Hey, buddy. I'm glad you took the time to post this. You'll see why.
I have been trying to get this message typed up for at least a month now. Life has me by the balls and is squeezing tighter by the day. I started my first job a month ago now, and it is wearing down what little sanity I have.
This is also how it is for me with most jobs, and is why I am pursuing a very unusual solution and life. So far, it's coming to fruition, slowly. Which is a shock, as no past pursuits (outside of samadhi) have been fruitful or successful.
This with the expectations of all of my relationships, family, friends, and pretty much anyone I associate with. I do not know how to manage not having a quiet home to come to, or having to work(which I easily hate as much as school).
Ditto-Ha! When my companion and I first began seeing each other, we made an agreement with each other that I can never be grateful enough for. It was "no expectations." We just want to love each other, and be loved. We're fairly intelligent, and I think we knew it was the most important ingredient. A strange way to start a relationship, don't you think? And guess what--our relationship is STRONG. And I mean
STRONG. Two years in and things are still getting better. Our parents are even following our example. Fancy that. And with all of my other relations I hold steadfast "no expectations." It's amazing how much forgiveness, acceptance and love can heal others.
The first 8 years of my life I hated work, too. But about two years ago I began to realize how to peacefully navigate my way through most common social environments. Since then, work has become part of the practice of the N8P, and so when I do work, I smile most of the day. The only problem I have now is co-workers that are repelled by my peaceful and equanimous nature.
I started work to escape from my current dwelling due to excessive noise, a baby, and little space. I am mostly confined to my room or else I am battered by what feels like the craziness everyone is okay with.
Headphones will become your best friend until such a day that you can live in more peaceful arrangements. I currently live in a similar situation, but I make it work. Creative solutions will go a long way toward deepening your practice and improving your daily life. Basically turning it all into practice. But, in the beginning, these are tough things to learn--in my experience.
I have a handful of friends, and they barely understand me, as goes for my family. The bitter loneliness of my life is really making my heart ache and my mind deteriorate. I am considered crazy/odd because I am the only one at work that sometimes just needs to eat lunch alone or sit quietly. Not wanting to speak much does not help with that either.
You'll find ways to mediate these obstacles in a way that is pleasing and fulfilling. A lot of it is patient endurance.
I say and do as I need to, but it seems it is never enough. I constantly wonder how this world is the way it is, how we work so hard at such a horrible wage, and are supposed to be able to live in a house, buy food, pay for a car, entertainment(or at least internet). And thats praying theres no major upset (such as medical or car problems). Whats the point in having a savings account if I must spend every penny just to sustain myself(not every penny of course, but come on!).
Learning to minimize our needs goes a long ways in this regard. For example, I only have to do laundry once every two weeks--and it's only 2 loads. And yet I don't stink or wear dirty clothes. I eat mostly fruit, nuts and seeds. This cuts down on dishes, time and food cost. There's are just some examples. The insight and abilities you develop through your practice will take care of this for you.
Dealing with people is driving me insane, and seeing that most things and people are just as fucked up and slightly worse than I figured and it does not help. I know none of this is news to you all here, but when I try to voice it to those at work or in my personal life, I get blank stares or a "you really have no right to feel that way""your too young to feel that way". BUT I DONT CARE. If I could ignore it, I surely would. But its so blatantly thrown in my face every single day that it is just impossible. Maybe with time it will get better, but it has been at least 6 years in the dumps about it all, and I just dont know how to take it. I oscillate between being able to kinda handle it all, to being suicidal and so done with it all, even though I don't want to give up my life. I guess the main reason it bothers me is just that everyone seems to do it without a care, and they expect me too as well. Some of them hear/feel me when I say these things, but majority do not. But all these things have just pushed me to a point where I can barely love myself, because I cannot meet almost any of these constant expectations like being a good son, worker, partner, friend. I feel like I love them and want to benefit people, but I at the same time dont have the capacity for it all, and so badly want to spend more time exploring what jhana has to offer.
No expectations. You have your own path, and you know the fruits it offers. People are not going to understand you for a while. But it IS possible to mediate this.
I've oscillated as you have with suicide, and had a few close calls in the past. I soon learned to utilize my suicidal thoughts as fuel for my practice. Since then, I've not had any suicidal thoughts. Almost two years now.
^Sorry for the vent you guys, you all are the only ones I feel I could let loose to without being seen as a nut or angry child(which I mean I kinda am regardless haha).
You're free to vent, of course. But we're also free to offer support. It's a double-edged sword ^_<
You're going to be okay. Channel the frustration into your practice. Everything that sucks--just let it drive you to absorb in the non-physical senses, the charisms, in that very moment. Even the smallest irritation in daily life reminds us we are not with the charisms. And so we return to them--even if we're busy at work. It can, in this way, become your refuge, whenever you need it.
Anyway, the main reason I got on hear was to say that I finally had my first OOBE/totally lucid dream. I awoke in a hotel and went down the stairs past the clerk. As I got to the entrance, the clerk called to me and tossed what looked like a name tag with a large golden needle point straight out of the back. It went high into the air almost touching the ceiling and then arched perfectly over what must have been at least 15ft and pinned itself perfectly to my shirt without piercing me. I looked right at him and thought "thats impossible, I must be dreaming" and boom, I was completely aware that it was all a dream. I looked back up to see the clerk was now a demon and very angry that I was aware of the dream. I flew out of the side of the building, right through the wall! I floated around to the entrance and looked at him again. then I stuck my arms and head through the glass doors. It was just so mind boggling to me to be able to pass through things and feel a sensation as if I were actually moving through matter as energy. Just to add, right when I noticed I was in a dream, my body felt light, energetic and blissful instead of dense like moments before and daily life. But it ended with the demon ordering the undead in the city to attack me. He also sent a kind of psychic wave of his face at me, and once it wrapped around me I could no longer fly like I was. The undead surrounded me and rip me to pieces rather quickly. Luckily my awareness switched to a 3rd person view just as they grabbed me and I did not have to experience it happening directly.
I have also had lucid dreams very similar to this. I have read somewhere on here that St. John of the Cross believed dreams were the efforts of demons to corrupt us. He wasn't referring to OOBE's, even though lucid dreams are technically OOBE's.
The distinction, in my experience, is that we enter a dream without lucidity. The dream world is created for us, and soon afterward we can gain lucidity. But with a classic OOBE, there is lucidity from the very moment of leaving the body. The former he, St. John, thought to be the work of demons (which in terms of your and my experiences, seems plausible), and the latter was of course, freedom.
