Jhanon's Blog

[Jhanon]

Wow, Michel. I can hardly believe this thread and that I didn't find it earlier. The posts just before your paraphrasing of the treatise you wrote had me cracking up. Because I understood where you were coming from, having gone through similar things.

But as I write this a tear rolls down my cheeks and energy blasts down my spine. Which began as I got to the half-way point in your paraphrasing of the treatise. That, my friend, was no bullshit. What was behind the words, and the fact of how it came so quickly for you to write,  I doubtlessly agree with you.

Absolutely stunning. I can't believe how much energy is surging through me. No music, no drugs, medications (as I just got up for the day.) You are tremendously gifted with energy/Shakti.

I even think your treatise spoke of things which had yet to come for you, and still have yet to come. I know this because I'm getting annihilated by energy as this is written. You've made it into "the good graces", if you will. The energy blasting calmed down at this point of writing. So I would pay particular attention to this paragraph.

I do not think there is anything that can stop the energy from overcoming whatever drugs or situation is put in your way. To my mind, you are a mystic, and have been. There's just always been one crucial piece missing or in the way. And perhaps that is true for many of us.

[Michel]

Well, it could be the Zyprexa/olanzapine that is holding me back. When the doctors have found me in a full blown state of manic psychosis they've given me a major tranquilizer/neuroleptic/antipsychotic like Haldol, chlorpromazine, Zyprexa. Within an hour it would typically bring me down to a hypomanic state. So these medications are very powerful. So I've been on 2.5mg of olanzapine for the last 3 years.

[Michel]

I just noticed that there is a whole bunch more on the thread discussing bipolar than just from reply #22 onward. Go to the beginning of the thread and read the whole thing. Jhananda knows a great deal about manic states and much more.

Here's just an example of a post I wrote:

"It's interesting that Emily Maguire is diagnosed as bipolar. My type of manic-depression was characterized by chronic, severe depression punctuated occasionally by manic episodes of moderate to severe psychosis requiring confinement in the psychiatric hospital.

Despite on several occasions, since 1979, being in states of manic psychosis, I believe I experienced some of my best insights into the nature of reality; they were truly mystical revelations of deep truths. In these states I realized that the idea that I held of myself was a total fiction, a creation of the intellect, and that I really did not exist in that sense. I also thought that there was an endless battle between the spirit and the intellect. The spirit I define as the knower of all things, and the intellect is simply deluded ignorance. I came to the conclusion that when the spirit is totally supressed by the deluded intellect, you have the cause for depression, and that this was the cause of my depression and neurosis, and this was also true for every one else. I also thought that I, my spirit, or whatever one wants to call it, was older then the beginning of time itself, and that all things are always in a state of change, and that there is nothing you can hold onto, and that there was an endless repeating cycle for all things; that we are doomed to experience the same horrors, with the same people, over and over again, in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. I remember having a vision of falling in love with this woman, then watching her die, then seeing this same experience from life to life, this experience of love and loss endlessly repeating. I also thought that the crows, these noble, dark spirits of the sky, knew all about these things, so I became friends with them. I commune with them whenever they're around. I bet this all sounds familiar to many people on this forum - it's real Buddhist stuff, but I did not know this at the time of my experiences, and I didn't think that there was a way out of this endless nightmare, until I discovered the Pali Cannon."

Some of the sanest people I've ever met were mental patients, and most of  my friends were also mental patients. Some of them were going through the dark night of the soul experience when I met them in the hospital. As you know, the doctors and nurses don't understand any of this, they just think you're crazy, and put you on higher doses of drugs."

See here: http://fruitofthecontemplativelife.org/forum/index.php/topic,579.0.html

[Michel]

This is for you, Jhanon:

Here's a piece of music I like very much titled Delicate Touch by Sean Beeson.  It's kind of new age but it's really good. It may even describe the lower religious experiences in terms of music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVkvWG_He-c

[Alexander]

Jhananda wrote this on manic states:

"No, the mania is a good thing.  The problem for the manic, is lack of control/discipline.  If the bipolar could maintain tranquility and equanimity through the manic phase, then the manic phase could be sustained indefinitely,  At that point we could call the individual at least an arahat.  So, be mindfully self-aware.

Something I try to keep in mind about the mystic life is it is a constant battle toward equilibrium. We are always going up and down. There are many descents into the underworld, and many forays to the heights. But, maybe only by accepting the ultimate negation - the mystic death - can we find a lasting peace, sanity, and rationality.

[Michel]

What do you mean by "the mystic death?" Have you discussed it on the forum at some time? It sounds like an important concept.

I came up with this post where you wrote something on the mystic death:

I have made a reference several times to a transformation that happens between streamwinnerdom and once-returning. In the writings of St. John of the Cross, this transformation is called the Night of Sense, or the First Mystic Death. I have tried to explain it here.

I came up with the concept of Emily in 2006, and wrote a first version of the story in 2010. Unfortunately that version had many problems. It took until this year to organize this, and to understand how everything flows.

In Emily we see the journey of:
(1) Going within oneself,
(2) Returning to past places,
(3) Feeling the pressure of one's contradictions,
(4) Accepting those contradictions,
(5) Suffering,
and (6) Coming out of the underworld.

At the very end you can find a reference to the first jhana. This follows from my experience that the first jhana appears after this transformation is through.

