Michel was a very brilliant poster on the forum from Canada, who successfully managed his bipolar disorder with medication. It appears (in some of Michel’s last messages) he had a psychotic breakdown. I recall him posting hostile messages to myself and Jeffrey, which were very out of character for him. He has not returned since, so I hope he is well wherever he is.
I had my own psychotic break last year, starting in June. It developed so rapidly over the summer that I was unaware I had fallen into psychosis. I experienced a mixture of what I thought was a spiritual awakening simultaneous to a trauma-induced psychosis.
Psychosis is very difficult to characterize because there are parts of it that are very funny, parts of it that are very scary, parts of it that feel like divine insight or revelation, and parts of it that are hellish or torturous. In the hospital I watched this documentary by David Harewood, which I feel is one of the most accurate portrayals of what it’s like to experience it:
https://youtu.be/jZhxCCV4B4M?si=vxCx9QNe_VnUDjHIMany of my spiritual beliefs, such as my surrender to the Inner Director, my belief in destiny, and my fascination with omen-reading, became liabilities and amplified the psychosis. My belief “everything happens for a reason” and my artistic proclivity to read meaning into everything led to the unfortunate “delusions of reference” where everything became hypermeaningful and connected. This was beautiful at first and appeared to explain everything, however it became a bridge into losing touch with reality.
Through practice over the years I learned to write and paint only using the signals of the Inner Director. So, I thought if I surrendered to that Director completely, as Socrates did in his trial and as mystics have done throughout history, it would guide me completely. However, this was a grave error and it is clear many of my intuitions arise from me and not from a divine source.
When I came to in the hospital after the Haldol administration, I was able to dispel the illusions. But, I was now stuck under the power of institutional psychiatry for the next six months.
I had some memory issues, which I began keeping a log of, and which frightened me to interpret as brain damage. However, in my log I noticed a gradual improvement of memory which encouraged me, and my intelligence seemed to be unaffected.
However, I was put on three different medications in the hospital (during the time I was involuntarily committed). I believe during this time I was over-medicated, and the drugs became more harmful than helpful. It was the last drug, Seroquel XR 300 mg, which is a powerful anticholinergic, that I think caused more brain damage than the psychosis. I went from 1-2 memory issues a day to 8+, to eventually so many I stopped keeping track on the log. The drug also affected my appetite and caused me to fall into an artificial depression. It also slowed my processing speed. At the time this drug was preferable to the previous one, Risperidone, which caused me to fall into akathisia. Akathisia is a nightmarish-dysphoric state I believe caused by an imbalance of dopamine in the brain. It was during this period that I became the most suicidal I have been in my life.
I do feel efforts should be made at drug minimization and discontinuation, however in a hospital setting they need to justify their salaries and you being there, which encourages long-term maintenance.
In the hospital they gave me a bipolar I diagnosis. I initially argued against this, explaining I don’t have the mood cycling of bipolar, but then finally agreed with them after being worn down so much and being completely under their authority.
Now that I am out I believe I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which has a sexual origin; and which I believe is also the cause of the agitation I experience during meditation and which has been one of my largest impediments to success in the contemplative life.
It has been several years of personal tragedy lately, with my exposure to the toxic chemical fumes back in March of 2020, and the psychotic break in June of 2023. The psychosis is also discouraging due to the alienation of friends and relationships which came as a result of it.
My goal now is to try to recover my brain function back to where it was, return to some form of normal life, then attempt to resolve the origins of my complex PTSD. Then, resume contemplative practice, particularly work on the OOBE, with renewed intensity.
