I was discharged with a single sleeping pill and my dad and I left. When I got home I was exhausted and I took the sleeping pill and went to bed. I looked outside the window and saw a shooting star and then it rained in the early hours of the morning. I was moody the next few days so I went to the bush and watched the sunset - pink clouds. The other night the ear charisms got louder and as I stared outside my vision went to black. I also saw and heard an owl hooting on my roof gutter. Weeks ago I saw two foxes on my street coming from my neighbours house - i suspect they are symbolic of her infidelity which she hid from me even to this day, which was revealed to me - I feel traumatised. I'm trying to forgive her though, she doesn't know what she is doing. I don't think she has been diagnosed or treated. She's very smart and had me under what seems like a spell for the last 8 years. I never told her about my experience before we met - but she wondered why my body was always hot.

Do I have to go into the black to finish this? I will do it, I just do not want to go psychotic like last time in 2013. Last time I had a watch that when destroyed I stopped having psychotic symptoms. This time there is no psychotic symptoms just the charisms so I think I should be fine to go into it. However, my parents are beginning to worry about me.

I gave her two rings and a necklace during our relationship. Do I have to get them back and destroy them to finish the dark night of the soul? Also, I need to get new clothes, last time I had the dark night all my clothes which I bought because I wanted to belong/fit in had to be thrown out because they were dirty somehow, I do not know why, all I know is that I would have psychotic symptoms such as anxiety and paranoia, now the only symptoms is physical pain.

I tried so hard to get friends in this life, it failed and I lost myself. I was reminded on the time I went to the temple for retreat and didn't speak a word to anyone. A retired man tried to get me to talk to him for the whole retreat but I didn't. At the end we spoke and he said kind words. I made a true friend without even trying. It was beautiful and overwhelmed me with tears of joys.

This speaks to me:

Matthew 12:43-45 ESV

“When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first. So also will it be with this evil generation.”

Do I have to throw everything out? Everything seems unclean and unwholesome in my bedroom.

I also had vivid dreams since the start of the year about my ex-girlfriend. The first one was as if I was rummaging through a heap of mess and at the bottom was her and her current boyfriend.
Then a few months later I was in England and she appeared and started taunting me.
Then when I returned home she taunted me again.
Finally a few weeks ago I had a dream where she was on top of me having sex and I woke up.

I would appreciate any help. It feels as though I am surrounded by demons. I see others I can help and their illnesses, they also betrayed me.

Also, I know who I am. I have known since I was a teenager, but did not know to believe it or not. I love you all.

[bodhimind]

My guess is that you haven't let her go yet, and your compulsions are holding you fast to her. Have you truly forgiven her? My guess is that some kind of wrath/ill-will (vyapada) is holding you back...

In your five aggregates, there's no "self" for this to be done to, except this ephemeral mirage of a self we have... so there's no "real" receiver of the pain, but there's only a receiver when something has been identified with and not let go of... we set a perception of pain and pleasure when we see these things... I would turn towards the light and embrace the tranquility and equanimity of the jhanas continuously, because these seem like mentally-created demons that only grow when you place attention on them...

It's sad, but there's never going to be a time where someone doesn't do us wrong, mainly because the majority of people are dysfunctional and unenlightened... There's always going to be something to smash apart something 'static', because the Buddha described the world as 'breaking up' in the suttas... It's shifting forever and trying to cling onto an expectation or past, thinking it's solid, is a little like trying to grasp sand when it's sifting through the fingers... I gave up fitting into dysfunctional society - We simply can't fit into dysfunctionality - the more we try to, the more crazed we'll become. Instead, we should seek company of the like-minded, but there are so few of us...

It sounds like you are breeding obsession and clinging here to me, but I'll just wait for Jhanananda and the rest to give an enlightened perspective...

[RoanF]

Thank you Bodhimind for your reply. Sorry, I should have been more specific in my rant. My concern is will I go psychotic because of the rings. In 2013 I had a watch a 'friend' told me to buy and after I came back from the psychiatric ward the only thing that made the symptoms disappear was destroying the watch. Would it be the same here or is it OK to keep going?

[Jhanananda]

Thank-you, bodhimind, for posting such good advice.  This forum is about peer-level support for contemplatives who learn to meditate deeply.  So, I am glad to find that the forum is functioning as it should, as I cannot always be here.

Aron, success in the contemplative life is realizing that the world is a horribly corrupt place, so we must give up everything, and learn to meditate as deeply as we can.

[RoanF]

Thank you all for the support. I was quite mad when I posted that lol.

My charisms were strong when this started, now they are leaving. I still have pain in my head and sometimes in my chest. I feel I am dropping in and out of madness. The cause I have isolated to the schizophrenic drug dealer that laced my marijuana in 2013 - I feel I have been marked and items are holding me here. I do not think letting go is the issue. I am in the process of cleaning my room and online activity such as accounts that I do not need - e.g. online games from years ago. These were related to the drug dealer. I meditate for hours and try to find the items that hold me. It is very difficult to explain. But I am slowly returning. It seems my health issues from the last two years have been psycho-somatic.

Is this normal for a dark night of the soul?

[Jhanananda]

...It seems my health issues from the last two years have been psycho-somatic.

Is this normal for a dark night of the soul?

This is a good question.  About 16 years ago I realized that meditation teachers seemed to know nothing about the phenomena of deep meditation, so at that time I began searching the web for information.  I then found almost no factual information on the web either, so I began posting on the subject, as well as gathering case histories, so that I could separate my unique physiological phenomena from the collective religious experience.  At that time I became aware of the Kundalini movement, which was driven by Gopi Krishna's writing, which I found mostly misleading, because he was clearly unable to separate the phenomena of the religious experience from his own neuroses and physiological phenomena.  Now, after 16 years of research I have documented the phenomena of the religious experience, which has brought many of the members here. 