I understand it as dying to one's self. Where the person has undergone a transformation into a new awareness. Could you better explain this concept of "the mystic death?"

[Jhanon]

This is unrelated to the above posts. This is just regular blog.

I've realized recently that I've been ignoring the charisms throughout the day, which are most prominently in my hands and feet or ears. But, because I listen to music, and use my hands and feet all day; I can't really feel the charisms unless I'm still. But, just spending a little bit of time with them each day will ensure a satisfactory meditation session later on.

I know I began ignoring them when worldly life began bearing down on me. When I needed to do A LOT of things, very quickly, and even then I wasn't sure I would have a roof.

I also realized I lost my daily mindfulness as a consequence of the same. And so, for example, I just had a meditation session that was going really well, and then next thing I know I open my eyes and it's been 2 hours. I only recollect the first 15 minutes. That's an issue of mindfulness.

I intend to start a dream journal and during regular meditation find and develop a charism that is in the chest or head, or something that isn't use directly like the hands and feet are. I suppose I could always just do full-body charism awareness--but that doesn't have as much vivid detail as the hands and feet.

[Jhanon]

Dear Self: Please make a better effort to keep the charisms in mind all day. Also, shut your mouth sometimes. You don't always need to eat everything on your plate, especially if you're already full.

[Jhanon]

Humanity is insanity. Earth is a hell-plane.

[Jhanon]

Yoga. Yoga is important. I've had more than enough signs that I need to get back to my Yoga routine. And it does, indeed, improve Energy flow.

[Jhanon]

It is so strange, to have a heart so full of Love. And yet still have anxiety, as I'm not an Arahant. So, I go into a public place, and my Love for them, it hides. It's still there, and it can feel their anger, confusion, and frustration. It hungers to heal them, to show them Light and Energy. It so badly wants them to feel what real Love feels like. But it is frightened.

Although Enlightenment is obviously real, we are still unique individuals. In other words; when I become fully enlightened, I will not be Jhananda, nor Michael Hawkins, nor the Buddha. I feel they have filled a very difficult role in the unfolding of Enlightenment in this age. And because of that, they have had to endure sufferings that, I think, those of this body pale in comparison to. Despite how deeply I felt the suffering...

What I am trying to say, is that I want to Love all these human beings. The circle grew, when the process first began. At first, it was just me and another human being, sharing this transcendental Love. Then it was a few more, very close to me. Then it spread into an entire community, both here, and my physical location. But, I want to spread it further. I want to blanket the Western people in the humbling, mind-shattering Love and Bliss that's changed my life into far more than a movie.

[Jhanon]

Why is it so hard to adapt? Is this normal for mystics and contemplatives?

Today I got to watch my daughter. I've been feeling really dizzy lately because of the kinesthetic charism, and I've found myself sleeping a lot. So, last night I slept 14 hours! Yes, 14....I don't know his all these people keep up with the contemporary busy life. It is maddening. Almost no time to think or just be.

So when my daughter fell asleep in the car, I just found a park, parked, and am sitting here. Took some medicine to feel better, but I don't even wanna open my good because of the noise it will make. If I have a life review, at the least I will know I wasn't challenged. And yet outwardly, to ordinary people, I probably seem like I have it easy.

I dunno. These are just random identity thoughts. My identity needs to shut up. Much more to say, but it's just complicating things and taking up precious time by saying them. 

I'm going to get my disability. And I'm going to find a way to raise my daughter, be a family man, attain full enlightenment, and write all those damn books. I have a good heart. It's gotta count for something. It seems to be leading me gently into this dual life.

Please, no responses unless they are encouraging. I don't need any tough love right now. In fact; I'm not sure anyone ever needs "tough love." We just need to Love each other.

[Jhanon]

I can't do yoga, because of a torn up wrist that keeps getting reinjured when the doctors check it out. I can't meditate sitting cross legged because of the pain of sitting on the floor all day, cross legged and otherwise. I can't meditate laying down because of the nerves that make my legs feel like they are numbed and on fire. I can't get anything done because I'm barely getting through every hour. I can't put my family in the same home because of the above. I can't fill out my disability papers because everything takes me so long, due to my "disabilities." I can't use medicine because it just makes other things worse. I can't take regular pain relievers because I'm already at max dose per day. I can't think straight because of all the fucking cars, and trains, and people, and negative energies, and insanity. I try to meditate in strange positions, like standing--but I get tired before I can absorb. Walking I don't have enough room. Places I could, are dangerous at night--or I would be called into the psych ward because I look crazy.

I can't write everything down that's making life fucking hell. I can't stop having thoughts about killing myself.   It's strange because it's not even emotional or self-pity, like when I was young. It seems like the most logical course of action. Everything I do just makes everything elSe worse. Everything I do just makes everything worse. Everything I do just makes everything else worse.

[Jhanon]

I can't even make enough time to eat. It seems like all I'm ever doing is playing catch up. Even lawyers don't pull their own weight. Why is this place so terrible? It's worse than hell. Because it always looks like things are okay, and gettin better, and then the hammer is dropped on you. It's like being a horny teenager, and getting teased into insanity.

[Jhanon]

The more you do, the more you have to fix. The more you do, the more you have to do. There is no end. The math is fucked.