Have not posted on my progress lately. Still diving through what seems like ever deepening layers of the immaterial. Dreams have cycled from being extremely personal and painful(either emotional or physical), to being entirely random, to feeling like possible past lifetimes. Theres a dream I had in the past few months that was one of the more spiritual dreams I've had, besides flying and passing through walls. I was on some uninhabited planet. Pink, blue, yellow leaves on trees, yellow-green grass, the sky lightly tinted pink with a blanket of clouds all throughout. As I began walking forward, I felt my awareness 'intensify"? Then its like there was a large pressure release, and the "bottom" of my awareness stretched down to the floor. Simultaneously, the "top" of my awareness began to slowly stretch up into the sky. It just kept going and going until I passed beyond the clouds and into space. As I began to see other planets and stars, I realized I could see from ground level all the way to the planet and stars, but as one object of my awareness. As I realized how much was happening, I either became afraid or excited because I woke up immediately. Felt like I was getting smacked into my body, harder than usual on reentry.
Again this is just one of a slew of strange experiences over the past few months. I have been getting less and less sleep sadly, because the dreams are so intense they wake me up very often. Also because of the general increase in sensitivity and charisms these past few months, I just end up laying there meditating most of the night.
With all this, most of my relationships have finally fallen out. I think it is for the better honestly, because most of these people were pretty sucky to me. And that's being nice. I am only sad that my words and efforts were wasted so many years, and now there is noone who would hear me anyway. But I could not keep sacrificing what to me is my only savior and purpose for people who only wish to spin in their emotional turmoil, and then lash out at everything they love when life doesn't go their way (WHICH IT NEVER DOES). I do not blame them for the cycle, because I know how easy it is to end up there, and how hard it can be to move from it. But when I am consistently dismissed and even accused of being crazy and insensitive over and over, I am finding very little point in opening my mouth or lifting a finger. They do not want anything from me, even if I only intend to love and help. And I am not one to force my love where it is unwanted. I have been so sopping wet with sensitivity, I began learning Japanese a few months ago, as well as refreshing my Spanish. I've also begun drawing and painting, which I had a talent for in my youth, but traded exploring that for martial arts and football. I regret football but never martial arts. I may post some of them, because I honestly thought I had lost my ability to express artistically, and I never realized how much better I feel the better I get at it. I relate most of my new interests to my meditation, because it feels like I'm just supposed to keep diving into this sensitivity. It is making my life so alive and beautiful, even the darkest spots. It feels like letting the reigns around my heart go is the most essential thing for my contemplative life at this time. Been too sensitive to be around people lately, and stay to myself as often as possible.
That's all I'm going to report for now, I have been here typing too long. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my entries and for giving me a space to speak. There is still nowhere for me to speak of the things that I/we are going through here.
Much Love,
Rougeleader