However, as many of you have become aware I have been reporting on some physical health issues, (Autoimmune conditions, Electromagnetic radiation and health, Space weather and health) which I am just beginning to consider might be a product of my practice of deep meditation.  For instance I have had episotic joint pain and fatigue for decades. 

So, I recently visited a rheumatologist who ran me through the blood work and x-ray sequence to classify my condition.  He found nothing to prove that I have rheumatoid arthritis; so, either my condition is yet to be diagnosed; or, due to a recent article on genius showing that geniuses tend to be hypersensitive; and recognizing that there is a hypersensitive phase that a contemplative traverses as one deepens one's meditation practice; then my condition, as well as yours, might be due simply to this hypersensitivity.  If so, then the solution is developing equanimity, and learning to accept that we mystics are simply hypersensitive.

[RoanF]

When I was meditating I was staring and my vision went black. Then only vision in one eye went black. Then the charisms slowly got weaker but I am still revisiting the memories. I dreamed I was at the schizophrenics drug dealers house and he was fighting me, he took two punches and then I disappeared into the air. That day when meditating my body filled with light and I was so relieved. It has happened a few times after. Sometimes only my head goes light when I close my eyes. It feels like my soul is healing. I am getting deeper into my memories. There is so much pain. I haven't left the house for 3 weeks. I am going to see a psychologist soon at the university. My parents are getting upset and worried.

It feels like a large portion of my soul was in the underworld due to drug abuse.

So, I recently visited a rheumatologist who ran me through the blood work and x-ray sequence to classify my condition.  He found nothing to prove that I have rheumatoid arthritis; so, either my condition is yet to be diagnosed; or, due to a recent article on genius showing that geniuses tend to be hypersensitive; and recognizing that there is a hypersensitive phase that a contemplative traverses as one deepens one's meditation practice; then my condition, as well as yours, might be due simply to this hypersensitivity.  If so, then the solution is developing equanimity, and learning to accept that we mystics are simply hypersensitive.

All the aches and pains in my body made me think of your conditions also. I have items from my past, given to me by people that had ill intentions. I have thrown these items out and they no longer haunt me. I was getting quite angry until then. However, I do not know for sure. I meditate for most of the day and I am improving, I think it is that and time. I can feel the kundalini energy kinked in my spine opposite my heart. I gave my ex-girlfriend a heart ring, I do not know if there is any symbolism. Hopefully this ends soon. I do not think I can trust people again. I could use a hug also lol.

[rougeleader115]

I relate to a lot of this Aron. And I could surely use a hug as well lol.

[Jhanananda]

...It feels like a large portion of my soul was in the underworld due to drug abuse...

It can take quite some time to overcome the damage of drug addiction, so one just must be determined, and consistent with one's contemplative life.

...I can feel the kundalini energy kinked in my spine opposite my heart. I gave my ex-girlfriend a heart ring, I do not know if there is any symbolism. Hopefully this ends soon. I do not think I can trust people again. I could use a hug also lol.

The heart chakra is the door way to the spiritual life; however, the weakness is to fall in love with someone when the heart chakra is open.  If we fall for human love, then we get caught in a circle which may never end. 

If, on the other hand we remain determined to become liberated, and continue our contemplative life, then we are likely to find the superior fruit of attainment (maha-phala).

[Frederick]

If I were closer by, I'd give you both hugs. Praying that all of you are well.

[Frederick]

Also, I can relate the stories of old friendships that we just can't let go of. Relationships that went bad, due to my own selfishness, is a big cause of pain, currently.

I know that letting go is what one should do, and meditation certainly helps.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. I think that many of us suffer from this somewhat.

It's not a large part of my life, but more like a slow simmering pain that comes back from time to time.

One might want to make it right, but the best thing is to move on.

[RoanF]

The three weeks ended with me getting paranoid and it started resembling a drug-induced psychosis which I have years ago. It turns out there was still the laced marijuana in my lungs - after three years I began coughing up a black substance. This is what was causing all the symptoms. Plus I had experienced trauma during these periods so I was healing from that. I don't know why my lungs didn't clean all the marijuana out. Maybe because it was laced with methamphetamines. I'm not sure.

I was admitted to hospital and the psychiatrists were stumped and didn't know what happened to me. Their medicine doesn't heal the patient, it just covers the symptoms. Although my symptoms were not healing with medicine, only with time. Slowly the aches in my chest left. Now the only thing wrong with me is a physical pain in my head. I had a MRI and it came back fine. I suspect my pineal gland has been damaged slightly and is healing slowly.

Now I'm back on medication until that clears up. The doctors think it will be for life but I doubt. This experience taught me they only know so much and the rest is guess work.

It feels it will be some time before I can start to sit again and that is probably for the best as I am still healing from the trauma and the whole experience was exhausting.

Also, while I was in hospital I began hallucinating through my imagination. I saw a dragon and a lion. I don't know what the dragon is.

[Jhanananda]

I have observed that methamphetamine causes sever long-term damage to the brain.  This will need a long time of healing.  I do agree with you,

...I was admitted to hospital and the psychiatrists were stumped and didn't know what happened to me. Their medicine doesn't heal the patient, it just covers the symptoms.

[Jhanananda]

... the world is a hopelessly corrupt place.

I agree with this.